Punch (10.1846)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON" CHARIVARI.

237

THE RETURN FROM THE DERBY.

Smith. " Hoi.lo ! Poster, ain't you precious drunk, rather ? "
Post-Boy. "Drunk ! Not a bit of it."

BRIEFLESS ON

We have received the folio wing very pathetic communication from Mr.
Briefless, on the recent judicial decision, hy which a " big wig" on the first
day of term has been pronounced indispensable to a Queen's Counsel:—

" Sir.—You will no doubt have perused with much interest the case
of Martin, Q.C, and others, which came on for hearing before the
Barons of the Exchequer on the first day of the present term. Martin, ■
Q.C, having the fear of the dog-days before his eyes, and though get-1
ting a very large income by the sweat of his brow, not wishing to liqui-
date his substance by too violent perspiration, determined to try the
question, whether a little wig would not, on the first day of term,
answer the purpose of a big one.

" Having discarded the dreary pile of horsehair usually worn on high-
days and holidays, he put on the coachman-like little peruke, which is '
the type of professional wisdom, and having got several of his friends,
who " walk in silk attire" to follow his example, he rushed into the j
presence of his father (in law), the Chief Baron.

" Martin, Q.C. had, however, no sooner begged permission to men-
tion the case of Somebody and Another v. Somebody else and some
others, than the Chief Baron, catching a glimpse of the diminutive
curls of the forensic Caxon, intimated his inability to hear one of Her
Majesty's Counsel on the first day of term in such an insignificant!
head-dress. In vain did Martin, Q.C, plead the cause of Doe on the j
demise of Jones with impassioned eloquence, for the Court was deaf to
the sternest claims of justice, urged by one whose head wras not
encased in a very alp or apennine of wig, so as to give him the appear-
ance of the forensic 'man of the ' horse-hair, 'mountain.' The scene
reminded one of Brutus and Titus at the Forum. The father (in law) j
was compelled to sacrifice his son (in law) to the dignity and honour of j
their common profession. The feelings of Chief Baron Pollock at J
being compelled to refuse his attention to Martin, Q.C, until the j
assumption of the big wig qualified him for his duty as an advocate,
may be easier imagined than described.

" Alderson, B., with his customary good feeling, hurried to the rescue
of the father (in law) from so painful a position, by taking upon him-
self to turn a deaf ear to a Q.C. not appearing in a proper amount of
wig on the first day of the sittings.

" BIG WIGS."

" Now, sir, my reason for addressing you is to inquire what is to be-
come of the hapless junior whose advancement is only to be obtained
at the price of two wigs, when one is often more than his professional
earnings will enable him to pay for. It is true that Science has put
its shoulder to the wheel, or, rather, its head to the wig, for the purpose
of reducing the cost of this important appendage to the advocate. You
are aware, sir, perhaps, that ' Cheap Forensic Wigs for the Million ' are
to be had, in an inferior material, for about one pound eight; while the
ordinary wig costs, at least, five guineas. Several of my learned
brethren patronise the economic wire coiffure, warranted not to turn
rusty, and adapted to folding up, with a clean collar, into a small
pocket-book, for circuit purposes. I don't use this kind of wig myself,
sir, for, after a little wear, the wire is apt to stretch and to snap asun-
der, thus giving a bristly appearance to the barrister , causing each
particular wire to stand on end, like spikes upon the frightful hedgehog.

" But, sir, though I am disposed to do the thing liberally, as far as
one wdg is concerned, why am I obliged to purchase a second most ex-
pensive one, upon my assuming the rank of Queen's Counsel ? The
coif is costly enough, for five hundred pounds must be paid for that little
black patch, which looks as if the wearer had got a knock on the head
in a forensic squabble, and had been compelled to resort to a piece of
sticking-plaster, to hide and heal the effects of the shindy. The second
wig, however, for high-days and holidays, is a burden which we ought
not to tolerate.

" The duality of the mind is a thing I have somewhere heard of, but
the duality of the wig is a monstrous piece of superfluity. Believe me.
sir, I will resist it to the last, and the judges shall find me ready to
' come to the scratch,' if they are not satisfied to see me in the usual
forensic five guinea real head of horsehair. The cheap mohair, so called
I presume from its being the hair of the ' moke,' or donkey, and cor-
rupted from moke-hair to mo-hair, I heartily despise ; but I had rather
run my head into the lion's mouth than appear in Court with a terrific
mane, like that of the illustrious animal alluded to. I would rather
'dash my wig' in the face of the Court than submit to such a
penalty.

" I am, Sir, your obedient Servant,

" j. Briefless-"