DOI issue:
July to December, 1848
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16547#0177
170
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
A MOVING EXTRAVAGANZA.
Since the new plan of moving houses has come into fashion, persons
who are in the habir, of going to the seaside every year, need no longer
be afraid of leaving their property behind them. They will have their
mansions taken up and carried to the bankers'; where we can imagine
an extravagant sc*ne taking place in a year or two, like the following:—
COUTTS'S BANK.
Enter Mr. Hudson with tevtral hundred porterg, carrying on their
shoulders the Albert House.
Clerk. What is that, Sir?
Mr. Hudson. Oh! that is my little mansion; I'm going on the
Continent for six weeks, and I want you to take care of it for me till
I come back. Will you be very careful, if you please, and not tarn it,
upside down P
Clerk. Very sorry indeed, Sir; but our cellars are quite full. We
were obliged to refuse Buckingham Palace this morr.ing, Sir, for want
of room. [Exit Mr. Hudson, followed by his Rouse.
THE WEAKER SEX, AND THE WEAKEST POLICE.
J. Wilde is charged at Clerkenwell with beating Ellen Harris
insensible. The fellow made use of a stone, whirling it about the
woman's head in a handkerchief. The woman was shockingly beaten ;
nevertheless, the ruffian was charged only £5 for t he damage committed.
This—unfortunately for the dignity of property—he could not pay :
he could not afford the recreation of beating young women's heads
with stones; therefore, as a check to his extravagancy he was con-
demned to two months' imprisonment with hard labour.—A brief
retirement this from the world, for the better contemplation of the
rights of property. With £5 in his pocket, Wilde would have been
free as a bird, and his fingers undefiled by oakum. However, the
ruffian had committed another crime for which no money could be
received in recompense. He had slightly hit—with the self-same stone
—the sacred person of a policeman. Upon this, the villain was sen-
tenced to an additional month's captivity, no money being taken by
Justice as golden ointment for the hurts of her officers. The moral
of this is: You may beat a woman if you can afford to pay for it; but
money is of no avail if you smite a policeman. Hence, by"a metaphor,
the stone in the ruffian's handkerchief may be considered as the stone
of Justice, and therefore one of the brightest jewels out of the British
Crown.
MEDICAL ADVICE FOR ALDERMEN.
Fob reasons to which it is unnecessary to allude particularly, it is
very requisite that all manner of persons, just now, should be very
cautious in their diet. Your serious attention is therefore invited to
the important subject of " What to Eat, Drink, and Avoid."
Salt meat, and cured fish are very unwholesome; accordingly, your
food should consist much less of bacon than of venison, and much more
of turtle than of red herring, provided you take only a very little turtle
and venison, to which plain joints are preferable. Green vegetables are
pernicious, so that you are not to be condemned to hermit's fare ; and
prudence, as well as inclination, will lead you to eschew all manner of
herbs and roots, except good mealy po'atoes. You may safely vary
your dietary with hare, partridge, pheasant, grouse, snip'e, woodcock,
plover, quail, turkey, turkey pullets, and capons. All these are very
excellent things, only it may be as well to observe that they should not
be all taken at the same meal. You are recommended to eat as much
as is good for you, and are at liberty to eat more, if you like.
You need not be afraid of truffles, stewed mushrooms, tourtes, ice-
creams, lobster-salad, Chantilly biscuits, jellies, blanc-mange, oysters,
trifle, and strawberries, which will not do you the slightest harm—if
you will let them alone.
You may indulge in iced punch after your green fat, if you first take
the slight precaution of making your will, Otherwise, you had better
stick to good old port and sherry.
The point of clothing is one of great consequence. For the purpose
of protecting the body against atmospheric influences, you will find it
sufficient to devote half the pains to covering the surface which you
have hitherto bestowed on lining the interior.
You will have observed that the foregoing dietetic precepts contain
no recommendation to avoid fermented liquors. The truth is, that you
must drink something, and every drop of water that you can command
will be required to sluice, and cleanse, and scour your nasty dirty city.
THE HUMBLE PETITION AND REMONSTRANCE
OF THE VERNON GALLERY.
To Mr. Punch.
