DOI issue:
January to June, 1850
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16605#0031
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
23
Clerk. Christian Name ?
[Running over the " Watts's " with his finger in the Transfer Book.
Unprotected Female. Martha.
Clerk. No Martha Watt here. Must have made a mistake, Ma'am.
Unprotected Female {in great wretchedness). Oh, they told me to come.
Clerk. How do you spell your name?
Unprotected Female. S. T-
Clerk {indignantly). Then what do you come to the Ws for? You
gave me name " Watt."
Unprotected Female {explanatorily). No, I said "What?"
Clerk. Well, " Watt." That don't begin with S—T—
Unprotected Female. No -my name isn't Watt. I only said " What."
It's Struggles is my name—Martha Struggles.
Clerk {relieved and kindly). Go to S. T. and give your name, and
they '11 give you a warrant.
Unprotected Female. Oh—I don't want a warrant—I've come for my
dividends.
Clerk {impatiently). Te—Te—Te. Why don't you bring somebody
with you ?
Unprotected Female {glad of the opportunity, is about to explain the de-
fection of Jones). Oh, you see, Mr. Jones—
Clerk. Weli—well—never mind Mr. Jones—go to the ST's—there
{pointing with his pen,) and take what they give you, Now, Sir.
[To the next Payee.
Unprotected Female {gaining the STs at last, with unusual directness).
Martha Struggles, and I've come for my dividends.
Clerk (discovering the name). How much ?
Unprotected Female plunging into her bag and bringing up a handful of
papers). It's all down here.
Clerk {hastily). Put it down. Now, Ma'am.
[Proceeds to dupose of other applicants.
Unprotected Female {after performing a series of complicated calculations,
puts in her paper triumphantly). That's it.
Clerk reading out {waggishly). 289734—two hundred and eighty-nine
thousand, seven hundred and thirty four pounds—Ma'am ?
Unprotected Female. No—no—two hundred and eighty-nine pounds,
seven shillings and three-farthings, and I don't mind the copper.
Clerk {referring to book). No such sum under that name in Long
Annuities. What stock ?
Unprotected Female. In the Funds.
Clerk. Bank Stock, Consols, Reduced, Three-and-a-quarters, or Terms
of years ?
Unprotected Female {solemnly, but with much alarm). No, it's all in the
Funds.
Clerk. Yes, but what Stock ?
Unprotected Female {in a tone intended to inspire respect). In the
Government Securities, every farthing of it.
Clerk {suddenly). Oh! you've got your Stock receipts there. Let
me look. [Holding his hand.
Unprotected Female (suspiciously). Oh, but Mr. Jones said I wasn't.
Thev 're my securities.
Clerk {half amused, half hopeless arriving at a result). Hold 'em
tight, Ma'am; only let me look. Longs, and Three-and-a-Quarters.
{Makes out the warrant for the Long Annuities' Stock.) Now, sign there,
Ma'am. {Pushes the Dividend Book over to her. Unprotected Female
is about to write her name promiscuously.) No, no. Opposite there
—So.
Unprotected Female {suddenly seized with a qualm). But you'll
pay me ?
Clerk. Dear, dear, dear! Now, sign there. {Giving her the warrant.)
So. (Signs.) Now, take that to the Rotunda, and they '11 give you
the money.
Unprotected Female. Oh, but can't you, please? I'd rather have
it here.
Clerk. No. We don't pay here. There, it's that round room you
came through.
Unprotected Female. Oh, but I asked there as I came on, and they
wouldn't.
Clerk. But they will now, if you show 'em that. Now do go, Ma'am.
These gentlemen are waiting.
[Pointing to a group which has been jointly and severally consigning
the Unprotected Female to very unpleasant places during
the above colloquy.
Unprotected Female {very humbly to the group). I'm sure I'm very
sorry—But Mr. Jones—{Her explanation is cut short by a rush of
Payees; and she wanders back to the Rotunda. Addressing First
Clerk, who has his hands full already). Please could you pay me my
dividends ?
