Punch (93.1887)

Decmbhb 24, 1887.] PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

297

"The Voice of Time cries to Man, Advance! Time is for his
advancement and improvement; for his greater worth, his greater
happiness, his better life; his progress onward to that goal within
its knowledge and its view, and set there in the period when Time
and he began. Ages of darkness, wickedness, and violenoe have
come and gone—millions uncountable have suffered, loved, and
died—to point the way before him. Who seeks to turn him back, or
stay him in his course, arrests a mighty engine which will strike the
meddler dead, and be the fiercer and the wilder, ever, for its momen-
tary check! "

" A rub for the reactionaries!" mused Toby.

" Who puts into the mouth of Time, or of its servants, a cry of
lamentation for days which have had their trial and their failure,
and have left deep traces of it which the blind may see—a cry that
only serves the present time, by showing men how much it needs
their help when any ears can listen to regrets for such a past—who
does this does us wrong."

' • A flout for our Fair-Traders ! " thought Toby.

" Who hears in us, the Chimes, one note bespeaking disregard, or
stern regard, of any hope, or joy, or sorrow, of the many7sorrowed
throng ; who hears us make response to any creed that gauges human
passions and affections, as it gauges the amount of miserable food on
which humanity may pine and wither, does us wrong."

"What would the contemners of the people's claims, the deriders
of the people's miseries, make of that, I wonder ? " meditated Toby.

"Who hears us echo the dull vermin of the earth, the Putters
Down of crushed and broken natures, formed to be raised up higher
than such maggots of the time can crawl or can conceive, does us
wrong."

"Pity the shriekers for unlimited Suppression can't hear this!"
cogitated Toby.

Bow-wow-wow ! Again it was the voice of Toby. This time it
did mean warning, if not reproof. Not anger exactly; anger alone
is scarce suited to the Christmas season.

The Bell-ringers were going it. With plenty of energy, unques-
tionably, but with scarcely as much discretion as might be desired. A
rather mixed lot. Each one individually an excellent hand at the rope,
no doubt. Evergreen Will, of the leonine front, and flying silvery
whisps of hair! Blaek-a-vised Bon, of the broad shoulders and
resolute tug. Stolid, but sturdy Harty, of the firmly-planted feet
and granite grip 1 Eiery though mild-featured Joachim ; sombre,
smug-faced, but enthusiastic John ! Last, though perhaps hardly
least (in his own estimation, at all events), rattling Randolph, light-
weight, none too firm of footing, but full of dash, and game to
attempt a triple bob-major all by himself.

" Pull away, Bob," cried impetuous Will, eagerly.

" Steady, Will! " exclaimed Black-a-vised Bob, sardonically.

" Keep time, for goodness sake, John," said accurate Joachim.

" Want your bell to be heard above all the rest!" murmured
sombre John. ■ „.,.,.* n

"Are you trying to hang yourself, or pull the belfry down, Ran-
dolph," muttered stolid Harty, beneath his moustache.

" Oh, confound it; I could licVthe lot of you! " shouted little Ran-
dolph, tugging tremendously at his rope, and fairly carried oft his
feet by the recoil.

" Bow-wow-wow.'" barked Toby. . .

"Right, my dog!" said his Master. "Good Bell-ringing, my
boys, requires combination and subordination, unity of purpose as
well as union of powers. A bull-like power of pull is not enough,
or, by Jove ! you'd all be crack campanologists. Come, Gentlemen,
a Christmas Carillon at least should not be all cacaphonous crash and
clatter. All together, my lads, for once ; or, rather, keep time, and
touch, and tune, with due regard to the perfection of the peal and
the credit of the glorious old Chimes! "

IN THEIR CRACKERS.

The Czar.—A. brand-new map of the Balkan States with Prince
Bismarck's best compliments.

The Emperor of Austria—A satisfactory explanation of recent
Russian Military movements, with the Czar's kindest regards.

Prince Bismarck—German Security by arrangement, with the
seasonable wishes of the Five Great Powers. .

President Carnot.—k. Ministry that will last him a fortnight with
the good will of the two Chambers. .

Lord Salisbury.—" A Hundred New Ways of Governing Ireland
by Coercion." Christmas Edition. . .

Mr. O'Brien.—An Emerald-ooloured Tweed suit, m which to sing
by himself on Christmas Eve, " The Wearing of the Green.'

Mr. Chamberlain.—A very pretty kettle of fish, daintily and
aPpropriately decorated with Canadian mottoes.

Mr. Gladstone.—The Donnybrook Fair Suit, " with Shillelagh
complete," as advertised, done up in a neat parcel and addressed to
him with the compliments of " the Party."