We, the undersigned, being perfectly resigned to our general lot, as
pictures— for instancy to newspaper strictures, which, whether
daily or weekly, we all submit to meekly; tho'it certainly were to
be wished thaf, if we are to be dished, those who "do" the sauce
and the dressing possessed, besides professing, some knowledge,
however slight, in the subject on which they're writin'—being also
prepared to endure all processes, whether for cure of horniness,
mildew, or blight, or touching us up to be bright, or toning us
down to be dull, or skinning our natural hull—a process by dealers
called cleaning, (whose effects Titian's Bacchus are seen in); in
short, all sor's of excoriation, restoration, lus'ration, purgation, to
which works that belong to a nation, as to people of private station,
must make up their expectation. So, had nonsense about us been
written, or had we with acids been bitten, or Art-Union engraver
been sittin', to gibbet us all br, by bit in his journal, all "in the
line manner," we'd ne'er lifted Rebellion's banner in this Revolu-
tion'ry day, and rushed to our Punch, thus to pray his protection,
our sufferings to s^ay, if but in a " provisional" way. But the fact
is, believe it, oh Punch, even now they 're beginning to " scrunch "
our poor canvasses (truth and no raillery) all into that National
Gallery ! And if he get us all in, with our frames, thick and thin,
Eastlake will have quite earned his salary. How ever we are to
be packed, unless, that's to sav, we are stacked like slates, one
a-top of another, till each of us kills his poor brother; or packed—
tho' like brothers we quarrel—like bast Yarmouth bloaters in
barrel; or stowed close, with no more regard than tramps in a
"casual ward"—we can't think—in the name of Old Harry,
perhaps you would ask Mr. Barry. The Old Masters may stand,
if they like, being treated as bad as poor Smike ; but we, true
British Pictures, will strike, and ne'er to High Art turning
martyrs, submit, to such mis'rable quarters—if " quarters" they be,
says a droll old Wilkie—being surely a " hole," we hear talk how
they'll pa'ch up and plaster it, how they'll stucco, and skreen, and
pilaster it; but Barry will ne'er put a face, we should hope, on
the Nat'nal disgracAnd if Barry declares he can alter the place
for the better, we say that this Barrytone's base. In a word,
Mr. Punch, we declare here that we, late one Vernon's, but now
one John Bull's propertie, being works one and all of the best
modern artists, have made up our minds to declare ourselves
Chartists, unless, without any more changing and dodging, we are
found, not, in washing, but, suitable lodging; and we'll set up our
Charter—its Six Points to be—
On?—The National Gallery ceases to be.
Cfcua—Givers of pictures shall see their gifts placed where the works
by the walls shall no more be disgraced.
Cfitcc—No newspaper writers shall dare to be critics till examined in
(read for the rhyme's sake) sesthitics.
jfour—Gil Bias and the Vicar of Wakefield must not furnish subjects,
on pain of the artist's being shot.
Jftbc—Art-Unions are humbugs—so are the Trustees of the National
Gallery—both Lords and M.P.'s.
£>iy—Each artist may think (and get others as well to think so, if he
can) he's the new Raffaelle.
ladies' fashions fob ireland
Two spinsters—in correspondence with the rebels—have been com-
mitted to Clonmel Gaol. They wore percussion caps in their hair; no
doubt—with the spinster purpose—of the more readily going off!
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
A MOVING EXTRAVAGANZA.
Since the new plan of moving houses has come into fashion, persons
who are in the habir, of going to the seaside every year, need no longer
be afraid of leaving their property behind them. They will have their
mansions taken up and carried to the bankers'; where we can imagine
an extravagant sc*ne taking place in a year or two, like the following:—
COUTTS'S BANK.
Enter Mr. Hudson with tevtral hundred porterg, carrying on their
shoulders the Albert House.
Clerk. What is that, Sir?
Mr. Hudson. Oh! that is my little mansion; I'm going on the
Continent for six weeks, and I want you to take care of it for me till
I come back. Will you be very careful, if you please, and not tarn it,
upside down P
Clerk. Very sorry indeed, Sir; but our cellars are quite full. We
were obliged to refuse Buckingham Palace this morr.ing, Sir, for want
of room. [Exit Mr. Hudson, followed by his Rouse.
THE WEAKER SEX, AND THE WEAKEST POLICE.
J. Wilde is charged at Clerkenwell with beating Ellen Harris
insensible. The fellow made use of a stone, whirling it about the
woman's head in a handkerchief. The woman was shockingly beaten ;
nevertheless, the ruffian was charged only £5 for t he damage committed.
This—unfortunately for the dignity of property—he could not pay :
he could not afford the recreation of beating young women's heads
with stones; therefore, as a check to his extravagancy he was con-
demned to two months' imprisonment with hard labour.—A brief
retirement this from the world, for the better contemplation of the
rights of property. With £5 in his pocket, Wilde would have been
free as a bird, and his fingers undefiled by oakum. However, the
ruffian had committed another crime for which no money could be
received in recompense. He had slightly hit—with the self-same stone
—the sacred person of a policeman. Upon this, the villain was sen-
tenced to an additional month's captivity, no money being taken by
Justice as golden ointment for the hurts of her officers. The moral
of this is: You may beat a woman if you can afford to pay for it; but
money is of no avail if you smite a policeman. Hence, by"a metaphor,
the stone in the ruffian's handkerchief may be considered as the stone
of Justice, and therefore one of the brightest jewels out of the British
Crown.
MEDICAL ADVICE FOR ALDERMEN.
Fob reasons to which it is unnecessary to allude particularly, it is
very requisite that all manner of persons, just now, should be very
cautious in their diet. Your serious attention is therefore invited to
the important subject of " What to Eat, Drink, and Avoid."
