DOI issue:
January to June, 1850
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16605#0181
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
173
THE PROSE R.
SI SAYS and discoubses by db solomon pacifico.
II.—ON THE PLEASURES OF BEING A FOGY.
hilst T was riding the other day
by the beautiful Serpentine River
upon my excellent friend Heavy-
side's grey cob, and in company
of the gallant and agreeable
Augustus Toplady, a carriage
passed from which looked out a
face of such remarkable beauty,
that Augustus and myself quick-
ened our pace to follow the ve-
hicle, and to keep for awhile
those charming features in view.
My beloved and unknown young
friend who peruse these lines, it
was very likely your face which
attracted your humble servant;
recollect whether you were not
in the Park upon the day I allude
to, and if you were, whom else
could I mean but you? I don't
know your name; I have for-
gotten the arms on the carriage,
or whether there were any ; and
as for women's dresses, who can
remember them ? but your dear
kind countenance was so pretty
and good-humoured and pleasant
to look at, that it remains to this
day faithfully engraven on my heart, and I feel sure that you are as good
as you are handsome. Almost all handsome women are good: they
cannot choose but be good and gentle with those sweet features and
that charming graceful figure. A day in which one sees a very pretty
woman should always be noted as a holyday with a man, and marked
with a white stone. In this way, and at this season in London, to be
sure, such a day comes seven times in the week, and our calendar, like
that of the Roman Catholics, is all Saints' days.
Toplady, then, on his chesnut horse, with his glass in his eye, and
the tips of his shiny boots just touching the stirrup, and your slave, the
present writer, (who by the way is rather better and younger looking
than the designer has made hiui) rode after your carriage, and looked at
you with such notes of admiration expressed in their eyes, that you
remember you blushed, you smiled, and then began to talk to that very
nice-looking elderly lady in tho front seat, who of course was your
Mamma. You turned out of the ride—it was time to go home and
dress for dinner,—you were gone. Good luck go with you, and with
all fair things which thus come and pass away!
Top caused his horse to cut all sorts of absurd capers and caracoles
by the side of your carriage. He made it dance upon two legs, then
upon other two, then as if he would jump over the railings and crush
the admiring nursery-maids and the rest of the infantry. I should
think he got his animal from Batty's, and that, at a crack of Widdi-
COMb's whip, he could dance a quadrille. He ogled, he smiled, he
took off his hat to a Countess's carriage that happened to be passing
in the other line, and so showed his hair; he grinned, he kissed his little
finger-tips and flung them about as if he would shake them off—
whereas the other party, on the grey cob—the old gentleman—pow-
dered along at a resolute trot, and never once took hig respectful eyes
off you while you continued in the ring.
When you were gone (you see by the way in which I linger about
you still, that I am unwilling to part with you) Toplady turned round
upon me with a killing triumphant air, and stroked that impudent little
tuft he has on his chin, and said—" I say, old boy, it was the chesnut
she was looking a', and not thegway" And I make no doubt he
thinks you are in love with him to this minute.
" You silly young jackanapes," said I; "what do I care whether she
was looking at the grey or the chesnut ? I was thinking about the
girl; you were thinking about yourself, and be hanged to your vanity!"
And with this thrust in his little chest, I flatter myself I upset young
Toplady, that triumphant careering rider.
It was natural that he should wish to please ; that is, that he should
wish other people to admire him. Augustus Toplady is young (still)
and lovely. It is not until a late period of life that a genteel young
fellow, with a Grecian nose and a suitable waist and whiskers, begins
to admire other people besides himself.
That, however, is the great advantage which a man possesses whose
morning of life is over, whose reason is not taken prisoner by any kind
of blandishments, and who knows and feels that he is a FOGY. As an
old buck is an odious sight, absurd, and ridiculous before gods and
men ; cruelly, but deservedly, quizzed by you young people, who are I Bully
not in the least duped by his youthful airs or toilette artifices; so an
honest, good-natured, straight-forward, middle-aged, easily-pleased
Fogy is a worthy and amiable member of society, and a man who gets
both respect and liking.
Even in the lovely sex, who has not remarked how painful is that
period of a woman's life when she is passing out of her bloom, and
thinking about giving up her position as a beauty ? What sad injustice
and stratagems she has to perpetrate during the struggle ! She hides
away her daughters in the school-room, she makes them wear cruel
pinafores, and dresses herself in the garb which they ought to assume.
