DOI issue:
January to June, 1846
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16542#0258
260
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
NEW LOCOMOTIVES.
We intend competing at the next Exhibition of the result of British
Industry, and propose to forward models of two locomotives, each of
which is singularly adapted
to the present fashionable
modes of railway travelling.
The one called the Tor-
toise will be adapted to the
luggage and parliamentary
trains, set apart for the
accommodation of the poorer
class of travellers, whom it
is desirable to ^eep upon
the road as i^any hours as
possible.
The second model, the
Clown, may be used on any
railway ; the eccentric
movements of the locomo-
tive being happily adapted
to that practice of skipping
and leaping which is found
to exist, without the slightest cause, on various railways.
EATING-MATCH EXTRAORDINARY.
A grand eating-match has been for some time going on between the
Courts of Chancery and Aldermen ; the contest being which of the two
Courts shall devour the largest number of charities. Some may object
to this harmless pastime ; but one great object of charity is the feeding
of the hungry ; and who can be more hungry than Aldermen, except
lawyers ?
Betting, at the outset, was two to one upon the Aldermen, whose
long-established reputation for prowess at the table had created a
prestige in their favour ; and one bold speculator was heard to declare
that he would back them to eat up every charity in England in a
twelvemonth.
Their Worships have certainly been doing pretty well. 'Tis not in
Aldermen, or any other mortals, to command success ; but they have
done more, as the poet says, they have deserved it; having assuredly
spared no exertion to justify the reliance which has been placed upon
them by their backers. At one bout, which not long ago came off at
Greenwich, a small but determined band of civic champions disposed
of whitebait, stewed, collared, and spitchcocked eels, Thames flounders,
salmon in some half-a-dozen shapes, mackarel in about as many, carp,
tench, turbot, and lobster-sauce, in all about thirty dishes offish ; the
whole forming a most formidable array of the finny race.
They next got over, or through, a phalanx of strong pieces de resistance,
consisting of shoulders, breasts, and cutlets of lamb, roast and boiled
fowls, ducks, goslings, hams, tongues, sweetbreads, fricandeaux, curries,
and other substantial, to the amount of some forty dishes, not to
mention a numerous force of patties and such light auxiliaries ; after
which they set-to with a relay of tarts, cheese-cakes, Charlotte-Russes,
creams, jellies, and custards ; all of which, with their accompanying
condiments and vegetables, they utterly cut up and despatched. Un-
wearied with these efforts, they manfully returned to the charge, and
did signal execution upon grapes, pine-apples, almonds and raisins, figs,
prunes, oranges, confections, and sweets ; converting, in an incredibly
short time, a dessert into a desert. In the mean time, they completely
absorbed a whole cellar, in iced punch, Champagne, Hock, Sauterne,
Madeira, Port, Sherry, Claret, Seltzer and Soda Water, French brandy,
and liqueurs. This astonishing feat, unparalleled in any other annals of
deglutition than the civic, was crowned by the demolition of an im-
mense pile of mutfins and crumpets, and a proportionate number of
vessels of tea and coffee ; with all of which under their waistcoats they
returned triumphantly to town. Our bold citizens thus, at one sitting,
ate up about 901., or the interest of a charity of 3000Z. sterling, funded
property.
Wonderful, however, as was this achievement, it has been eclipsed
by the exploits of the Court of Chancery ; which possesses a width of
throat and a capacity of stomach which defy all competition. By reason
of these natural advantages, Chancery is enabled to do that at one
gulp which it would take the Aldermen many dinners to accomplish.
In a single suit it has swallowed up from 3001. to 5001. charitable trust
property, as a mere morsel; and its barristers and clerks have bolted,
in fees, the bagatelle or kickshaw of 20?. or 301. at a time, and thought
nothing of it. So that the odds in this eating-match are now in favour
of the Court of Chancery ; for though the Aldermen have eaten large
holes in charities, Chancery has swallowed them entire.
MRS. HARRIS IN LOVE.
" You meaner beauties of the night," &c— Sir Henry Wottoj*.
You meaner Statesmen of each House,
Who poorly satisfy our ears,
More by your number, than your nous :
What are you,—common sort, and peers,—
When once Lord Geoege his throttle clears ?
Ye simple Dukes, that first appear,
By your pure Attic language known,
Who let your farms from year to year,
Who do your pleasure with your own ;
Who '11 list to you, till Stanley's blown ?
