DOI issue:
January to June, 1844
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16519#0020
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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
PUNCH'S PANTOMIME
The following Pantomime (like our production of last year) is much too
good to be acted, and the public will be kind enough, therefore, to feel
-satisfied with reading it. It is called—
or, the wizard of wa lb rook.
SCENE I.—SI. Stephen's Church by daylight ; showing the Nave and
the Select Vestry. One of the Church wardens discovered.
Churchwarden.
For twice ten weeks—and ten to that again,
They've ask'd for my accounts—and ask'd in vain.
For oh ! how dare the varlets to expect
A sight intended but for eyes select ?
[Slow Music—he lies doivn and goes to sleep.
A flash of red fire. Enter a Genius.
Churchwarden (starting up).
Ha ! who art thou, disturbing thus my slumbers ?
Genius.
I am the Genius of mystic numbers.
I wish to serve you ! With a dreadful shock
You've lately run your head against a Rock.
Churchwarden.
You 're right—I have ! but I don't care a bit ;
For by that Rock I '11 ne'er be made to split.
But can you aid me ?
Genius.
Aye, and will ! I've power
To make up your accounts in half an hour.
Churchwarden .
Thanks, noble Genius, my joy's complete.
Genius.
What ho ! appear ! Sprite of the Balance-sheet !
[Music—He waves his wand, and a Sprite appears holding
a magic balance-sheet bringing in the parish several
hundred pounds in debt to the Churchwaudex. Blue
and red fire ; during which the Churchwarden sinks
through a trap with the magic balance-sheet, attended by
the Sprite and the Genius,
SCENE II.—A rocky pass, with an impenetrable Rock in the foreground.
Music. Enter the Churchwarden cautiously.
Churchwarden.
I 've got so far. I'm puzzled now, alas !
To find the means this flinty Rock to pass :
The cloak I wear is useless, much I fear,
If that great Rock comes down upon me here.
A voice from the Rock.
Again I ask, though vain, the question be,
Will you allow us your accounts to see ?
Churchwarden.
Ah ! taunt me not, my blood-parochial mounts
With rage, when ask'd to furnish my accounts ;
Within my breast the lion seems to rise.
Show my accounts to rude and vulgar eyes !
To those who'd every petty item scan !
I never will ; indeed, I never can.
A rumbling noise is heard in the Rock, which falls suddenly on the
Churchwarden, and overwhelms him.
SCENE III.— The Cave of Despair, Enter some Parishioners and the
Rector, who grope about to soft music after the Churchwarden.
Enter the Churchwarden. The lights are quite down, and he en-
deavours to drop the, mystic accounts into the Well of Oblivion, which
is seen in the back ground. Just as he is about to do so, a Fairy rises,
and the mystic accounts fly into the air amid a cloud of smoke and
blue fire.
Fairy.
This hubbub cease ! attend awhile to me,
Since your accounts the world will never see.
And, as a slippery person you are twitted,
For slippery pantaloon you well are fitted.
The Rock which heavily on you came down
Shall be at hand to worry you as Clown.
The Rector, who has tried to calm the di:;,
Shall have the magic hat of Harlequin ;
And, as to see the sport I much incline.
Myself will take the part of Columbine.
Business.
The Churchivarden, as Pantaloon, comes down to the front, puts his
tongue in his left cheek, pulls an account-Look out of his pocket,
winks at the audience, and says, "Here we are!" Clown tries to
get hold of the book, but Pantaloon saps, " No you don't !" Harle-
quin shakes his wand. Clown trips Pantaloon up, who falls on his
back, but sliakes his head, and says " How are you ?" to Harlequin,
who turns upon his heel ; and the scene closes.
SCENE II.—-The Sea-bathing Infirmary, Margate. Pantaloon comes
in and cuts a few covers ; CloWiN follows. Tie offers to teach the
former Arithmetic. Pantaloon takes the slate and makes a number
of unmeaning figures. Clown looks at them and can't understand
them. Pantaloon gives a book, which he calls a Key to his Arith-
metic, and Clown reads " Walker." on the title-page. Pantaloon
shuffles off) with Clown hallooing after him.
The whole of the business is in the same style as that which we have
described above ; and the reader can therefore easily imagine it. The
tricks and transformations are of the most wonderful kind; and one, con-
sisting of the change from a bundle of sticks into a select vestry, is parti-
cularly striking. Amongst the tricks is an extraordinary contrivance, bv
which an immense pair of scales, with a balance labelled "Balance on
an immense Scale," appear to pass naturally into Pantaloon's pocket.
A JUST COMPLAINT.
3rd Kerb-stone, Regent-street.