She is obliged to distort the calendar, and to resort to all sorts of
schemes and arts to hide, in her own person, the august and respectable
marks of time. Ah! what is this revolt against nature but impotent
blasphemy ? Is not Autumn beautiful in its appointed season, that we
are to be ashamed of her and paint her yellowing leaves pea-green ? Let
us, I say, take the fall of the year as it was made, serenely and sweetly,
and await the time when Winter comes and the nights shut in. I
know, for my part, many ladies who are far more agreeable and more
beautiful too, now that they are no longer beauties ; and, by converse,
I have no doubt that Toplady, about whom we were speaking just
now, will be a far pleasanter person when he has given up the practice,
or desire, of killing the other sex, and has sunk into a mellow repose as
an old bachelor or a married man.
The great and delightful advantage that a man enjoys in the world,
after he has abdicated all pretensions as a conqueror and enslaver of
females, and both formally, and of his heart, acknowledges himself to
be a Fogy, is that he now comes for the first time to enjoy and appre-
ciate duly the soeiety of women. For a young man about town, there is
only one woman in the whole city—(at least very few indeed of the
young Turks, let us hope, dare 1o have two or three strings to their
wicked bows)—he goes to ball after ball in pursuit of that one person;
he sees no other eyes but hers; hears no other voice; cares for no
other petticoat but that in which his charmer dances : he pursues her
—is refused—is accepted and jilted: breaks his heart, mends it, of
course, and goes on again after some other beloved being, until in the
order of fate and nature he marries and settles, or remains unmarried,
free, and a Fogy. Until then we know nothing of women—the kind-
ness and refinement and wit of the eiders; the artless prattle and dear
little cha'ter of the young ones; all these are hidden from us
until we take the Fogy's degree: nay, even perhaps from married
men, whose age and gravity entitles them to rank amongst Fogies;
for every woman, who is worth anything, will be jealous of her
husband up to seventy or eighty, and always prevent his intercourse
with other ladies. But an old bachelor, or better still, an old widower,
has this delightful entree into the female world: he is free to come, to
go: lo listen: to joke: to sympathise: to talk with mamma about her
plans and troubles : to pump from Miss the little secrets that^ gush so
easily from her pure little well of a heart: the ladies do notgener them-
selves before him, and he is admitted to their mysteries like the Doctor,
the Confessor, or the Kislar Aga.
What man who can enjoy this pleasure and privilege ought to be in-
different to it P If the society of one woman is delightful, as the young
fellows think and justly, how much more delightful is the society of a
thousand ! One woman, for instance, has brown eyes, and a geological
or musical turn; another has sweet blue eyes, and takes, let us say, the
Gobhah side of the controversy, at present pending; a third darling,
with long fringed lashes hiding eyes of hazel, lifts them up ceiling-
wards in behalf of Miss Sellon, thinks the Lobd Chief Justice has
hit the poor young lady very hard in publishing her letters, and
proposes to quit the Church next Tuesday or Wednesday, or when-
ever Mb. Obiel is ready—and, of course, a man may be in love
with one or the other of these. But it is manifest that brown
eyes will remain brown eyes to the end, and that, haviDg no other
interest but music or geology, her conversation on those points
may grow more than sufficient. Sapphiba, again, when she has said
her say with regard to the Gobham affair, and proved that the other
party are but Romanists in disguise, and who is interested on no other
subject, may possible tire you—so may Hazelia, who is working altar-
cloths all day, and would desire no better martyrdom than to walk bare-
foot in a night procession up Sloane Street and home by Wilton Place,
time enough to get her poor meurtris little feet into white satin slippers
for the night s ball—I say, if a man can be wrought up to rapture, and
enjoy bliss in the company of any one of these young ladies, or any other
individuals in the infinite variety of Miss-kind—how much real sym-
pathy, benevolent pleasure, and kindly observation may he enjoy, when
he is allowed to be familiar with the whole charming race, and behold
the brightness of all their different eyes, and listen to the sweet music
of their various voices!
england s good name.
Oub late proceedings in Greece have induced foreign nations to make
a little alteration in our national nick-name, by adding a letter to it.
