Punch: Punch (6.1844)

208

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

MORE HINTS TO MAKE HOME HAPPY -TO WIVES.

Your first consideration before marriage was,
how to please your lover. Consider any such
endeavour, after marriage, to be unnecessary and
ridiculous ; and, by way of amends for your former
labour, let your sole object be, to please yourself.

Be at no pains to look well of a morning. A long
toilet is tiresome ; particularly when it is cold.
" Taking the hair out " occupies nearly ten minutes :
come down to breakfast, therefore, in curl papers ;
also in a flannel dressing-gown ; and, unless you
expect callers, remain in deshabille all day. Hus-
bands are nobodies, and comfort is to be studied
before appearance.

But are you to neglect your attire altogether \
By no means. Indulge your taste in dress to the
utmost. Be always buying something new ; never mind the expense of
it. Payments belong to husbands. If you see a shawl or bonnet in a
window, order it. Should a silk or a muslin attract your eye, desire it
to be sent home. Does a feather, a ribbon, a jewel, strike your fancy \
purchase it instantly. If your husband is astonished at the bill, pout ; if
lie remonstrates, cry. But do not spoil your finery by domestic wear.
Reserve it for promenades and parties. It is the admiration of society
that you should seek for, not your husband's.

lie constantly seeing tables, chairs, window curtains, and other furni-
tme which you like better than your own ; and insist upon their being got.
Want to get rid of your old piano, and have a new one. If your husband
keeps a carriage for you, desire a better ; if he does not, and cannot afford
it, complain. Whenever your desires exceed his means, look unhappy,
and bint how much more advantageously you might have married. Never
smile and hope for better things, but make your husband feel, as keenly
as you can, the inadequacy of his means to support you.

Practise, however, a reasonable economy. Take every opportunity of
making a cheap purchase ; and when asked of what use it is \ reply, that
it is " a bargain."

Enjoy ill health. Be very nervous : and, in particular, subject to fits ;
which you are to fly into as often as your husband is unkind, that is,
whenever he reasons with you. Make the most of every little ache or
pain ; and insist upon having a fashionable physician. There is something

very elegant in illness ; a prettiuess in a deli-
cate constitution—affect this attraction if you
have it not—men admire it exceedingly.

Put yourself under no restraint in your hus-
band's presence. Sit, loll, or lie, in just what
way you like, looking only to the ease of the pos-
ture, not to its grace. Leave niceties of con-
versation and sentiment to the single ; never
mind how you express yourself ; why should
wives be particular ? When your husband
wishes to read or be quiet, keep chattering to
him ; the more frivolous and uninteresting
the subject, the better. If he is disposed for
conversation, be dull and silent : and when-
ever you see that he is interested in what he

is talking about, especially if he wishes you to attend to him, keep
yawning.

There are two ways of discharging your household duties. If you are
languid and listless, you may let them alone : if not able, you should be
continually turning the house topsy-turvy, under pretence of setting it to
rights. You can either let your servants do just as they please ; or you may-
be continually in the kitchen, looking after them. In the latter case, scolil
them frequently, and in an audible voice, so as to be heard up-stairs.
Never think of looking to your husband's shirt buttons ; leave that to the
laundress ; or, if you must attend to his linen, superintend your washing
in person, and have frequent water-parties ; and, especially in winter,
always have the clothes dried before the parlour fire.

If your husband has to go out to a business-dinner, or to the play, never
let him have the latch-key ; and should he, on any occasion, stay out late,
send the servant to bed, sit up for him yourself, and make a merit of the
sacrifice to " the wretch."

Have a female confidant, who will instruct you in all the ill qualities of
husbands generally, and will supply any deficiencies in the above hints.
In conclusion, bear these grand principles in mind—that men must be
crossed and thwarted continually, or they are sure to be tyrants ; that a
woman, to have her rights, must stand up for them ; and that the
behaviour which won a man's affections, is by no means necessary to
preserve them.

Guildhall Toasts. Musical Intelligence.

At the late dinner given by the Lord Mayor to the Bench of Bishops,
Mr. Alderman Gibbs, by virtue of his virtues, enjoyed a very con-
spicuous place. On the " Memory of Cocker " being proposed by the
City Chamberlain, and drunk in solemn silence, Mr. Alderman Gibbs
returned thanks for the departed arithmetician.

SCIENTIFIC INTELLIGENCE.
We understand that the Lord Mayor intends taking out a patent for an
invention for the cure of Smoky Chimnies. The experiment has been
tried very successfully at the Mansion House, the chimnies of which have
hardly been seen to smoke at all during the last six months.

Extraordinary Coincidence!

On the very evening that Lord Campbell's Bill for the Entire Aboli-
tion of Arrest for Debt was read a second time in the House of Lords,
swarms of rats were seen to leave every sponging-house in the metropolis.
The next morning bows of black crape were observed at the topmost bars
of sach domiciles, and several distinguished Sheriff's Officers appeared in
the streets in deep mourning.

We are told by the papers that Mr. Balfe has had an interview with
Louis-Philippe, who complimented him very highly on the success of the
Bohemian Girl. Thus it appears, if British musicians would be patro-
nised by royalty, they must quit England and go to France.

WANT PLACES.

The Man and the Boy from the works in Trafalgar Square. They can
have a fourteen years' character from their last place, and are willing to
make themselves generally useless. Having come down in the world—
from the top of the Nelson Column—is the only reason for inserting tin-
advertisement.

Festina Lente.—The "vigilance of the Police" has become such a
matter of ridicule, that the proverb of " slow as a snail " has been changed,
by universal consent, into " slow as a policeman."

Printed by William Bradbury, of No «, York Place, Stoke Newington, and Frederick Mullett Evans,
or No 7. ChuriM Row, Stoke Newington, both in the County ot Middlesex, Printers, at their
Office in Lombard Street, in ihe Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and published by
Joseph Smith, Publisher, of No. S3. St. John's Wood Terrace. St. John's Wood Road, Regent's
Park, in the County of Middlesex, at the Office, No 194, Strand, in the Parish of Sv Clement
Danes, in the County of M iddlesex.—Saturday, Mat U, 1844.