DOI Heft:
January to June, 1850
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16605#0151
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
143
Unprotected Female {innocently). You know it can't make any matter.
They 're quite honest people, and they'll never come again for the money.
Attorney. Bat you've subjected yourself to a heavy pjnalty, Ma'am.
You were bound to take a receipt, with date, testator's name, exor's
name, legatee's name, amount and rate of duty. Dear, dear, this is very
serious!
Unprotected Female {tearfully). Oh—how is a poor woman to know ?
But nobody will ever find out.
Attorney. Then the legatees are liable to a penalty for not giving: the
receipt. They'll be down on those poor servants, at the Legacy Duly
Office. And there'll be the ten per cent, on the legacy to pay perhaps
—dear me, this is very unfortunate.
Unprotected Female {in utter despair). Oh—why did Aunt Smithers
leave me her executrix ? Why didn't she pay the servants their legacies
before she died ? Oh—What is to be done ? I wish somebody—
[The door opens softly, and Mr. Jones appears. Unprotected
Female feels that a higher power has interfered in her behalf,
and rushes to receive him.
Mr. Jones {smilingly). Do I interrupt business, eh?
Unprotected Female. Oh—Mb. Jones—oh, no—oh, I'm so thankful
you're come. Oh—do look at all those papers! you can't think how
glad I am to see you. {To Attobney.) Oh, if you 'donly tell Mb. Jones
all you've told me, he'd understand it, and act for me—won't you,
please, Mb. Jones ? It's Aunt Smithebs's will.
Mr. Jones {who has long felt a curiosity about that document). With
pleasure, my dear Madam—with the greatest pleasure.
Unprotected Female {all but giving way). Because, you know, a woman
can't be expected to understand these things, and I've no male relations
{blushing) to advise me—and I've been doing everything wrong, it
seems—and exposing myself to,-penalties, and vouchers, and things—and
I don't know anything about it; but if you'll talk to Mb. Smabt, my
solicitor. {To Mb. Smabt.) This is Mb. Jones, Mb. Smart. {To
Mb. Jones.) I dare say you can understand Mb. Smart. Oh—now, do.
Mr. Jones {gallantly). To save you any trouble, my dear Miss
Stbuggles, is a pride and a pleasure—now, Mb. Smart, let's see the
papers.
[Smart and Jones begin threading the legal labyrinth, Me Unpro-
tected Female sits by, looking with admiration at Jones, and
listening with childlike faith to his remarks.—Scene closes.
THE CORNISH CADIS.
We have not yet quite abandoned the habits of our forefathers.
There are boots and breeches among us yet, and the latter sit at the
seat of justice, and the former walk in her paths, and the 'squires within
them here and there, in quiet nooks and corners of the island, still ad-
minister 'squirearchical justice. Of this consolatory fact here is a little
piece of evidence, furnished by the Times reporter on the Western
Circuit, writing from B'dmin :—
" Before we take leave of this place, we would again call attention to a circumstance
which, perhaps, may be considered by many to be a most extraordinary interference
with the liberty of the subject. We find among the prisoners in the gaol on former
orders, ' William Quick, committed the 15th of September, 1848, for a breach of the
peace, for two years, or until he shall find sureties for his good behaviour; William
Wtolet, committed the 8th of May, 1849, a breach of the peace, for twelve calendar
months, or until he shall find sureties ; John Wall, the 5th of February, 1850, a breach
of the peace, for twelve calendar months, or until he shall find sureties.' "
Now the peace is a valuable commodity, but two years virtual im-
prisonment for its breakage is rather excessive damages. What next. ?
We shall hear, perhaps, of the magistrates of' Cornwall confiscating
offenders' goods and chattels, or ordering delinquents to be bastinadoed
a la Cadi, ad libitum. It would not be surprising if these gentlemen
were to set up a little extra-legal gallows, and carry out, thereon, their
peculiar views of penal discipline.
Pro Omnibus Bibo.
The American Ambassador, on refurning th mks for his health at
the Mansion House, said on Easter Monday, that,
" When the loving cup went round, he drank for 22,000,000 < f his
countrymen."
