Punch (15.1848)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

29

THE MODEL MOTHER-IN-LAW.

*HE is a tender creature, and requires
) the nicest care and the hottest
luncheons to keep her in good tem-
per. She has only one child, a
daughter, but she is
passionately fond of her.
She " only lives to see
her dear child happy"
— and everybody else
miserable. To insure
this, it is necessary to
be constantly with her.
Accordingly, she " brings
her things" some day
before dinner, and takes
possession of the best
bedroom, onlv to stop
for a week. Her weeks,
however, never have a
Saturday. She has no
knowledge of time, as
measured by the week,
month, or year, but is
sadly put out if supper is
not brought up precisely
to the minute. Bat Julia always required a mother's care. She was
very delicate, even as a child, and the little thing is far from stron

hydraulic scene, made more terrible by the threat that " she will
never leave him till she has brought him to a sense of the injuries he
has inflicted upon that sainted creature," he is obliged to capitulate:
he falls upon his knees before his wife, and begs to be forgiven. The
Mother-in-Law stands by, like a stern Nemesis of the sex, and will not
allow the poor culprit to rise before he has confessed over and over
again how deeply he was in the wrong, and " what an infamous wretch
he must have been ever to doubt such angelic goodness!"

The husband's children belong, properly speaking, to the Model
Mother-in-Law. She superintends their education, dresses them,
whips them, physics them, and does whatever she pleases with them.
She begs " he '11 not interfere in matters he cannot possibly under-
stand." It is at the advent of a new baby, however, that her tyrannic
power is the most absolute ; the whole household then, from kitchen to
garret, is under her thumb, and, the centre of a large circle of
Godfreys, Gamps, Prigs, and Dalby's, she administers elixirs and
commands alternately, which no one dares disobey. The doctor even
succumbs to her; and as for the poor husband, he sinks to the smallest
possible point of virile insignificance. He rings the bell, no one answers
it: he wanders about a miserable Peter Schlemhil in his own house,
a Husband who has lost even the shadow of authority. He asks for his
dinner, not a soul knows anything about it. A bed is fitted up for him
somewhere in a lumber-room at the top of the house. He asks to see
his wife, but is met by the Mother-in-Law at the door, and questioned
if " the man really wishes to kill his innocent babe and wife ?" He is
"the man."

The Model Mother-in-Law is essentially a " strong-minded woman."
She is always telling people " a bit of her mind." The husband gets a
bit every day. All his relations, too, who dare " to put their noses into
what does not concern them," are favoured with "a bit "—a good large
bit—also. Her "mind," like the bell of St. Sepulchre, is never told,

now. She has never left her side for two days together since the hour | unlegs it \s the prelude [Q some dreadful execution. She dearly loves a
she was born. Her daughter must not walk.— Do you hear me, J ulia r qujef. fami]y_

The Model Mother-in-Law makes a principle of residing with her
victims. When once in a house, she is as difficult to get out as the dry-
rot, and if allowed her own way, soon undermines everything, and
brings the house "in no time" about everybody's ears. She goes out
of town with them every year. She should never forgive herself if
anything happened when she was away, and she was not near her
dearest Julia to aid and comfort her. The husband's comfort is never
considered. If he does succeed in driving her out of his house, his
torments are by no means at an end, for the chances are that she takes
a lodging in the same street, and lives just opposite to him. Then she
amuses herself by running backwards and forwards all day, dropping in
to dinner or luncheon about six times a week, or else watching every-
thing that takes place in his house from over the window-blinds of her
creature costing him rather dear for a treasure, he is asked if he calls « first • front_„ His Qnlv e th is b establishing- a Society
himself a man ? If poor Julia, has a headache the husband is blamed ; for theTromotion of Emigration from England of all homeless Mothers-
font. It is all his doing; he knows it is. Dldnt he speak harshly | in.Law who have on, one daUg|lter. If this should be fruitless, his
,o her at breakfast ? If the diimer is badly cooked, he must not say a Qnly h is m ocuring a Law to annul all marriages where the
word, for the,tears immediately flow, and the mother quickly upbraids ^ hnsbandcan prove that he has married "a treasure of a daughter"
as a wretch who ought to be ashamed of himself for speaking in that , who hag a « v{ of a mother » If tMa remedy even should fail, he
way to a suffering woman If he refuses to go on the continent, his I h d better £ a couple of Life Pills, for there is " no rest but the

mr\TlTm ic ronr nlAOV < hur I or A ha /■»*■! mo ho nnsvn hid nam haon I Si ho ar/\n H r , . 1 -mm- -* *- t

I will not allow it: the exertion is too much for you, and cabs are cheap
enough, goodness knows ! You must not exert yourself, child ; so give
me the keys, and I 'il attend to the housekeeping for you."

