DOI issue:
January to June, 1848
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16546#0195
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 187
THE MODEL WIFE.
She never comes down to breakfast in curl-papers. She does not
grumble if her husband brings a friend home to dinner, even if " there
is nothing in the house." She does not remonstrate if her husband
puts his feet on the sfeel fender, or cry if he does not wipe his boots
cn the door-mat. She subscribes to no circulating library, and if she
Teads a novel, she falls asleep over it. She is proficient in pie?, and has
i a deep knowledge of puddings. She never talks poli'ics; or "wish
. that slie were dead," or "a man;" or slam the doors, or shut herself
up in her bedroom on the plea of a " nervous headache." She is very
slow in te-irs, and a stout heretic as to hysterics. She allows a dog
to be kept in the house. She goes to church, but not to criticise the
bonnets. She is not above descending into the kitchen to get " some-
thing warm " for supper. She allows a fire in the bedroom on a wintry
night. She has a quick eye for dust, but does not martyr her husband
with continual complaints about the servants, nor worry herself to
death for a man in livery, or a page in buttons. She can walk, and
without thin shoes, or a Jeames to follow her. She prefers table-
beer to wine, and does not faint at the idea of grog, or in fact, faint
at all. She never sees that it is necessary to go out of town " for the
dear children's health." It is true she follows the fashions; but then
it is at several years' distance. She has the smallest possible affection
for jewellery, and makes the sweet children's frocks out, of her old
dresses. She is never " delicate," and would scorn to send for the
doctor because she is "a little low." She never tells her husband
when any of her friends have got a new bonnet, or exclaims with en-
thusiasm that she saw "such a lovely cachemere in the City yesterday,"
•and t hen rhapsodise on the smaUness of the price. She never opens her
husband's letters, and preserves her wedding-gown with a girlish reve-
rence. She is not miserable if she stays in town on the Ascot Day,
nor do penance in the back parlour if she does not go out of town when
the season is over. She mends stockings, and makes unexceptionable
preserves and pickles. She does not refuse to go out with her husband
because she hasn't a good gown. She asks for money sparingly, and
would sooner "eat her head off" than make anything out of-ihe
housekeeping. She always dresses for dinner. She never hides the
latch-key. She rarely flirts, and it makes her too giddy to waltz, even
with an officer.
The Model Wife always sits up for her husband, to the most unmatri-
■nconial hours; and still she does not look black, or say "He's killing
• J ,Y10ugh.he should bring daylight in with him, or even come home
with the milk." She hangs over the little bit of fire, watching the
mantelpiece clock, alarmed by every sound, jumping up at every cab,
shivering and sleepy, her only companions during the long night the
mice m the cupboard, or a stray blackbeetle, and her only occupation the
restless tear lest her husband should not come home safe. She cries
sometimes but never before him ; and, above all-hear it, all ye Wives
01 England—she does not Caudle Lecture him when she gets him
inside the curtains and knows there is no escape for him !
TO THE UNEMPLOYED.
e have read, with the combined attention of the philoso-
pher and the patriot, a, little book that, gay as a
summer bufterflv, has just fluttered from the press.
The book is called Sketches of Her Majesty's House-
hold; and, among other intoxicating intelligence, the
work professes to be A Guide to Situations in the
Queen's Domestic Establishment! A very solemn
little tome, it must be confessed, is this. Common
paper, and mere printer's blackness, are indeed too
vulgar for i's sublime purpose. Its leaves ought to
he of the vellum of the sheep that grew the golden
fleece; and conserve of the hearts of Maids-of-Honour
should be its ruddy ink. However, it is not so;
the book is, notwithstanding, a nice little book that,
lelped by the imagination of true loyalty, will gleam a libro d'oro.
With so many worthy men and women out of employment, Punch is
desirous to show to those who want places, how many excellent situa
uons are to be had in the Royal Household ; situations with this double
recommenda'ion, namely, a high salary and nothing to do. We are not
Hware of any kind of post that can offer to man or woman a more
eligible investment of temporary attention.
In the first place, there is the post of Lord Chamberlain. His duty
is, we believe, to carry a stick in his fingers ; to wear a latch-key of the
■or of t he back-stairs at his button-hole ; and always, on state occasions,
i walk backwards. The salary for doing this is—£2000 per annum,
a 1805, the place—held by the Earl of Dartmouth—was only £1200
year ; but, ihe Aristocracy having struck for an advance, the wages are
iow £2000 The duties of the post being made easy to the commonest
understanding, no man's modesty need stand in the way of his preferment..
The Vice-Chamberlain is engaged as a sort of double; taking the
Chamberlain's post when absent on his own business. This post (salary
£921 per annum) is well adapted for any good-looking young gentleman
of leisurely habits. No talent of any sort required. He must, however,
kno v his right hand from his left, and keep his thumb from his mouth.
The Lords-in-Waiting have £702 each per annum, with the run of the
Royal box at the opera and playhouse. They do nothing; and are often
much puzzled to get through their work.
