DOI issue:
July to December, 1850
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16606#0050
42
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
WE MUST ALL BOW TO CIRCUMSTANCES.
e have no objection
to bow to circum-
stances, like all the
rest of the world,
but we must say,
that there is some-
thing rather un-
pleasant in being
obliged to bow
under such a very
disagreeable cir-
cumstance as the
lowering of a
steamboat funnel
on to your head,
in passing through
abridge. We have
frequently found
ourselves under
the painful neces-
sity of nursing in
our lap a large iron
chimney, suddenly
thrown upon our
knees, or we have
been exposed to
the reception in our face of a tremendous volume of smoke, discharged from the
mouth of a steamboat funnel, brought unexpectedly flush with our eyes, nose, and
mouth, as we were admiring the architecture of one of the Metropolitan bridges.
NAPOLEON CROSSING THE ALPS.
This grand historical sight may be seen three or four nights a week at the
Surrey Zoological Gardens: Napoleon crosses the Alps in a manner that is not
mentioned, we believe, by Thiers, or Bourrienne, or Sir Walter Scott, or
" Chambers' Tracts" or any other historian. The manner in which he effects it is
by sliding on at a slow pace across a large sheet of water, and, as he is on horse-
back, the reading, it will be clear, is quite a new one. What lake there is up in the
Alps we do not know; and whether Napoleon crossed it on his celebrated white
horse, which seems to have had a wonderful talent for standing on his Mud legs,
we have looked into every kind of history, including the authentic versions
published every year at Franconi's and Astley's, but cannot find, to our disap-
pointment, the smallest record of the fact. However, as Napoleon did everything
differently from everybody else, it is very probable that he did as he is represented,
or that he would have done so, if there had been a lake. Another curious circum-
stance is, that Napoleon crossed the Alps amidst a brilliant display of fireworks
—so brilliant a display, in fact, that if it had taken place at the elevation of Mont
St. Bernard, or Mont Blanc, or from any other of the great heights to which
Napoleon's ambition delighted to climb, the reflection must have been seen all
over Europe; and the result would have been that Mr. Braidwood would have
been gallopping for days all over England with his engines in search of the fire.
We have always understood that Napoleon crossed the Alps in the daytime, for
the ascent would have been too perilous at night with a horse like the one David
has given him, which must, in one of its extraordinary amphitheatrical jambades,
have tumbled, rider and all, over the first precipice that came in its way; and
if Napoleon did cross in the daytime, it is very clear he never would have done it
in the company of a grand display of fireworks, the effect of which would have
been perfectly lost. Napoleon was not so fond of hiding his candle under a
bushel as to burn ten thousand Roman candles in the broad daylight. He was
quite clever enough to know that a kind of jeti like that certainly ne valait pas
la chandelle, or at least so many chandelles.
Beyond this, we must say the coup-d'ceil is very good; and if Napoleon had
to go over the Alps again, there is no doubt that, knowing the love the Erench have
for theatrical display, he would give orders to have it performed in perfectly a
similar manner to the one Messrs. Danson and Sotjthby have so cleverly
THINGS EOR A GERMAN TO CALCULATE.
We always thought that an American was the best person
to calculate; but it seems that there is in London an extra-
ordinary " Calculating German." We have not yet had the
pleasure of hearing this wonderful Deutscher, who, we are
told, throws sums and figures about, and catches them
as skilfully as Ramo Samee did cannon-balls, but we take
the liberty of proposing to him the following simple calcula-
tions, to which we shall be too happy to receive the proper
answers.
Will he be kind enough to tell us—
When the Great German Empire is likely to be founded,
and what city is likely to be the capital of it ?
When those facts are ascertained beyond the fraction of a
doubt, if he would endeavour to calculate the longest
period the said German Empire is likely to last, and,
supposing it lasts six months, how far distant that great
fact will be from the Millennium of the world ?
How often has Austria committed bankruptcy, and what
is the sum total of its several bankruptcies, and whether it
is capable of paying a kreutzer in the pound ?
What is the number of political prisoners in Austria,
Prussia, and the little despotic principalities of Germany ?
Calculate what good the long-denounced, long-delayed
Constitution has done Prussia, and whether it was worth
while waiting so very long for so very little ?
Calculate the revenue Nassau and Baden-Baden derive
from their own resources, and tell us how many times
greater or lesser they are than the revenues they draw from
those German " sinks of iniquity," the gaming-tables ?
Ascertain, if you can, and tell us the name of the German
who does not smoke ?
