DOI Heft:
January to June, 1850
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16605#0120
112
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE GUARDSMAN'S UNBIASSED OPINION UPON
MR. COBDEN.
^Delivered at the Mess aftei Dinner.)
should like to have the
handling of him. Wouldn't
I give it him ! I wouldn't
spare him, I can tell you !
I should like to have him
for my flunky for a week,
that's all—he shouldn't
forget it soon. I would
wear ten pair of boots
every day, that he might
have the bother of clean-
ing them. What can he
know about the armyP
Why doesn't he come
amongst us ? I only wish
he would. Wouldn't we
give it him, my boys! We
would show him a new
light or two, and send him
home in a wheelbarrow.
I can't help laughing, but
I think 1 know of a plan
that would sicken him.
We would put him next to
the Major, and if his old
jokes didn't punish him
in less than naif an hour, he is lost to all sense of feeling. Nothing
is too bad for that fellow. By Jingo! I wouldn't give a tin
sixpence for the best commission in the service if he was at the
head of affairs to-morrow. I'd sooner buy into the Police Eorce, and
turn officer in the Blues, than wear moustaches under such a man.
It's my firm opinion he wants to make us rise from the ranks, and do
away with commissions altogether,—a pretty state of things there would
be then. I think I shall sell out at once, for I've no idea of seeing a
Cotton Lord at the head of the regiment, and of taking wine with a
Colonel after he had been choking me with Devil's-dust. If I had my
way, I would pack Mb. Cobden and all his gang out of the country.
He is a dangerous firebrand that must be extinguished, or he '11 be burn-
ing us all out of our berths. However, he's too ignorant, luckily, to do
much harm, and if ever he comes acoss my path I'll double him up
like a Gibus hat, in no time—and then I will carry him under my arm
to Almack's, to show the world what a regular flat he is. So much for
Cobden, and now, my boys, I'm any man's game for blind-hookey,
lansquenet, or a throw with the bones, or a short pipe, or anything you
please, my .little dears, from a dog-fight to a bowl of brandy-punch."
Splitting the Difference.
The Morning Herald, in speaking of M. Carnot, in its paper of the
14th, calls him "a half cynical, half mystical, half Yoi/TATRrAN, half
Johan Paul Richter enthusiast." We always considered Carnot
a sort of incarnation of the " entire animal " doctrine, but if we are to
believe the Herald, he is one of the most half-and-half of republicans.
It is evident that, in the event of future misconduct, a man of so
many halves will be allowed no quarter; and though we do not quite
see the force of the Herald's arithmetic, in assigning four halves to
one man, still on the principle of his being a man beside himself, the
anomaly may be perhaps accounted for.
NOOKS AND CORNERS OE CHARACTER.
Weights and Measures for the Million.
One pound of chalk makes two gallons of milk.
Two twigs of birch broom—one ounce of tea.
Three ounces of sand—half a pound of sugar.
One stick of Spanish liquorice—two pots of porter.
Twenty noisy boys—one infuriated beadle.
Six. friends in the pit—one blaze of triumph.
Eight Protectionist facts—one falsehood.
something beyond a joke.
Many persons involved in the Railway Mania of 1845 have asked
whether the applicants for Shares, and the Directors of a defunct
Company, are m the same position. They certainly are not, the differ-
ence being, that, while the Committee-men are ill-at-ease, the share-
seekers are simply all-ott-ees, which makes all the difference.
THE MAN WHO STOPS THE BOTTLE,
If you notice, there is sure to be one man at the table who is always
stopping the bottle.
This man has peculiarities so patent, that we are confident there is a.
race of men who are born Bottle-Stoppers.
The Bottle-Stopper is generally a poor, inanimate, dull creature,
who sits, scarcely stirs, and never speaks—or, if he speaks, he stammers,
unless he stutters, when he is sure to blush double-crimson-deep. He
is both nervous and absent,—so that, if he is recalled to his senses, his
nervousness, upon being made conscious he is in the company of ladies
and gentlemen, is more painful to witness than his absence,—so, of the
two, it is much better to let him remain absent.