The reports say, "Drunk with all the honours;" and really after
such a draught as tbat, we do not wonder at it.
But suppose every Ambassador drank to the same extent, the Lord
Mayor would have to provide drink for all the world! A Mansion
House dinner would be quite " an Exhibition of the Drinkin^ Industrv
of all Nations." ° J
my sole's in arms.
A Letteb from Sweden says that there is an order for the navy to
fae immediately put " on a war footing." We suppose that the sailors
will all have to wear Bluchers or Wellingtons, which is our idea—
rather a literal one perhaps—of a war footing.
THE QUARTER'S REVENUE.
he returns of the Revenue are
now before us; and to those
who are fond of a puzzle, com-
posed of the mystification of an
array of figures and facts, we
can promise an hour's treat, in
a contemplation of ihe official
document. The best of it is,
that it is a puzzle which never
ends, for the Returns may be
returned to again and again
without any solution of the
mystery. We are happy to be
told that the result is satisfac-
tory, though the balance is on
the wrong side; but we can-
,not very well understand what
there is satisfactory in a reduc-
tion of income ; and, when we
come to details, the following
is ihe result of all we can
gather:—
The Customs have decreased,
from a scarcity, we suppose,
of customers, and there has
been a falling off in _ sugar,—
the sweet tooth of John Bull having failed to exert its usual influence.
Gram and flour have also produced less,—so that the contents of the
sack have sympathised with the saccharine. In the Excise there has
been additional consumption,—so that the depression complained of has
not materially affected the spirits, and poverty has had its gin, if it has
also had its bitters. The Assessed Taxes seem to have been paid more
promptly than usual, and the gatherer has no doubt had his patience
less tried, and been able to keep himself and his rates more thoroughly
collected.
The Income-Tax seems to be in an undulating state, for one year it
goes "up, up, up," and another year it goes "down, down, down,"
but for the Quarter just ended, we have returns that, look like
increased profits. There is a decrease of £8000 in the Post-Office,
which, if we may be allowed to adopt the usual mysterious style of
analysing official statements, would show a diminution in letters
amounting, when divided by 26, to a falling off of 307 and a fraction, on
every letter of the alphabet.
Though the revenue has decreased on the quarter, it has increased
on the year, and so long as on a series of diminishing quarters we get
an augmented total, we suppose we have nothing to complain of. The
revenue seems to have a good deal of the frothy buoyancy of a pot of beer,
which, though decidedly deficient in quantify, may be made, by a proper
adjustment of a " head," to wear the aspect of refreshing redundancy.
We have a word or two to say about the Income-Tax, which has
taken a sudden start that may—or may not—be thus accounted for.
Taking the whole in round numbers—and we will, for the sake of
uniformity, use round numbers only—at 000,000,000, it is fair to con-
clude that every circle—of the nine we have embraced—is recovering
from the crisis.
With reference to the decrease, it must be remembpred we have had
no China money this year, nor have we received anything from the River
Plate, so that the Chancellob of the Exchequer's plate and china
closets are getting equally empty. In looking at other commodities
we must embrace the whole of them at once, for we cannot take coffee
without sugar, nor should we think of getting rum into our heads till
we had discussed the loaf, and some other articles of general consump-
tion. When the chaff is separated from the corn, when the grain in the
husk feels the full benefit of the principles of Husejsson, when the
fancy loaf is as free as the brick, henceforth to be released from duty,
then, and not till then, will English Industry have fair play and fair
work, for all work and no play has made Jack Bull more dull than he
ought to be.__
The London Pharmacopoeia.
Napoleon, talking of medicine, said, "Water, Air, and Cleaiiliness,
are the chief articles in my Pharmacopoeia." But if Napoleon had
lived in London, his Pharmacopoeia would have been very badly
stocked; for nei'her its air nor its water can be recommended, from
their excessive purity, for cleanliness ; though, at the same time,
we must confess that the water of the Thames is, in its way. "a
perfect drug."
reflection of a london sight-seer.
I wouldn't give two-pence to see St. Paul's—if the Dean and
Chapter didn't make me.