Instead of calling us John Bull, they now everywhere style us John
173
THE PROSE R.
SI SAYS and discoubses by db solomon pacifico.
II.—ON THE PLEASURES OF BEING A FOGY.
hilst T was riding the other day
by the beautiful Serpentine River
upon my excellent friend Heavy-
side's grey cob, and in company
of the gallant and agreeable
Augustus Toplady, a carriage
passed from which looked out a
face of such remarkable beauty,
that Augustus and myself quick-
ened our pace to follow the ve-
hicle, and to keep for awhile
those charming features in view.
My beloved and unknown young
friend who peruse these lines, it
was very likely your face which
attracted your humble servant;
recollect whether you were not
in the Park upon the day I allude
to, and if you were, whom else
could I mean but you? I don't
know your name; I have for-
gotten the arms on the carriage,
or whether there were any ; and
as for women's dresses, who can
remember them ? but your dear
kind countenance was so pretty
and good-humoured and pleasant
to look at, that it remains to this
day faithfully engraven on my heart, and I feel sure that you are as good
as you are handsome. Almost all handsome women are good: they
cannot choose but be good and gentle with those sweet features and
that charming graceful figure. A day in which one sees a very pretty
woman should always be noted as a holyday with a man, and marked
with a white stone. In this way, and at this season in London, to be
sure, such a day comes seven times in the week, and our calendar, like
that of the Roman Catholics, is all Saints' days.
Toplady, then, on his chesnut horse, with his glass in his eye, and
the tips of his shiny boots just touching the stirrup, and your slave, the
present writer, (who by the way is rather better and younger looking
than the designer has made hiui) rode after your carriage, and looked at
you with such notes of admiration expressed in their eyes, that you
remember you blushed, you smiled, and then began to talk to that very
nice-looking elderly lady in tho front seat, who of course was your
Mamma. You turned out of the ride—it was time to go home and
dress for dinner,—you were gone. Good luck go with you, and with
all fair things which thus come and pass away!
Top caused his horse to cut all sorts of absurd capers and caracoles
by the side of your carriage. He made it dance upon two legs, then
upon other two, then as if he would jump over the railings and crush
the admiring nursery-maids and the rest of the infantry. I should
think he got his animal from Batty's, and that, at a crack of Widdi-
COMb's whip, he could dance a quadrille. He ogled, he smiled, he
took off his hat to a Countess's carriage that happened to be passing
in the other line, and so showed his hair; he grinned, he kissed his little
finger-tips and flung them about as if he would shake them off—
whereas the other party, on the grey cob—the old gentleman—pow-
dered along at a resolute trot, and never once took hig respectful eyes
off you while you continued in the ring.
When you were gone (you see by the way in which I linger about
you still, that I am unwilling to part with you) Toplady turned round
upon me with a killing triumphant air, and stroked that impudent little
tuft he has on his chin, and said—" I say, old boy, it was the chesnut
she was looking a', and not thegway" And I make no doubt he
thinks you are in love with him to this minute.
" You silly young jackanapes," said I; "what do I care whether she
was looking at the grey or the chesnut ? I was thinking about the
girl; you were thinking about yourself, and be hanged to your vanity!"
And with this thrust in his little chest, I flatter myself I upset young
Toplady, that triumphant careering rider.
It was natural that he should wish to please ; that is, that he should
wish other people to admire him. Augustus Toplady is young (still)
and lovely. It is not until a late period of life that a genteel young
fellow, with a Grecian nose and a suitable waist and whiskers, begins
to admire other people besides himself.
That, however, is the great advantage which a man possesses whose
morning of life is over, whose reason is not taken prisoner by any kind
of blandishments, and who knows and feels that he is a FOGY. As an
old buck is an odious sight, absurd, and ridiculous before gods and
men ; cruelly, but deservedly, quizzed by you young people, who are I Bully
not in the least duped by his youthful airs or toilette artifices; so an
honest, good-natured, straight-forward, middle-aged, easily-pleased
Fogy is a worthy and amiable member of society, and a man who gets
both respect and liking.
Even in the lovely sex, who has not remarked how painful is that
period of a woman's life when she is passing out of her bloom, and
thinking about giving up her position as a beauty ? What sad injustice
and stratagems she has to perpetrate during the struggle ! She hides
away her daughters in the school-room, she makes them wear cruel
pinafores, and dresses herself in the garb which they ought to assume.
