DOI issue:
January to June, 1844
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16519#0132
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
135
PUNCH'S GLIDE TO GOVERNMENT SITUATIONS.
tew years ago a delusive little Trea-
tise was published under the title
of " How to keep House upon a
Hundred a-year," which certainly
told the public how the house
niight be kept, but not the family
that lived in it.
Seeing a book advertised with
the title of " A Guide to Govern-
-t»- ment Situations," we bought the
*■» aOr %_ work, and, arm'd with its talis-
manic power, we rushed to the
Treasury, where we requested to
be shown a few Government situations, intending to walk into the most
eligible, with the aid of our Guide Book. We presumed, in our simplicity,
that places under Government might possibly be something like the 5000
straw bonnets thrown into the linen-drapers' windows at this time of the
year, with the generous intimation, that they are to be (almost) given
iway ; and, indeed, we began to suppose that Government situations were
plentiful enough, if people only knew where to go for them. We have,
however, been cruelly deceived ; for the only situation under Government
into which the "Guide" seemed likely to get us, was that of first gentle-
man in waiting at the station-house.
Considering it possible that others may be subjected to a disappointment
similar to that we ourselves experienced, we beg leave to offer to the
public a Guide of our own, which we think will be more efficacious than
the one we have already alluded to.
Chr. |omc JBrpavtmcnt.
The Chief-Secretaryship of this department is a very lucrative place.
It would be difficult to offer any guide to it, for the individuals who have
held it have reached it through so many crooked ways—such an endless
variety of ins and outs, such constant shifting and changing from side to
side—that it would be quite impossible to follow them. The same may be
said of the Secretaryship of State for the Colonies.
3£ato £8rpartmcnt.
The Chancellorship is, of course, the highest prize in this branch of the
public service, and any Guide to Government Situations would be incom-
plete, if it did not point out the way to the woolsack. Lord Brougham's
short and easy method is to go and sit upon it whenever he can, so as to
be prepared to push off the legitimate occupant on the first opportunity,
or to take his place, in the event of his leaving it. The Attorney and
Solicitor-Generalships are prizes worth having ; and perhaps one of the
safest roads to legal promotion, particularly in Ireland, would be to get a
brief for the Crown, and challenge the opposite counsel. Country Commis-
sionerships of Bankrupts, which are worth about a thousand a-year, seem
to be very easily obtained, if we may judge by the manner in which these
situations have been hitherto filled. It may be sufficient for the purposes
of our Guide to state, that the only qualification that seems to be actually
indispensable is an utter ignorance of the law of Bankruptcy. We have
arrived at this conclusion merely from a close observation of the qualities
for which the new Commissioners of Bankruptcy have hitherto been dis-
tinguished. We should say, from our experience in this matter, that to
inow anything whatever about the subject of his duties would be fatal to
the pretensions of a candidate for the highly lucrative offices alluded to.
Custom ^cusc fflqiartmrnt.
-li3»T6 branch of the public service has, hitherto, been doubly eligible, for
:W- J^as been not only the salary attached to the various places, but the
juctjBgs have been very considerable. The same pickings exist in other
departments, to which we recommend the applicant for a Government
situation to turn his attention, because the Custom-house perquisites have
been in a great degree curtailed by the very awkward exposures that
have recently transpired. This branch of the public service lias been
spoilt for the present, as a source of large emolument; but there are
numerous other departments where the spirit of impertinent curiosity has
not yet been able to penetrate.
<0rrf)Et{urr iBrnartmcnt.
In order to obtain the full benefit of the resources opened out by
employment in this department, it was formerly desirable to cultivate an
imitative style of hand-writing, and to form connections on the Stock
Exchange This branch of the public service was worked to the full
extent of its capabilities by Mr. Beaumont Smith, who was, unfortunately,
Lot permitted to enjoy the fruits of his ingenuity.
In concluding our Guide to Government Situations, we most earnestly
express to the person in want of one, our most sincere, our most ardent
and our most heartfelt wish, that—he may get it.
