DOI Heft:
July to December, 1848
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16547#0205
198
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
AUTHORS' MISERIES. No. VI.
Old Gentleman. Miss Wigyets. Two Authors.
Old Gentleman. "I am sorry to see you occupied, my dear Miss Wiggets, with that trivial paper
' Punch.' A Railway is .not a place, in my opinion, for jokes. 1 never joke—never.'1
Miss W. "So 1 should think, Sir"
Old Gentleman. " And besides, are you aware who are the conductors op that paper, and that
they are Chartists, Deists, Atheists, Anarchists, and Socialists, to a man ! i have it from the
best authority, that they meet together once a week in a tavern in saint giles's, where they
concoct their infamous print. the chief part of their income is derived from threatening
Letters which they sewd to the Nobility and Gentry. The principal Writer is a returned
Convict. Two Have been tried at the Old Bailey ; and their Artist—as for their Artist ....
Guard. u Swin-dun ! Sta-tion !" 'Exeunt two Authors.
THE ROYAL COMPLETE LETTER WRITER.
eally in times like the present, when kings are brought into such
odd and complicated relations to their subjects, a work under the
above 1 itle seems a desideratum in literature. Now that thrones are
daily turned topsy-turvy, balls tossed about, like jugglers' balls, and
sceptres balanced as gingerly as the equilibtist's ladder, with a donkey
a-top of ir, everything may depend on a monarch's having some
good guide to " what to say and how to say if," in communicating
with his people in emergencies.
The following specimens may be useful, as hints for &uch a hook,
under some taking alliterative title like The Monarch's Manual; or
Cut and Dry Copies for Crowned Heads ; or Epistles for an Embarrassed
Emperor; or, Little Letters for Levanting Lords Paramount. To be
printed in German text or Italian running hand, instead of the old
Court charae'er :—
No. I.—From a King in a fix to the Mob triumphant in his Capital.
" My beloved (here some endearing appellative—' Berliners,'
' Children,' ' Milanese,' ' Sons,' ' Viennese,' &c, as the case may be)—
" Your king hastens to place himself at the head of his beloved
people, as he has long ruled in their hearts. Your sublime attitude
inspires me with confidence. Your rights shall be secured by every
constitutional guarantee, and a universal amnesty granted for political
offences. A king is never so great or so happy as in the bosom of his
people. Abandon your attitude of heroic self-assertion. Return to
>our homes, and rest under the shadow of the law which you so much
respect. Obnoxious Ministers shall no lorger stand between us. Bless
you, my beloved and heroic people; and do not forget to return to the
arsenals the arms snatched up in the moment of alarm."
Such an epistle ought to be followed by a cessation of popular
tumult, and the voluntary disarming of the insurgents. The army meanwhile may be concentrated on the
capital, the royal oarriage being kept packed and horsed, in case of the above letter not acting. When the
army is posted so as to command the city, you may exhibit—
No. II.—From the same to the same {two days later),
" Misguided men!
" Mercy is not mercy, unless guided by justice. Instigated by a small but audacious faction, you
have dared to rise against the lawful authority of your sovereign. He would be justified in loosing
against you the vengeance of a
loyal army, but he contents himself
with the following mild measures
for suppression of the factious and
rebellious of the capital:—
"1. Martial law is proclaimed.
" 2. All assemblages are tor-
bidden.
" 3. Citizens shall not carry arms
under penalty of death.
"4. The ringleaders of the late
disturbance shall be delivered up
unconditionally.
" 5. The representative body,
lately elected, is dissolved.
"Any disobedience to the above
regulations shall be followed by
bombardment of the city. Long
Live the King ! "
If the army refuse to act, and
the monarch find it advisable to
"bob," he may throw dust into
the popular e\e, by—
No. III.—From the same to tlie same
{an hour before starting for the
frontier).
" My beloved, (as in No. I.)
" Do not heed idle reports. Your
king still trusts in your loyalty and
luve. He repeats his assurances of
devol ion to your rights and liberties,
and trusts long to remain under the
protection, not of a mercenary sol-
diery, but of his noble and armed
citizens and children. Say what
vou would have, and you shall
have it."
Vf hile the mob are perusing the
above, the royal carriages may start,
and when they have passed the
frontier, discharge at the rebels—
No. IV.— From the same to the same
{across the frontier).
" Your triumph will be short-
lived. I leave my capital soon to
ret urn with force to crush the hydra
of Revolution, which has raised its
thousand envenomed heads among
you. Tremble
You may then raise an army as you
can, and crush your rebellious sub-
jects without any letter whatever.
A Hint for the Sanitary Board.
Mr. Chadwick and his col-
leagues are impressing upon the
public the necessity of drainage and
ry atmosphere ; but we are not
aware of any provision having yet
been made to secure these advan-
tages to the second and third-class
passengers on the various railways.
Our old friend the Eastern Counties
is, we understand, sadly in want of
sewage for the second-class car-
riages, through which there runs a
sort of open drain, making a perfect
sop—not half so agreeable as a sop
in the (foot) pan—for the unhappy
passengers. We should recom-
mend that the regulations for ascer-
taining the health of the Metro-
polis should be applied to the rail-
ways ; for we have heard that the
ague is quite an epidemic on some
of the lines, and precautions ought
to be taken to prevent its spreading
to the benches. There is an im-
mense tract of marshy flooring at a
station we could name, and we trust
an officer of health will be instruated
at once to look to it.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
AUTHORS' MISERIES. No. VI.
