Punch: Punch (17.1849)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

85

THE WAR CONGRESS.

veb in opposition to the
friends of Peace, a meeting
of the War Congress last
week took place in London
around a table in the smoking-
room of a crack club. The
assembly consisted of above
half-a-dozen young military
gentlemen of Fashion. The
Chair was taken by every-
body at 8 o'clock, and after
cigars had been lighted,

Lieutenant Phipps (of
the Greens) said he would be
glad if any one would tell him
what those fellows were doing
in Paris ?

Captain Dandison thought
they were pretty quiet now.

Lieutenant Phipps did
not mean them. He meant
those Peace fellows.

Cob.net Bucksey had no
idea. It was such a bore to
read the papers. But those disciples, or apostles, or whatever you
called it, of Peace, to go about preaching in that way was absurd. _

Lieutenant Trite was decidedly of opinion that the idea ot inter-
national arbitration was utopian. .

Ensign Logic would ask if you might not just as well think ot
settling all disputes by seconds?

Major Savage would have that fellow Cobden shot. He believed
that it was the object of that man to destroy the Army m order to
subvert the Crown.

Lieutenant Phipps thought he had much better have stuck to
cotton-twist. . ,

Captain de Witt would suggest hemp-twist; for all the set de-
served to be hanged. _^
Captain Dandison asked if they were not mostly Quakers t
Lieutenant Phipps believed so. Quakers and Wesleyans, and all
that sort of thing. .

Cornet Bucksey said that they were a parcel of confounded rascals
at any rate, but wished to know what was the good of talking about
them ?

No one appearing able or willing to answer this question, the con-
versation, after a pause, turned on the subject of a horse, and was
protracted to a late hour.

GREAT RAILWAY ATTRACTION.

A HOME FOR DESTITUTE YOUNGER SONS.

The Morning Chronicle, in speaking of the Government of Ceylon,
savs, " Lord Tobbington was appointed because he had family claims,
was poor, and required out-door relief." It is a great pity something
cannot be done at home for the benefit of these pauper Lords. Why send
them abroad where they only commit irreparable mischief. We should
like to see some workhouses—or rather clubs—established for the
Younger Sons of the Nobility. They should have every luxury—a bilhard-
room,—a smoking-room,—a concert-room,—a stable and a couple of
horses each. The income of every member should not be less than £500
a year, and white kid gloves a discretion. This would be cheaper than
finding secretaryships, and governorships, and ambassadorships, and
every other ship excepting hardships, for them all over the world.
Every pauper lord should bs eligible to these almshouses, upon his
pledging his word not to meddle with Government, Out-door relief
might occasionally be administered to the poorer class of the nobility,
to consist of haunches of venison, and pots of currant jelly, twice a week,
with daily supplies of cheroots, snuff, grog, the newspapers and eau de
Cologne. What a blessing such a'charitable institution would have been
at the lime Lord Torrington was sent out to Ceylon. That talented
nobleman has evidently mistaken his vocation. His abilities evidently
recommend him to a higher sphere, and we earnestly hope, in common
with all true lovers of homage to talent, that he will be recalled at the
earliest opportunity, and appointed Beadle of Torrington Square.

a trifle for georget.

We understand that the Emperor op Austria, by the advice of the
Czar Nicholas, intends to confer on Georgey, ex-patriot and Magyar
chieftain, in reward of his convenient and well-timed surrender, an order
of nobility with the title of Count Knockunder.

The South-Eastern Railway Directors are trying the puffing system
with great energy upon the dead walls and perambulating advertising
carts of the Metropolis. Whenever we see a speculation relying much
upon mural means of publicity, the old proverb about the weakest
going to the wall, immediately occurs to us. One of the South-
Eastern "dodges," which has been much in favour durine the last
year, has been the bold catch-line of,

"PARIS IN 12 HOURS."

Since, however, a correspondent of the Times has shown that the
" 12 hours" in theory, amount in practice to 29, the public will not
henceforth be taken m, or rather taken out by the South-Eastern
Railway; at least, when rapidity of travelling is the object of the
tourist. We should recommend the Company to try the other tack, and
adopt the " enough-for-one's-money " line of advertisement, by showing
how the greatest quantity of time, and the smallest amount of cash,
may be spent on the route between London and Paris. With this view a
series of attractive posting-bills might be got up with such catch-lines as

"circuitous boute," " cubves of beauty" " pleasures of
the roundabout;"

and stress could also be laid upon the opportunities of being present
at the

"GREAT PUBLIC MEETING"

of two or three trains at one station, where the delay caused by the
irregularity of one or all, gives ample opportunity for

"listening to the speeches"

of the impatient travellers, as well as for hearing the

" distant tinkling of the bells "

of the Electric Telegraph, creating a sort of

" Semi-realization of the pleasures of Arcadia, with the Silver Tones of
the Sheep Bells in the shadowy distance"

When it may be added, moreover, that all this can be enjoyed

"At a Single Fare,"

the attraction seems almost irresistible. To those who take delight
rather in the picturesqueness of scenery than in the less substantial
charms of poesy, much might be offered in the

"GRAND PANORAMIC EEEECT"
produced by the

"sailing of the steameb fbom the harbour in sight OF

the train ;"

a double coup combining the

"surprise and excitement of missing the boat,"
with admiration at the prospect of

"MIGHTY OCEAN,"
and the pleasing anticipation of

" a day and night at the pavilion hotel in folkestone."

These are some of the eyery-day agremens experienced during a trip, by
those who are caught tripping on the South-Eastern Railway, under the
impression that they are going to

"PARIS IN 12 HOURS"

The Inconveniences of being Fat.

We read in the account of the Northumberland Agricultural Show,
that

" The morning was so very hot and oppressive that the poor animals seemed, from
their fatness, to suffer greatly, and their keepers to alleviate their distress, occasionally
washed their faces with water."

We are told their humanity did not stop here. Many of the pigs
were provided with salts and smelling-bottles, whilst an old Boar, who
had evidently a great deal upon his mind on account of his enormous
obesity, which completely weighed him to the ground, was kindly
favoured with a copy of the Familiar Instructions for making Wills. He
filled up the form m the usual manner, gave a grateful grunt, and died
shortly afterwards. We believe he left everything to the generous
master who had brought him up all the way from Hampshire, and had
never left his side once since he had been upon the road.

Solvency and Song.—The Royal Italian Opera, by advertisement,
has invited all persons having claims on it to send in their accounts
for payment. Hence we have the pleasure of concluding that this well
conducted establishment is paying in gold as well as notes.