Mderly Gentleman. Wait a moment, Madam.
Unprotected Female. They said you would if I showed you this.
[Holding up warrant. Elderly Gentleman is disposed of.
Unprotected Female. Oh ! please, could you ?—
Brisk Cterk. There's three before you, old lady.
[Brisk Clerk: is disposed of.
Unprotected Femalt Now, if you please—
Severe Widow {with much asperity.) I beg you '11 wait for your turn,
Ma'am.
Unprotected Female (in a tone of dignified retort). Oh ! by all means,
Ma'am. (Severe Widow is disposed of.) Now, please, my dividends.
[Hands over warrant.
Harassed Clerk {snappishly). How do you make it ?
Unprotected Female. Oh ! I didn't make it. It was my poor Uncle
Thomas left it to me.
Harassed Clerk (glaring at her as with a desire to a?mihilate her). Add
it up. How ruueh is it ?
Unprotected Female {with a ray of intelligence). Oh ! it's £289 Is. Ofi.
But I don't mind the copper.
Harassed Clerk (flinging back the warrant). It's only for £200.
Unprotected Female. Oh! then they've cheated me. I thought they
would. Here are my securities. [Shows Stock Certificates.
Harassed Clerk {comprehending at a glance). £200 in Longs, the rest
in Three-and-a-quarters. If vou bring the warrant for the rest I'll pay
you. You can only have £200 on this—
Unprotected Female {clasping her hands in despair). Oh, they didn't
give me anything but that, and they said you'd pay me if I showed it
you—and now you won't—Oh—
Harassed Clerk {on the verge of an explosion). Bless the woman!
Unprotected Female {passing suddenly from the depths of despair to
the summit of felicity). Oh, there's Mr. Jones ! Oh, Mr. Jones !
[Rushes towards that individual who enters the Rotunda; all but
falls into his arms, and the Scene closes on her rapture of relief.
HALVING THE CENTURY.
* ust now our table
is cracking and
groaning under a
heap of letters on
both sides of the
i controversy about
the completion of
the first half of
1 the century. One
correspondent il-
I lustrates his view
| by proposing that
we should drink
'- the half of a hun-
( dred barrels of
! stout in as many
j) years, and informs
/ us that half the
hundred barrels
will have been
c^y_j^^3 iiWJ drunk so soon,
~^~=^-~--^:x^~^^<^a^^sS^^ but only so soon,
as the last pot of
the fiftieth barrel shall have been swallowed. Our only objection to
this mode of determining the question is, that he has not sent, us
the means of trying his experiment. We may apply similar observa-
tions to the propositions of those who ask us to smoke so many bundles
of cigars, eat so much cheese, and wear out so many suits of clothes in
half a century. The quantities of these articles are represented as
given quantities, but all we can say is, that we have not received any
of them. As to the matter in dispute, we need only remark, that if
the year 1800 was the first year of the century, 1801 was the second
year, 1849 the fiftieth, and the present year of grace, 1850, is the fifty-
first. If not, then otherwise. To us, the question would seem per-
fectly clear, but for the following communication, which, being brief,
we publish in extenso:—
"Mr. Punch,
" My cousin Bridget, to my knowledge, was born on January
1, 1800. If we are now beginning the second half of the century, she
must just have entered her fifty-first year. Yet a lady's word is unde-
niable ; and all who have been acquainted with Biddy for the last 20
years can testify that, during all that time, she has declared herself to be
only thirty.
" Your constant reader,
" Tempus Fugit."
Rogues in Grain.
A Correspondent of the Times says, with reference to " Servants'
Poundage," " I know of one corn-dealer who invariably sends to his
west-end customers three and three quarters for four bushels in every
sack." If we were so treated by our ccm-dealer through the
connivance of our groom, we would send the former his corn back again,
and give the latter the sack.
