Punch: Punch (21.1851)

74

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE CRYSTAL FESTIVAL IN PARIS.

Paris and London embrace,
and give and take the kiss
of peace under the re-
membered dome of the
Crystal Palace. In the
Hotel de Ville, Paris, are
celebrated the triumphant
utilities of the world-wide
fair of Hyde Park. All
folks of all degrees asso-
ciated with the origin and
completion of the great
work, are invited to eat,
cirink, dance, gaze, and be
Serry at the cost of the

RAILWAY DIALOGUES.

I An Elderly Lady, very nervous.
First Class Passengers. < A Youno Gentleman, full of the Exhibition
( A Ditto, Ditto.

First Gentleman. You are speaking of the gold-embroidered cope ?
Very noble, was it not ? And that beautiful crosier of jewels ?

Second Gentleman. Yes; the canonicals, take them all in all, are exces-
sively costly ; but the crosier scarcely seemed to me rich enough.
Elderly Lady {to herself, very frightened). Jesuits !

[Screens herself with her pocket-book).
First Gentleman [after a pause). Did you examine the instruments in
the North Gallery ?

Second Gentleman. With particular attention. I liked that sphsero-
annular Condenser, and admired some Theodolites exceedingly; and a
new kind of Scalping-Knife seized my fancy wonderfully; as well as a
Telekerephona, which was very curious. Did you try the Persuasive
French Republic. The pro- Bone-crusher ?
gramme of the festivities is Elderly Lady {very faint). Will you allow me to open this window, Sir ?
very Ml andvery various. ^ Second Gentleman. With pleasure, Madam—{continuing). It's a pity

if you did not try it. The action of it is sweetly pretty;—as well as an
improved Salmometer, which I examined, and-

A dinner and a concert on
the Saturday; waterworks
and fountains at Versailles,
-^S&^^T"" on Sundav; on the Monday,
a grand fete at St. Cloud,
under the patronising brow

of the President; on Tuesday, a ball—multitudinous as a geometric ; a person with.weak lungs

First Gentleman. That Zmickotimodai, for the waistcoat-pocket
wasn't bad ?

Second Gentleman. Nor the Autophlebotomon for children. But I
have my doubts whether the Lyra Ventura would not be too much for

dance of summer gnats—of 8000, shakes the foundations of the
Hotel de Ville; and on Wednesday, as a conclusion of fireworks
and finale of smoke—" A review and sham-fight in the Champ de
Mars!" Of all sham-fights that were ever feignedly fought, this
Wednesday fight—circumstances considered—should be registered as
the greatest sham of all. The powder white powder; noiseless, smoke-
less, the battle of a dream ; a visionary flash-in-the-pan, with no
true fire. Por, says the programme, the occasion of the visitors so
honoured and so regaled,—

" May do much k> cement the more intimate connection between the two nations,
whose mutual relations must be beneficial. In fact, following up the impression made
by the Grand Exhibition of Industry of all Nations, this visit to our Parisian neigh-
bours may be made the real Peace Congress, divested of long speeches and Utopian ideas."

There can be no doubt that the sham-fight was fought, not only in
honour of the Peace Congress, but in illustration of the madness and
folly of war, as set forth and preached at its gatherings. Mr. Cobden
might use the thousands of soldiers with their arms and artillery, even
as a lecturer employs manipulations to prove his arguments. " Imagine,"
says Mr. Cobden, " that these roaring guns have belched and
spluttered showers of shot into compact masses of human creatures ;
believe that those mortars have flung shells into a city, blowing up the
habitations of industrious men, and burying whole families in a fiery
tomb ! Behold the smoke cleared away; and then picture upon the
field ten thousand human creatures, dead, or dying, in every horrible
condition of human agony, and then make answer, and—as you are a
rational creature, endowed with an immortal soul for an immortal
destiny—say, wherefore such strife, such sacrifice, such cost of blood
and cost of wealth (which, wrung by taxation, may be blood, though
not shed in war)—when the ennobling aspirations of man should make
reason, not force, the arbitrator ? Brains, not balls—hearts, not
howitzers ? " And in this way, as we conceive, Mb,. Cobden, as a
member of the Crystal Palace Commission, may turn to profit the
sham-fight of the Champ-de-Mars.

Haply, too, Mr. Thomas Carlyle may eloquently preach thereon.
For has he not sent a letier—a veritable palm-leaf—to the Peace1
Congress sitting in Exeter Hall ? A letter in which—said the news-
paper reports—were weighty words of sympathy and approval ? There-
fore, it was not too much to hope that Carlyle himself, smiting with
root of olive tree, the hollow drum, would prove to a reflecting world
what an empty wind-box that tambour is !

"Long speeches and Utopian ideas ! " Poor Utopia; ever flung at
as a fiction, a flam; though in some way ever palpably under our feet
and roundabout us. Do we not live, and have firm footing in what
was the Utopia of our ancestors ? Call up George the Third : take
him a trip by the rail: let him receive a letter by the penny-post: then,
let him answer the aforesaid letter by electricity. Thus the Utopia
of inexperience, of prejudice, becomes the solid globe of practised
knowledge.

What a curious picture-gallery might be collected of the portraits of
succeeding Utopians ! Of such dreamers as Galileo and Hervey, and
Newton, and Jenner, and Watt, and Stephenson, and Wheatst.)Ne
and Rowland Hill, and—(he is now the newest; for he—poor
enthusiast—dreams of a Winter Garden)—and Joseph Paxton !

It would seem that the Lords, in resisting the admission of Jews
to Parliament, would convert every Jew so elected info a standing
joke, rather than allow him to be a sitting member.

Elderly Lady {paler and paler). Gentl-

First Gentleman {suddenly). There are some capital pistols downstairs.
Elderly Lady {groaning from corner of the carriage). Oh, dear !
Second Ge?dleman. Where ?

First Gentleman {pointing in the direction of a parcel, by the side of
which the Elderly Lady is sitting). Why, under the—that—

Elderly Lady {who has taken a ticket for Southampton). Here, Guard,
let me out instantly. I stop at Vauxhall.—'She is helped out, more dead
than alioe—and, as she is leaving, says, very acidly) Young gentlemen,
you ought to be ashamed of yourselves !

First Gentleman {when she has left). Curious old lady !

Second Gentleman. Very—but, d'ye know, I noticed something very
queer in her whilst we were talking. I think she was drunk.

[They resume their conversation as the train proceeds,

Uncle. "So, you've been to the Crystal Palace—Have you, Gus ?w
Gus. <: Yes, Uncle."

Uncle. "Well, now, I'll give you Sixpence if you will tell

me what you admired most in that temple of industry ? "

Gus. (unhesitatingly). " Veal and 'Am Pies, and the Ginger Beer.
Give us the Sixpence ! "

"Full Inside."

The Lowther Arcade, in wet weather, is always crowded with ladies
waiting for convevances. A facetious conductor of our acquaintance
calls it "The Haunt of the Rein-Deer."