DOI issue:
July to December, 1849
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16604#0265
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
253
THE GUARDS AND THE LINE.
Some dissatisfaction
is expressed every
now and then by the
soldiers of the line,
at the superior ad-
vantages possessed
by the Officers of the
Guards, and there is
frequently a dispo-
sition shown to sneer
at the latter's ser-
vices. Perhaps the
sneerers are not
aware of the actual
duties of the Guards-
men, which may be
more exhausting than
might generally be
supposed, and we
therefore, as an act
of mere justice, beg
to ask whether the
severe duties of
parade, the fatigues
of a forced march from the Bird CageWalk to St. James's Palace, the
harassing exploit of standing in a circle for conversa'ional purposes
during the playing of the band, the trying moment of planting the British
Flag m the British hold-fast, in the Bri'ish post in the centre of the
Colour Yard, and other achievements which the Officers of the Guards
are daily called upon to perform, are to be forgotten in the estimate we
form of these highly-favoured regiments ? We say nothing of the Italian
Opera campaign, which has lately been rendered doubly arduous by the
opening of an opposition establishment.
<
SCENES FROM THE LIFE OF AN UNPROTECTED
FEMALE.
Scene 8.—The parlour of a Margate lodging-house. No. —, Montpellier
Terrace, on the ground floor, " commanding a fine view of the sea,"
which view presents a blank wall, with an assortment of chimney-pots,
an oyster-shop, with the door of a tap-room, and in the extreme dis-
tance, a small portion of a bathing-machine. A violent ringing of
bells heard. Enter the Unprotected Female, in her neglige de
matin, and a state of concentrated indignation.
Unprotected Female. It 's no use ringing that bed-room bell. They
won't come, if I tore every wire in the house out by the roots. {Seizing
the parlour bell-pull, and lugging at it without any results, beyond a great
vibration of the bell-wires.) Oh, it's shameful! A pound a week for
apartments, and not a bell that will ring ! {Opening the door and calling.)
Martha ! Martha ! {Seating herself with the resignation of a victim.) Oh,
that's a deaf girl they've got, on purpose not to answer. I hope I'm to
be allowed some breakfast. There's that fire, as black and nasty—{Pokes
fire in an unguarded manner, and produces an eruption of smoke.) Ugh !
I'm to be smothered next. {Throws up the window) Oh, it's dreadful!
I '11 go home this very day.
Small Bop {passing by, looks into the window). Good mornin', old lady,
ope you slept well ?
Unprotected Female. Get away, you wicked boy, do—or I '11 call the
police.
Enter Literal Servant.
lateral Servant {in a state of incredible slatternliness). Please, Mum,
was it you as ringed, or the upstairs ?
Unprotected Female. Why, wasn't my jug of hot sea-water brought
tip, this morning, you careless thing ?
Literal Servant. Please, Mum, I 11 ask Missus. _ ('Going.
Unprotected Female. Stop, you careless thing. Why isn't the cloth
laid for breakfast P
Literal Servant. Please, Mum, I'm goin' to. {Going, returns.) Please,
Mum, you said as how you'd 'ave srimps. Please, Muni, there ain't
none fresh. But Missus said, you could 'ave a shop egg, and it was
good enough for the likes of you, and please, Mum, I was to say, if you
axed, it were fresh laid at tuppence each.
Unprotected Female {with sarcastic point). No doubt. I'm very much
obliged to your Mistress, and I '11 take an opportunity of thanking her.
{Exit Literal Servant.
Unprotected Female. Oh, I ought to have known how it would be.
But the week's out to-day.
1A green baize band which has been for some time preparing for action
outside, begins a grand military Fantasia, with the. trombones
coming all but into the windows.
Unprotected Female. Oh, gracious goodness! Stop ! I '11 call the
police. {Brass Band goes on crescendo.) Police ! Police ! {Brass Band
still goes on crescendo, and the cry of the Unprotected Female is at
once swallowed up by the ophicleide) Oh, I'd better be smothered than
this. {Shuts the window.
[Re-enter Literal Servant, and begins to arrange the breakfast table.
Unprotected Female. Well ?
Literal Servant. Oh, please Mum, Missus said if you must 'ave your
'ot salt-water, she'd like to know why you didn't take lodgins in a
bathing-machine at once.
Unprotected Female {swallowing her indignation with a good deal of
smoke). Thank you, I'm sure.