Honoured Sir,—I superintend a crossing in Regent-street, and to it
I have devoted the energies of, I trust, a not mis-spent life : and now in
my old age, to be cast aside as rubbish—the idea is agonizing !
I was making a hearty dinner off a benevolent gentleman (a dandy had
afforded but a poor breakfast) and alternately luxuriating in a twopenny -
plate of beefd-la-mode, and the columns of the Morning Post, when
my corn gave a foreboding twinge, and my eye fell on the following
announcement :—" The sweeping-machine which was lately so success-
fully tested in Regent-street is to be introduced into all our principal
thoroughfares." O, Mr. Punch, intercept your powerful hand, and pre-
serve an unoffending, deserving race from extinction ; deserving—for
what can be more consistent with the principle of charity, than to make
the way clear for our fellows ? Unoffending—for who will deny our
civility (when well paid) ? Perhaps we may give the uncharitable coxcomb
a sly splash; but do not the best of men throw dirt at each other, and
that without any provocation '?
These machines, Sir,—take my word for it—have been taken in hand
by some great person, and of course will be patronised by every one
else ; for society is like a cab-stand,—if the first horse in the rank moves,
all the rest follow its example.
I feel, Sir, already, that I have as little business here as the Statue of
Shakspeare has over the portal of Drury Lane ; but I cannot tear myself
away, for I am on my five and-twentieth broom, and a quarter through
my fourth wooden-leg ; and there are ties—nay knots—of affection that
bind me to my (lamp) post.
Yours in sorrow,
A Desponding Sweeper.
2Wud for the Million.
In consequence of the muddy state of the streets, orders have been given
that every householder in the City shall sweep the footpath before his own
house. It is fortunate for Lord Brougham he does not reside in the City,
for he would have tolerably hard work to clear away all the rubbish that
is laid at his door.
We understand that the noble lord intends giving to the citizens the
benefit of his experience, by publishing a new hand-book, to be called—
" Every Man his own Scavenger."
___■
Lifts to lazy lawyers.
Q. Give an instance of a "Similiter" 2
A. You're another !
Q. What is the meaning of "'putting yourself upon the country !"
A. Going to the workhouse.
Q. Where is the Great Seal kept ?
A. In the Arctic Ocean. A small specimen may be seen at the Zoolo-
gical Gardens.
Q. What are " Breaches of Trust " ?
A. Trowsers procured on Tick.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
PUNCH'S PANTOMIME
The following Pantomime (like our production of last year) is much too
good to be acted, and the public will be kind enough, therefore, to feel
-satisfied with reading it. It is called—
or, the wizard of wa lb rook.
SCENE I.—SI. Stephen's Church by daylight ; showing the Nave and
the Select Vestry. One of the Church wardens discovered.
Churchwarden.
For twice ten weeks—and ten to that again,
They've ask'd for my accounts—and ask'd in vain.
For oh ! how dare the varlets to expect
A sight intended but for eyes select ?
[Slow Music—he lies doivn and goes to sleep.
A flash of red fire. Enter a Genius.
Churchwarden (starting up).
Ha ! who art thou, disturbing thus my slumbers ?
Genius.
I am the Genius of mystic numbers.
I wish to serve you ! With a dreadful shock
You've lately run your head against a Rock.
Churchwarden.
You 're right—I have ! but I don't care a bit ;
For by that Rock I '11 ne'er be made to split.
But can you aid me ?
Genius.
Aye, and will ! I've power
To make up your accounts in half an hour.
Churchwarden .
Thanks, noble Genius, my joy's complete.
Genius.
What ho ! appear ! Sprite of the Balance-sheet !
[Music—He waves his wand, and a Sprite appears holding
a magic balance-sheet bringing in the parish several
hundred pounds in debt to the Churchwaudex. Blue
and red fire ; during which the Churchwarden sinks
through a trap with the magic balance-sheet, attended by
the Sprite and the Genius,
SCENE II.—A rocky pass, with an impenetrable Rock in the foreground.
Music. Enter the Churchwarden cautiously.
Churchwarden.
I 've got so far. I'm puzzled now, alas !
To find the means this flinty Rock to pass :
The cloak I wear is useless, much I fear,
If that great Rock comes down upon me here.
A voice from the Rock.
Again I ask, though vain, the question be,
Will you allow us your accounts to see ?
Churchwarden.
Ah ! taunt me not, my blood-parochial mounts
With rage, when ask'd to furnish my accounts ;
Within my breast the lion seems to rise.
Show my accounts to rude and vulgar eyes !
To those who'd every petty item scan !
I never will ; indeed, I never can.
A rumbling noise is heard in the Rock, which falls suddenly on the
Churchwarden, and overwhelms him.
