Punch (12.1847)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

CHAPTER VIII.

" You don't deserve that anybody should care a hit for you," said

CAPSICUM HOUSE_FOR YOUNG LADIES. Carraway?, observing that Miss Palmer had wandered into another

j walk. The teacher, however, was not made the le«s earnest in her
task by the neglect of her pupil ; certainly not. For, moved by the
passion of her assumed part, she sidled, wife-like, nearer to Blossoms,
and, looking in his eyes, and holding out her hand, she repeated
the injured wife.—a new arrival. I the opinion, that he was undeservmg of the bve of any mortal

O T*PH 111 T^f1

"There's a young lady's footstep," we cried ; _, * ,
and Blossoms received the intelligence as though! BLossoMS-not to be behind-hand as a husband—took the

prepared for it i Proflered pahn, squeezed it, and with the quicknes* of a serpent, as

"No dmbt'it's my rib—that is, the young ! Carrawats afterwards declared, wound his arm about her waist,
lady that sat up last night - coming, with ^ f harmonious moment, the voice of Fluke like a bird's rang
Carraways," said Blossoms. "It's about ! through the garden.

dinner. Get behind that holly-bush, and you'11 1 " Palmer, dear—Palmer "—cried Miss Fluke, and she came
see how Miss Griffin — she's a wonderful bounding, floating down the path.

woman — teaches her gals everything. This "Here, bve," answered Miss Palmer, turning a tall white rose-
young lady, you '11 find, is learning the Injured 1 busn 5 anci> t0 our fancy, looking as though, dryad-like, she was a
"Wife." j Pai-t of it. "Here, dearest."

We followed the direction of Blossoms, and " Oh, come away from this nonsense," said Fluke, running up to

saw Miss Palmer — meek, blue-eyed Palmer her.

— accompanied by her guardian, Carraways,
slowly move down the walk. Yes ; behind
the holly-boughs — like hopeless love — we
gazed at beauty through a maze of thorns. Palmer—though
significantly encouraged by the elbow of Carrawats—could not
carry her injuries with dignity. Her face was as fair, bright, and
open, as though she had gone to early sleep with the lilies of last night ;
and had not, until three in the morning, now winked at the Wives
of England and now snuffed the drowsy candles. Surely, we thought,

Nonsense !" cried Carrawats ; " are you aware, Miss Fluke, that
Miss Palmer is pursuing her studies ?"

" Studies ! I say, all nonsense. Miss Griffin might as well teach
people how to sleep. Do you suppose when I'm married, I shan't
know how to scold my husband ? Teach ducks to swim. I warrant
me ! You only find the husband, and I '11 find the injuries."

" I shall report your conduct to Miss Griffin," said Carrawats.
and with rigid eyelids she walked to the house, Mr. Blossoms, a
little sheepishly as we thought, taking another way.

no temper—small, domestic thunder-cloud—will ever threaten in those ■ "Miss Griffin!" exclaimed Fluke. "Why, you see this little

soft blue eyes ; no words, like swarm of angry bees, will ever issue
from that honeyed mouth. It is quite impossible, we thought, that the
wedding-ring can score one sharp or angry line about those lips,
now so frankly, sweetly ripe ! And then we remembered that we
looked at youth and beauty on the other side tf the holly-bush—and
we thought of the piercing, cruel thorns that might oppose them in the
wi rldly way.

Miss Palmer, timidiy as a dove, approached Blossoms, and tried
to frown. Beautiful are such trials, that is, most beautiful in their
failure. Success, as sometimes in other matters, spoils alL And
therefore let wives—if they will be prettily wayward—let them, by all
means, try to frown ; but—oh, ye household gods, that pinch dimples
in unwrinkled cheeks—never let them succeed. At such a time, defeat
gives to them the sweetest grace.

Miss Palmer tried to sptak upbraidingly ; but her lips broke into
a set of smiles, and her full white throat seemed as though swallowing
her laughter. " That will never do, Miss," said Carrawats, in a low
voice. "If you don't frown, and speak your mind, you'll always be
nut upon. Look at me.

thumb, Palmer ?" And the young lady exhibited one of the smallest
and prettiest samples of thumbs we ever beheld. "Well, Miss Griffin,
as tall as she is, is right under it."

