DOI Heft:
July to December, 1849
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16604#0212
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
MONEY.—WANTED from £300 to £400 to bring forwajrd an Article
that must in a few years realise a handsome fortune to the proprietors. To any
Young Man who is not of business habits, with the above sum at command, this is an
opportunity for investment seldom met with. References exchanged.—No professed
Moneylender need apply.
SCENES FROM THE LIFE OF AN UNPROTECTED
FEMALE.
Scene 3.— Custom-house Wharf, with Boulogne boat alongside. The
Unprotected Female is gradually recovering from the discomposure
of tlie voyage. Her luggage is, as usual, voluminous, and her money
all Wrench.
Captain {onpaddle-box). Ease her ! Turn astarn !
toy. Tu a—st—ar—n. {Captain signals). Tu a—h—ade. {Captain
signals). Stp—e—rr. [Steam blows of.
Unprotected Female {alarmed at the noise, to Polite Passenger).
Oh, is anything going to blow up ?
Polite Passenger. Oh, no, ma'am ; that's the cylinder, ma'am, always
makes that noise—or the piston—that 'a the safety valve, you know.
Perfectly safe, ma'am.
[A flight of Porters descend upon t/ie boat, and appropriate t/ie luggage.
Unprotected Female {attempting in vain to sit upon all of hers at once).
Oh, do stop him {to Polite Passenger). That's my bonnet-box. Those
are all my trunks. [Polite Passenger rushes after his own luggage.
Porter. Cust'm-'ouse.
Unprotected Female {resigning herself). Oh, do be particular.
[Her luggage is taken from her.
Mate. Now—Gangway.
[The gangway begins to perform evolutions in the air. Unprotected
Female places herself conveniently to receive it on her head.
Mate. Look out, ma'am.
Unprotected Female. Oh! [Screams, and all but rushes into the river.
Mate. Now, then—shore.
[A rush up the gangway carries the Unprotected Female along
with it.
Mate. Ticket! [To Unprotected Female.
Unprotected Female {searching herself). Here—no, that 'a my hotel bill.
Here—no, that's my excursion ticket. Oh, where can I have put it ?
Impatient Passenger. Move on in front, there!
Unprotected Female {under severe pressure from behind, succeeds at last
in finding her ticket in some remote recess of her garments). Here !
[She gains the wharf.
[Scene changes to waiting-room and Searcher's room in Custom-
house, with a door communicating between the apartments.
Clerk {at door of Searcher's room). Now then, passengers with—one
article! [Unprotected Female makes a rush for the door.
Clerk. One article, ma'am ?
Unprotected Female {rapidly). Yes, one bonnet-box—one carpet-bag
—one leather trunk-
Clerk {repulsing her contemptuously). This way with one article-
Three Passengers {at once). Here:
Clerk All right.
[The three pass in. The door is shut to violently on the noses of half-
a-dozen who press on after them.
Outside.
Impatient Passenger. Now then,
look sharp !
[Kicks violently at door.
Desponding Passenger {to crowd
generally). I was once kept here
from ten in the morning till six at
night.
Impatient Passenger. By Jove I'll
write to the Times. {Kicks violently
at door.) Hollo !
Reasonable Passenger. Don't be
in a hurry, Sir. The men inside
must have time to do their work.
Cheerful Passenger {to Unpbo-
tected Female). Amusing scene,
this, Ma'am.
Unprotected Female. It's very
distressing for an Unprotected
Female, Sir.
Impatient Passenger {looking at
his watch). Half-an-hour, already,
and I have to be at the House of
Commons in an hour from this !
Clerk {at door). Two articles !
[An immediate rush is made
by everybody—only two are
let in.
Unprotected Female. I wonder
how long it will be before they
come to fifteen articles—I think
I've fifteen, if they count the
little ones. Do they count the
little ones, Sir? {To Impatient
Passenger).
Impatient Passenger. Cussed if
I don't think they count the brass-
headed nails. {Kicking violently.)
Hollo ! Do you think we're a-going
to wait here all day. I '11 write to
the Times.
Cltrk {at door.) Three and four
articles.
[The usual rush takes place.
Clerk {to Impatient Passen-
ger). How many articles ?
Impatient Passenger. Seven. You
said three and four articles. Three
and four's seven.
[Passes in before Clerk can
collect himself to ref ute him.
Several others follow him.
Unprotected Female {soliloquising).
How dreadfully chill and damp this
pi ace is. It's enough to give one
one's death of cold. I wonder when
1 shall get home ? They '11 be ex-
pecting me. I'm afraid I shall be
late for dinner. I wonder whether
there '11 be a deal of duty to pay.
