DOI issue:
July to December, 1849
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16604#0152
140
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
PENNY-A-LINE ATEOC1T1ES.
GIANT,
Beaten away from the enormous cabbage plantations, and fairly routed out of the early strawberry
beds by the lateness of the season, the penny-a-liners have been terribly put to it for a meal and a
paragraph. Even the monstrous gooseberry can no longer be crammed down the public throat, for
.he newspaper reader will no longer consent to be made a gooseberry fool of as he once used to be.
An unusual haul of mackerel, which was formerly all fish in the casual reporter's net, is now not wori.h
its weight in ink to the unhappy scribe, nor will the very best attested pig with five tails run, as once
it would, the round of the newspapers. The two-headed cat has gone to the dogs ; the bi-tailed bullock
has drawn in his horns ; the one-eyed jackass has given his last kick, and the whole catalogue of nature's
anomalies, which could once command their fourpence per paragraph as the regular market price, are
now utterly valueless.
In their despair, the penny-a-liners have lately taken to the horrible practice of burying people alive,
and causing them to wake again, in order that they—the penny-a-liners—may turn a most dishonest
and, indeed, a most atrocious penny. It is true that iliey get an additional sixpence by a contradiction
a few days afterwards, and that, after administering the bane to the reader, they do not long withhold
the antidote. We nevertheless think that these interments, with which the newspaper cemeteries
are now being crowded, should be put a stop to as speedily as possible.
TURKEY versus TYRANNY.
Accounts from Vienna and St.
Petersburg state that the Austrian
Vulture (improperly called Eagle) and
the Russian Bear are in a most frantic
state, raging mad with disappointed
hatred. Their triumph over Hungary
has been robbed of nine-tenths of its
zest by the escape of Kossuth ana
his companions, who have taken refuge
in Turkey, and whom the Porte refuses
to deliver up to their tender mercies.
Of course it is impossible for any
human being to conceive the agonies
of these wretched creatures, thus
baffled of their prey, and burning with
the thirst of vengeance which they are
forbidden to slake; but their howlings
are said to be frightful. The Sultan
is considered to have shown great
spirit in resisting the demand of the
allied savages, and to have fully sub-
stantiated his claim to his ancient title
of the Grand Turk. Altogether it
may be said that Turkey has, in this
matter, taken an attitude truly worthy
of the Sublime Porte.
Spes et Opes.
It is stated that a vessel lately
arrived from Ireland with five pockets
of hops, the produce of that country.
This is good news indeed; for we have
heard of nothing but empty pockets in
Ireland for some years, and the worst
of it is, that we have been expected
to fill these empty pockets incessantly.
(A wretch at our side has almost spoiled
our satisfaction at the circumstance
alluded to, by whispering in our ear
the suggesi ion, that the arrival of these
hops may be the happy prelude to
Irish h-opulence.)
THE OLD CHURCHWARDEN'S COMPLAINT AGAINST SLAVE TRAEETC IN ENGLAND.
SANITARY REFORM. ^-^-^oreigneb.s accuse us of selling our wives
Pish! What trouble and vexation, what a deal of botheration ,we tBHk-J^-< in Sruith^eld Market, but what will Europe
are put t0 bv this precious sanitary reformation ! HO^I^VvX^ Say ^ - reH,ls halLf;a-dozen advertisements
What's the sense of "sanitarv?"—no such word in dictionary—an — )-Jk2WA %r , 'in ,?T' PuHlc f^ts, proposing an
expression to the good old English language quite contrary. M»W/S^ Exchange of Pupils ? A pupil is a human
In our district so extensive, if a drain's at all offensive, it must in- HH bel"?> *™ ™ change of the commodity
stantlv be mended ; which is monstrously expensive. ^BB&to mJ-a ° m- ,!uman beings,, the idea of
And our dead we're forced to bury somewhere in a cemetery, ah whrch causes our ink t9 run cold m our quills
because our churchyard's crowded ; which is arbitrary, very.
If we 're satisfied what matter, though the churchyard were still
fatter; if so be we're not partic'lar, what to other folks is that 'ere ?
How the scientific asses preach about their poisonous gases, making
havoc 'mongst the habitations of the lower classes !