Ye various heads of thickest wood,
That warble forth Protection's lays,
Thinking the subject understood
By your weak minds ; where's all your praise,
When Lincoln's Colonel merely brays ?
So, when my Brougham and Vaux is seen,
His looks at once all hearts enthral—
(He'd have the sack, if I were Queen)—
Before this glory of them all,
George,—Stanley,—Sibthorpe, e'en must fall !
PUNCH'S POLITICAL DICTIONARY.
Knight of the Shire. A representative of an English county.
He was formerly entitled to four shillings a-day for his attendance in
Parliament ; but as in these days the infliction of the dull debates
cannot be compensated at any price, the wages have been abolished.
Knights' Eee, was formerly land of sufficient extent to support the
dignity of a knight. In these days, there are many knights who do
not think it beneath their dignity to take a guinea as a fee, when they
practise in a medical character.
Labour. Commonly called the capital of the working man. It is
one peculiarity of this capital, that the more there is got, the less
interest it yields ; for those who have the least amount of labour are
paid the most. But a regular labourer, in the literal meaning of the
word, gets a very poor return for his capital.
Laity. The whole population except the Clergy. Madamb Tussaud,
in her collection of wax-work, has, however, confounded this distinction,
for she has got several distinguished prelates in the form of lay figures.
Law. We shall not attempt to describe what Law is, for we are
afraid it would beggar description, as it beggars many of those who
get involved in it, A law, in the strict sense, is said to be the com-
mand of one intelligent being to another intelligent being ; but this
can hardly be said of a thing that is often utterly unintelligible, not
only to those who are to obey the law, but even to those who have had
a share in making it. Law is sometimes called Positive Law, a great
part of which is often most superlative nonsense. The proper end of
positive law is said to be the promotion of happiness. Every one is,
no doubt, happy to see the end of law ; but when once he goes into
law, it is quite impossible to see the end of it.
Lawyer. An individual who lives upon law, as certain animals
feed upon corrupt substances. There are many highly honourable-
individuals of this class ; but there are some who envelope the whole
under a cloud or petty fog, which is a sort of miasma, or miasmata,—
a word signifying pollution. The producers of this petty fog are called
pettifoggers.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
NEW LOCOMOTIVES.
We intend competing at the next Exhibition of the result of British
Industry, and propose to forward models of two locomotives, each of
which is singularly adapted
to the present fashionable
modes of railway travelling.
The one called the Tor-
toise will be adapted to the
luggage and parliamentary
trains, set apart for the
accommodation of the poorer
class of travellers, whom it
is desirable to ^eep upon
the road as i^any hours as
possible.
The second model, the
Clown, may be used on any
railway ; the eccentric
movements of the locomo-
tive being happily adapted
to that practice of skipping
and leaping which is found
to exist, without the slightest cause, on various railways.
EATING-MATCH EXTRAORDINARY.
A grand eating-match has been for some time going on between the
Courts of Chancery and Aldermen ; the contest being which of the two
Courts shall devour the largest number of charities. Some may object
to this harmless pastime ; but one great object of charity is the feeding
of the hungry ; and who can be more hungry than Aldermen, except
lawyers ?
Betting, at the outset, was two to one upon the Aldermen, whose
long-established reputation for prowess at the table had created a
prestige in their favour ; and one bold speculator was heard to declare
that he would back them to eat up every charity in England in a
twelvemonth.
Their Worships have certainly been doing pretty well. 'Tis not in
Aldermen, or any other mortals, to command success ; but they have
done more, as the poet says, they have deserved it; having assuredly
spared no exertion to justify the reliance which has been placed upon
them by their backers. At one bout, which not long ago came off at
Greenwich, a small but determined band of civic champions disposed
of whitebait, stewed, collared, and spitchcocked eels, Thames flounders,
salmon in some half-a-dozen shapes, mackarel in about as many, carp,
tench, turbot, and lobster-sauce, in all about thirty dishes offish ; the
whole forming a most formidable array of the finny race.