The Master of the Ceremonies, in addition to the Chamberlains, has
£300; and would be a very nice addition to the income of any young
man of good deportment.
Gentlemen-Ushers, Grooms, Serjeants, Table-deckers, Kings-at-Arms,
Heralds, are all well worthy of the unemployed ; whose leisure would
in no way be interfered with by an appointment to either post.
To a retired sportsman the Master of t he Buckhounds would be a very
eligible situation; inasmuch as he is not required to hunt above four or
five weeks in the season; for which he is paid £1700 per annum;
besides being free of all turnpikes. The Master has a very handsome
turn-out; the expense of the establishment averaging between £6000
and £7000 a year, and triumphantly showing how much of the people's
money goes to the dogs.
The Hereditary Grand Falconer. This is a very eligible situafion for
any person of genteel exterior. The salary is £1200 a year. Not a
single hawk is kept; but the Falconer is expected, on certain state-days,
to give toast to the parrots !
The Keeper of the Queen's Privy Purse is a very nice post, indeed,
for any respectable young man; good security is of course required.
The salary is £2000 per annum. This is as it ought to be. Honesty,
like all other good things, is not to be bought except at, a high price.
Hence, the Keeper of the Purse is removed from all temptation, by
having £2000 a-year for only taking care of it.
The Governor and Constable of Windsor Castle would be a capital
appointment for a steady man ; only it is at present in the possession of
Prince Albert. Vulgar people might imagine that his Royal
Highness would have no objection to swear himself in as a continual
special constable to take care of his own house gratis; his Royal
Highness, however, knows the worth of fidelity ; and hence (in addition
to his £30,000) receives £1120 per annum with the constable's staff of
Windsor Castle!
The Ranger of Windsor Home Park would be a pleasant post for
any man with no objection to the country. Prince Albert, however,
being particularly fond of the Home Park, takes £500 a-year for
warning people " off the grass."
We shall not number the many situations conducing to the real
strength and glory of the Crown, to be found in this inestimable volume.
Punch recommends it to the earnest study of the true and loyal. The
writer attempts to show (very unsuccessfully, as Punch thinks) that
easily enough a sum of £29,104 might be saved to the country without
"interfering, in the most trifling manner, with either the domestic
comforts and conveniences, or the necessary state ceremonies, of the
sovereign of this country." Punch thinks the suggestion very disloyal.
The true strength of the British Constitution is in the money it costs
us. Make Government cheap, and you make it contemptible.
THE MODEL WIFE.
She never comes down to breakfast in curl-papers. She does not
grumble if her husband brings a friend home to dinner, even if " there
is nothing in the house." She does not remonstrate if her husband
puts his feet on the sfeel fender, or cry if he does not wipe his boots
cn the door-mat. She subscribes to no circulating library, and if she
Teads a novel, she falls asleep over it. She is proficient in pie?, and has
i a deep knowledge of puddings. She never talks poli'ics; or "wish
. that slie were dead," or "a man;" or slam the doors, or shut herself
up in her bedroom on the plea of a " nervous headache." She is very
slow in te-irs, and a stout heretic as to hysterics. She allows a dog
to be kept in the house. She goes to church, but not to criticise the
bonnets. She is not above descending into the kitchen to get " some-
thing warm " for supper. She allows a fire in the bedroom on a wintry
night. She has a quick eye for dust, but does not martyr her husband
with continual complaints about the servants, nor worry herself to
death for a man in livery, or a page in buttons. She can walk, and
without thin shoes, or a Jeames to follow her. She prefers table-
beer to wine, and does not faint at the idea of grog, or in fact, faint
at all. She never sees that it is necessary to go out of town " for the
dear children's health." It is true she follows the fashions; but then
it is at several years' distance. She has the smallest possible affection
for jewellery, and makes the sweet children's frocks out, of her old
dresses. She is never " delicate," and would scorn to send for the
doctor because she is "a little low." She never tells her husband
when any of her friends have got a new bonnet, or exclaims with en-
thusiasm that she saw "such a lovely cachemere in the City yesterday,"
•and t hen rhapsodise on the smaUness of the price. She never opens her
husband's letters, and preserves her wedding-gown with a girlish reve-
rence. She is not miserable if she stays in town on the Ascot Day,
nor do penance in the back parlour if she does not go out of town when
the season is over. She mends stockings, and makes unexceptionable
preserves and pickles. She does not refuse to go out with her husband
because she hasn't a good gown. She asks for money sparingly, and
would sooner "eat her head off" than make anything out of-ihe
housekeeping. She always dresses for dinner. She never hides the
latch-key. She rarely flirts, and it makes her too giddy to waltz, even
with an officer.
