Punch: Punch (21.1851)

32

PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

HOW TO GET ON IN THE ARMY.

vekyone who considers the mat-
ter must see that the shortest
road to promotion in the British
Army is by way of the Conti-
nent. The best of it is, that the
promotion is not only very rapid,
but the service extremely light;
for it is possible to take rank
whilst on half-pay, and, indeed,
in some cases, without having
held any commission in the army.
The moment a retired lieutenant
finds himself in a continental
town, he can, if he pleases, ad-
vance himself to the highest
rank, without the sanction of
the Horse Guards being either
asked or required. The result
is, that Italy and France, as well
as other countries, are overrun with Generals, Major-Generals, Colonels,
and other military heroes ; whose names, however, by some extraor-
dinary omission, are not to be found in the Army List.

The same principle seems to apply to the advance of aristocracy,
among the English, abroad, many of whom become elevated in the most
extraordinary manner to Baronies and Earldoms, of which Burke and
Debrett, by some curious oversight, have failed to take cognisance.
It is also a remarkable fact, that the further off the parties may be, the
higher is their position in the Peerage. We should like to see all the
Lords called in occasionally, like the damaged sixpences, for we suspect
that in the latter case, as well as in the former, the spurious issue
frequently passes current for the genuine metal.

AN ITALIAN CHURCH IN LONDON.

The Pope, considering us Londoners with the like feelings of pity
and love that moved another Pope to compassionate the flaxen British
boys—the pink-cheeked, faar-haired pagans in the Roman market—has
resolved that a magnificent church shall be built in the very best part
of London. Whether Pio Nono resolves personally to lay the first
stone, or whether he will delegate that glory to Cardinal Wiseman,
we know not; but the decree is gone forth, and a church will be built;
a church to be governed " by a congregation of Italian secular priests
founded at Rome, that the Roman spirit may influence the same." We
are getting on: when may we expect II Bambino to be carried in
state to Westminster ?

But Punch has to suggest to his old friend the Pope a plan by which
time may be_ saved. At the quickest, many months must elapse ere
the new Italian Church can be erected. Wherefore, then, not at once
purchase the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane ? Certain we are that the
persons empowered to sell would let the fabric go cheap—dog-cheap.
Really, the structure is worth his Holiness's notice; deserves the
Pope's eye. The scenery and machinery, pantomime tricks, and so
forth, with a very little expense, would be convertible to Papal uses;
and possession—we doubt not —obtained immediately.

It is true that Drury Lane Theatre is not, according to the conditions
of the Pope, "in a fine position in one of the most majestic streets in
the city," but it is, nevertheless, a magnificent fabric, and may no
doubt be had a bargain.

And whereas it has been by some contended that Shakspeare was
at heart a true Catholic, let the Pope accept or make that fact, and
late Drury Lane Theatre, once become an Italian Church, be duly
dedicated to " San Guglielmo."

" VENUS'S LOOKING-GLASS " IN THE WINTER GARDEN.

By all means convert the Crystal Palace into a Winter Garden. If
you incur expenditure thereby, you will diminish consumption. What
an advantage will such a place of resort afford to the out-patients of
Brompton Hospital! Here will be a morning's draught, of Madeira
(air) in December, procurable, in a few minutes, by a phthisical patient
in any part of London. " Oh ! this dreadful cough will be—ha, ha !—
cureu in a week." Mr. Pa.xton will then have built a conservatory, not
only for the industry of all nations, but for the health of our own
citizens. Well; but if this magnificent project is carried out, we
believe the boarding of the side aisles of the edifice will be removed,
and glass put in its place. In that case we suggest that the glass
should be coated on the outside with an amalgam of quicksilver. The
interior of it will then present a series of reflecting surfaces—in point
of fact, of mirrors—and besides trees, and shrubs, and flowers, the
building will always afford agreeable objects of contemplation to ladies.

PROTECTION TO BARRISTERS.

We understand that a League is in contemplation, under the title of
the Anti-Cheap-Law League, the object of which is to give protection
to the British barrister. Mr. Briefless has met Mr. Dunup once
or twice at the latter's chambers, once or twice at his own, and on two
occasions, the two learned gentlemen have met each other half way—
on the staircase—with the view of talking over and arranging the pre-
liminaries of a League that is to give protection to the British barrister.
Mr. Briesless, m a speech of considerable force, addressed the
meeting—formed by his meeting Mr. Dunup on the stairs—and
pointed out the loss of dignity to the Bar which must arise from the
cheapening of that commodity, of which Westminster Hall had for
years enjoyed the happy monopoly.

Mr. Dunup, in an eloquent burst of feeling, spoke of the disastrous
state of prices, and alluded to the fact that a suit which would have
once cost £40 was now to be disposed of for 40*.

Mr. Briefless read extracts from his fee-book for the last year,
consisting of nothing but blanks, and payments, or rather liabilities, to
his clerk, while Mr. Dunup produced an immense sensation by
pulling out of his pocket four (unsettled) bills for the last four years'
charges at the Robing Room. Mr. Briefless then proposed, and
Mr. Dunup seconded the proposition, that an attempt should be made
to place the ruined barrister before the public in the same way as that
which had been adopted in calling general attention to the ruined
farmer—for it was the belief of both of the learned gentlemen that the
ruined lawyer would make quite as splendid a ruin in the public eye as
the ruined agriculturist.

It is a curious fact that in this as well as in other Protectionist
combinations, the principles of protection as applicable to the public
pocket, seem to be altogether lost sight of.

We may add, that Mr. Dunup, having been worried by his creditor's
" little accounts," the learned gentleman has proceeded under the
" Winding-up Act."

Church Intelligence.

It is said that the Bench of Bishops are so convinced by the reason-
ing of the Marquess of Blandford of the necessity of an addition to
their number, that they propose to form new bishoprics out of their
own funds. As thus: the Bishop of London will divide his income
with two other new bishops. We have heard of the corpulent person
who seemed " three single gentlemen rolled into one." Well, we shall
have an episcopal unrolling ; a sinsle bishop of £30,000 a year unrolled
into three single bishops of £10,000 each.

Conundrum for the Crystal Palace.

Why are the Russian malachites in the Great Exhibition like young
gentlemen who have just come into a lot of money ?
Because they are all green and gold.