A LEARNED PROTEST.

Respectissime Punchi!

Ttr habes admissum, olim, Latinas litteras in tuis columnis.
Memini unum Tommitjm scribentem de Etone (ista. super-rata. sehola)
et nunc forsitan accipies hanc contributionem antiqui Westmins-

terensis P Semper ego audi •
tor tantum (Juvenalis)
^ quum nobilis ars Latino-
rum versorum est attaeta ?
Non pro Josepho! Volo
nunc intrare meam pro-
testationem contra aliqua
verba Baronis Bramwell,
altera die.

Baro dixit (Anglice, quia,
imagino, non noscit La-
tinum)] ut "he never got
any good from the Latin
verses he was obliged to
write when a boy, and if a

„ .,. „ . . , boy is to be made a poet, he

Fatihs ascensus Parnassi sed revoeare gradum. ^ bettep in ^ ^R

" It's very easy to be a Poet, but you must language." Dixit quoque,
have recourse to your jrradus." y. may be ^o^^ to

know the names of those who killed Becket (sic), and the precise date,
but it is not wisdom or useful." (Quare, via, "Becket," et non
" Sanctus Tommius a Beckett, proprium nomen ? Quid cheekum!
Vel forte dicerem, qute bucoa! Vocabimusne Baronem Bkamwell
in futuro "Bramwell" simpliciter; vel, ut omittit "a," potius
"Bram'l" ?)

Quoto has Philistinas deliverationes de "Tempora," et Editor
"Temporum" propriissime scribit, "We should for our part (pro
nostra portione) venture to doubt whether some of Lord Bramwell's
(peto veniam, Bram'l's) remarkable keenness of mind is not to be
accounted for by the drilling which his Latin verses gave him—by
the habit of twisting and turning (habitus contorquendi et vertendi)
and adjusting thoughts and phrases which that old-fashioned
exercise implies." Bene!

Sum ipse nunc Undergraduatus, et abandonavi Classicas linguas
pro Scientia. Sed retineo meum Latinum—ut tu vides—et invenio
id facile esse excellens in chemicis odoribus et iu Cicerone simul.

Cogito ut Britannicus Publicus debet noscere quam multum bonum
Latini versus sunt ad pueros.

1. Imprimis, illi dueunt ad usum Gradus ad Parnassum; et,
interrogo, quis liber potest eomparare cum eo vel in elegantia. styli,
vel in copiositate verborum, vel in vero genio auetoris ? Sum incli->
natus eogitare ut auctor erat, in realitate, Baconit/s ipse ; et si ita,
id est alium exemplum quomodo Latini versus auxiliant homines
scandere ad nobilissimas positiones in Statu.

2. Secundo loco, docent fraternum amoreni inter pueros; quia
quum unus socius est stumpatus pro verbo, alius donat illi correctum
tippum, sub rosa.

3. Tertium quid (non quid tobacconis!—Vide effectum, "habitus
contorquendi et vertendi"!)—Versus elevant mentem, et asso-
ciant nos cum grandibus auctoribus prccteriti, ut Ovidio, Tibtjllo,
et Careyo. Quomodo possum noscere, nisi per " Gradum," ut Amor
est "duleis, blandus, jucundus, suavis," et eodemtempore "flagrans
acer, fervidus, indomitus, vigilans," etc. ?

4. Quarto, discimus synonymos, sic utiles ad publicos homines
(non homines publicanos, intelligis ! " Habitus contorquendi"
iterum). Si Magister Gladstone non fecisset Latinos versus ut
juvenis, non posset nunc donare viginti differentia nomina pro
una re.

Finaliter, si_ Latini versus sunt missi ad Jerichonem, ubi erit
Ludus Wsstminsterensis in futuro t Nullum alium argumentum est
necessarium.

Maneo tuus, Anti-Bramwellius Academict/s.

A Correspondent draws Mr. Punch's attention to an advertise-
ment in a Cheltenham paper, from which this is an extract :—

"Qcincb Jam.—Prepared from Quinces, supposed by many to be the
'Forbidden Fruit.' This hitherto almost unknown luxury is much appreciated
by those who nave tried it." rF

Hasn't the enterprising and, of course, very old-established firm
which advertises this luxury any recommendation in writing from

The fairest of her daughters," Eve ? If S0) let them prodSce the
papyrus. *

The last Christmas Cards to arrive, are Taylor Foot's "Merry
Thoughts," &c, from Poland Street.-they're behind time ; so very
slow a-foot m coming. As practical jokes, the mince-pie cards are
uncommonly good, and indeed the sham maybe substituted for the
real, by a mince pi-ous fraud allowable at Christmas time.