143
Unprotected Female {innocently). You know it can't make any matter.
They 're quite honest people, and they'll never come again for the money.
Attorney. Bat you've subjected yourself to a heavy pjnalty, Ma'am.
You were bound to take a receipt, with date, testator's name, exor's
name, legatee's name, amount and rate of duty. Dear, dear, this is very
serious!
Unprotected Female {tearfully). Oh—how is a poor woman to know ?
But nobody will ever find out.
Attorney. Then the legatees are liable to a penalty for not giving: the
receipt. They'll be down on those poor servants, at the Legacy Duly
Office. And there'll be the ten per cent, on the legacy to pay perhaps
—dear me, this is very unfortunate.
Unprotected Female {in utter despair). Oh—why did Aunt Smithers
leave me her executrix ? Why didn't she pay the servants their legacies
before she died ? Oh—What is to be done ? I wish somebody—
[The door opens softly, and Mr. Jones appears. Unprotected
Female feels that a higher power has interfered in her behalf,
and rushes to receive him.
Mr. Jones {smilingly). Do I interrupt business, eh?
Unprotected Female. Oh—Mb. Jones—oh, no—oh, I'm so thankful
you're come. Oh—do look at all those papers! you can't think how
glad I am to see you. {To Attobney.) Oh, if you 'donly tell Mb. Jones
all you've told me, he'd understand it, and act for me—won't you,
please, Mb. Jones ? It's Aunt Smithebs's will.
Mr. Jones {who has long felt a curiosity about that document). With
pleasure, my dear Madam—with the greatest pleasure.
Unprotected Female {all but giving way). Because, you know, a woman
can't be expected to understand these things, and I've no male relations
{blushing) to advise me—and I've been doing everything wrong, it
seems—and exposing myself to,-penalties, and vouchers, and things—and
I don't know anything about it; but if you'll talk to Mb. Smabt, my
solicitor. {To Mb. Smabt.) This is Mb. Jones, Mb. Smart. {To
Mb. Jones.) I dare say you can understand Mb. Smart. Oh—now, do.
Mr. Jones {gallantly). To save you any trouble, my dear Miss
Stbuggles, is a pride and a pleasure—now, Mb. Smart, let's see the
papers.
[Smart and Jones begin threading the legal labyrinth, Me Unpro-
tected Female sits by, looking with admiration at Jones, and
listening with childlike faith to his remarks.—Scene closes.
THE CORNISH CADIS.
We have not yet quite abandoned the habits of our forefathers.
There are boots and breeches among us yet, and the latter sit at the
seat of justice, and the former walk in her paths, and the 'squires within
them here and there, in quiet nooks and corners of the island, still ad-
minister 'squirearchical justice. Of this consolatory fact here is a little
piece of evidence, furnished by the Times reporter on the Western
Circuit, writing from B'dmin :—
" Before we take leave of this place, we would again call attention to a circumstance
which, perhaps, may be considered by many to be a most extraordinary interference
with the liberty of the subject. We find among the prisoners in the gaol on former
orders, ' William Quick, committed the 15th of September, 1848, for a breach of the
peace, for two years, or until he shall find sureties for his good behaviour; William
Wtolet, committed the 8th of May, 1849, a breach of the peace, for twelve calendar
months, or until he shall find sureties ; John Wall, the 5th of February, 1850, a breach
of the peace, for twelve calendar months, or until he shall find sureties.' "
Now the peace is a valuable commodity, but two years virtual im-
prisonment for its breakage is rather excessive damages. What next. ?
We shall hear, perhaps, of the magistrates of' Cornwall confiscating
offenders' goods and chattels, or ordering delinquents to be bastinadoed
a la Cadi, ad libitum. It would not be surprising if these gentlemen
were to set up a little extra-legal gallows, and carry out, thereon, their
peculiar views of penal discipline.
Pro Omnibus Bibo.
The American Ambassador, on refurning th mks for his health at
the Mansion House, said on Easter Monday, that,
" When the loving cup went round, he drank for 22,000,000 < f his
countrymen."
