Punch (12.1847)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

131

Scene.—Lohd G. Bentinck. seated at table, preparing for dinner.
Disraeli standing hat in hand.

Lord G. (loq). Well, Ben, have you examined carefully all the
Reports to Parliament for the last fifty years on the Distresses of
Ireland ?

Disraeli. Yes, my Lo-ord !

Lord G. Have you calculated how much the £16,000,000 will be per
head for each man, woman, and child in Ireland, that can work—but
won't—on the Railways, if " we can get it? "

Disraeli. Yes, my Lo-ord !

Lord G. Have you calculated the odds as to the 'probability of its repay-
ment, and when ?

Disraeli. Yes, my Lo-ord !

Lord G. Have you gone through the Debates for the last twenty
years, and ascertained how often Peel spoke on the subject of the
Distress of Ireland, and how often he didn't ?

Disraeli. Yes, my Lo-ord !

Lord G. And what he said and what he didn't ?

Disraeli. Yes, my Lo-ord !

Lr/rd G. Have you made up my book for the Derby ?
Disraeli (in astonishment). My Lo-o-o-ord !

Lord G. Oh no ! I was thinking of something else. Have you
made out my speech for the House ?
Disraeli {with glee). Yes, my Lo-ord !

Lord G. Well, then, you may tell John to have the cab at the door
in a couple of hours, and then you may go home and get your dinner.
Disraeli (retiring sheepishly). Yes, my Lo-ord !

BUYING AND SELLING.

{Being the Journal of Alderman Callipash, during a week's Irish

experience.)

To Mr. Punch.

Sir,—My attention having been called to an assertion by Sir H.
Barron, tiiat " a cry has been raised against the Irish landlords by
the moneyed men of the City of London, in order to depreciate Irish
estates in the market, and then buy them at reduced values," I am
induced to address you on this very painful subject.

Sir, I am a " moneyed man." I have bought an Irish estate,
whether at a lower price than its real value, you will judge by the
subjoined journal of what I do not hesitate to call the most agonising
month of my existence, though I have gone through all corporate
offices (except that of Lord Mayor) and have had disputes with the
Common Council.

When I purchased this estate a month ago (980 acres at an average
of £20 per acre,) I was a hale portly man of 17 stone, with the usual

outward characteristics of my age (52), position (Alderman of the
City of London), and calling (drjSalter). I now weigh 13 stone! I
am pale, nervous, and emaciated. Why I am thus changed, the
subjoined will inform you. Hoping that my melancholy tale may
deter others in my position,

I remain, Sir,

Your constant reader,

John Callipash.

JOURNAL.

Jan. 2nd. Concluded purchase of Balkyragget estate, county of
Tinpt mry.

10iA. Arrived at Ballyragget. Inquired for the "Demesne house."
Found much difficulty in making myself undtrstood.
llth. Have at last got a clue.

12th. I have seen the House, there is no roof, and the park is unre-
claimed bog ; but I am assured by the gauger, whom I met looking
for a still in my front parlour, that the snipe-shooting is excellent.
The kitchen is the only room inhabitable ; and I cannot say that the
bailiff exhibited that willingness to make room for my luggage which
I have a right to expect.

13th. Slept in the kitchen. On wraking in the morning, found a
threatening notice on the door, signed "Captain Starlight" and
wishing to know if I'd brought my coffin with me ?—I am not to be
intimidated.

14th. Assembled tenants, and informed them that I had bought the
estate with the arrears. They are to bring their accounts to-morrow.

loth. I find no rent has been paid for the last five years, but the
greatest willingness is expressed to pay with regularity any rent I
like to "set." The people are most civil and very amusing. They are
much misrepresented. They brought presents of fowls, &c, and
wished " long life to my honour," with great fervour.

16^. My Scotch bailiff arrived with his models and apparatus.

17th. My bailiff has given me warning. He has received twenty-
four threatening notices, and his implements have been burnt. There
is an incendiary somewhere.

18th. Lectured tenants, and found an admirable feeling among them.
I wish I could get something to eat besides the dried meats, &c, which
I brought with me. I don't shoot, and there seems to be little except
wild game.

19th. Set destitute peasants to work in house and park, at task-work.

20th. Tenants have struck -work, and wish to be paid by the day.
Tried to explain to them the laws of capital and wages. Found the
attempt hopeless.

21st. Rector called to remonstrate with me for subscribing to chapeL
22nd. Parish priest called to remonstrate with me for inviting
rector to dinner.

23rd. Received letter from rector, denouncing me as a latitudinarian
and a Jesuit. I wrote answer to say I was attached to our glorious
Constitution in Church and State.

2Alh. Received letter ftvm parish priest, denouncing me as an
Orangeman and a persecutor. Wrote answer to say that all I wished
was greatest happiness of greatest number.

25th. I can't go out without finding a threatening notice on the hall-
door, and have had my shutters lined with sheet-iron. I don't get any
sleep at nights, and I am losing my appetite. As I can't get anything
to eat, to signify, this is, perhaps, a merciful dispensation.

26th. The O'Dowo called with an invitation to dinner, and a request
for my vote and interest for his cousin, a repeal candidate for the
county. Refused both.

27th. Received a challenge from the O'Dowd. What am I to do ?

28th. Have made an apology to the O'Doavd, and must dine with
him to-morrow.

29th. I have just reached home, after suffering much from whisky-
punch, which I was forced to drink. I can't stand it.

30th. Advertised the Ballyragget estates at a sacrifice, " the owner
going abroad."

Feb. 2nd. Got away in disguise. Passed several ill-looking men
behind the stone walls, armed with fire-arms, evidently lying in wait
for me. What have I done ?

6th. Embraced Mrs. C. in my villa at Hoxton. Mrs. C. in hysterics.
I grateful, but much shattered in mind and body. Dr. Bleach thinks
I shall get over it; I hope I may.

P.S. Sir, if you know a customer, Ballyragget is to be disposed of
very cheap indeed. Respectfully yours,

J. C.

Tbe Fast Bay.

We have been given to understand that among the consequences of
the Fast day, was the accderation of the maturity of Bills of
Exchange, •which were to a certain extent made fast in their progress
by becoming payable one day earlier than otherwise. We have heard
of persons and things being knocked into next week, but it is only
bills and promissory notes that are liable to be knocked into yesterday.