DOI issue:
July to December, 1851
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16608#0133
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 131
WHO'LL BUY OUR INDULGENCES?
unch intends to open a shop for the Sale of
Indulgences. It is a good profitable busi-
ness, and we do not see why the Pope
should have the monopoly of it. The pro-
ceeds of the sale we intend, of course, to
devote to some good purpose. It will be
the purchase of a handsome estate — or
perhaps we may build a yacht with it, for
the purpose of beating the America. How-
ever, there will be no difficulty in spending
the money. The first consideration is to
get it, and when once we have got it, we
will pledge our words of honour that every
tarthing of it shall be spent. For fear of
any misunderstanding, however, we beg
most particularly to state that the very last
purpose to which the money is likely to be
applied, will be—a Cathedral!
This is the plan of Sale, which, after
mature consideration, we have determined
upon, as the one most conducive to our benefit.
For every husband who takes his wife to the sea-side, or abroad, we
will grant an Indulgence of domestic peace for the period he is absent
(rom home during his wife's pleasure.
To every Minister and Member of Parliament, who has worked hard
during the Session, we will award an Indulgence of grouse-shooting as
soon as the Session is over.
To every Lawyer who is honest, and to every Barrister who pleads
for the love of truth and not the love of money, we will grant an
Indulgence of a trip on the Continent during the Long Vacation.
To every Cabman, who does not charge a Foreigner more than twice
his fare, we will award an Indulgence of fourpence in every shilling.
To every lazy Schoolboy, who is born with a talent for getting
into mischief, we will grant an Indulgence of at least six weeks'
cessation of flogging—that is to say, providing his holidays continue
as long.
To every old maid, who abstains from scandal at a tea-party, we
will present the Indulgence of the strongest cup of tea.
To every gentleman, who gives himself the trouble of exposing the
impositions of cabmen and omnibus conductors, we will promise the
Indulgence of finding a policeman on all the occasions he will be in
want of one.
To every lady who buys a copy of Punch on crossing the Channel,
we will graciously award, as a special Indulgence, our most fervent
hopes that she may not be visited with sea-sickness, or detained more
than two hours at any English Custom-house.
The above Indulgences will be sold at the most moderate rate, at
No. 85, Fleet Street. The sale, we expect, will be something enormous;
and the proceeds we intend to devote, as we have honestly said, entirely
to our own benefit. If the English people are foolish enough to buy
Indulgences—and when a humbug is started, we think the English
people are foolish enough for anything—we do not see why we should
not reap the advantage of it as well as the Pope, or Cardinal Wise-
man, or Me,. Pugin, or any one else. So, with all our lungs, we cry,
" Who '11 buy—buy—buy—our fine Indulgences ? "
PEACE FOR IRELAND.
Foe the quadrature of the circle—pardon ! We mean for the paci-
fication of Ireland, a correspondent has sent us a very good suggestion.
Ihe Irish, he says, are continually abusing and opposing the Govern-
ment under which they live, and as constantly extolling that of the
■tope or Pome, and yearning for subjection to the papal despotism.
ihe Romans, on the other hand, he observes, are equally hostile to
the dominion of their Pontiff, and as anxiously desirous of a consti-
tutional government. These undutiful children of the " Holy Father,"
turned their poor Papa out of doors the other day, and would repeat
the deed were it in their power. Just so would the sons of Erin, if
they could, expel their Sassenach tyrants and oppressors.
He therefore proposes that—with the consent of the respective
parties, which would be a matter of course—Her Majesty should
exchange her Irish, lieges with the Pope, for the temporal subjects of
his Holiness.
This proposal looks very feasible. In addition to the pleasure of
wearing the " sweet yoke of Rome "—Inquisition and all—and of seeing
others who hate it obliged to wear it too—there would be that of
t +) tt1-? warmth of sunny Italy; which, to a considerable portion
01 the Hibernian population, would be the greatest in life. Said sunny
Italy is much too hot to hold the Romans, for whose constitution the air
ot Ireland would be considerably more suitable. The Queen would
acquire subjects who would be too happy to enjoy free institutions.
The Pope would gain vassals who would rejoice in kissing his shoes.
What arrangement could be more convenient for Queen, Pope, Paddy,
and the Roman people ?
But, recollect, there is a large proportion—much larger than is com-
monly supposed—of Irishmen, who are no Papists ; and the noise that
is made by the Pope's brass band is no criterion of the numbers of the
enemy's troops.
Moreover, it is a question, whether, if we wished to subvert the
papal power in Ireland, the proper plan would not be to establish
Popery there; and whether, if Irishmen became the lawful subjects of
the Pope, their most violent Papists would not all turn Protestants.
A NEW MINE FOR THE PENNY-A-LINERS.
The penny-a-liners have long ago exhausted the monstrosities of
the gooseberry, the precocities of the pea, and the other freaks in
which Nature has sometimes indulged for the purpose, apparently, of
supplying the newspapers with paragraphs. Starvation seemed staring
them in the face, when an ingenious member of the fraternity has
happily hit upon an idea, of which the following extract furnishes an
illustration:
" Colonel ■-of-, now in his 86th year, on Tuesday week was out with his
gun and dog, and after five hours sport returned home to dinner, with seven and a half
brace of grouse in. his game-bag, all shot by himself."