They next got over, or through, a phalanx of strong pieces de resistance,
consisting of shoulders, breasts, and cutlets of lamb, roast and boiled
fowls, ducks, goslings, hams, tongues, sweetbreads, fricandeaux, curries,
and other substantial, to the amount of some forty dishes, not to
mention a numerous force of patties and such light auxiliaries ; after
which they set-to with a relay of tarts, cheese-cakes, Charlotte-Russes,
creams, jellies, and custards ; all of which, with their accompanying
condiments and vegetables, they utterly cut up and despatched. Un-
wearied with these efforts, they manfully returned to the charge, and
did signal execution upon grapes, pine-apples, almonds and raisins, figs,
prunes, oranges, confections, and sweets ; converting, in an incredibly
short time, a dessert into a desert. In the mean time, they completely
absorbed a whole cellar, in iced punch, Champagne, Hock, Sauterne,
Madeira, Port, Sherry, Claret, Seltzer and Soda Water, French brandy,
and liqueurs. This astonishing feat, unparalleled in any other annals of
deglutition than the civic, was crowned by the demolition of an im-
mense pile of mutfins and crumpets, and a proportionate number of
vessels of tea and coffee ; with all of which under their waistcoats they
returned triumphantly to town. Our bold citizens thus, at one sitting,
ate up about 901., or the interest of a charity of 3000Z. sterling, funded
property.
Wonderful, however, as was this achievement, it has been eclipsed
by the exploits of the Court of Chancery ; which possesses a width of
throat and a capacity of stomach which defy all competition. By reason
of these natural advantages, Chancery is enabled to do that at one
gulp which it would take the Aldermen many dinners to accomplish.
In a single suit it has swallowed up from 3001. to 5001. charitable trust
property, as a mere morsel; and its barristers and clerks have bolted,
in fees, the bagatelle or kickshaw of 20?. or 301. at a time, and thought
nothing of it. So that the odds in this eating-match are now in favour
of the Court of Chancery ; for though the Aldermen have eaten large
holes in charities, Chancery has swallowed them entire.
MRS. HARRIS IN LOVE.
" You meaner beauties of the night," &c— Sir Henry Wottoj*.
You meaner Statesmen of each House,
Who poorly satisfy our ears,
More by your number, than your nous :
What are you,—common sort, and peers,—
When once Lord Geoege his throttle clears ?
Ye simple Dukes, that first appear,
By your pure Attic language known,
Who let your farms from year to year,
Who do your pleasure with your own ;
Who '11 list to you, till Stanley's blown ?
Ye various heads of thickest wood,
That warble forth Protection's lays,
Thinking the subject understood
By your weak minds ; where's all your praise,
When Lincoln's Colonel merely brays ?
So, when my Brougham and Vaux is seen,
His looks at once all hearts enthral—
(He'd have the sack, if I were Queen)—
Before this glory of them all,
George,—Stanley,—Sibthorpe, e'en must fall !
PUNCH'S POLITICAL DICTIONARY.
Knight of the Shire. A representative of an English county.
He was formerly entitled to four shillings a-day for his attendance in
Parliament ; but as in these days the infliction of the dull debates
cannot be compensated at any price, the wages have been abolished.
Knights' Eee, was formerly land of sufficient extent to support the
dignity of a knight. In these days, there are many knights who do
not think it beneath their dignity to take a guinea as a fee, when they
practise in a medical character.
Labour. Commonly called the capital of the working man. It is
one peculiarity of this capital, that the more there is got, the less
interest it yields ; for those who have the least amount of labour are
paid the most. But a regular labourer, in the literal meaning of the
word, gets a very poor return for his capital.
Laity. The whole population except the Clergy. Madamb Tussaud,
in her collection of wax-work, has, however, confounded this distinction,
for she has got several distinguished prelates in the form of lay figures.
Law. We shall not attempt to describe what Law is, for we are
afraid it would beggar description, as it beggars many of those who
get involved in it, A law, in the strict sense, is said to be the com-
mand of one intelligent being to another intelligent being ; but this
can hardly be said of a thing that is often utterly unintelligible, not
only to those who are to obey the law, but even to those who have had
a share in making it. Law is sometimes called Positive Law, a great
part of which is often most superlative nonsense. The proper end of
positive law is said to be the promotion of happiness. Every one is,
no doubt, happy to see the end of law ; but when once he goes into
law, it is quite impossible to see the end of it.
Lawyer. An individual who lives upon law, as certain animals
feed upon corrupt substances. There are many highly honourable-
individuals of this class ; but there are some who envelope the whole
under a cloud or petty fog, which is a sort of miasma, or miasmata,—
a word signifying pollution. The producers of this petty fog are called
pettifoggers.