In appearance he is awkward, and cannot carve without throwing
something off the dish. He wears a white neckcloth, that has contracted
a ludicrous habit of twisting round his neck.
In intelligence, his countenance is not unlike a male ballet-dancer's,
but there the likeness stops, for the Bottle-Stopper never smiles, or
grins, in the same bewitching manner that the ballet-dancer does, when
he is pleased. Ail kind of animation seems to have absconded from his
pale face long ago. He looks much more likely to cry than to laugh; so,,
if you are wise, you will not attempt the latter for fear of succeeding
in the former.
Let the conversation be ever so brisk, he never appears to listen. His
thoughts, if he has any, are out of the room. The jokes may fly about
in all directions, but he is following a blue-bottle along the ceiling, or
else building a red-hot castle in the coals. He is only awakened from his
studies by a powerful entreaty to " pass the bottle; " when he rubs his
eyes to see where he is.
As a matter of course, the Bottle-Stopper has not the smallest
taste for wine. His ignorance in this respect is something con-
temptible. An unmarried lady knows more of champagne than he does.
The youngest man of the party, who is rubbing up for a pair of whiskers,
can tell a fine glass of port, with a higher knowledge of its goodness,
than he can. When asked to fill his glass, he helps himself to the bottle
that is nearest to him, without any reference to the wine he has been
drinking last. Red or white—sparkling or still—Rhioe wine or French
wine—it is all the same to him. If it was table beer—or no better than
Soyer's Nectar—he would drink it all the same.
As the Bottle-Stopper never says a word, he is not much spoken
to. He would not be noticed at all, if it were not for hi3 unfortunate
propensity to keep the bottle constantly by his side. This propensity
only elicits a playful observation at first, but as the error is repeated
every time the bottle travels round, he is sharply called to order by
some bald-headed, elderly gentleman, who begs of him, in a military
voice, to "Look a little more alive, and send round the port." These
reprimands grow sharper at each new offence, till at last the Bottle-
Stopper is happy to escape the moment " coffee " is announced, leaving
the elderly gentleman and his portly compeers to denounce him as a
"stupid fellow," as soon »s his back is turned.
He is not more lively with the ladies than with the gentlemen. He
takes refuge in some large portfolio of prints, and disappears myste-
riously during some heavy ordnance pLce of music, letting himself
quietly out of the street-door. A week afterwards he leaves his card,
and is never seen again.
The Bottle-Stopper is simply a hand-and-fork automaton thaf. is
invited out to dinner. He is as little moved by beautiful music as he is
by the generous influence of wine. He neither sings nor dances, and
seems to excel but in one thing, and that is dreaming. The wonder is,,
he ever is found at a dinner-table at all, for he is neither useful nor
ornamental, and the general apology for stupidity cannot be made in his
favour, for he is not even rich. The secret must be, that ha is invited
at the last minute to fill up the gap made by the unavoidable absence of
some better invitation.
What the Bottle-Stopper may be in private life, we have no means
of knowing, and we are rather glad of it. But we can imagine him to
be always in arrear wir.h his rent, never to eat his dinner till it is-
perfectly cold, to be plunged in the darkest ignorance with regard to
bills, insurances, and all commercial transactions, and never by any
accident to kee^ an appointment, or recollect a single thing he ha&
promised. He is the sort of man who would invite twenty persons_ to
dinner, and then forget everything about it. We can fancy his starting
for the Derby on a Thursday morning, or if there was an eclipse to-day,,
that he would be rushing out to see it to-morrow. After all, he is as
harmless as he is simple; only, as a general rule, we should say : " Never
sit next to the Bottle-Stopper at dinner, if you possiblv can
avoid it."
P.S. We have dined at many hundred tables, and have known, in our
varied " mahogany " experience, many hundred Bottle-Stoppers, but
we must say, in justice to a much-calumniated country, that we have
never met with an Irishman yet who was a Bottle-Stopper !