Here is sixpenn'orth for the penny-a-liner from an entirely new
source ; and we have no doubt we shall have a large crop of venerable
or late colonels to supply the deficiency in the harvest of early peas or
monster gooseberries. The public may expect the above specimen to
be followed by a glut of admirals of 106, having been on their legs for
27 hours at a stretch, and having bagged their hundred head of game,
without having hoisted a signal of distress of any kind.
ST. LOUIS AND LOUIS NAPOLEON AT ROME.
ind Pope Pius has paid an oblique
compliment to Louis Napoleon, the
President, through. Louis the
Twelfth, the Saint; whose fete day
was on the 25th ult. The saint's
festival was held with due pomp in
the Sacred College, the French Am-
bassador attending. We furtherlearn
that "a detachment of the 21st
Regiment of French Light Infantry,
with its band, occupied the nave ot
the Church." In the afternoon, the
Pope offered prayers in the chapel of
the holy monarch!
There is a significant delicacy in
the whole arrangement of the festival,
highly creditable to the Pope, and—
it cannot be otherwise—very flattering
to the President, whose saint's day
is marked with such especial favour. Very beautiful, too, the thought
that summoned " a detachment of the 21st Regiment of French Infantry"
to take part in the ceremony. They no doubt attended as repre-
sentatives of the whole French army ; and took—on the part of their
brotherhood inarms — an acknowledgment of that debt due to them
by the Pope, lifted back into his chair (at the best, by the way, an
uncomfortable hoist,) at the point of Gallic bayonets. Delightful is
thankfulness in high places. A fourth crown is gratitude to a Pope !
Thus, his Holiness mixed thanksgiving incense with French gun-
powder ; and —the band being present—with the praise of French
sanctity, did not forget French kettle-drums. It would be difficidt to
show to a pure imagination, a more delightful, more touching, more
earnest picture than that of the aforesaid detachment of the 21st
French Infantry; upon whom, no doubt of it, Saint Louis, on the
25th ult., was looking mistily down through seven centuries.
We earnestly trust that Louis the President, all the circumstances
considered, will take as peculiarly complimentary to himself, the attention
nominally paid to Louis the Saint.
Preferment in the Church.—We hear that the Reverend
Dennis Cahill is appointed Lord Bishop of Billingsgate.—From
the Pope's Eye.
What kind of Tables do Vegetarians keep?—Vege-tables.
The Most Unpleasant Visit of All.—Being visited with sea-
sickness !!!
WHO'LL BUY OUR INDULGENCES?
unch intends to open a shop for the Sale of
Indulgences. It is a good profitable busi-
ness, and we do not see why the Pope
should have the monopoly of it. The pro-
ceeds of the sale we intend, of course, to
devote to some good purpose. It will be
the purchase of a handsome estate — or
perhaps we may build a yacht with it, for
the purpose of beating the America. How-
ever, there will be no difficulty in spending
the money. The first consideration is to
get it, and when once we have got it, we
will pledge our words of honour that every
tarthing of it shall be spent. For fear of
any misunderstanding, however, we beg
most particularly to state that the very last
purpose to which the money is likely to be
applied, will be—a Cathedral!
This is the plan of Sale, which, after
mature consideration, we have determined
upon, as the one most conducive to our benefit.
For every husband who takes his wife to the sea-side, or abroad, we
will grant an Indulgence of domestic peace for the period he is absent
(rom home during his wife's pleasure.
To every Minister and Member of Parliament, who has worked hard
during the Session, we will award an Indulgence of grouse-shooting as
soon as the Session is over.
To every Lawyer who is honest, and to every Barrister who pleads
for the love of truth and not the love of money, we will grant an
Indulgence of a trip on the Continent during the Long Vacation.
To every Cabman, who does not charge a Foreigner more than twice
his fare, we will award an Indulgence of fourpence in every shilling.
To every lazy Schoolboy, who is born with a talent for getting
into mischief, we will grant an Indulgence of at least six weeks'
cessation of flogging—that is to say, providing his holidays continue
as long.
To every old maid, who abstains from scandal at a tea-party, we
will present the Indulgence of the strongest cup of tea.
To every gentleman, who gives himself the trouble of exposing the
impositions of cabmen and omnibus conductors, we will promise the
Indulgence of finding a policeman on all the occasions he will be in
want of one.
To every lady who buys a copy of Punch on crossing the Channel,
we will graciously award, as a special Indulgence, our most fervent
hopes that she may not be visited with sea-sickness, or detained more
than two hours at any English Custom-house.
The above Indulgences will be sold at the most moderate rate, at
No. 85, Fleet Street. The sale, we expect, will be something enormous;
and the proceeds we intend to devote, as we have honestly said, entirely
to our own benefit. If the English people are foolish enough to buy
Indulgences—and when a humbug is started, we think the English
people are foolish enough for anything—we do not see why we should
not reap the advantage of it as well as the Pope, or Cardinal Wise-
man, or Me,. Pugin, or any one else. So, with all our lungs, we cry,
" Who '11 buy—buy—buy—our fine Indulgences ? "
PEACE FOR IRELAND.