She is obliged to distort the calendar, and to resort to all sorts of
schemes and arts to hide, in her own person, the august and respectable
marks of time. Ah! what is this revolt against nature but impotent
blasphemy ? Is not Autumn beautiful in its appointed season, that we
are to be ashamed of her and paint her yellowing leaves pea-green ? Let
us, I say, take the fall of the year as it was made, serenely and sweetly,
and await the time when Winter comes and the nights shut in. I
know, for my part, many ladies who are far more agreeable and more
beautiful too, now that they are no longer beauties ; and, by converse,
I have no doubt that Toplady, about whom we were speaking just
now, will be a far pleasanter person when he has given up the practice,
or desire, of killing the other sex, and has sunk into a mellow repose as
an old bachelor or a married man.
The great and delightful advantage that a man enjoys in the world,
after he has abdicated all pretensions as a conqueror and enslaver of
females, and both formally, and of his heart, acknowledges himself to
be a Fogy, is that he now comes for the first time to enjoy and appre-
ciate duly the soeiety of women. For a young man about town, there is
only one woman in the whole city—(at least very few indeed of the
young Turks, let us hope, dare 1o have two or three strings to their
wicked bows)—he goes to ball after ball in pursuit of that one person;
he sees no other eyes but hers; hears no other voice; cares for no
other petticoat but that in which his charmer dances : he pursues her
—is refused—is accepted and jilted: breaks his heart, mends it, of
course, and goes on again after some other beloved being, until in the
order of fate and nature he marries and settles, or remains unmarried,
free, and a Fogy. Until then we know nothing of women—the kind-
ness and refinement and wit of the eiders; the artless prattle and dear
little cha'ter of the young ones; all these are hidden from us
until we take the Fogy's degree: nay, even perhaps from married
men, whose age and gravity entitles them to rank amongst Fogies;
for every woman, who is worth anything, will be jealous of her
husband up to seventy or eighty, and always prevent his intercourse
with other ladies. But an old bachelor, or better still, an old widower,
has this delightful entree into the female world: he is free to come, to
go: lo listen: to joke: to sympathise: to talk with mamma about her
plans and troubles : to pump from Miss the little secrets that^ gush so
easily from her pure little well of a heart: the ladies do notgener them-
selves before him, and he is admitted to their mysteries like the Doctor,
the Confessor, or the Kislar Aga.
What man who can enjoy this pleasure and privilege ought to be in-
different to it P If the society of one woman is delightful, as the young
fellows think and justly, how much more delightful is the society of a
thousand ! One woman, for instance, has brown eyes, and a geological
or musical turn; another has sweet blue eyes, and takes, let us say, the
Gobhah side of the controversy, at present pending; a third darling,
with long fringed lashes hiding eyes of hazel, lifts them up ceiling-
wards in behalf of Miss Sellon, thinks the Lobd Chief Justice has
hit the poor young lady very hard in publishing her letters, and
proposes to quit the Church next Tuesday or Wednesday, or when-
ever Mb. Obiel is ready—and, of course, a man may be in love
with one or the other of these. But it is manifest that brown
eyes will remain brown eyes to the end, and that, haviDg no other
interest but music or geology, her conversation on those points
may grow more than sufficient. Sapphiba, again, when she has said
her say with regard to the Gobham affair, and proved that the other
party are but Romanists in disguise, and who is interested on no other
subject, may possible tire you—so may Hazelia, who is working altar-
cloths all day, and would desire no better martyrdom than to walk bare-
foot in a night procession up Sloane Street and home by Wilton Place,
time enough to get her poor meurtris little feet into white satin slippers
for the night s ball—I say, if a man can be wrought up to rapture, and
enjoy bliss in the company of any one of these young ladies, or any other
individuals in the infinite variety of Miss-kind—how much real sym-
pathy, benevolent pleasure, and kindly observation may he enjoy, when
he is allowed to be familiar with the whole charming race, and behold
the brightness of all their different eyes, and listen to the sweet music
of their various voices!
england s good name.
Oub late proceedings in Greece have induced foreign nations to make
a little alteration in our national nick-name, by adding a letter to it.
Instead of calling us John Bull, they now everywhere style us John