The reports say, "Drunk with all the honours;" and really after
such a draught as tbat, we do not wonder at it.
But suppose every Ambassador drank to the same extent, the Lord
Mayor would have to provide drink for all the world! A Mansion
House dinner would be quite " an Exhibition of the Drinkin^ Industrv
of all Nations." ° J
my sole's in arms.
A Letteb from Sweden says that there is an order for the navy to
fae immediately put " on a war footing." We suppose that the sailors
will all have to wear Bluchers or Wellingtons, which is our idea—
rather a literal one perhaps—of a war footing.
THE QUARTER'S REVENUE.
he returns of the Revenue are
now before us; and to those
who are fond of a puzzle, com-
posed of the mystification of an
array of figures and facts, we
can promise an hour's treat, in
a contemplation of ihe official
document. The best of it is,
that it is a puzzle which never
ends, for the Returns may be
returned to again and again
without any solution of the
mystery. We are happy to be
told that the result is satisfac-
tory, though the balance is on
the wrong side; but we can-
,not very well understand what
there is satisfactory in a reduc-
tion of income ; and, when we
come to details, the following
is ihe result of all we can
gather:—
The Customs have decreased,
from a scarcity, we suppose,
of customers, and there has
been a falling off in _ sugar,—
the sweet tooth of John Bull having failed to exert its usual influence.
Gram and flour have also produced less,—so that the contents of the
sack have sympathised with the saccharine. In the Excise there has
been additional consumption,—so that the depression complained of has
not materially affected the spirits, and poverty has had its gin, if it has
also had its bitters. The Assessed Taxes seem to have been paid more
promptly than usual, and the gatherer has no doubt had his patience
less tried, and been able to keep himself and his rates more thoroughly
collected.
The Income-Tax seems to be in an undulating state, for one year it
goes "up, up, up," and another year it goes "down, down, down,"
but for the Quarter just ended, we have returns that, look like
increased profits. There is a decrease of £8000 in the Post-Office,
which, if we may be allowed to adopt the usual mysterious style of
analysing official statements, would show a diminution in letters
amounting, when divided by 26, to a falling off of 307 and a fraction, on
every letter of the alphabet.
Though the revenue has decreased on the quarter, it has increased
on the year, and so long as on a series of diminishing quarters we get
an augmented total, we suppose we have nothing to complain of. The
revenue seems to have a good deal of the frothy buoyancy of a pot of beer,
which, though decidedly deficient in quantify, may be made, by a proper
adjustment of a " head," to wear the aspect of refreshing redundancy.
We have a word or two to say about the Income-Tax, which has
taken a sudden start that may—or may not—be thus accounted for.
Taking the whole in round numbers—and we will, for the sake of
uniformity, use round numbers only—at 000,000,000, it is fair to con-
clude that every circle—of the nine we have embraced—is recovering
from the crisis.
With reference to the decrease, it must be remembpred we have had
no China money this year, nor have we received anything from the River
Plate, so that the Chancellob of the Exchequer's plate and china
closets are getting equally empty. In looking at other commodities
we must embrace the whole of them at once, for we cannot take coffee
without sugar, nor should we think of getting rum into our heads till
we had discussed the loaf, and some other articles of general consump-
tion. When the chaff is separated from the corn, when the grain in the
husk feels the full benefit of the principles of Husejsson, when the
fancy loaf is as free as the brick, henceforth to be released from duty,
then, and not till then, will English Industry have fair play and fair
work, for all work and no play has made Jack Bull more dull than he
ought to be.__
The London Pharmacopoeia.
Napoleon, talking of medicine, said, "Water, Air, and Cleaiiliness,
are the chief articles in my Pharmacopoeia." But if Napoleon had
lived in London, his Pharmacopoeia would have been very badly
stocked; for nei'her its air nor its water can be recommended, from
their excessive purity, for cleanliness ; though, at the same time,
we must confess that the water of the Thames is, in its way. "a
perfect drug."
reflection of a london sight-seer.
I wouldn't give two-pence to see St. Paul's—if the Dean and
Chapter didn't make me.