SCENE III.— The Cave of Despair, Enter some Parishioners and the
Rector, who grope about to soft music after the Churchwarden.
Enter the Churchwarden. The lights are quite down, and he en-
deavours to drop the, mystic accounts into the Well of Oblivion, which
is seen in the back ground. Just as he is about to do so, a Fairy rises,
and the mystic accounts fly into the air amid a cloud of smoke and
blue fire.
Fairy.
This hubbub cease ! attend awhile to me,
Since your accounts the world will never see.
And, as a slippery person you are twitted,
For slippery pantaloon you well are fitted.
The Rock which heavily on you came down
Shall be at hand to worry you as Clown.
The Rector, who has tried to calm the di:;,
Shall have the magic hat of Harlequin ;
And, as to see the sport I much incline.
Myself will take the part of Columbine.
Business.
The Churchivarden, as Pantaloon, comes down to the front, puts his
tongue in his left cheek, pulls an account-Look out of his pocket,
winks at the audience, and says, "Here we are!" Clown tries to
get hold of the book, but Pantaloon saps, " No you don't !" Harle-
quin shakes his wand. Clown trips Pantaloon up, who falls on his
back, but sliakes his head, and says " How are you ?" to Harlequin,
who turns upon his heel ; and the scene closes.
SCENE II.—-The Sea-bathing Infirmary, Margate. Pantaloon comes
in and cuts a few covers ; CloWiN follows. Tie offers to teach the
former Arithmetic. Pantaloon takes the slate and makes a number
of unmeaning figures. Clown looks at them and can't understand
them. Pantaloon gives a book, which he calls a Key to his Arith-
metic, and Clown reads " Walker." on the title-page. Pantaloon
shuffles off) with Clown hallooing after him.
The whole of the business is in the same style as that which we have
described above ; and the reader can therefore easily imagine it. The
tricks and transformations are of the most wonderful kind; and one, con-
sisting of the change from a bundle of sticks into a select vestry, is parti-
cularly striking. Amongst the tricks is an extraordinary contrivance, bv
which an immense pair of scales, with a balance labelled "Balance on
an immense Scale," appear to pass naturally into Pantaloon's pocket.
A JUST COMPLAINT.
3rd Kerb-stone, Regent-street.
Honoured Sir,—I superintend a crossing in Regent-street, and to it
I have devoted the energies of, I trust, a not mis-spent life : and now in
my old age, to be cast aside as rubbish—the idea is agonizing !
I was making a hearty dinner off a benevolent gentleman (a dandy had
afforded but a poor breakfast) and alternately luxuriating in a twopenny -
plate of beefd-la-mode, and the columns of the Morning Post, when
my corn gave a foreboding twinge, and my eye fell on the following
announcement :—" The sweeping-machine which was lately so success-
fully tested in Regent-street is to be introduced into all our principal
thoroughfares." O, Mr. Punch, intercept your powerful hand, and pre-
serve an unoffending, deserving race from extinction ; deserving—for
what can be more consistent with the principle of charity, than to make
the way clear for our fellows ? Unoffending—for who will deny our
civility (when well paid) ? Perhaps we may give the uncharitable coxcomb
a sly splash; but do not the best of men throw dirt at each other, and
that without any provocation '?
These machines, Sir,—take my word for it—have been taken in hand
by some great person, and of course will be patronised by every one
else ; for society is like a cab-stand,—if the first horse in the rank moves,
all the rest follow its example.
I feel, Sir, already, that I have as little business here as the Statue of
Shakspeare has over the portal of Drury Lane ; but I cannot tear myself
away, for I am on my five and-twentieth broom, and a quarter through
my fourth wooden-leg ; and there are ties—nay knots—of affection that
bind me to my (lamp) post.
Yours in sorrow,
A Desponding Sweeper.
2Wud for the Million.
In consequence of the muddy state of the streets, orders have been given
that every householder in the City shall sweep the footpath before his own
house. It is fortunate for Lord Brougham he does not reside in the City,
for he would have tolerably hard work to clear away all the rubbish that
is laid at his door.
We understand that the noble lord intends giving to the citizens the
benefit of his experience, by publishing a new hand-book, to be called—
" Every Man his own Scavenger."
___■
Lifts to lazy lawyers.
Q. Give an instance of a "Similiter" 2
A. You're another !
Q. What is the meaning of "'putting yourself upon the country !"
A. Going to the workhouse.
Q. Where is the Great Seal kept ?
A. In the Arctic Ocean. A small specimen may be seen at the Zoolo-
gical Gardens.
Q. What are " Breaches of Trust " ?
A. Trowsers procured on Tick.