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE GUARDSMAN'S UNBIASSED OPINION UPON
MR. COBDEN.
^Delivered at the Mess aftei Dinner.)
should like to have the
handling of him. Wouldn't
I give it him ! I wouldn't
spare him, I can tell you !
I should like to have him
for my flunky for a week,
that's all—he shouldn't
forget it soon. I would
wear ten pair of boots
every day, that he might
have the bother of clean-
ing them. What can he
know about the armyP
Why doesn't he come
amongst us ? I only wish
he would. Wouldn't we
give it him, my boys! We
would show him a new
light or two, and send him
home in a wheelbarrow.
I can't help laughing, but
I think 1 know of a plan
that would sicken him.
We would put him next to
the Major, and if his old
jokes didn't punish him
in less than naif an hour, he is lost to all sense of feeling. Nothing
is too bad for that fellow. By Jingo! I wouldn't give a tin
sixpence for the best commission in the service if he was at the
head of affairs to-morrow. I'd sooner buy into the Police Eorce, and
turn officer in the Blues, than wear moustaches under such a man.
It's my firm opinion he wants to make us rise from the ranks, and do
away with commissions altogether,—a pretty state of things there would
be then. I think I shall sell out at once, for I've no idea of seeing a
Cotton Lord at the head of the regiment, and of taking wine with a
Colonel after he had been choking me with Devil's-dust. If I had my
way, I would pack Mb. Cobden and all his gang out of the country.
He is a dangerous firebrand that must be extinguished, or he '11 be burn-
ing us all out of our berths. However, he's too ignorant, luckily, to do
much harm, and if ever he comes acoss my path I'll double him up
like a Gibus hat, in no time—and then I will carry him under my arm
to Almack's, to show the world what a regular flat he is. So much for
Cobden, and now, my boys, I'm any man's game for blind-hookey,
lansquenet, or a throw with the bones, or a short pipe, or anything you
please, my .little dears, from a dog-fight to a bowl of brandy-punch."
Splitting the Difference.
The Morning Herald, in speaking of M. Carnot, in its paper of the
14th, calls him "a half cynical, half mystical, half Yoi/TATRrAN, half
Johan Paul Richter enthusiast." We always considered Carnot
a sort of incarnation of the " entire animal " doctrine, but if we are to
believe the Herald, he is one of the most half-and-half of republicans.
It is evident that, in the event of future misconduct, a man of so
many halves will be allowed no quarter; and though we do not quite
see the force of the Herald's arithmetic, in assigning four halves to
one man, still on the principle of his being a man beside himself, the
anomaly may be perhaps accounted for.
NOOKS AND CORNERS OE CHARACTER.
Weights and Measures for the Million.
One pound of chalk makes two gallons of milk.
Two twigs of birch broom—one ounce of tea.
Three ounces of sand—half a pound of sugar.
One stick of Spanish liquorice—two pots of porter.
Twenty noisy boys—one infuriated beadle.
Six. friends in the pit—one blaze of triumph.
Eight Protectionist facts—one falsehood.
something beyond a joke.
Many persons involved in the Railway Mania of 1845 have asked
whether the applicants for Shares, and the Directors of a defunct
Company, are m the same position. They certainly are not, the differ-
ence being, that, while the Committee-men are ill-at-ease, the share-
seekers are simply all-ott-ees, which makes all the difference.
THE MAN WHO STOPS THE BOTTLE,
If you notice, there is sure to be one man at the table who is always
stopping the bottle.
This man has peculiarities so patent, that we are confident there is a.
race of men who are born Bottle-Stoppers.
The Bottle-Stopper is generally a poor, inanimate, dull creature,
who sits, scarcely stirs, and never speaks—or, if he speaks, he stammers,
unless he stutters, when he is sure to blush double-crimson-deep. He
is both nervous and absent,—so that, if he is recalled to his senses, his
nervousness, upon being made conscious he is in the company of ladies
and gentlemen, is more painful to witness than his absence,—so, of the
two, it is much better to let him remain absent.