[Literal Servant places the lea-caddy and sugar-basin on the table.
Unprotected Female {seizing sugar-basin, and going through a rapid
process of mental arithmetic). There's six lumps gone since yesterday.
I put four a-top of each other, there, and they've been touched. Oh,
you wicked girl!
Literal Servant. Oh, please Mum, we finds our own sugar. Please
Mum, Missus says we mustn't never touch the lodgers'. She look to
that herself, she do.
Unprotected Female {calculating the solid content of the tea-caddy). And
there's at least six spoonfuls of green gone out of here, and ever so
much black! Be kind enough, please, to tell your Mistress, with my
respectful compliments, that I'm robbed, and that my week's up, and
that I'd rather go, if she has no objections.
Literal Servant. Yes, Mum, that's wot all the lodgers says. [Exit.
Unprotected Female {sits down to breakfast in great bitterness of spirit.
Looks threateningly^ at the kettle, which remains perfectly silent on the black
fire). And as for boiling water, that's quite out of the question, of course'.
{A sharp knock at the door.) Come in.
Vnter Lodging-House Keeper, with great humility, followed bg
Literal Servant, in fear and trembling.
Unprotected Female. Oh! p'rhaps, Mim, you call this a comfortable
breakfast! Would you like to help yourself, Mim ?
{Pointing to the sugar-basin and tea-caddy.
Lodging-House Keeper. I'm quite at a lost to understand your bass
insinua'ions, Mem.
Unprotected Female. Thank you—I don't wish for anything more,
Mim—not even a shop egg, Mim!
Lodging-House Keeper. Would you please to explain. Mem ? Allusions
is quite beneath me, especially in regard of sugar-basins and inferior
tea, Mem. {Withgreat severity.
Unprotected Female. I can't submit to be robbed, Mim ; I ain't used
to if, Mim.
Lodging-House Keeper. There's witnesses {to Literal Servant),
I' ve been slandered by a female. But I'm 'appy to say there's law for
persings in all situations ; if reduced to let apartments, having known
better days, Mem, and the equal of other persings.
Unprotected Female. Your bill would oblige—for the week—Mim.
I'm up to-d*y, I'm thankful to think.
Lodging-House Keeper. Wich you shall have if, Mem, at once, and
glad to think a party's character is not to be took away for nothing, Mem.
Good morning, Mem, I shall see my lawyer, Mem, in the course of the
day, Mem. [Exit followed by Literal Servant.
Unprotected Female {bursting into tears). Oh, the wicked woman ! I
don't care if they put me in gaol for it, but that sugar she did take, and
the tea too ! I '11 swear to it; and I don't care. {A rap at the windote.
0?ie of the brass band presents his cap for the reward earned by annoying
the neighbourhood) Get away, do, you noisy wretches ! {TJie brass
bandsman, terrified by her looks, retires) But I won't sit here to be
robbed and smothered, and threatened with attornies. {Rises and pro-
ceeds to put on her bonnet and shawl.) _ I '11 go and take a turn on the
jetty, and see Mr. Jones, and ask his advice. He's sure to be there.
Oh,'for a lonely woman, it's dreadful to have to deal with such people.
[Exit in deep dejection, but determined.
Scene changes to the jetty. The Unprotected Female is discovered
in deep consultation with Mr. Jones, from whose experience she seems
to derive great consolation.
Mr. Jones. Yes, my dear Ma'am, it's a most unpleasant situation for an
unprotected and inexperienced female. Ah, why—but no matter. [Sighs.
Unprotected Female. Why, what, Mr. Jones P ah, indeed. [Sighs also.
Mr. Jones. We '11 settle this horrid harpy for you, my very dear
Madam. Don't let that annoy you. Turn your thoughts to the sweet
scene before us—to the vessels, Ma'am, and the steamers, passing and
repassing. By Jove, Ma'am, a Brit on enjoys this sort of exciting scene.
"Rule, Britannia, Britannia rules the waves." One feels so fresh and
free ! '(Mr. Jones waxes warm in his enthusiasm, and bursts suddenly into
Biiron)—
" And i have loved thee, Ocean, and my joy
Of youthful sports was on thy breast to be.
Borne by thy bubbles onwards; from a boy
i wantoned with'thy breakers, they to me were a delight-'"
[Mr. Jones pauses, partly from imperfect recollection of what folios,
partly from a remorseful consciousness of his extreme sea-sickntu
in coming down
253
THE GUARDS AND THE LINE.