Old Gentleman. Miss Wigyets. Two Authors.
Old Gentleman. "I am sorry to see you occupied, my dear Miss Wiggets, with that trivial paper
' Punch.' A Railway is .not a place, in my opinion, for jokes. 1 never joke—never.'1
Miss W. "So 1 should think, Sir"
Old Gentleman. " And besides, are you aware who are the conductors op that paper, and that
they are Chartists, Deists, Atheists, Anarchists, and Socialists, to a man ! i have it from the
best authority, that they meet together once a week in a tavern in saint giles's, where they
concoct their infamous print. the chief part of their income is derived from threatening
Letters which they sewd to the Nobility and Gentry. The principal Writer is a returned
Convict. Two Have been tried at the Old Bailey ; and their Artist—as for their Artist ....
Guard. u Swin-dun ! Sta-tion !" 'Exeunt two Authors.
THE ROYAL COMPLETE LETTER WRITER.
eally in times like the present, when kings are brought into such
odd and complicated relations to their subjects, a work under the
above 1 itle seems a desideratum in literature. Now that thrones are
daily turned topsy-turvy, balls tossed about, like jugglers' balls, and
sceptres balanced as gingerly as the equilibtist's ladder, with a donkey
a-top of ir, everything may depend on a monarch's having some
good guide to " what to say and how to say if," in communicating
with his people in emergencies.
The following specimens may be useful, as hints for &uch a hook,
under some taking alliterative title like The Monarch's Manual; or
Cut and Dry Copies for Crowned Heads ; or Epistles for an Embarrassed
Emperor; or, Little Letters for Levanting Lords Paramount. To be
printed in German text or Italian running hand, instead of the old
Court charae'er :—
No. I.—From a King in a fix to the Mob triumphant in his Capital.
" My beloved (here some endearing appellative—' Berliners,'
' Children,' ' Milanese,' ' Sons,' ' Viennese,' &c, as the case may be)—
" Your king hastens to place himself at the head of his beloved
people, as he has long ruled in their hearts. Your sublime attitude
inspires me with confidence. Your rights shall be secured by every
constitutional guarantee, and a universal amnesty granted for political
offences. A king is never so great or so happy as in the bosom of his
people. Abandon your attitude of heroic self-assertion. Return to
>our homes, and rest under the shadow of the law which you so much
respect. Obnoxious Ministers shall no lorger stand between us. Bless
you, my beloved and heroic people; and do not forget to return to the
arsenals the arms snatched up in the moment of alarm."
Such an epistle ought to be followed by a cessation of popular
tumult, and the voluntary disarming of the insurgents. The army meanwhile may be concentrated on the
capital, the royal oarriage being kept packed and horsed, in case of the above letter not acting. When the
army is posted so as to command the city, you may exhibit—
No. II.—From the same to the same {two days later),
" Misguided men!
" Mercy is not mercy, unless guided by justice. Instigated by a small but audacious faction, you
have dared to rise against the lawful authority of your sovereign. He would be justified in loosing
against you the vengeance of a
loyal army, but he contents himself
with the following mild measures
for suppression of the factious and
rebellious of the capital:—
"1. Martial law is proclaimed.
" 2. All assemblages are tor-
bidden.
" 3. Citizens shall not carry arms
under penalty of death.
"4. The ringleaders of the late
disturbance shall be delivered up
unconditionally.
" 5. The representative body,
lately elected, is dissolved.
"Any disobedience to the above
regulations shall be followed by
bombardment of the city. Long
Live the King ! "
If the army refuse to act, and
the monarch find it advisable to
"bob," he may throw dust into
the popular e\e, by—
No. III.—From the same to tlie same
{an hour before starting for the
frontier).
" My beloved, (as in No. I.)
" Do not heed idle reports. Your
king still trusts in your loyalty and
luve. He repeats his assurances of
devol ion to your rights and liberties,
and trusts long to remain under the
protection, not of a mercenary sol-
diery, but of his noble and armed
citizens and children. Say what
vou would have, and you shall
have it."
Vf hile the mob are perusing the
above, the royal carriages may start,
and when they have passed the
frontier, discharge at the rebels—
No. IV.— From the same to the same
{across the frontier).
" Your triumph will be short-
lived. I leave my capital soon to
ret urn with force to crush the hydra
of Revolution, which has raised its
thousand envenomed heads among
you. Tremble
You may then raise an army as you
can, and crush your rebellious sub-
jects without any letter whatever.
A Hint for the Sanitary Board.
Mr. Chadwick and his col-
leagues are impressing upon the
public the necessity of drainage and
ry atmosphere ; but we are not
aware of any provision having yet
been made to secure these advan-
tages to the second and third-class
passengers on the various railways.
Our old friend the Eastern Counties
is, we understand, sadly in want of
sewage for the second-class car-
riages, through which there runs a
sort of open drain, making a perfect
sop—not half so agreeable as a sop
in the (foot) pan—for the unhappy
passengers. We should recom-
mend that the regulations for ascer-
taining the health of the Metro-
polis should be applied to the rail-
ways ; for we have heard that the
ague is quite an epidemic on some
of the lines, and precautions ought
to be taken to prevent its spreading
to the benches. There is an im-
mense tract of marshy flooring at a
station we could name, and we trust
an officer of health will be instruated
at once to look to it.