Punch: Punch (36.1859)

June 4, 1859.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

227

| England—calm on her wave-girt rock; the wisdom of a thousand
NOT A RAP TO CHOOSE BETWEEN 'EM." years in her eyes; in her hands the sceptre of the sea j by her side the

couchant Lion.

iEll! Chippenham
—as we learn from
Keene's Batk
Journal — has at
length done some-
thing to distin-
guish itself. That
respectable mar-
ket-town should
henceforth stand
recorded in the
Gazetteer, as the
"Toss-up Bo-
rough." To its
ancient and once
Tory precincts,
railways have, it
seems among
other innovations,
brought the pesti-
lent doctrines of
Liberalism in their
train. Young Chip-
penham has de-
termined to have
henceforth at least

one Liberal Member. But young Chippenham, though mighty, is
merciful. It will be content for the present with half the repre-
sentation. One Tory shall be taken and the other left. Old Chippen-
ham recognises its fix, and, on the principle that "half a loaf is better
than no bread," consents to make a Jonah of one of its Tory Members,
in order to save the other. But which shall be the Jonah ? Neither
Colonel Boldero nor Mr. Long has any disposition to play Curtius,
and leap into the gulf which the Earthquake of Liberalism has opened
in the Forum of Chippenham. Since neither will go to the wall, one
must be pushed. Which one shall it be ? How are the respective
Committees to decide ?
By merits ?

Boldero is as bad as Long: Long no better than Boldero.
By services ?

Boldero has done nothing for the Borough : Long has helped
Boldero. _
By opinions ?

Boldero says ditto to Lord Derby: and Long says ditto to
Boldero.

The scales won't do—that's clear. Shall we try the sword ? No.
Long and Boldero are brothers. If Toryism be a failing cause in
Chippenham, let it at least die decently, and not go out in a row. Let
it sink before the blows of its enemy, not fall by internecine strife.

And so, the Tory Committees—as jurors in a perplexity have done
ere this—agreed to settle the great Chippenham cause of Boldero
v. Long by a toss. The Romans asked the will of the gods by the
entrails of a heifer, or the pecking of a chicken; the augurs of Chip-
penham will ascertain the will of the great Tory god, Terminus—by
skying a copper. All agree there isn't a rap to choose between the two
men: then let a rap decide the choice.

So said, so done. The eventful halfpenny was produced—big with
the fate of Boldero—laden with the lot of Long. Whose genius
perched on which side of the coin we are not informed—whether the
gallant Boldero—as "None but the brave deserve the fair"—took
the side of lovely " Woman," while Long—in his capacity of Major of
the Royal Wilts Yeomanry—stood firm by " Man," and still more, in
his character of gentleman farmer, by George the Third, whose
head probably adorned the copper.

On all these points the Muse of contemporary History is silent.
She but records the fact—so imposing in its naked simplicity—that on
the spinning of a mean coin of the realm, of the denomination of one

LORD DERBY'S HORACE.

" Mr Dear Punch, _ " St. James's Square, Sunday.

You were civil enough to speak well of my translation of
Pome tibi, in Ravensworth's Horace. But here's another version
of it, more in your hue. I knocked it off while I was shaving, this
morning, and cut my nose at 'obleege,' laughing. Stick it in. You
left out that bit I sent you about Rothschild and the boy Mortara,
which was a shame.

" Ever, my dear Boy, yours faithfully,
" The Lord Punch, 8fc. fyc" " Derby."

RECONCILIATION.

"Donee tibi gratus erain."—Hor. iii. 9.
pam.

When you liked me, dear John, and we fought side by side,

And nobly those bigoted Tories defied,

My fiery ambition your praises were fanning,

By Jove, there were times when I thought myself Canning.

john.

Ah ! those were the days when my Pam was a Brick,
Nor over the traces had ventured to kick,
But submitted, in duty, his views and his letters
To revision by statesmen, his patrons and betters.

pam.

But Clarendon now is my fidus Achates,
My Mentor, my prompter, my prophet, my Vates,
He smokes all the games of King, Despot, or Czar,
As quick as he smokes his eternal cigar,

john.

My views have advanced since the year Thirty-Two,
John Bright has informed me the right tiling to do.
With him to the boroughs I mean to lay siege,
In fact at his wish I' d do aught to obleege.

pam.

But if griefs were patched up, and we worked the same way,
As we did in the times of Brougham, Durham, and Grey,
And I snubbed smoky O, and I joined, heart and cox,
With our only great statesman since Somers and Fox ?

john.

Though Bright is in earnest Ms objects to gain,
And you are as frothy as Clicquot's champagne,
I '11 drop the plebeian (for Lords should consort),
If you join me, and flummox Lord D. and the Court.

FASHIONABLE VULGARISM.

The following is an example of a style of fashionable announcement
lately grown customary:—

" r,ADY Pakington ' received' last evening, at the official residence of the First
Lord of the Admiralty."

Observe that " receive" is printed between inverted commas.
Why ? The question may be answered by a quotation from the poetry
of the lower orders :—

" Joseph Buggins 'guv' a party."

halfpenny, was staked the Tory representation of Chippenham, and \ The inverted commas in the foregoing Hue serve to mark the word

that Long won the toss !

The mode of decision seems at first blush undignified; but to
Mr. Punch, deeply reflecting upon it, there is much that is admirable
in the device of Old Chippenham. How many candidates are there
worth a contest ? How few, of whom we must not, in fairness, admit
that it is only a toss-up between 'em ? Why not in all these cases

gav " as the vulgar preterite tense of the verb " to give." In the same
way, perhaps, those which enclose the term " received " are meant to
stigmatise it as a verb active, which ought to govern an accusative case
expressed, but which only does govern an accusative case understood ;
that accusative case to be conjectured from its obviousness, in a spirit
of candour. We know that Lady Pakington received company.

settle it as Chippenham has done, by a toss-up ? _ Since brass has so \ There are ladies who receive stolen goods—for example. These con-
often decided elections, why shrink from a selection determined by siderations should prevent a refined journalist from putting the word
copper ? Only, it should be insisted upon that the coin used in these : " received " in inverted commas after the name of a lady.

cases should be carefully chosen, and its devices consistently appro- _

priated, each to its party. Let the one side present the narrow,

retreating brow, rabbit mouth, and receding chin of obstinate old The Whole Duty op Neutrality.—"I never says nuffen to
George the Third, and let his "head" be the consecrated symbol of t nobody, and when I says a thing I always does it."—Anon.
Old Toryism; while Britannia,—no longer "La Belle Stuart,"—shall

stand for trie watchful and awakened genius of the country—Young jHE g0IfG 0I, THE J)ials_" We are Seven."