DOI issue:
January to June, 1848
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16546#0158
150
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF MR. BRIEFLESS.
CHAPTER THE NINTH.
mr. briefless tries to suit himself with a clerk.
Haying now taken chambers all to myself, I was not, only monarch of all I surveyed, but
monarch of all that had been surveyed for me, by a regular surveyor, in the. shape of fixtures
taken at a valuation, and consisting of a book-case and a brown-tiolland blind. As I gazed at
the great shelving precipices formed by The book-shelves, my imagination turned them into
the steps in the great ladder of professional eminence, and my fancy amused itself like a young
kitten, by leaping from one shelf to the other, as if they had been steps in my future career,
and now and then holding on, like a matured cat, To those posts into which every one is strug-
gling to stick his claws. Now and then, the image of feline buoyancy and tenacity would take
me To the summit of the book-case—a position not to be obtained without a good deal of
scratching and tearing—when on a sudden The ideal talons would be unable to make good
their position, and down would come my mental grimalkin with a smash that threatened to
sacrifice one or two at least of its nine lives. These reflections were interrupted by the arrival
of the artist appoinTed to carry out the beautiful conception of Suakspeark, by giving to
my "local habitation" the addition of " a name."
The poet of all time knew thoroughly well that a business domicile without a door-plate
was likely To lead to results as unsubstantial as the " baseless fabric of a vision," whose tenant
too often "leaves not a rap behind," excepting perhaps those useless posthumous raps—if I
may be allowed the expression—which his creditors bring to the door after the abandonment
of the premises. I may perhaps be told that this is digression; but is not almost, everything of
interest and importance a digression after all ? The French Revolutions—all three of them—
have been digressions from the ordinary course; Sir Robert Peel's most valuable pieces of | ats.^ssfs~^ mean clients—and some twenty or
statesmanship have been digressions from his customary career, and it is habitually said of
anything poor and contemptible, "Oh ! it. is nothing out of the way." When, therefore, my
genius seems disposed to take a short cut, I am often inclined to encourage it to a more
rambling and desultory movement, which has occasionally led it into a number of odd turnings,
and not unfrequently inio a cut de sac; but some of these byways have proved the most
interesting, as well as the most profitable part of my intellectual pilgrimage
(jaminene did not attempt to depose the chief
porter, cause the evacuation of the pump on to
the heads of the ticketed classes, insist on the
dismissal of all the clerks throughout the Temple,
go to the Treasurer's office for half-a-crown a day
for doing nothing, and perform the rest of the
fashionable feats that liberty, equality, and fra-
ternity, appear, according to the Parisian version
of them, to require.
It would be uninteresting to df-scribe my nu-
merous interviews with the miscellaneous candi-
dates for the single, and not very profitable
clerkship 1 had to bestow. Some of them to
whom 1 proposed the " half-crowns " by way of
salary, and who knew something of the probable
proceeds of this mode of remuneration, asked me
bitterly whether I wanted " to starve a cove?"'
whereupon, not wishing to have that ponderous
burden, a " starved cove," upon my conscience, I
closed with an urchin not yet in his teens—
except his trowsers, which were velveteens—for
four shillings a week, and the usual clerical per-
quisites.
I was surprised to find, by the offers of the
pplicants, the very miscellaneous uses to which,
a barrister's clerk could be applied. Some had
been accustomed to look after horses, as well
thirty had no objection to undertaking the care of
a cat. The great majority were willing to clean
my boots—in this I should have met them half-
way, for I wore highlows—and two or three had
a little carpet-beating and new-laid egg connec-
Tion, which they hoped their arrangements with
I must, however, check for the present this rambling propensity; for I find mvself suddenly w?uld not r,en,d,er i4 necessary to disturb,
surrounded and beset by a parcel of boys of every age and of every style of British costume, I ^nf. tr(£e a cab ll"[ee ,da>'8 a ^e,ek, ™\ ™3
who have been collected by an advertisement I caused to be inserted in the paper for a clerk. I ™«5 h S"'\ m<! -?i °f ?lerkshl?