Oh ! gracious goodness ! there's
that lace inside my dress. They '11
never find that surely. Oh ! here's
that man again !
Inside.
First Searcher {to Second Do.)
I'll thank you for the Times when
you've done with it.
Fourth Searcher {examining Se-
cond Passenger's trunk). Hollo!
—you've got some funny carica-
tures here!
[A general examination of the
caricatures by all the Search-
ers with elaborate humorous
comments.
Third Searcher {to First Pas-
senger, holding up Daguerreotype
apparatus). Hollo! what's this?
[First Passenger is called
upon to explain principles and
practice of Daguerreotype, and
does so at some length.
Sec.Searcher {to First Searcher)
Here's the Times. (^Passengers).
Now, Gents, anything to declare ?
Passengers. Nothing.
Second Searcher. That '11 do—
Half-a-crown, please.
[Fxeunt the three Passengers
with their three articles, tlie
united number of which
amounts to ten.
First Searcher. Call in the two
articles.
F?iter two Passengers.
Second Searcher {Searching First
Passenger's trunk). Bless me !
now what may these be?
[Handling a parcel carelessly.
First Passenger {eagerly). Take
care, pray. They 're curious bota-
nical specimens.
Second Searcher. Look here !
Jones. Here's queer things for a
man to carry about.
[The Herbarium is passed from
Searcher to Searcher.
First Passenger {in agony). Oh,
pray, mind. They're very delicate.
Dear, dear! you're breaking the
pislils.
First Searcher {authoritatively
looking up from Second Passen-
ger's trunk). You ought to know
better than to carry fire-arms about
in your luggage, Sir.
Second Searcher {together). Ha!
ha ! ha ! Why they 're flowers. I
say, here's Tomkins has made
such a rum mistake.
[All the Searchers gather round
to hear the story, and poke
fun at Tomkins.
Enter Impatient Passenger.
Impatient Passenger {thumping on
the counter^. Now then, somebody,
or I '11 write to the Times, by Jove.
There are my keys, I've seven
packages. I've nothing to declare
—you'd better not break anything
—or I '11 write to the Times. Now,
some of you—look sharp—or I'll
write—
[A rush of Searchers takes
place, and the Impatient
Passenger is disposed of
with singular rapidity.
Clerk at door. Other Parties.
A rush takes place, with the Unprotected Female at the head of it.
1st Searcher, Now, mu'm—which is yours P
MONEY.—WANTED from £300 to £400 to bring forwajrd an Article
that must in a few years realise a handsome fortune to the proprietors. To any
Young Man who is not of business habits, with the above sum at command, this is an
opportunity for investment seldom met with. References exchanged.—No professed
Moneylender need apply.
SCENES FROM THE LIFE OF AN UNPROTECTED
FEMALE.
Scene 3.— Custom-house Wharf, with Boulogne boat alongside. The
Unprotected Female is gradually recovering from the discomposure
of tlie voyage. Her luggage is, as usual, voluminous, and her money
all Wrench.
Captain {onpaddle-box). Ease her ! Turn astarn !
toy. Tu a—st—ar—n. {Captain signals). Tu a—h—ade. {Captain
signals). Stp—e—rr. [Steam blows of.
Unprotected Female {alarmed at the noise, to Polite Passenger).
Oh, is anything going to blow up ?
Polite Passenger. Oh, no, ma'am ; that's the cylinder, ma'am, always
makes that noise—or the piston—that 'a the safety valve, you know.
Perfectly safe, ma'am.
[A flight of Porters descend upon t/ie boat, and appropriate t/ie luggage.
Unprotected Female {attempting in vain to sit upon all of hers at once).
Oh, do stop him {to Polite Passenger). That's my bonnet-box. Those
are all my trunks. [Polite Passenger rushes after his own luggage.
Porter. Cust'm-'ouse.
Unprotected Female {resigning herself). Oh, do be particular.
[Her luggage is taken from her.
Mate. Now—Gangway.
[The gangway begins to perform evolutions in the air. Unprotected
Female places herself conveniently to receive it on her head.
Mate. Look out, ma'am.
Unprotected Female. Oh! [Screams, and all but rushes into the river.
Mate. Now, then—shore.
[A rush up the gangway carries the Unprotected Female along
with it.
Mate. Ticket! [To Unprotected Female.
Unprotected Female {searching herself). Here—no, that 'a my hotel bill.
Here—no, that's my excursion ticket. Oh, where can I have put it ?
Impatient Passenger. Move on in front, there!
Unprotected Female {under severe pressure from behind, succeeds at last
in finding her ticket in some remote recess of her garments). Here !
[She gains the wharf.
[Scene changes to waiting-room and Searcher's room in Custom-
house, with a door communicating between the apartments.