The shopping is attended to from the same generous motive. The
tradesmen soon look up to the Mother-in-Law as the mistress of the
house, and it is not long before the servants are made to acknow-
ledge her sway, and come to her regularly for orders. The husband is
nobody—a creature to give money as it is wanted, and to hold his
tongue. If he ventures to remonstrate, he is "killing" her daughter;
and as a mother, she is not going to allow the murder of her darling
child before her own eyes and not tell him what she thinks about it!
He is reminded every day that "he little knows the treasure he pos-
sesses in that dear creature;" and if he hints anything about the

motive is very clear ; but let the crime be upon his own head ! She would
not have his feelings afterwards for a thousand pounds !" If he
grumbles about any extravagant outlay, she is not going to allow her
daughter to starve for the consideration of a penny. She tells him he
■is killing her, and if the new curtains are not instantly put up in the
drawing-room, she will not answer for the consequences ! She should

rave" for the husband who groans under a Model Mother-in-Law.

UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE EXTRAORDINARY.

like verVmuch to know whaThe calls"himself7"~H I PROBABLE APPOINTMENTS.

The Model Mother-in-Law in her kindest mood is fearful, but she is 1 (frrxnti rrfmmrmnratt'rm

most despotic when there has been a sett lement made upon her daughter.
The domestic tyrant then rules with the iron rolling-pin of a female
Nero. All the little attempts of the poor husband to maintain his
rights are loudly anathematised as " base machinations to secure her

oxford.

Professor of Modern Languages . Monsieur Guizot.
Regius Professor of Hebrew . ... Citoyen Cbemieux.

■poor daughter's property. He wishes to drive Julia mad, but she! Professor of Pastoral Theology . . Pope Pius IX.

sees through his mean devices! " Letters too are rifled for secrets
pockets ransacked for billet-doux, old servants dismissed, new ones
hired, the dinner hour altered, the luncheon kept on the table all day,
and the children brought home from school, just as Mrs. Spitfire
pleases. _ The house is quite a family Bastile. No one dares move out
or come in without her permission. The latch-key is surrendered, and
the husband is quite under the Mother-in-Law's surveillance, and is
only let out upon parole. Woe to him if he returns home a minute
late! He is asked through the keyhole " if he's not ashamed of him-
self?" and before he has wiped his feet on the door-mat, he is told,
loud enough for all the servants to hear it, that "Julia is determined
not to endure his abominable profligacy any longer,—the poor thing is
sinking fast into a premature grave, and she is resolved upon having a
separate establishment." The next morning the Mother-in-Law and
her daughter leave with a hundred band-boxes, and the husband is left
alone without as much as the key of the tea-caddy to console himself
with. But he is not allowed to enjoy his solitude long. A St. Swithin
of letters from the mother, in the name of her injured daughter, keeps
pouring in upon him, reproaching him with everything short of arson.
He is visited at length by his dread enemy even in person, and after an

Professor of Poetry......Citoyen Lamartine.

cambridge.

Professor of Political Economy . . Citoyen Louis Blanc.

f Citoyen Louis-Philippe, "ex-
Pr ofessor of Modern History . . . < Regent," now "non-Regent" of

[France.

Professor of Anatomy and of Arabic Le General La.moriciere.
Professor of Geology.....Prince Metternich.

How to make a Budget.

Reckon your expenditure half a million too low: Reckon your
income half a million too high; the country thus gains one million.

Then take from the income of next year another half million, and add
it to the income of this: the country will thus have gained a million and
a half.

Then'give up a half-million of projected outlay; and you may take
to yourself the credit of having added two millions to the national
income—if you can get it.