Salt meat, and cured fish are very unwholesome; accordingly, your
food should consist much less of bacon than of venison, and much more
of turtle than of red herring, provided you take only a very little turtle
and venison, to which plain joints are preferable. Green vegetables are
pernicious, so that you are not to be condemned to hermit's fare ; and
prudence, as well as inclination, will lead you to eschew all manner of
herbs and roots, except good mealy po'atoes. You may safely vary
your dietary with hare, partridge, pheasant, grouse, snip'e, woodcock,
plover, quail, turkey, turkey pullets, and capons. All these are very
excellent things, only it may be as well to observe that they should not
be all taken at the same meal. You are recommended to eat as much
as is good for you, and are at liberty to eat more, if you like.
You need not be afraid of truffles, stewed mushrooms, tourtes, ice-
creams, lobster-salad, Chantilly biscuits, jellies, blanc-mange, oysters,
trifle, and strawberries, which will not do you the slightest harm—if
you will let them alone.
You may indulge in iced punch after your green fat, if you first take
the slight precaution of making your will, Otherwise, you had better
stick to good old port and sherry.
The point of clothing is one of great consequence. For the purpose
of protecting the body against atmospheric influences, you will find it
sufficient to devote half the pains to covering the surface which you
have hitherto bestowed on lining the interior.
You will have observed that the foregoing dietetic precepts contain
no recommendation to avoid fermented liquors. The truth is, that you
must drink something, and every drop of water that you can command
will be required to sluice, and cleanse, and scour your nasty dirty city.
THE HUMBLE PETITION AND REMONSTRANCE
OF THE VERNON GALLERY.
To Mr. Punch.
We, the undersigned, being perfectly resigned to our general lot, as
pictures— for instancy to newspaper strictures, which, whether
daily or weekly, we all submit to meekly; tho'it certainly were to
be wished thaf, if we are to be dished, those who "do" the sauce
and the dressing possessed, besides professing, some knowledge,
however slight, in the subject on which they're writin'—being also
prepared to endure all processes, whether for cure of horniness,
mildew, or blight, or touching us up to be bright, or toning us
down to be dull, or skinning our natural hull—a process by dealers
called cleaning, (whose effects Titian's Bacchus are seen in); in
short, all sor's of excoriation, restoration, lus'ration, purgation, to
which works that belong to a nation, as to people of private station,
must make up their expectation. So, had nonsense about us been
written, or had we with acids been bitten, or Art-Union engraver
been sittin', to gibbet us all br, by bit in his journal, all "in the
line manner," we'd ne'er lifted Rebellion's banner in this Revolu-
tion'ry day, and rushed to our Punch, thus to pray his protection,
our sufferings to s^ay, if but in a " provisional" way. But the fact
is, believe it, oh Punch, even now they 're beginning to " scrunch "
our poor canvasses (truth and no raillery) all into that National
Gallery ! And if he get us all in, with our frames, thick and thin,
Eastlake will have quite earned his salary. How ever we are to
be packed, unless, that's to sav, we are stacked like slates, one
a-top of another, till each of us kills his poor brother; or packed—
tho' like brothers we quarrel—like bast Yarmouth bloaters in
barrel; or stowed close, with no more regard than tramps in a
"casual ward"—we can't think—in the name of Old Harry,
perhaps you would ask Mr. Barry. The Old Masters may stand,
if they like, being treated as bad as poor Smike ; but we, true
British Pictures, will strike, and ne'er to High Art turning
martyrs, submit, to such mis'rable quarters—if " quarters" they be,
says a droll old Wilkie—being surely a " hole," we hear talk how
they'll pa'ch up and plaster it, how they'll stucco, and skreen, and
pilaster it; but Barry will ne'er put a face, we should hope, on
the Nat'nal disgracAnd if Barry declares he can alter the place
for the better, we say that this Barrytone's base. In a word,
Mr. Punch, we declare here that we, late one Vernon's, but now
one John Bull's propertie, being works one and all of the best
modern artists, have made up our minds to declare ourselves
Chartists, unless, without any more changing and dodging, we are
found, not, in washing, but, suitable lodging; and we'll set up our
Charter—its Six Points to be—
On?—The National Gallery ceases to be.
Cfcua—Givers of pictures shall see their gifts placed where the works
by the walls shall no more be disgraced.
Cfitcc—No newspaper writers shall dare to be critics till examined in
(read for the rhyme's sake) sesthitics.
jfour—Gil Bias and the Vicar of Wakefield must not furnish subjects,
on pain of the artist's being shot.
Jftbc—Art-Unions are humbugs—so are the Trustees of the National
Gallery—both Lords and M.P.'s.
£>iy—Each artist may think (and get others as well to think so, if he
can) he's the new Raffaelle.
ladies' fashions fob ireland
Two spinsters—in correspondence with the rebels—have been com-
mitted to Clonmel Gaol. They wore percussion caps in their hair; no
doubt—with the spinster purpose—of the more readily going off!