Clerk {at door of Searcher's room). Now then, passengers with—one
article! [Unprotected Female makes a rush for the door.
Clerk. One article, ma'am ?
Unprotected Female {rapidly). Yes, one bonnet-box—one carpet-bag
—one leather trunk-
Clerk {repulsing her contemptuously). This way with one article-
Three Passengers {at once). Here:
Clerk All right.
[The three pass in. The door is shut to violently on the noses of half-
a-dozen who press on after them.
Outside.
Impatient Passenger. Now then,
look sharp !
[Kicks violently at door.
Desponding Passenger {to crowd
generally). I was once kept here
from ten in the morning till six at
night.
Impatient Passenger. By Jove I'll
write to the Times. {Kicks violently
at door.) Hollo !
Reasonable Passenger. Don't be
in a hurry, Sir. The men inside
must have time to do their work.
Cheerful Passenger {to Unpbo-
tected Female). Amusing scene,
this, Ma'am.
Unprotected Female. It's very
distressing for an Unprotected
Female, Sir.
Impatient Passenger {looking at
his watch). Half-an-hour, already,
and I have to be at the House of
Commons in an hour from this !
Clerk {at door). Two articles !
[An immediate rush is made
by everybody—only two are
let in.
Unprotected Female. I wonder
how long it will be before they
come to fifteen articles—I think
I've fifteen, if they count the
little ones. Do they count the
little ones, Sir? {To Impatient
Passenger).
Impatient Passenger. Cussed if
I don't think they count the brass-
headed nails. {Kicking violently.)
Hollo ! Do you think we're a-going
to wait here all day. I '11 write to
the Times.
Cltrk {at door.) Three and four
articles.
[The usual rush takes place.
Clerk {to Impatient Passen-
ger). How many articles ?
Impatient Passenger. Seven. You
said three and four articles. Three
and four's seven.
[Passes in before Clerk can
collect himself to ref ute him.
Several others follow him.
Unprotected Female {soliloquising).
How dreadfully chill and damp this
pi ace is. It's enough to give one
one's death of cold. I wonder when
1 shall get home ? They '11 be ex-
pecting me. I'm afraid I shall be
late for dinner. I wonder whether
there '11 be a deal of duty to pay.
Oh ! gracious goodness ! there's
that lace inside my dress. They '11
never find that surely. Oh ! here's
that man again !
Inside.
First Searcher {to Second Do.)
I'll thank you for the Times when
you've done with it.
Fourth Searcher {examining Se-
cond Passenger's trunk). Hollo!
—you've got some funny carica-
tures here!
[A general examination of the
caricatures by all the Search-
ers with elaborate humorous
comments.
Third Searcher {to First Pas-
senger, holding up Daguerreotype
apparatus). Hollo! what's this?
[First Passenger is called
upon to explain principles and
practice of Daguerreotype, and
does so at some length.
Sec.Searcher {to First Searcher)
Here's the Times. (^Passengers).
Now, Gents, anything to declare ?
Passengers. Nothing.
Second Searcher. That '11 do—
Half-a-crown, please.
[Fxeunt the three Passengers
with their three articles, tlie
united number of which
amounts to ten.
First Searcher. Call in the two
articles.
F?iter two Passengers.
Second Searcher {Searching First
Passenger's trunk). Bless me !
now what may these be?
[Handling a parcel carelessly.
First Passenger {eagerly). Take
care, pray. They 're curious bota-
nical specimens.
Second Searcher. Look here !
Jones. Here's queer things for a
man to carry about.
[The Herbarium is passed from
Searcher to Searcher.
First Passenger {in agony). Oh,
pray, mind. They're very delicate.
Dear, dear! you're breaking the
pislils.
First Searcher {authoritatively
looking up from Second Passen-
ger's trunk). You ought to know
better than to carry fire-arms about
in your luggage, Sir.
Second Searcher {together). Ha!
ha ! ha ! Why they 're flowers. I
say, here's Tomkins has made
such a rum mistake.
[All the Searchers gather round
to hear the story, and poke
fun at Tomkins.
Enter Impatient Passenger.
Impatient Passenger {thumping on
the counter^. Now then, somebody,
or I '11 write to the Times, by Jove.
There are my keys, I've seven
packages. I've nothing to declare
—you'd better not break anything
—or I '11 write to the Times. Now,
some of you—look sharp—or I'll
write—
[A rush of Searchers takes
place, and the Impatient
Passenger is disposed of
with singular rapidity.
Clerk at door. Other Parties.
A rush takes place, with the Unprotected Female at the head of it.
1st Searcher, Now, mu'm—which is yours P