They were told to apply between one and two, but they were between forty and fifty at least, [ °n ^ alIZTL^Z^ ^ T^L^
giving life and juvemlit'v to the whole staircase bv the playful gambols in which they indulged. to wear ?,orduroy breeches at chambers ; and
one juvenile who had been accustomed to deal in
congreve matches, thought that his connection
with the brimstone trade, and his dealings with
Leap-frog was rampant in the passages; while marbles and peg-top made up with conversation "ne Juvenue ?™ naa, oeen accustomed to deal.in
the occupation of the pavement at tTie bottom of the stairs. The candidates for mv clerkship JSPST* ,niatdfies' tho¥ht t^.h» connection
^ f . • e with thp hrim^trinp TrnHp nrH hie iHoalinrrc m+h
had given to the Court in which my chambers were si'uated, the aspect ot a fair, and the whole
of tie legal porterage were in arms—wearing their canes and their tickets—to stand by their
own order, and preserve the order of the Temple. An attempt was made at one time to get
them to fraternise ; but with that loyal and constitutional feeling which has established a sort
of miniature bulwark immediately under the pewter badge worn on every breast, they to a man
refused to surrender their allegiance. Happily there was no occasion for a collision. The
Lucifer, would be considered to have qualified
him for introduction to the law.
Having selected my future clerk, and dis-
missed the disappointed crowd with a few
sentences of judicious clap-trap, in which I told
them that under our glorious Constitution every
one of them might sit upon the woolsack if he
could only get there, and asked them if they
ever knew a labourer mount a ladder, except by
beginning at the lowest round; they gave me
three rounds of cheering, and left me, like the
Vauxhall Hermit, alone—alone—alone!
" The Voice of Woman."
La Voix des Femmes is one of the hundred
new journals published in Paris since the Revo-
lution. It is popular, the Voice of Woman being,
of course, heard all over the capital. We see in
it that one of the rules of the Ladies' Club—the
ladies who conduct the paper—is, " That no lady
shall speak longer than a quarter of an hour."
There are some elderly women in the House of
Commons who might follow this excellent ex-
ample. A quarter of an hour only ! Was there
ever such self-denial ?
The Eest Prosecution for the Irish
Agitators.
The best prosecution after all for the Hibernian
Catilines, would be an unanimous resolution of
the Press not to notice them. When they found
that not a word of_ their sedition was reported,
they would very quickly hold their tongues. The
most cruel punishment for an Agitator is silent
contempt. It is more effectual than all the fines
and imprisonments, and saves a wonderful deal of
dangerous martyrdom.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF MR. BRIEFLESS.
CHAPTER THE NINTH.
mr. briefless tries to suit himself with a clerk.
Haying now taken chambers all to myself, I was not, only monarch of all I surveyed, but
monarch of all that had been surveyed for me, by a regular surveyor, in the. shape of fixtures
taken at a valuation, and consisting of a book-case and a brown-tiolland blind. As I gazed at
the great shelving precipices formed by The book-shelves, my imagination turned them into
the steps in the great ladder of professional eminence, and my fancy amused itself like a young
kitten, by leaping from one shelf to the other, as if they had been steps in my future career,
and now and then holding on, like a matured cat, To those posts into which every one is strug-
gling to stick his claws. Now and then, the image of feline buoyancy and tenacity would take
me To the summit of the book-case—a position not to be obtained without a good deal of
scratching and tearing—when on a sudden The ideal talons would be unable to make good
their position, and down would come my mental grimalkin with a smash that threatened to
sacrifice one or two at least of its nine lives. These reflections were interrupted by the arrival
of the artist appoinTed to carry out the beautiful conception of Suakspeark, by giving to
my "local habitation" the addition of " a name."
The poet of all time knew thoroughly well that a business domicile without a door-plate
was likely To lead to results as unsubstantial as the " baseless fabric of a vision," whose tenant
too often "leaves not a rap behind," excepting perhaps those useless posthumous raps—if I
may be allowed the expression—which his creditors bring to the door after the abandonment
of the premises. I may perhaps be told that this is digression; but is not almost, everything of
interest and importance a digression after all ? The French Revolutions—all three of them—
have been digressions from the ordinary course; Sir Robert Peel's most valuable pieces of | ats.^ssfs~^ mean clients—and some twenty or
statesmanship have been digressions from his customary career, and it is habitually said of
anything poor and contemptible, "Oh ! it. is nothing out of the way." When, therefore, my
genius seems disposed to take a short cut, I am often inclined to encourage it to a more
rambling and desultory movement, which has occasionally led it into a number of odd turnings,
and not unfrequently inio a cut de sac; but some of these byways have proved the most
interesting, as well as the most profitable part of my intellectual pilgrimage
(jaminene did not attempt to depose the chief
porter, cause the evacuation of the pump on to
the heads of the ticketed classes, insist on the
dismissal of all the clerks throughout the Temple,
go to the Treasurer's office for half-a-crown a day
for doing nothing, and perform the rest of the
fashionable feats that liberty, equality, and fra-
ternity, appear, according to the Parisian version
of them, to require.