The Model Wife always sits up for her husband, to the most unmatri-
■nconial hours; and still she does not look black, or say "He's killing
• J ,Y10ugh.he should bring daylight in with him, or even come home
with the milk." She hangs over the little bit of fire, watching the
mantelpiece clock, alarmed by every sound, jumping up at every cab,
shivering and sleepy, her only companions during the long night the
mice m the cupboard, or a stray blackbeetle, and her only occupation the
restless tear lest her husband should not come home safe. She cries
sometimes but never before him ; and, above all-hear it, all ye Wives
01 England—she does not Caudle Lecture him when she gets him
inside the curtains and knows there is no escape for him !
TO THE UNEMPLOYED.
e have read, with the combined attention of the philoso-
pher and the patriot, a, little book that, gay as a
summer bufterflv, has just fluttered from the press.
The book is called Sketches of Her Majesty's House-
hold; and, among other intoxicating intelligence, the
work professes to be A Guide to Situations in the
Queen's Domestic Establishment! A very solemn
little tome, it must be confessed, is this. Common
paper, and mere printer's blackness, are indeed too
vulgar for i's sublime purpose. Its leaves ought to
he of the vellum of the sheep that grew the golden
fleece; and conserve of the hearts of Maids-of-Honour
should be its ruddy ink. However, it is not so;
the book is, notwithstanding, a nice little book that,
lelped by the imagination of true loyalty, will gleam a libro d'oro.
With so many worthy men and women out of employment, Punch is
desirous to show to those who want places, how many excellent situa
uons are to be had in the Royal Household ; situations with this double
recommenda'ion, namely, a high salary and nothing to do. We are not
Hware of any kind of post that can offer to man or woman a more
eligible investment of temporary attention.
In the first place, there is the post of Lord Chamberlain. His duty
is, we believe, to carry a stick in his fingers ; to wear a latch-key of the
■or of t he back-stairs at his button-hole ; and always, on state occasions,
i walk backwards. The salary for doing this is—£2000 per annum,
a 1805, the place—held by the Earl of Dartmouth—was only £1200
year ; but, ihe Aristocracy having struck for an advance, the wages are
iow £2000 The duties of the post being made easy to the commonest
understanding, no man's modesty need stand in the way of his preferment..
The Vice-Chamberlain is engaged as a sort of double; taking the
Chamberlain's post when absent on his own business. This post (salary
£921 per annum) is well adapted for any good-looking young gentleman
of leisurely habits. No talent of any sort required. He must, however,
kno v his right hand from his left, and keep his thumb from his mouth.
The Lords-in-Waiting have £702 each per annum, with the run of the
Royal box at the opera and playhouse. They do nothing; and are often
much puzzled to get through their work.
The Master of the Ceremonies, in addition to the Chamberlains, has
£300; and would be a very nice addition to the income of any young
man of good deportment.
Gentlemen-Ushers, Grooms, Serjeants, Table-deckers, Kings-at-Arms,
Heralds, are all well worthy of the unemployed ; whose leisure would
in no way be interfered with by an appointment to either post.
To a retired sportsman the Master of t he Buckhounds would be a very
eligible situation; inasmuch as he is not required to hunt above four or
five weeks in the season; for which he is paid £1700 per annum;
besides being free of all turnpikes. The Master has a very handsome
turn-out; the expense of the establishment averaging between £6000
and £7000 a year, and triumphantly showing how much of the people's
money goes to the dogs.
The Hereditary Grand Falconer. This is a very eligible situafion for
any person of genteel exterior. The salary is £1200 a year. Not a
single hawk is kept; but the Falconer is expected, on certain state-days,
to give toast to the parrots !
The Keeper of the Queen's Privy Purse is a very nice post, indeed,
for any respectable young man; good security is of course required.
The salary is £2000 per annum. This is as it ought to be. Honesty,
like all other good things, is not to be bought except at, a high price.
Hence, the Keeper of the Purse is removed from all temptation, by
having £2000 a-year for only taking care of it.
The Governor and Constable of Windsor Castle would be a capital
appointment for a steady man ; only it is at present in the possession of
Prince Albert. Vulgar people might imagine that his Royal
Highness would have no objection to swear himself in as a continual
special constable to take care of his own house gratis; his Royal
Highness, however, knows the worth of fidelity ; and hence (in addition
to his £30,000) receives £1120 per annum with the constable's staff of
Windsor Castle!
The Ranger of Windsor Home Park would be a pleasant post for
any man with no objection to the country. Prince Albert, however,
being particularly fond of the Home Park, takes £500 a-year for
warning people " off the grass."
We shall not number the many situations conducing to the real
strength and glory of the Crown, to be found in this inestimable volume.
Punch recommends it to the earnest study of the true and loyal. The
writer attempts to show (very unsuccessfully, as Punch thinks) that
easily enough a sum of £29,104 might be saved to the country without
"interfering, in the most trifling manner, with either the domestic
comforts and conveniences, or the necessary state ceremonies, of the
sovereign of this country." Punch thinks the suggestion very disloyal.
The true strength of the British Constitution is in the money it costs
us. Make Government cheap, and you make it contemptible.