Q. Why is a Bill Sticker like a Gambler »
A. iBecause he does nothing but placards (play cards,.
THE PROHIBITED COMEDY
Among the company at Astley's was a rider who, whenever he felt his
own share in the performance going flatly, always contrived to tumble off
his horse, which invariably got him a round of applause, and rendered
him an object of interest during the remainder of the evening. Nothing
can be better than a misfortune, as a source of popularity, for the time
being ; and it is sometimes worth the while of a beggar to get wilfully
knocked over by a butcher's cart, when public benevolence, if it has beeu
previously flagging, will at once receive a stimulus. A gentleman has
written a five-act comedy, which the examiner of plays has prohibited,
and of course there is one universal shout of " Shame ! shame ! Down
with the Chamberlain ! Turn out the licenser !" " Throw him over !" in
fact, do anything with any one who has had any hand or any voice in
offering any obstruction to any amusement of his most omnipotent majesty,
—the People.
There is a society called the Syncretics, whose boast it is that they can
write tragedies which no company can act and no audience can sit out,
but they nevertheless call themselves and each other great men, who
write for posterity. Thank goodness they don't write for us, which is all
we care about. The author of the prohibited comedy has become one of
the great unactables, though his unactability does not arise from the abso-
lute unsitoutableness of his production. He has been extinguished by the
caprice of the examiner of plays, who, by the by, might rescue many a
dramatist from disgrace, many a manager from loss, and many an audi-
ence from nausea, if the power of prohibition were in certain cases freely
exercised. We can see nothing in the prohibited comedy of Richelieu in
Love to warrant the treatment it has experienced. There is no passage
half so strong as a few that occur in the following scene from a comedy of
our own, which we intend presenting to the attention of the licenser. We
have adopted the Elizabethan style, though the subject is a modern one.
Scene—A Room in the Treasury.
Enter Sir R. Peel and Sir James Graham.
Peel. Marry, come up, but we are precious knaves.
Graham. Ay ! quotha, by our ladye, but we are.
Peel. Said you our ladye \
Graham. By my troth 1 did.
Peel. Thy troth indeed ! the fancy likes me much :
Thy troth ! why, marry, what dost call thy troth !
Thou didst betroth thyself to Goodman Grey,
And then thou didst betroth thee to his foe.
If that's thy troth, troth me no troths, say I.
Graham. Nay, neighbour Peel, thou pitchest it too strong ;
For were I come to such a pitch as this,
That no black pitch were pitchier than I,
Then mightest thou pitch thus fiercely into me. (He weeps.)
Peel. Nay, do not pour the water from thine eye,
Though it be—all thine eye — in double sense ;
But think me not made for thy pupillage,
Ready to scan the pupils of thine eyes.
Alas, alas ! what hypocrites we both are.
Graham. Marry, come up !
Peel, l'fecks, Gramercy, quotha.
\Extunt laughing in their sleeves, and the curtain falls
THE BRITISH AND FOREIGN INSTITUTE.
A soiree was given here on Thursday, and an explanation was attempted
of a design upon the wall by Mr. Motley, which was very satisfactory to
the motley assemblage of visitors. Some one among the guests intimated
privately that it would be as well, if while designs were being explained
they could get some explanation of tfie designs of Mr. Buckingham. Sub-
sequently, Mr. Buckingham gave a description of some of the great
American Lakes, and illustrated their depth by talking some most
unfathomable nonsense. Somebody then laid upon the table a piece of
striped paper, which was said to be a plan of the Himalayah Mountains.
One of the visitors then produced a piccolo flute, and played upon it for a
few minutes, which had the effect of gradually clearing the r#om.
Tlie Sbort Passage to America.
Since Sir Valentine Blake has proposed this scheme, it has be:n taken
up in various quarters, by individuals to whom the shortest possible cut
to America is a matter of the greatest importance. The plan of Sir
Valentine Blake of cutting away the land and carryings -ailroad over
the sea will be superseded by a newer and a better notion, for'it is now in
contemplation to erect a steam-boat, by the aid of a company ready to go
to any lengths, that will extend half way across the Atlantic, and this
method, added to a plan of dividing the Cape in half, instead of the old
practice of doubling it, will, in the opinion of Sir YAiKWTlNK BLAKF,
exactly achieve the contemplated object.