Things our forefathers knew nought of, now they tell us fever's
caught of—oh! the times when sulphuretted hydrogen was never
thought oi !
I Ve no faith and no reliance in your chemistry and science; if you '11
act by my advice you'll set the doctors at defiance.
We, the Board of Health supposes, ought to make sinks smell like
roses; people now-a-days pretend to have such very dainty noses.
I'm convinced, by much reflection, that there is not that connexion,
which we heard so much on lately, 'twixt uncleanness and infection—
_ My great uncle is a brewer ; eighty-eight, and well as you are ; all
his life has he been living close beside an open sewer ;
And the Thames with refuse Rowing, its salubrious nature showing,
makes, he says, beyond comparison the best of porter going.
Dirt and filth with health agreeing in the pig 'tis easy seeing; now,
inside, a pis, I'm told, is very like a human being.
But in outlay to engage us, would, I own, make me outrageous, even
supposing tilth and dirt to be infectious or contagious.
I would go to such expenses on no reasons nor pretences; let us
iare the cash, I say, and take our chance of consequences.
and brings the "burning blush of shame"
into both sides of our countenance. We find
the principal of a female seminary prepared
to barter away a boy for a schoolmaster's
girl; and in another case, the head of a
seminary anxious to take out a young lady's
education—intellectual and moral—in coals,
candles, butcher's meat, bread, or grocery.
We can imagine the sort of account that
must be kept in the case of a pupil, whose
instruction has to be balanced by food or fuel.
Of course every pound of beef would be pro-
perly checked off by a per contra in the shape of grammar or geography ;
and if the pupil's father were in the candle line, so many dozens of dips
would be the booked equivalent for so much mental enlightenment.
It is to be presumed that if the articles were not regularly sent in,
the instruction would at once stop, and if the parent, being a coal
merchant, failed to teach his subordinates when and where to shoot the
required coals, the young idea would not be taught to shoot, or would
perhaps be significantly presented with the sack, and a polite intimation
of its being impossible without coals alerepmmam. However convenient
the mutual accommodation system may be, we wish, for the credit of
the country in the eyes of foreigners, that the objectionable heading,
" Exchange of Pupils," be at once withdrawn from the advertisements.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
PENNY-A-LINE ATEOC1T1ES.
GIANT,
Beaten away from the enormous cabbage plantations, and fairly routed out of the early strawberry
beds by the lateness of the season, the penny-a-liners have been terribly put to it for a meal and a
paragraph. Even the monstrous gooseberry can no longer be crammed down the public throat, for
.he newspaper reader will no longer consent to be made a gooseberry fool of as he once used to be.
An unusual haul of mackerel, which was formerly all fish in the casual reporter's net, is now not wori.h
its weight in ink to the unhappy scribe, nor will the very best attested pig with five tails run, as once
it would, the round of the newspapers. The two-headed cat has gone to the dogs ; the bi-tailed bullock
has drawn in his horns ; the one-eyed jackass has given his last kick, and the whole catalogue of nature's
anomalies, which could once command their fourpence per paragraph as the regular market price, are
now utterly valueless.
In their despair, the penny-a-liners have lately taken to the horrible practice of burying people alive,
and causing them to wake again, in order that they—the penny-a-liners—may turn a most dishonest
and, indeed, a most atrocious penny. It is true that iliey get an additional sixpence by a contradiction
a few days afterwards, and that, after administering the bane to the reader, they do not long withhold
the antidote. We nevertheless think that these interments, with which the newspaper cemeteries
are now being crowded, should be put a stop to as speedily as possible.
TURKEY versus TYRANNY.
Accounts from Vienna and St.
Petersburg state that the Austrian
Vulture (improperly called Eagle) and
the Russian Bear are in a most frantic
state, raging mad with disappointed
hatred. Their triumph over Hungary
has been robbed of nine-tenths of its
zest by the escape of Kossuth ana
his companions, who have taken refuge
in Turkey, and whom the Porte refuses
to deliver up to their tender mercies.
Of course it is impossible for any
human being to conceive the agonies
of these wretched creatures, thus
baffled of their prey, and burning with
the thirst of vengeance which they are
forbidden to slake; but their howlings
are said to be frightful. The Sultan
is considered to have shown great
spirit in resisting the demand of the
allied savages, and to have fully sub-
stantiated his claim to his ancient title
of the Grand Turk. Altogether it
may be said that Turkey has, in this
matter, taken an attitude truly worthy
of the Sublime Porte.