" You never say so ! " cried the simple Palmer. " Why, what do
you know ?"

" I know that when people suffer people—'specially when people
are of a certain age—to go down upon one knee to 'em, why, then
people ought first to stop up the key-hole."

" Why, you never mean "—and Miss Palmer, in excess of wonder,
could say no more.

" Don't I mean ? But I do though. And when, too, people leave
letters for people in the strawberry beds ! Bless your heart, I know
everything. That Miss Griffin is as much my slave—only I would'nt
hurt her, poor soul—as much as if she was any blackamoor. Why,
that Mr. Corks i3 a play-actor."

" You never say so !" cried Miss Palmer, really alarmed.
"A positive play-actor, my dear. He played the Ghost in Hamlet
when Miss Griffin fell in love with him."

In love! Miss Griffin! Ob, Fluke," cried Palmer; "jou

Hereupon, Carrawats—rehearsing the Injured Wife — threw , scandalising little creature.'
back her head, and swept up to Blossoms. In a moment, there was j '" Fell into love—or rather, walked into love ; for people don't fall

a storm in every corner of her face ; black and all black. Her lips
were bent, and, to our thought, barbed like fish-hooks. Carrawats
was a spinster ; but it was clear she had great imaginative powers ;
for it was impossible to look connubial injury more to connubial life.
Blossoms—not sufficiently hardened in the iniquities of a husband—
acknowledged the fine ideality of the passion ; for he dropt his head,
and shook like a tame rabbit, eyed by a snake.

"And I suppose," said Carrawats, rehearsing with energy, "I
suppose, Mr. Blossoms, you call yourself a man ? "

Why—yes ;—that ia if I may be so bold,"—and then he took

into it at her time of life. Well, she admired him for his deep voice
and lull figure. For a whole week she was going about the house,
thinking of him. One day—you were at home then—one day, at the
Pie-crust Class, not thinking of any of us, she held up the rolling-pin,
and said in a solemn way to herself, 'Kemember me !' All the girls
stared ; but I shouted out, ' Alas, poor Ghost !' Well, she coloured
up so, I wonder she didn't set her cap afire."

"You, do surprise me," cried the mild Palmer. "But are you
sure, love ? "

Sure ! I've got the play-bill in my box ; and unless Griffin

breath, and courageously added—"my dear." [ behaves herself, some of these days won't I flourish it

" Don't dear me, Mr. Blossoms ; you know I hate it." Never-I " Girls, girls," cried a bouncing brunette—Sopht Candttuft, aged
theless, a little bit of red and white dawned in Carrawat's face ; and eighteen—as she ran down the garden, followed by two or three
her eye broke with a mild forgiving light upon the fictitious husband, t giggling wenches — "Girls, what do you think ? There's a letter
" Pray, Mr. Blossoms, if 1 may be allowed to ask the question, do j come from Miss Ruffler, that went to India, as governess fays upon
you dine at home to-day ? " the Marriage Service."

" Yes, darling "—and Carrawats affected to shiver at the endear- ! " Well, is she married ? " asked Miss Palmer.

" Married, to be sure she is married," said Candytuft, "absent
us a turtle."

"Real, or meek !" exclaimed Floke, jumping and clapping her
think of a little mutton broth ? " j hands.

" Mutton broth," said Carraways, evidently relenting, " I'm sure " You foolish creature," replied Candytuft, "a live turtle. And
it's a shame to put innocent sheep to any such use. Mutton broth ! " ! moreover, there's such a handsome young officer, with his edges

"Well you do make it so nice, my dear," said Blossoms, "you trimmed with gold, that's brought it."
fairly drive me to it. 'Tisn't the drink at night a3 I care for, but j "La!" cried Fluke, " a handsome officer ! What have they done
the mutton broth next day. I never drink it, my darling, that I with him ? Not tied him up, I hope."

don't feel virtuous for a week ; perhaps more." | "He's now in the parlour," cried Miss Candytuft, and Fluke and

ment—" in course. Never so happy, you know, as when at home—
never. So my love,"—Carraways remained very calm—" my dear,
1 don't know what it is that's put it into my head, but—what do you