135
PUNCH'S GLIDE TO GOVERNMENT SITUATIONS.
tew years ago a delusive little Trea-
tise was published under the title
of " How to keep House upon a
Hundred a-year," which certainly
told the public how the house
niight be kept, but not the family
that lived in it.
Seeing a book advertised with
the title of " A Guide to Govern-
-t»- ment Situations," we bought the
*■» aOr %_ work, and, arm'd with its talis-
manic power, we rushed to the
Treasury, where we requested to
be shown a few Government situations, intending to walk into the most
eligible, with the aid of our Guide Book. We presumed, in our simplicity,
that places under Government might possibly be something like the 5000
straw bonnets thrown into the linen-drapers' windows at this time of the
year, with the generous intimation, that they are to be (almost) given
iway ; and, indeed, we began to suppose that Government situations were
plentiful enough, if people only knew where to go for them. We have,
however, been cruelly deceived ; for the only situation under Government
into which the "Guide" seemed likely to get us, was that of first gentle-
man in waiting at the station-house.
Considering it possible that others may be subjected to a disappointment
similar to that we ourselves experienced, we beg leave to offer to the
public a Guide of our own, which we think will be more efficacious than
the one we have already alluded to.
Chr. |omc JBrpavtmcnt.
The Chief-Secretaryship of this department is a very lucrative place.
It would be difficult to offer any guide to it, for the individuals who have
held it have reached it through so many crooked ways—such an endless
variety of ins and outs, such constant shifting and changing from side to
side—that it would be quite impossible to follow them. The same may be
said of the Secretaryship of State for the Colonies.
3£ato £8rpartmcnt.
The Chancellorship is, of course, the highest prize in this branch of the
public service, and any Guide to Government Situations would be incom-
plete, if it did not point out the way to the woolsack. Lord Brougham's
short and easy method is to go and sit upon it whenever he can, so as to
be prepared to push off the legitimate occupant on the first opportunity,
or to take his place, in the event of his leaving it. The Attorney and
Solicitor-Generalships are prizes worth having ; and perhaps one of the
safest roads to legal promotion, particularly in Ireland, would be to get a
brief for the Crown, and challenge the opposite counsel. Country Commis-
sionerships of Bankrupts, which are worth about a thousand a-year, seem
to be very easily obtained, if we may judge by the manner in which these
situations have been hitherto filled. It may be sufficient for the purposes
of our Guide to state, that the only qualification that seems to be actually
indispensable is an utter ignorance of the law of Bankruptcy. We have
arrived at this conclusion merely from a close observation of the qualities
for which the new Commissioners of Bankruptcy have hitherto been dis-
tinguished. We should say, from our experience in this matter, that to
inow anything whatever about the subject of his duties would be fatal to
the pretensions of a candidate for the highly lucrative offices alluded to.
Custom ^cusc fflqiartmrnt.
-li3»T6 branch of the public service has, hitherto, been doubly eligible, for
:W- J^as been not only the salary attached to the various places, but the
juctjBgs have been very considerable. The same pickings exist in other
departments, to which we recommend the applicant for a Government
situation to turn his attention, because the Custom-house perquisites have
been in a great degree curtailed by the very awkward exposures that
have recently transpired. This branch of the public service lias been
spoilt for the present, as a source of large emolument; but there are
numerous other departments where the spirit of impertinent curiosity has
not yet been able to penetrate.
<0rrf)Et{urr iBrnartmcnt.
In order to obtain the full benefit of the resources opened out by
employment in this department, it was formerly desirable to cultivate an
imitative style of hand-writing, and to form connections on the Stock
Exchange This branch of the public service was worked to the full
extent of its capabilities by Mr. Beaumont Smith, who was, unfortunately,
Lot permitted to enjoy the fruits of his ingenuity.
In concluding our Guide to Government Situations, we most earnestly
express to the person in want of one, our most sincere, our most ardent
and our most heartfelt wish, that—he may get it.