Foe the quadrature of the circle—pardon ! We mean for the paci-
fication of Ireland, a correspondent has sent us a very good suggestion.
Ihe Irish, he says, are continually abusing and opposing the Govern-
ment under which they live, and as constantly extolling that of the
■tope or Pome, and yearning for subjection to the papal despotism.
ihe Romans, on the other hand, he observes, are equally hostile to
the dominion of their Pontiff, and as anxiously desirous of a consti-
tutional government. These undutiful children of the " Holy Father,"
turned their poor Papa out of doors the other day, and would repeat
the deed were it in their power. Just so would the sons of Erin, if
they could, expel their Sassenach tyrants and oppressors.
He therefore proposes that—with the consent of the respective
parties, which would be a matter of course—Her Majesty should
exchange her Irish, lieges with the Pope, for the temporal subjects of
his Holiness.
This proposal looks very feasible. In addition to the pleasure of
wearing the " sweet yoke of Rome "—Inquisition and all—and of seeing
others who hate it obliged to wear it too—there would be that of
t +) tt1-? warmth of sunny Italy; which, to a considerable portion
01 the Hibernian population, would be the greatest in life. Said sunny
Italy is much too hot to hold the Romans, for whose constitution the air
ot Ireland would be considerably more suitable. The Queen would
acquire subjects who would be too happy to enjoy free institutions.
The Pope would gain vassals who would rejoice in kissing his shoes.
What arrangement could be more convenient for Queen, Pope, Paddy,
and the Roman people ?
But, recollect, there is a large proportion—much larger than is com-
monly supposed—of Irishmen, who are no Papists ; and the noise that
is made by the Pope's brass band is no criterion of the numbers of the
enemy's troops.
Moreover, it is a question, whether, if we wished to subvert the
papal power in Ireland, the proper plan would not be to establish
Popery there; and whether, if Irishmen became the lawful subjects of
the Pope, their most violent Papists would not all turn Protestants.
A NEW MINE FOR THE PENNY-A-LINERS.
The penny-a-liners have long ago exhausted the monstrosities of
the gooseberry, the precocities of the pea, and the other freaks in
which Nature has sometimes indulged for the purpose, apparently, of
supplying the newspapers with paragraphs. Starvation seemed staring
them in the face, when an ingenious member of the fraternity has
happily hit upon an idea, of which the following extract furnishes an
illustration:
" Colonel ■-of-, now in his 86th year, on Tuesday week was out with his
gun and dog, and after five hours sport returned home to dinner, with seven and a half
brace of grouse in. his game-bag, all shot by himself."
Here is sixpenn'orth for the penny-a-liner from an entirely new
source ; and we have no doubt we shall have a large crop of venerable
or late colonels to supply the deficiency in the harvest of early peas or
monster gooseberries. The public may expect the above specimen to
be followed by a glut of admirals of 106, having been on their legs for
27 hours at a stretch, and having bagged their hundred head of game,
without having hoisted a signal of distress of any kind.
ST. LOUIS AND LOUIS NAPOLEON AT ROME.
ind Pope Pius has paid an oblique
compliment to Louis Napoleon, the
President, through. Louis the
Twelfth, the Saint; whose fete day
was on the 25th ult. The saint's
festival was held with due pomp in
the Sacred College, the French Am-
bassador attending. We furtherlearn
that "a detachment of the 21st
Regiment of French Light Infantry,
with its band, occupied the nave ot
the Church." In the afternoon, the
Pope offered prayers in the chapel of
the holy monarch!
There is a significant delicacy in
the whole arrangement of the festival,
highly creditable to the Pope, and—
it cannot be otherwise—very flattering
to the President, whose saint's day
is marked with such especial favour. Very beautiful, too, the thought
that summoned " a detachment of the 21st Regiment of French Infantry"
to take part in the ceremony. They no doubt attended as repre-
sentatives of the whole French army ; and took—on the part of their
brotherhood inarms — an acknowledgment of that debt due to them
by the Pope, lifted back into his chair (at the best, by the way, an
uncomfortable hoist,) at the point of Gallic bayonets. Delightful is
thankfulness in high places. A fourth crown is gratitude to a Pope !
Thus, his Holiness mixed thanksgiving incense with French gun-
powder ; and —the band being present—with the praise of French
sanctity, did not forget French kettle-drums. It would be difficidt to
show to a pure imagination, a more delightful, more touching, more
earnest picture than that of the aforesaid detachment of the 21st
French Infantry; upon whom, no doubt of it, Saint Louis, on the
25th ult., was looking mistily down through seven centuries.
We earnestly trust that Louis the President, all the circumstances
considered, will take as peculiarly complimentary to himself, the attention
nominally paid to Louis the Saint.
Preferment in the Church.—We hear that the Reverend
Dennis Cahill is appointed Lord Bishop of Billingsgate.—From
the Pope's Eye.
What kind of Tables do Vegetarians keep?—Vege-tables.
The Most Unpleasant Visit of All.—Being visited with sea-
sickness !!!