Spes et Opes.
It is stated that a vessel lately
arrived from Ireland with five pockets
of hops, the produce of that country.
This is good news indeed; for we have
heard of nothing but empty pockets in
Ireland for some years, and the worst
of it is, that we have been expected
to fill these empty pockets incessantly.
(A wretch at our side has almost spoiled
our satisfaction at the circumstance
alluded to, by whispering in our ear
the suggesi ion, that the arrival of these
hops may be the happy prelude to
Irish h-opulence.)
THE OLD CHURCHWARDEN'S COMPLAINT AGAINST SLAVE TRAEETC IN ENGLAND.
SANITARY REFORM. ^-^-^oreigneb.s accuse us of selling our wives
Pish! What trouble and vexation, what a deal of botheration ,we tBHk-J^-< in Sruith^eld Market, but what will Europe
are put t0 bv this precious sanitary reformation ! HO^I^VvX^ Say ^ - reH,ls halLf;a-dozen advertisements
What's the sense of "sanitarv?"—no such word in dictionary—an — )-Jk2WA %r , 'in ,?T' PuHlc f^ts, proposing an
expression to the good old English language quite contrary. M»W/S^ Exchange of Pupils ? A pupil is a human
In our district so extensive, if a drain's at all offensive, it must in- HH bel"?> *™ ™ change of the commodity
stantlv be mended ; which is monstrously expensive. ^BB&to mJ-a ° m- ,!uman beings,, the idea of
And our dead we're forced to bury somewhere in a cemetery, ah whrch causes our ink t9 run cold m our quills
because our churchyard's crowded ; which is arbitrary, very.
If we 're satisfied what matter, though the churchyard were still
fatter; if so be we're not partic'lar, what to other folks is that 'ere ?
How the scientific asses preach about their poisonous gases, making
havoc 'mongst the habitations of the lower classes !
Things our forefathers knew nought of, now they tell us fever's
caught of—oh! the times when sulphuretted hydrogen was never
thought oi !
I Ve no faith and no reliance in your chemistry and science; if you '11
act by my advice you'll set the doctors at defiance.
We, the Board of Health supposes, ought to make sinks smell like
roses; people now-a-days pretend to have such very dainty noses.
I'm convinced, by much reflection, that there is not that connexion,
which we heard so much on lately, 'twixt uncleanness and infection—
_ My great uncle is a brewer ; eighty-eight, and well as you are ; all
his life has he been living close beside an open sewer ;
And the Thames with refuse Rowing, its salubrious nature showing,
makes, he says, beyond comparison the best of porter going.
Dirt and filth with health agreeing in the pig 'tis easy seeing; now,
inside, a pis, I'm told, is very like a human being.
But in outlay to engage us, would, I own, make me outrageous, even
supposing tilth and dirt to be infectious or contagious.
I would go to such expenses on no reasons nor pretences; let us
iare the cash, I say, and take our chance of consequences.
and brings the "burning blush of shame"
into both sides of our countenance. We find
the principal of a female seminary prepared
to barter away a boy for a schoolmaster's
girl; and in another case, the head of a
seminary anxious to take out a young lady's
education—intellectual and moral—in coals,
candles, butcher's meat, bread, or grocery.
We can imagine the sort of account that
must be kept in the case of a pupil, whose
instruction has to be balanced by food or fuel.
Of course every pound of beef would be pro-
perly checked off by a per contra in the shape of grammar or geography ;
and if the pupil's father were in the candle line, so many dozens of dips
would be the booked equivalent for so much mental enlightenment.
It is to be presumed that if the articles were not regularly sent in,
the instruction would at once stop, and if the parent, being a coal
merchant, failed to teach his subordinates when and where to shoot the
required coals, the young idea would not be taught to shoot, or would
perhaps be significantly presented with the sack, and a polite intimation
of its being impossible without coals alerepmmam. However convenient
the mutual accommodation system may be, we wish, for the credit of
the country in the eyes of foreigners, that the objectionable heading,
" Exchange of Pupils," be at once withdrawn from the advertisements.