Some dissatisfaction
is expressed every
now and then by the
soldiers of the line,
at the superior ad-
vantages possessed
by the Officers of the
Guards, and there is
frequently a dispo-
sition shown to sneer
at the latter's ser-
vices. Perhaps the
sneerers are not
aware of the actual
duties of the Guards-
men, which may be
more exhausting than
might generally be
supposed, and we
therefore, as an act
of mere justice, beg
to ask whether the
severe duties of
parade, the fatigues
of a forced march from the Bird CageWalk to St. James's Palace, the
harassing exploit of standing in a circle for conversa'ional purposes
during the playing of the band, the trying moment of planting the British
Flag m the British hold-fast, in the Bri'ish post in the centre of the
Colour Yard, and other achievements which the Officers of the Guards
are daily called upon to perform, are to be forgotten in the estimate we
form of these highly-favoured regiments ? We say nothing of the Italian
Opera campaign, which has lately been rendered doubly arduous by the
opening of an opposition establishment.
<
SCENES FROM THE LIFE OF AN UNPROTECTED
FEMALE.
Scene 8.—The parlour of a Margate lodging-house. No. —, Montpellier
Terrace, on the ground floor, " commanding a fine view of the sea,"
which view presents a blank wall, with an assortment of chimney-pots,
an oyster-shop, with the door of a tap-room, and in the extreme dis-
tance, a small portion of a bathing-machine. A violent ringing of
bells heard. Enter the Unprotected Female, in her neglige de
matin, and a state of concentrated indignation.
Unprotected Female. It 's no use ringing that bed-room bell. They
won't come, if I tore every wire in the house out by the roots. {Seizing
the parlour bell-pull, and lugging at it without any results, beyond a great
vibration of the bell-wires.) Oh, it's shameful! A pound a week for
apartments, and not a bell that will ring ! {Opening the door and calling.)
Martha ! Martha ! {Seating herself with the resignation of a victim.) Oh,
that's a deaf girl they've got, on purpose not to answer. I hope I'm to
be allowed some breakfast. There's that fire, as black and nasty—{Pokes
fire in an unguarded manner, and produces an eruption of smoke.) Ugh !
I'm to be smothered next. {Throws up the window) Oh, it's dreadful!
I '11 go home this very day.
Small Bop {passing by, looks into the window). Good mornin', old lady,
ope you slept well ?
Unprotected Female. Get away, you wicked boy, do—or I '11 call the
police.
Enter Literal Servant.
lateral Servant {in a state of incredible slatternliness). Please, Mum,
was it you as ringed, or the upstairs ?
Unprotected Female. Why, wasn't my jug of hot sea-water brought
tip, this morning, you careless thing ?
Literal Servant. Please, Mum, I 11 ask Missus. _ ('Going.
Unprotected Female. Stop, you careless thing. Why isn't the cloth
laid for breakfast P
Literal Servant. Please, Mum, I'm goin' to. {Going, returns.) Please,
Mum, you said as how you'd 'ave srimps. Please, Muni, there ain't
none fresh. But Missus said, you could 'ave a shop egg, and it was
good enough for the likes of you, and please, Mum, I was to say, if you
axed, it were fresh laid at tuppence each.
Unprotected Female {with sarcastic point). No doubt. I'm very much
obliged to your Mistress, and I '11 take an opportunity of thanking her.
{Exit Literal Servant.
Unprotected Female. Oh, I ought to have known how it would be.
But the week's out to-day.
1A green baize band which has been for some time preparing for action
outside, begins a grand military Fantasia, with the. trombones
coming all but into the windows.
Unprotected Female. Oh, gracious goodness! Stop ! I '11 call the
police. {Brass Band goes on crescendo.) Police ! Police ! {Brass Band
still goes on crescendo, and the cry of the Unprotected Female is at
once swallowed up by the ophicleide) Oh, I'd better be smothered than
this. {Shuts the window.
[Re-enter Literal Servant, and begins to arrange the breakfast table.
Unprotected Female. Well ?
Literal Servant. Oh, please Mum, Missus said if you must 'ave your
'ot salt-water, she'd like to know why you didn't take lodgins in a
bathing-machine at once.
Unprotected Female {swallowing her indignation with a good deal of
smoke). Thank you, I'm sure.
[Literal Servant places the lea-caddy and sugar-basin on the table.