Also ascertain, and pray tell us once for all, "Was ist das
Vaterlandf" —for we have heard it many hundred times,
but we never could make out.
THE MONSTER STRAWBERRY.
trawberries have now-a-clays
such "greatness thrust upon
them "Try the application of
the forcing process at the
hands of the? gardener, that
it is quite alarming. So
tremendous has been the size
j of some of these specimens
of enormity which we have
' witnessed, that we are quite
sure there would not have
been room for more than one
in a bed of these gigantic
Strawberries. If the system
of forcing is applied _ gene-
rally to all other fruits, as
it has been to the Straw-
berry, we shall be having
the common cherry weighing
a stone, and the bigaroon
growing bigger and bigger,
until "two bites at a cherry "
will no longer be regarded
as an absurdity.
Exhibition of Industry.
The Exhibition of Industry, as far as it has gone, shows
^ the following results:—
arranged for him; altlouglTwe doubt'ifh^WOTMride across a lake on horseba^;! The Industry of complaining, and the Industry of finding
and we have our misgivings, also, whether he would allow his Grand Marechal fault, and the Industry of making mistakes, but witn very
Julllen—and a Marechal Jtjllien certainly is in his way, for has he not his little Industry to repair them
baton?—to play "God save the Queen" just as the last discharge of Catherine
wheels were running about like mad, in the astonished atmosphere.
With these small exceptions, we are positive that Napoleon would not wish to
cross the Alps m better style than he does three or four times a week at that
grand shilling'sworth of beasts, flowers, music, and fireworks—the Surrey Zoological.
The Expense op Equity—Lord Cottenham is about to retire upon 50007.
per annum—deservmg it, to be sure, as much as an Ex-Chancellor could do.
Itns is the usual superannuation allowance of Lord Chancellors—or Lord High.
Chancellors, as they are more properly called, for certainly they do run very high.
There has also been a wonderful Industry in collecting
money, but a shameful lack of Industry on the part of those
who have the means to pay, and ought to pay, but somehow
will not pay._______
the polly of a night.
This Sunday-letter-stoppage business has become so
absurd, that it is almost wanting in good sense to treat
it seriously ; so we recommend that some great elocutionist,
Mr. Jones, Mr. John Cooper, or Mr. Frederick Web-
ster, be deputed to wait upon the Post-Office, and try to
cure it of the ridiculous " impediment in its delivery."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
WE MUST ALL BOW TO CIRCUMSTANCES.
e have no objection
to bow to circum-
stances, like all the
rest of the world,
but we must say,
that there is some-
thing rather un-
pleasant in being
obliged to bow
under such a very
disagreeable cir-
cumstance as the
lowering of a
steamboat funnel
on to your head,
in passing through
abridge. We have
frequently found
ourselves under
the painful neces-
sity of nursing in
our lap a large iron
chimney, suddenly
thrown upon our
knees, or we have
been exposed to
the reception in our face of a tremendous volume of smoke, discharged from the
mouth of a steamboat funnel, brought unexpectedly flush with our eyes, nose, and
mouth, as we were admiring the architecture of one of the Metropolitan bridges.
NAPOLEON CROSSING THE ALPS.
This grand historical sight may be seen three or four nights a week at the
Surrey Zoological Gardens: Napoleon crosses the Alps in a manner that is not
mentioned, we believe, by Thiers, or Bourrienne, or Sir Walter Scott, or
" Chambers' Tracts" or any other historian. The manner in which he effects it is
by sliding on at a slow pace across a large sheet of water, and, as he is on horse-
back, the reading, it will be clear, is quite a new one. What lake there is up in the
Alps we do not know; and whether Napoleon crossed it on his celebrated white
horse, which seems to have had a wonderful talent for standing on his Mud legs,
we have looked into every kind of history, including the authentic versions
published every year at Franconi's and Astley's, but cannot find, to our disap-
pointment, the smallest record of the fact. However, as Napoleon did everything
differently from everybody else, it is very probable that he did as he is represented,
or that he would have done so, if there had been a lake. Another curious circum-
stance is, that Napoleon crossed the Alps amidst a brilliant display of fireworks
—so brilliant a display, in fact, that if it had taken place at the elevation of Mont
St. Bernard, or Mont Blanc, or from any other of the great heights to which
Napoleon's ambition delighted to climb, the reflection must have been seen all
over Europe; and the result would have been that Mr. Braidwood would have
been gallopping for days all over England with his engines in search of the fire.
