DOI issue:
January to June, 1846
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16542#0211
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
213
THE DRAUGHTS.
(FREELY IMITATED FROM THE CLOUDS OF ARISTOPHANES.)
DRAMATIS PEFSOrv/E.
Lord Broigham. Dr. Reid.
Lord Lincouj. | Chorus o/DraugMt.
Lord Brougham. Lord Lincoln asleep beside him.
rough. Oh dear ! Oh dear !
Oh, royal Jove ! How long this house of ours
Is in the huilding ! Will it ne'er be done !
Night after night have I been blowing up,
Yet Barry potters on !
'Tis longer than a Chancery suit ; that is,
Than Chancery suits were wont to be when I
JWkN Sat on the woolsack—would I sat there now !
M^Sm'1 i And Lincoln too. the sluggish Woods and Forests,
&3>~^S Are just as bad as Barry. WTiat ho ! Lincoln !
Awake, I say.
Line, (in his sleep). Fresco and ventilation—five
more years !
Brough. Confound the fresco—methinks we, the
Peers,
Must sit alfresco, while the house is building.
(Shaking him.) Awake, I say !
Line, (in his sleep.) Dyce, Cope, Maclise, Reid, Herbert, Horsley.
—ah ! (snores.)
Brough. Still on high art! Awake, I say ; rouse up ! (shakes him
violently.) [Lincoln awakes and stretches himself.
Line. What is the matter, Brougham, that you make
Such an infernal fidget ?
Brough. Our house ! Our house ! To all my questions, when
We are to take possession, the reply,
Like that erst given to Ferguson, is still, " You don't lodge here."
Line. The house aint painted yet, nor ventilated.
Brough. Hang ventilation ! England's Peers, I hope,
Give themselves airs enough—they want not Reid's.
Line. As you 're in such a hurry, let us go
And seek the Temple of the Winds, where Reid
Dispenseth blasts of hot and cold at wilL
Dost see that shaft ?
Brough. I do.
Line. That is the Atmospheric Laboratory.
There dwells the man who hath found out that we,
Like the chameleon, should feed on air !
[The interior of the Atmospheric Laboratory is shown by means of
the (KKVK\ri/jLa. Reid is suspended on a pair of bellows.
Brough. Who's that upon the bellow3 ?
Line. That is Reid '
Brough. Blow him!
Line. Nay, that's his function—let's accost him.
Oh, modern -Solus, behold us here—
Two humble Peers, who seek out thine abode,
Honouring thy draughts, and anxious to inquire
Thy principles, in application to our future house !
Reid. I will initiate ye. Sit ye down upon that bag.
Brough. What is it ?
Reid. It contains my theories.
Brough. Oh ! Wind ?
Reid. Precisely. Listen now, while I
Invoke my sacred goddesses, the Draughts !—
" Oh, mightiest powers of earth, that in Cloudland have your birth,
I invoke ye, by Bladder and Bellows !
Come forth at my command, from all corners of the land,
To convert these refractory fellows.
Whether o'er Sahara's waste, hot and hot, you give a taste
How things are in the realms of Old Harry ;
Or cold-drawn in Baffin's Bay, ye fan Walruses at play
And froze round the nose of bold Parry.
From that paradise of stenches, where Cologne her odorous trenches
Defies by the aid of Farina ;
Smoke of peat from Irish cabins, frowzy whiffs from Houndsditch rabbins,
Savoury reek from the wynds of Edina.
And to spice your aerial grog, a slice of London fog
Cut thick from a street near the river,
With alternate ague-layers of cold and sultry airs,
To dance us from sweat into shiver !
Come oxygen, and nitrogen, and carburetted hydrogen,
Laughing-gases and choke-damp inclusive,
From all crannies, corners, chinks, perfumes, odours, flavours, stinks.
From trade-winds to draughts small but intrusive.
From north, south, east, and west, in my laboratory rest,
To supply our pent-up legislation,
With such wind as that, which, late, in the Corn-Law debate
Was so wastefully spent on the nation !"
{The Draughts rush in from every quarter of tlie stage, and nearly
blow Brougham and Lincoln off the bag.
Brough. Hold hard ! Hold hard ! Oh, Lord, my head, my legs 1
I'm frozen, fried, burnt, blistered, cut in half !
Reid. Ha, ha ! 'Tis well. I call this healthy breathing !
[Inhales with satisfaction.
A touch of cold upon your nose. I see
The skin is peeling off!
Brough. (shivers) Ah—ah !
Reid. Excuse me. That was a slight thought too strong
Of Arctic,—you 're frost-bitten.
Brough. (tearing off his cravat.) Air, air, I faint !
[Lincoln drops helplessly off the bag.
Reid. Huzza. I It works—more hot—what ho ! more cold !
[Frantically working his machinery.