23
Clerk. Christian Name ?
[Running over the " Watts's " with his finger in the Transfer Book.
Unprotected Female. Martha.
Clerk. No Martha Watt here. Must have made a mistake, Ma'am.
Unprotected Female {in great wretchedness). Oh, they told me to come.
Clerk. How do you spell your name?
Unprotected Female. S. T-
Clerk {indignantly). Then what do you come to the Ws for? You
gave me name " Watt."
Unprotected Female {explanatorily). No, I said "What?"
Clerk. Well, " Watt." That don't begin with S—T—
Unprotected Female. No -my name isn't Watt. I only said " What."
It's Struggles is my name—Martha Struggles.
Clerk {relieved and kindly). Go to S. T. and give your name, and
they '11 give you a warrant.
Unprotected Female. Oh—I don't want a warrant—I've come for my
dividends.
Clerk {impatiently). Te—Te—Te. Why don't you bring somebody
with you ?
Unprotected Female {glad of the opportunity, is about to explain the de-
fection of Jones). Oh, you see, Mr. Jones—
Clerk. Weli—well—never mind Mr. Jones—go to the ST's—there
{pointing with his pen,) and take what they give you, Now, Sir.
[To the next Payee.
Unprotected Female {gaining the STs at last, with unusual directness).
Martha Struggles, and I've come for my dividends.
Clerk (discovering the name). How much ?
Unprotected Female plunging into her bag and bringing up a handful of
papers). It's all down here.
Clerk {hastily). Put it down. Now, Ma'am.
[Proceeds to dupose of other applicants.
Unprotected Female {after performing a series of complicated calculations,
puts in her paper triumphantly). That's it.
Clerk reading out {waggishly). 289734—two hundred and eighty-nine
thousand, seven hundred and thirty four pounds—Ma'am ?
Unprotected Female. No—no—two hundred and eighty-nine pounds,
seven shillings and three-farthings, and I don't mind the copper.
Clerk {referring to book). No such sum under that name in Long
Annuities. What stock ?
Unprotected Female. In the Funds.
Clerk. Bank Stock, Consols, Reduced, Three-and-a-quarters, or Terms
of years ?
Unprotected Female {solemnly, but with much alarm). No, it's all in the
Funds.
Clerk. Yes, but what Stock ?
Unprotected Female {in a tone intended to inspire respect). In the
Government Securities, every farthing of it.
Clerk {suddenly). Oh! you've got your Stock receipts there. Let
me look. [Holding his hand.
Unprotected Female (suspiciously). Oh, but Mr. Jones said I wasn't.
Thev 're my securities.
Clerk {half amused, half hopeless arriving at a result). Hold 'em
tight, Ma'am; only let me look. Longs, and Three-and-a-Quarters.
{Makes out the warrant for the Long Annuities' Stock.) Now, sign there,
Ma'am. {Pushes the Dividend Book over to her. Unprotected Female
is about to write her name promiscuously.) No, no. Opposite there
—So.
Unprotected Female {suddenly seized with a qualm). But you'll
pay me ?
Clerk. Dear, dear, dear! Now, sign there. {Giving her the warrant.)
So. (Signs.) Now, take that to the Rotunda, and they '11 give you
the money.
Unprotected Female. Oh, but can't you, please? I'd rather have
it here.
Clerk. No. We don't pay here. There, it's that round room you
came through.
Unprotected Female. Oh, but I asked there as I came on, and they
wouldn't.
Clerk. But they will now, if you show 'em that. Now do go, Ma'am.
These gentlemen are waiting.
[Pointing to a group which has been jointly and severally consigning
the Unprotected Female to very unpleasant places during
the above colloquy.
Unprotected Female {very humbly to the group). I'm sure I'm very
sorry—But Mr. Jones—{Her explanation is cut short by a rush of
Payees; and she wanders back to the Rotunda. Addressing First
Clerk, who has his hands full already). Please could you pay me my
dividends ?