It would be uninteresting to df-scribe my nu-
merous interviews with the miscellaneous candi-
dates for the single, and not very profitable
clerkship 1 had to bestow. Some of them to
whom 1 proposed the " half-crowns " by way of
salary, and who knew something of the probable
proceeds of this mode of remuneration, asked me
bitterly whether I wanted " to starve a cove?"'
whereupon, not wishing to have that ponderous
burden, a " starved cove," upon my conscience, I
closed with an urchin not yet in his teens—
except his trowsers, which were velveteens—for
four shillings a week, and the usual clerical per-
quisites.
I was surprised to find, by the offers of the
pplicants, the very miscellaneous uses to which,
a barrister's clerk could be applied. Some had
been accustomed to look after horses, as well
thirty had no objection to undertaking the care of
a cat. The great majority were willing to clean
my boots—in this I should have met them half-
way, for I wore highlows—and two or three had
a little carpet-beating and new-laid egg connec-
Tion, which they hoped their arrangements with
I must, however, check for the present this rambling propensity; for I find mvself suddenly w?uld not r,en,d,er i4 necessary to disturb,
surrounded and beset by a parcel of boys of every age and of every style of British costume, I ^nf. tr(£e a cab ll"[ee ,da>'8 a ^e,ek, ™\ ™3
who have been collected by an advertisement I caused to be inserted in the paper for a clerk. I ™«5 h S"'\ m<! -?i °f ?lerkshl?
They were told to apply between one and two, but they were between forty and fifty at least, [ °n ^ alIZTL^Z^ ^ T^L^
giving life and juvemlit'v to the whole staircase bv the playful gambols in which they indulged. to wear ?,orduroy breeches at chambers ; and
one juvenile who had been accustomed to deal in
congreve matches, thought that his connection
with the brimstone trade, and his dealings with
Leap-frog was rampant in the passages; while marbles and peg-top made up with conversation "ne Juvenue ?™ naa, oeen accustomed to deal.in
the occupation of the pavement at tTie bottom of the stairs. The candidates for mv clerkship JSPST* ,niatdfies' tho¥ht t^.h» connection
^ f . • e with thp hrim^trinp TrnHp nrH hie iHoalinrrc m+h
had given to the Court in which my chambers were si'uated, the aspect ot a fair, and the whole
of tie legal porterage were in arms—wearing their canes and their tickets—to stand by their
own order, and preserve the order of the Temple. An attempt was made at one time to get
them to fraternise ; but with that loyal and constitutional feeling which has established a sort
of miniature bulwark immediately under the pewter badge worn on every breast, they to a man
refused to surrender their allegiance. Happily there was no occasion for a collision. The
Lucifer, would be considered to have qualified
him for introduction to the law.
Having selected my future clerk, and dis-
missed the disappointed crowd with a few
sentences of judicious clap-trap, in which I told
them that under our glorious Constitution every
one of them might sit upon the woolsack if he
could only get there, and asked them if they
ever knew a labourer mount a ladder, except by
beginning at the lowest round; they gave me
three rounds of cheering, and left me, like the
Vauxhall Hermit, alone—alone—alone!
" The Voice of Woman."
La Voix des Femmes is one of the hundred
new journals published in Paris since the Revo-
lution. It is popular, the Voice of Woman being,
of course, heard all over the capital. We see in
it that one of the rules of the Ladies' Club—the
ladies who conduct the paper—is, " That no lady
shall speak longer than a quarter of an hour."
There are some elderly women in the House of
Commons who might follow this excellent ex-
ample. A quarter of an hour only ! Was there
ever such self-denial ?
The Eest Prosecution for the Irish
Agitators.
The best prosecution after all for the Hibernian
Catilines, would be an unanimous resolution of
the Press not to notice them. When they found
that not a word of_ their sedition was reported,
they would very quickly hold their tongues. The
most cruel punishment for an Agitator is silent
contempt. It is more effectual than all the fines
and imprisonments, and saves a wonderful deal of
dangerous martyrdom.