In appearance he is awkward, and cannot carve without throwing
something off the dish. He wears a white neckcloth, that has contracted
a ludicrous habit of twisting round his neck.
In intelligence, his countenance is not unlike a male ballet-dancer's,
but there the likeness stops, for the Bottle-Stopper never smiles, or
grins, in the same bewitching manner that the ballet-dancer does, when
he is pleased. Ail kind of animation seems to have absconded from his
pale face long ago. He looks much more likely to cry than to laugh; so,,
if you are wise, you will not attempt the latter for fear of succeeding
in the former.
Let the conversation be ever so brisk, he never appears to listen. His
thoughts, if he has any, are out of the room. The jokes may fly about
in all directions, but he is following a blue-bottle along the ceiling, or
else building a red-hot castle in the coals. He is only awakened from his
studies by a powerful entreaty to " pass the bottle; " when he rubs his
eyes to see where he is.
As a matter of course, the Bottle-Stopper has not the smallest
taste for wine. His ignorance in this respect is something con-
temptible. An unmarried lady knows more of champagne than he does.
The youngest man of the party, who is rubbing up for a pair of whiskers,
can tell a fine glass of port, with a higher knowledge of its goodness,
than he can. When asked to fill his glass, he helps himself to the bottle
that is nearest to him, without any reference to the wine he has been
drinking last. Red or white—sparkling or still—Rhioe wine or French
wine—it is all the same to him. If it was table beer—or no better than
Soyer's Nectar—he would drink it all the same.
As the Bottle-Stopper never says a word, he is not much spoken
to. He would not be noticed at all, if it were not for hi3 unfortunate
propensity to keep the bottle constantly by his side. This propensity
only elicits a playful observation at first, but as the error is repeated
every time the bottle travels round, he is sharply called to order by
some bald-headed, elderly gentleman, who begs of him, in a military
voice, to "Look a little more alive, and send round the port." These
reprimands grow sharper at each new offence, till at last the Bottle-
Stopper is happy to escape the moment " coffee " is announced, leaving
the elderly gentleman and his portly compeers to denounce him as a
"stupid fellow," as soon »s his back is turned.
He is not more lively with the ladies than with the gentlemen. He
takes refuge in some large portfolio of prints, and disappears myste-
riously during some heavy ordnance pLce of music, letting himself
quietly out of the street-door. A week afterwards he leaves his card,
and is never seen again.
The Bottle-Stopper is simply a hand-and-fork automaton thaf. is
invited out to dinner. He is as little moved by beautiful music as he is
by the generous influence of wine. He neither sings nor dances, and
seems to excel but in one thing, and that is dreaming. The wonder is,,
he ever is found at a dinner-table at all, for he is neither useful nor
ornamental, and the general apology for stupidity cannot be made in his
favour, for he is not even rich. The secret must be, that ha is invited
at the last minute to fill up the gap made by the unavoidable absence of
some better invitation.
What the Bottle-Stopper may be in private life, we have no means
of knowing, and we are rather glad of it. But we can imagine him to
be always in arrear wir.h his rent, never to eat his dinner till it is-
perfectly cold, to be plunged in the darkest ignorance with regard to
bills, insurances, and all commercial transactions, and never by any
accident to kee^ an appointment, or recollect a single thing he ha&
promised. He is the sort of man who would invite twenty persons_ to
dinner, and then forget everything about it. We can fancy his starting
for the Derby on a Thursday morning, or if there was an eclipse to-day,,
that he would be rushing out to see it to-morrow. After all, he is as
harmless as he is simple; only, as a general rule, we should say : " Never
sit next to the Bottle-Stopper at dinner, if you possiblv can
avoid it."
P.S. We have dined at many hundred tables, and have known, in our
varied " mahogany " experience, many hundred Bottle-Stoppers, but
we must say, in justice to a much-calumniated country, that we have
never met with an Irishman yet who was a Bottle-Stopper !