Mderly Gentleman. Wait a moment, Madam.
Unprotected Female. They said you would if I showed you this.
[Holding up warrant. Elderly Gentleman is disposed of.
Unprotected Female. Oh ! please, could you ?—
Brisk Cterk. There's three before you, old lady.
[Brisk Clerk: is disposed of.
Unprotected Femalt Now, if you please—
Severe Widow {with much asperity.) I beg you '11 wait for your turn,
Ma'am.
Unprotected Female (in a tone of dignified retort). Oh ! by all means,
Ma'am. (Severe Widow is disposed of.) Now, please, my dividends.
[Hands over warrant.
Harassed Clerk {snappishly). How do you make it ?
Unprotected Female. Oh ! I didn't make it. It was my poor Uncle
Thomas left it to me.
Harassed Clerk (glaring at her as with a desire to a?mihilate her). Add
it up. How ruueh is it ?
Unprotected Female {with a ray of intelligence). Oh ! it's £289 Is. Ofi.
But I don't mind the copper.
Harassed Clerk (flinging back the warrant). It's only for £200.
Unprotected Female. Oh! then they've cheated me. I thought they
would. Here are my securities. [Shows Stock Certificates.
Harassed Clerk {comprehending at a glance). £200 in Longs, the rest
in Three-and-a-quarters. If vou bring the warrant for the rest I'll pay
you. You can only have £200 on this—
Unprotected Female {clasping her hands in despair). Oh, they didn't
give me anything but that, and they said you'd pay me if I showed it
you—and now you won't—Oh—
Harassed Clerk {on the verge of an explosion). Bless the woman!
Unprotected Female {passing suddenly from the depths of despair to
the summit of felicity). Oh, there's Mr. Jones ! Oh, Mr. Jones !
[Rushes towards that individual who enters the Rotunda; all but
falls into his arms, and the Scene closes on her rapture of relief.
HALVING THE CENTURY.
* ust now our table
is cracking and
groaning under a
heap of letters on
both sides of the
i controversy about
the completion of
the first half of
1 the century. One
correspondent il-
I lustrates his view
| by proposing that
we should drink
'- the half of a hun-
( dred barrels of
! stout in as many
j) years, and informs
/ us that half the
hundred barrels
will have been
c^y_j^^3 iiWJ drunk so soon,
~^~=^-~--^:x^~^^<^a^^sS^^ but only so soon,
as the last pot of
the fiftieth barrel shall have been swallowed. Our only objection to
this mode of determining the question is, that he has not sent, us
the means of trying his experiment. We may apply similar observa-
tions to the propositions of those who ask us to smoke so many bundles
of cigars, eat so much cheese, and wear out so many suits of clothes in
half a century. The quantities of these articles are represented as
given quantities, but all we can say is, that we have not received any
of them. As to the matter in dispute, we need only remark, that if
the year 1800 was the first year of the century, 1801 was the second
year, 1849 the fiftieth, and the present year of grace, 1850, is the fifty-
first. If not, then otherwise. To us, the question would seem per-
fectly clear, but for the following communication, which, being brief,
we publish in extenso:—
"Mr. Punch,
" My cousin Bridget, to my knowledge, was born on January
1, 1800. If we are now beginning the second half of the century, she
must just have entered her fifty-first year. Yet a lady's word is unde-
niable ; and all who have been acquainted with Biddy for the last 20
years can testify that, during all that time, she has declared herself to be
only thirty.
" Your constant reader,
" Tempus Fugit."
Rogues in Grain.
A Correspondent of the Times says, with reference to " Servants'
Poundage," " I know of one corn-dealer who invariably sends to his
west-end customers three and three quarters for four bushels in every
sack." If we were so treated by our ccm-dealer through the
connivance of our groom, we would send the former his corn back again,
and give the latter the sack.