Q. Why is a Bill Sticker like a Gambler »
A. iBecause he does nothing but placards (play cards,.
THE PROHIBITED COMEDY
Among the company at Astley's was a rider who, whenever he felt his
own share in the performance going flatly, always contrived to tumble off
his horse, which invariably got him a round of applause, and rendered
him an object of interest during the remainder of the evening. Nothing
can be better than a misfortune, as a source of popularity, for the time
being ; and it is sometimes worth the while of a beggar to get wilfully
knocked over by a butcher's cart, when public benevolence, if it has beeu
previously flagging, will at once receive a stimulus. A gentleman has
written a five-act comedy, which the examiner of plays has prohibited,
and of course there is one universal shout of " Shame ! shame ! Down
with the Chamberlain ! Turn out the licenser !" " Throw him over !" in
fact, do anything with any one who has had any hand or any voice in
offering any obstruction to any amusement of his most omnipotent majesty,
—the People.
There is a society called the Syncretics, whose boast it is that they can
write tragedies which no company can act and no audience can sit out,
but they nevertheless call themselves and each other great men, who
write for posterity. Thank goodness they don't write for us, which is all
we care about. The author of the prohibited comedy has become one of
the great unactables, though his unactability does not arise from the abso-
lute unsitoutableness of his production. He has been extinguished by the
caprice of the examiner of plays, who, by the by, might rescue many a
dramatist from disgrace, many a manager from loss, and many an audi-
ence from nausea, if the power of prohibition were in certain cases freely
exercised. We can see nothing in the prohibited comedy of Richelieu in
Love to warrant the treatment it has experienced. There is no passage
half so strong as a few that occur in the following scene from a comedy of
our own, which we intend presenting to the attention of the licenser. We
have adopted the Elizabethan style, though the subject is a modern one.
Scene—A Room in the Treasury.
Enter Sir R. Peel and Sir James Graham.
Peel. Marry, come up, but we are precious knaves.
Graham. Ay ! quotha, by our ladye, but we are.
Peel. Said you our ladye \
Graham. By my troth 1 did.
Peel. Thy troth indeed ! the fancy likes me much :
Thy troth ! why, marry, what dost call thy troth !
Thou didst betroth thyself to Goodman Grey,
And then thou didst betroth thee to his foe.
If that's thy troth, troth me no troths, say I.
Graham. Nay, neighbour Peel, thou pitchest it too strong ;
For were I come to such a pitch as this,
That no black pitch were pitchier than I,
Then mightest thou pitch thus fiercely into me. (He weeps.)
Peel. Nay, do not pour the water from thine eye,
Though it be—all thine eye — in double sense ;
But think me not made for thy pupillage,
Ready to scan the pupils of thine eyes.
Alas, alas ! what hypocrites we both are.
Graham. Marry, come up !
Peel, l'fecks, Gramercy, quotha.
\Extunt laughing in their sleeves, and the curtain falls
THE BRITISH AND FOREIGN INSTITUTE.
A soiree was given here on Thursday, and an explanation was attempted
of a design upon the wall by Mr. Motley, which was very satisfactory to
the motley assemblage of visitors. Some one among the guests intimated
privately that it would be as well, if while designs were being explained
they could get some explanation of tfie designs of Mr. Buckingham. Sub-
sequently, Mr. Buckingham gave a description of some of the great
American Lakes, and illustrated their depth by talking some most
unfathomable nonsense. Somebody then laid upon the table a piece of
striped paper, which was said to be a plan of the Himalayah Mountains.
One of the visitors then produced a piccolo flute, and played upon it for a
few minutes, which had the effect of gradually clearing the r#om.
Tlie Sbort Passage to America.
Since Sir Valentine Blake has proposed this scheme, it has be:n taken
up in various quarters, by individuals to whom the shortest possible cut
to America is a matter of the greatest importance. The plan of Sir
Valentine Blake of cutting away the land and carryings -ailroad over
the sea will be superseded by a newer and a better notion, for'it is now in
contemplation to erect a steam-boat, by the aid of a company ready to go
to any lengths, that will extend half way across the Atlantic, and this
method, added to a plan of dividing the Cape in half, instead of the old
practice of doubling it, will, in the opinion of Sir YAiKWTlNK BLAKF,
exactly achieve the contemplated object.