Brough. (gasping.) Oh, cruel Reid ! (faintly) I die !
Upon my heart, if a post-mortem's tried,
Will—be—found—graven—
" Give us our new house !
Reid is a humbug ! " [Dies.
Reid. (exultingly.) My enemy is floored ! now I may work my will
On Lords and Commons both— [Explosion.
Huzza! A feu-de-joie / [Blows the roof of the House. Scene closes.
BAIL WAY LEGISLATION.
Perhaps the best method of dealing with the subject of Railway
liabilities would be to pass an Act of Oblivion, of which, in humble imi-
tation of the legislative conciseness of Lord Brougham, we beg leave
to suggest the following short form ;—
212fTf)erca£, it is expedient to expunge and entirely obliterate certain
circumstances that have happened within the last year with reference
to Railway speculation : And Whereas, it is desirable that certain
individuals should be placed in the position in which they were this
time twelvemonths : Be it therefore Enacted, by and with the con-
sent of Parliament, that so much of the last twel ve months as relates
to the Railway mania should be repealed, and the last year, so far as-
Railway liabilities are concerned, is hereby repealed accordingly. Pro-
vided always, that nothing in this Act contained shall be construed
into a permission to any person or persons to forget himself or them-
selves on any other subject whatever.
And be it further Enacted, That this Act shall be known by the
name of Lethe's Act, or the Act of Oblivion.
And be it further Enacted, That any one possessed of scrip to the
amount of twenty pound3, or being a Provisional Director of any Rail-
way, shall be allowed to claim the benefit of this Act, which shall be a
sufficient answer to all his Railway liabilities.
There should, of course, be the usual clause, that the Act may be
amended in the present Session.
OUR PROFESSIONAL ADVERTISER.
Medical.—Wants a Situation, as Visiting and Dispensing Assistant,
a young man, highly qualified, but whom a difference in opinion with
the Courts of Examiners has prevented from passing the Hall and
College. He has had considerable experience in Night Work, his
ordinary practice having, for the last five years—during which he has
been attending the hospitals—usually kept him out till from three to
four in the morning. He can give the most satisfactory general
references to several respectable publicans, at whose establishments he
has been in the habit of taking his evening meal, and the strongest
professional testimonials from the Beadle and Porter of his Hospital
Address to A. Z., at any of the principal billiard-rooms.
no SUCH LUCK!
The Eco del Comercio, being seized by the authorities at Madrid,
published lately a blank sheet. H our debates could only be published
in the same way I
213
THE DRAUGHTS.
(FREELY IMITATED FROM THE CLOUDS OF ARISTOPHANES.)
DRAMATIS PEFSOrv/E.
Lord Broigham. Dr. Reid.
Lord Lincouj. | Chorus o/DraugMt.
Lord Brougham. Lord Lincoln asleep beside him.
rough. Oh dear ! Oh dear !
Oh, royal Jove ! How long this house of ours
Is in the huilding ! Will it ne'er be done !
Night after night have I been blowing up,
Yet Barry potters on !
'Tis longer than a Chancery suit ; that is,
Than Chancery suits were wont to be when I
JWkN Sat on the woolsack—would I sat there now !
M^Sm'1 i And Lincoln too. the sluggish Woods and Forests,
&3>~^S Are just as bad as Barry. WTiat ho ! Lincoln !
Awake, I say.
Line, (in his sleep). Fresco and ventilation—five
more years !
Brough. Confound the fresco—methinks we, the
Peers,
Must sit alfresco, while the house is building.
(Shaking him.) Awake, I say !
Line, (in his sleep.) Dyce, Cope, Maclise, Reid, Herbert, Horsley.
—ah ! (snores.)
Brough. Still on high art! Awake, I say ; rouse up ! (shakes him
violently.) [Lincoln awakes and stretches himself.
Line. What is the matter, Brougham, that you make
Such an infernal fidget ?
Brough. Our house ! Our house ! To all my questions, when
We are to take possession, the reply,
Like that erst given to Ferguson, is still, " You don't lodge here."
Line. The house aint painted yet, nor ventilated.
Brough. Hang ventilation ! England's Peers, I hope,
Give themselves airs enough—they want not Reid's.
Line. As you 're in such a hurry, let us go
And seek the Temple of the Winds, where Reid
Dispenseth blasts of hot and cold at wilL
Dost see that shaft ?
Brough. I do.
Line. That is the Atmospheric Laboratory.
There dwells the man who hath found out that we,
Like the chameleon, should feed on air !
[The interior of the Atmospheric Laboratory is shown by means of
the (KKVK\ri/jLa. Reid is suspended on a pair of bellows.
Brough. Who's that upon the bellow3 ?
Line. That is Reid '
Brough. Blow him!
Line. Nay, that's his function—let's accost him.
