Punch (12.1847)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 205

Sir E. and Lady Thomason, and the youngest daughter of Sir
John and Lady Pinhorn ?

w What, sir, I ask, are we to conclude from these astonishing state-
ments ? If true, they strike at the roots of every genealogical tree in
the kingdom ; if incorrect, they are likely wofuily to mislead many a
family of that aristocracy which I educate, and of which I am proud
to write myself a member.

" I hare the honour to be, Sir,

"Brian Tuggles Tuggles.
" To tU Editor of the Patbician, London:'

" OUR LONDON CORRESPONDENT."

onoured Punch,

" The Ural Mountains and Siberia
are—I have it upon the best authority
—occasioning very great anxiety at this
moment to several European Courts.
The Emperor Nicholas, who has his
own luck and the proverbial good for-
tune of another individual, is the pro-
prietor of these Ural and Siberian
regions, and is thereby placed in pos-
session of ready cash sufficient to pay
money down for the rest of the habitable
globe. The Ural rivers run with gold ;
and gold as big as a Cossack's head is
dug up in lumps, plentiful as potatoes,

Fby the Polish patriots doomed to Siberia.
This circumstance, as you may suppose,
has given Lord Palmerston great un-
easiness, and—I have it from a distin-
guished door-keeper—a Cabinet Council
was held upon the subject yesterday at Buckingham Palace. The
Council sat so long that Her Majesty insisted upon sending in a
bottle of sherry and some Westphalia sandwiches to her exhausted
Ministers. This little trait on the part of the Queen is—it must be
confessed—worthy of the best times of English hospitality.

"It appears—(you will be the first to publish the secret)—that
Nicholas, wishing to make a profitable investment of some of his sur-
plus gold, has sent in a tender, offering to purchase the whole of Ireland
of the mercenary Saxon. I have heard the precise sum named ; but it
would be premature to mention it. When, however, I inform you that
a celebrated architect has been ordered to inspect the Bank cellars
with a view to their enlargement, some idea may be entertained of the
amount of bullion to be paid down.

"Lord Palmebston—this I know—will not consent to the sale of
Ireland, and, it is thought, will quit the Cabinet upon the question ;
for Lords Russell and Grey insist upon the measure, as the means of
putting England into ready money. Between ourselves, a receipt
stamp, to legalise the transaction, is now in preparation at Somerset
House.

" Who could have thought that ' the first flower of the earth, and
first gem of the sea' would have ever been worn at once in the button-
hole and crown of the Emperor op Russia ? This will be a great
triumph to the Young Ireland party, relieved as they will be from the
oppressive, inhuman, atrocious, bloodthirsty (forgive my feelings, but I
write as a juvenile Irishman), avaricious, contemptible, disgusting yoke
of the infamous Saxon 1 The Russian dove will bring the olive to the
shores of Erin, and the amiable Cossack water his steed on the brink
of the Liffy !

" The Emperor Nicholas has also made a very handsome offer to
Louis-Philippe to purchase France; but His Majesty holds out for
higher terms. Portugal, and subsequently Spain, will in due time pass
to the Emperor as very cheap penn'orths. Your readers will doubt-
less be surprised at this intelligence ; but all I can say is, if any iota
of it is incorrect, blame me"

"Jenny Lind has made a great sensation. She can run to Q,
descending to X flat. The Queen was present on Jenny's appear-
ance ; and after the first act, sent round to her a splendid night-
ingale, hatched at Storr and Mortimer's—the body of chased dead
gold, with diamond eyes, ruby bill, and emerald claws. Jenny appeared
in the second act with the trinket in her hair, and curtseyed very
significantly to the royal box."

" There is at present a great rage for amateur theatricals. A play
is to be got up in the course of the month at Exeter Hall, for the
purpose of obtaining funds to whitewash St. Paul's. It is a gratifying
fact, that the existence of the cause has brought together, in perfect
harmony, gentlemen of opposite principles. I am fortunately enabled

to transmit you the names of a few of the actors. For instance, tnere
are Sir R. H. Inglis, Mr, Bright, Sir Robert Peel, Mr. Disbaell,
Sir Andrew Agnew, and the Poet Bunn. Colonel Sibthorpe refuses
to act, but has consented to sing Hot Codlins between the play and the
farce. I have not yet heard the names of the pieces, inasmuch as they
are not yet fixed."

" Your London Correspondent."

The National Shipbreakers.

We think the Admiralty, instead of giving their ships frightful
classical names, which the sailors can never pronounce, and which
mean nothing, might christen them in such an intelligible manner that
their future destination and glorious career would be understood at
once. For instance, they might call them " The Piecrust," " The Female
Promise," or the "Lover's Vow," or "The Child's Plaything" and so on,
after articles which are generally supposed to be made only to be
broken up.

A DRAWN BARGAIN.

The fashion of tailors, pill-makers, quacks, and tradesmen, having
their portraits painted for the Academy, in the hopes of the adver-
tisement doing them a deal of good, has led to the practice of artists
having two prices •,—one in case the picture is accepted, and a much
lower one in case it is refused. This has been the cause, however, of
a curious dispute.— Mr. Jack Boots, a wealthy bootmaker, called
upon his artist, in Brook Street, the other day, to pay for the beautiful
full length there is of him in this^ year's
Exhibition.

" But, Mr. Boots," said the astonished
AR.A, " you have made a mistake ;
you have only given me £40. You must
recollect we agreed, if your portrait was
accepted, you were to pay me .£100."

" Perfectly true," replied the original,
who was as oily as his portrait ; " but
I do not consider my portrait is in the
Exhibition at alL"

" What do you mean, sir ?" exclaimed
the indignant artist. "Why here it
is I " and he pointed to the very line in
the Catalogue.

" Yes, I see, that's the Octagon
Room, and for that reason I maintain
my portrait has been refused ; for I
looked all over the place, but couldn't
see it anywhere."

Nothing could induce Mr. Jack Boots
to add another penny to the £40 ; and
as the case has been put into the hands
of Mb. Briefless, the question will
soon be tried — whether the Octagon
Room, in the light of an advertisement,
is to be considered part of the Exhibi-

.• A READING LAMP FOB

I10n" OCTAGON KOOM.

The Disturber of the Peace of England and Ireland.

Young Ireland has been creating a disturbance for months past,
frightening quiet people, and alarming the entire kingdom. It is
time now, we think, that he should be taken up, gently reprimanded,
and bound over to keep the peace for a twelvemonth ; but the only-
question is, who would be his sureties ? The best thing, perhaps the
most friendly act to Young Ireland, and the quickest method to
restore the riotous young gentleman to reason, would be to put him
under confinement for a short period, for we really cannot believe that
the young fellow is in his right senses, or he would never have
behaved in the mad manner he has been doing lately. It would not
be a bad move for the Government to take out a writ de Iwnatico
inquirendo against Young Ireland. There is more than sufficient evi-
dence to prove how incapable he is to manage his affairs. If the
commission is granted, we ask as a particular favour to be the counsel
engaged on that occasion. What a case we would make out for the Jury 1

THE HORNS OF A DILEMMA.

We cannot see why the same people who uphold Smithfield as " one
of our Constitutional ' Bull-walks,'" should be the opposers of the
Sanitary Regulations. Why should they object to the town being
" washed," if they approve of the inhabitants being " mangled ? "

Vol. 12.

7—2