We have always understood that Napoleon crossed the Alps in the daytime, for
the ascent would have been too perilous at night with a horse like the one David
has given him, which must, in one of its extraordinary amphitheatrical jambades,
have tumbled, rider and all, over the first precipice that came in its way; and
if Napoleon did cross in the daytime, it is very clear he never would have done it
in the company of a grand display of fireworks, the effect of which would have
been perfectly lost. Napoleon was not so fond of hiding his candle under a
bushel as to burn ten thousand Roman candles in the broad daylight. He was
quite clever enough to know that a kind of jeti like that certainly ne valait pas
la chandelle, or at least so many chandelles.
Beyond this, we must say the coup-d'ceil is very good; and if Napoleon had
to go over the Alps again, there is no doubt that, knowing the love the Erench have
for theatrical display, he would give orders to have it performed in perfectly a
similar manner to the one Messrs. Danson and Sotjthby have so cleverly
THINGS EOR A GERMAN TO CALCULATE.
We always thought that an American was the best person
to calculate; but it seems that there is in London an extra-
ordinary " Calculating German." We have not yet had the
pleasure of hearing this wonderful Deutscher, who, we are
told, throws sums and figures about, and catches them
as skilfully as Ramo Samee did cannon-balls, but we take
the liberty of proposing to him the following simple calcula-
tions, to which we shall be too happy to receive the proper
answers.
Will he be kind enough to tell us—
When the Great German Empire is likely to be founded,
and what city is likely to be the capital of it ?
When those facts are ascertained beyond the fraction of a
doubt, if he would endeavour to calculate the longest
period the said German Empire is likely to last, and,
supposing it lasts six months, how far distant that great
fact will be from the Millennium of the world ?
How often has Austria committed bankruptcy, and what
is the sum total of its several bankruptcies, and whether it
is capable of paying a kreutzer in the pound ?
What is the number of political prisoners in Austria,
Prussia, and the little despotic principalities of Germany ?
Calculate what good the long-denounced, long-delayed
Constitution has done Prussia, and whether it was worth
while waiting so very long for so very little ?
Calculate the revenue Nassau and Baden-Baden derive
from their own resources, and tell us how many times
greater or lesser they are than the revenues they draw from
those German " sinks of iniquity," the gaming-tables ?
Ascertain, if you can, and tell us the name of the German
who does not smoke ?
Also ascertain, and pray tell us once for all, "Was ist das
Vaterlandf" —for we have heard it many hundred times,
but we never could make out.
THE MONSTER STRAWBERRY.
trawberries have now-a-clays
such "greatness thrust upon
them "Try the application of
the forcing process at the
hands of the? gardener, that
it is quite alarming. So
tremendous has been the size
j of some of these specimens
of enormity which we have
' witnessed, that we are quite
sure there would not have
been room for more than one
in a bed of these gigantic
Strawberries. If the system
of forcing is applied _ gene-
rally to all other fruits, as
it has been to the Straw-
berry, we shall be having
the common cherry weighing
a stone, and the bigaroon
growing bigger and bigger,
until "two bites at a cherry "
will no longer be regarded
as an absurdity.
Exhibition of Industry.
The Exhibition of Industry, as far as it has gone, shows
^ the following results:—
arranged for him; altlouglTwe doubt'ifh^WOTMride across a lake on horseba^;! The Industry of complaining, and the Industry of finding
and we have our misgivings, also, whether he would allow his Grand Marechal fault, and the Industry of making mistakes, but witn very
Julllen—and a Marechal Jtjllien certainly is in his way, for has he not his little Industry to repair them
baton?—to play "God save the Queen" just as the last discharge of Catherine
wheels were running about like mad, in the astonished atmosphere.
With these small exceptions, we are positive that Napoleon would not wish to
cross the Alps m better style than he does three or four times a week at that
grand shilling'sworth of beasts, flowers, music, and fireworks—the Surrey Zoological.
The Expense op Equity—Lord Cottenham is about to retire upon 50007.
per annum—deservmg it, to be sure, as much as an Ex-Chancellor could do.
Itns is the usual superannuation allowance of Lord Chancellors—or Lord High.
Chancellors, as they are more properly called, for certainly they do run very high.
There has also been a wonderful Industry in collecting
money, but a shameful lack of Industry on the part of those
who have the means to pay, and ought to pay, but somehow
will not pay._______
the polly of a night.
This Sunday-letter-stoppage business has become so
absurd, that it is almost wanting in good sense to treat
it seriously ; so we recommend that some great elocutionist,
Mr. Jones, Mr. John Cooper, or Mr. Frederick Web-
ster, be deputed to wait upon the Post-Office, and try to
cure it of the ridiculous " impediment in its delivery."