Oh, modern -Solus, behold us here—
Two humble Peers, who seek out thine abode,
Honouring thy draughts, and anxious to inquire
Thy principles, in application to our future house !
Reid. I will initiate ye. Sit ye down upon that bag.
Brough. What is it ?
Reid. It contains my theories.
Brough. Oh ! Wind ?
Reid. Precisely. Listen now, while I
Invoke my sacred goddesses, the Draughts !—
" Oh, mightiest powers of earth, that in Cloudland have your birth,
I invoke ye, by Bladder and Bellows !
Come forth at my command, from all corners of the land,
To convert these refractory fellows.
Whether o'er Sahara's waste, hot and hot, you give a taste
How things are in the realms of Old Harry ;
Or cold-drawn in Baffin's Bay, ye fan Walruses at play
And froze round the nose of bold Parry.
From that paradise of stenches, where Cologne her odorous trenches
Defies by the aid of Farina ;
Smoke of peat from Irish cabins, frowzy whiffs from Houndsditch rabbins,
Savoury reek from the wynds of Edina.
And to spice your aerial grog, a slice of London fog
Cut thick from a street near the river,
With alternate ague-layers of cold and sultry airs,
To dance us from sweat into shiver !
Come oxygen, and nitrogen, and carburetted hydrogen,
Laughing-gases and choke-damp inclusive,
From all crannies, corners, chinks, perfumes, odours, flavours, stinks.
From trade-winds to draughts small but intrusive.
From north, south, east, and west, in my laboratory rest,
To supply our pent-up legislation,
With such wind as that, which, late, in the Corn-Law debate
Was so wastefully spent on the nation !"
{The Draughts rush in from every quarter of tlie stage, and nearly
blow Brougham and Lincoln off the bag.
Brough. Hold hard ! Hold hard ! Oh, Lord, my head, my legs 1
I'm frozen, fried, burnt, blistered, cut in half !
Reid. Ha, ha ! 'Tis well. I call this healthy breathing !
[Inhales with satisfaction.
A touch of cold upon your nose. I see
The skin is peeling off!
Brough. (shivers) Ah—ah !
Reid. Excuse me. That was a slight thought too strong
Of Arctic,—you 're frost-bitten.
Brough. (tearing off his cravat.) Air, air, I faint !
[Lincoln drops helplessly off the bag.
Reid. Huzza. I It works—more hot—what ho ! more cold !
[Frantically working his machinery.
Brough. (gasping.) Oh, cruel Reid ! (faintly) I die !
Upon my heart, if a post-mortem's tried,
Will—be—found—graven—
" Give us our new house !
Reid is a humbug ! " [Dies.
Reid. (exultingly.) My enemy is floored ! now I may work my will
On Lords and Commons both— [Explosion.
Huzza! A feu-de-joie / [Blows the roof of the House. Scene closes.
BAIL WAY LEGISLATION.
Perhaps the best method of dealing with the subject of Railway
liabilities would be to pass an Act of Oblivion, of which, in humble imi-
tation of the legislative conciseness of Lord Brougham, we beg leave
to suggest the following short form ;—
212fTf)erca£, it is expedient to expunge and entirely obliterate certain
circumstances that have happened within the last year with reference
to Railway speculation : And Whereas, it is desirable that certain
individuals should be placed in the position in which they were this
time twelvemonths : Be it therefore Enacted, by and with the con-
sent of Parliament, that so much of the last twel ve months as relates
to the Railway mania should be repealed, and the last year, so far as-
Railway liabilities are concerned, is hereby repealed accordingly. Pro-
vided always, that nothing in this Act contained shall be construed
into a permission to any person or persons to forget himself or them-
selves on any other subject whatever.
And be it further Enacted, That this Act shall be known by the
name of Lethe's Act, or the Act of Oblivion.
And be it further Enacted, That any one possessed of scrip to the
amount of twenty pound3, or being a Provisional Director of any Rail-
way, shall be allowed to claim the benefit of this Act, which shall be a
sufficient answer to all his Railway liabilities.
There should, of course, be the usual clause, that the Act may be
amended in the present Session.
OUR PROFESSIONAL ADVERTISER.
Medical.—Wants a Situation, as Visiting and Dispensing Assistant,
a young man, highly qualified, but whom a difference in opinion with
the Courts of Examiners has prevented from passing the Hall and
College. He has had considerable experience in Night Work, his
ordinary practice having, for the last five years—during which he has
been attending the hospitals—usually kept him out till from three to
four in the morning. He can give the most satisfactory general
references to several respectable publicans, at whose establishments he
has been in the habit of taking his evening meal, and the strongest
professional testimonials from the Beadle and Porter of his Hospital
Address to A. Z., at any of the principal billiard-rooms.
no SUCH LUCK!
The Eco del Comercio, being seized by the authorities at Madrid,
published lately a blank sheet. H our debates could only be published
in the same way I