Unprotected Female {seizing sugar-basin, and going through a rapid
process of mental arithmetic). There's six lumps gone since yesterday.
I put four a-top of each other, there, and they've been touched. Oh,
you wicked girl!
Literal Servant. Oh, please Mum, we finds our own sugar. Please
Mum, Missus says we mustn't never touch the lodgers'. She look to
that herself, she do.
Unprotected Female {calculating the solid content of the tea-caddy). And
there's at least six spoonfuls of green gone out of here, and ever so
much black! Be kind enough, please, to tell your Mistress, with my
respectful compliments, that I'm robbed, and that my week's up, and
that I'd rather go, if she has no objections.
Literal Servant. Yes, Mum, that's wot all the lodgers says. [Exit.
Unprotected Female {sits down to breakfast in great bitterness of spirit.
Looks threateningly^ at the kettle, which remains perfectly silent on the black
fire). And as for boiling water, that's quite out of the question, of course'.
{A sharp knock at the door.) Come in.
Vnter Lodging-House Keeper, with great humility, followed bg
Literal Servant, in fear and trembling.
Unprotected Female. Oh! p'rhaps, Mim, you call this a comfortable
breakfast! Would you like to help yourself, Mim ?
{Pointing to the sugar-basin and tea-caddy.
Lodging-House Keeper. I'm quite at a lost to understand your bass
insinua'ions, Mem.
Unprotected Female. Thank you—I don't wish for anything more,
Mim—not even a shop egg, Mim!
Lodging-House Keeper. Would you please to explain. Mem ? Allusions
is quite beneath me, especially in regard of sugar-basins and inferior
tea, Mem. {Withgreat severity.
Unprotected Female. I can't submit to be robbed, Mim ; I ain't used
to if, Mim.
Lodging-House Keeper. There's witnesses {to Literal Servant),
I' ve been slandered by a female. But I'm 'appy to say there's law for
persings in all situations ; if reduced to let apartments, having known
better days, Mem, and the equal of other persings.
Unprotected Female. Your bill would oblige—for the week—Mim.
I'm up to-d*y, I'm thankful to think.
Lodging-House Keeper. Wich you shall have if, Mem, at once, and
glad to think a party's character is not to be took away for nothing, Mem.
Good morning, Mem, I shall see my lawyer, Mem, in the course of the
day, Mem. [Exit followed by Literal Servant.
Unprotected Female {bursting into tears). Oh, the wicked woman ! I
don't care if they put me in gaol for it, but that sugar she did take, and
the tea too ! I '11 swear to it; and I don't care. {A rap at the windote.
0?ie of the brass band presents his cap for the reward earned by annoying
the neighbourhood) Get away, do, you noisy wretches ! {TJie brass
bandsman, terrified by her looks, retires) But I won't sit here to be
robbed and smothered, and threatened with attornies. {Rises and pro-
ceeds to put on her bonnet and shawl.) _ I '11 go and take a turn on the
jetty, and see Mr. Jones, and ask his advice. He's sure to be there.
Oh,'for a lonely woman, it's dreadful to have to deal with such people.
[Exit in deep dejection, but determined.
Scene changes to the jetty. The Unprotected Female is discovered
in deep consultation with Mr. Jones, from whose experience she seems
to derive great consolation.
Mr. Jones. Yes, my dear Ma'am, it's a most unpleasant situation for an
unprotected and inexperienced female. Ah, why—but no matter. [Sighs.
Unprotected Female. Why, what, Mr. Jones P ah, indeed. [Sighs also.
Mr. Jones. We '11 settle this horrid harpy for you, my very dear
Madam. Don't let that annoy you. Turn your thoughts to the sweet
scene before us—to the vessels, Ma'am, and the steamers, passing and
repassing. By Jove, Ma'am, a Brit on enjoys this sort of exciting scene.
"Rule, Britannia, Britannia rules the waves." One feels so fresh and
free ! '(Mr. Jones waxes warm in his enthusiasm, and bursts suddenly into
Biiron)—
" And i have loved thee, Ocean, and my joy
Of youthful sports was on thy breast to be.
Borne by thy bubbles onwards; from a boy
i wantoned with'thy breakers, they to me were a delight-'"
[Mr. Jones pauses, partly from imperfect recollection of what folios,
partly from a remorseful consciousness of his extreme sea-sickntu
in coming down