Punch: Punch (21.1851)

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

197

THE LAST DODGE OF THE RUINED FARMER.

Y far the
strongest ar-
gument we
have yet seen
in favour of
Protection, is to be
found in the following
advertisement, ex-
tracted from one of
the Manchester news-

A

Farmer's Daughter,
in the 27th year of her
age, is desirous of meeting
with a PARTNER FOR
LIFE. On her marriage-
day she will be entitled to
a property worth upwards ot £5000, which has recently been left by a deceased
relative. She is by profession a Baptist: and, under very peculiar circumstances,
advertises thus through a friend. None but respectable parties, whose character
will bear the strictest investigation, need apply. A pious, well-meaning man will
•be preferred. Any person requiring information on the subject, must send a Post-
effiee order for 8s., the amount of this advertisement,—Address, -■

After this, who will deny that the Farmers require some protection,
or at all events, some looking after ? How touching is this picture of
filial devotion, in which the farmer's daushter comes forward with one
desperate effort, to save the ruined farmer by an appeal to the unmarried
portion of the public—not for a husband to take an encumbrance off a
struggling parent's hands—but for an unlimited number of Post-office
orders for eight shilling* !

Who can resist the demand which is so speciously blended with the
Drospect of a wife with 5000/. on her marriage-day, and who will pause
to think about a paltry eight shillings for even the smallest chance in
such a splendid lottery ?

Every farmer who has a daughter may hope for much more from filial
duty than a five-shilling duty ; for the former may have all the advan-
tages of a sliding-scale, and the produce, in Post-office orders, may all
ro into the farmer's own pocket. We can understand the preference
which the advertisement expresses for a serious young man, as no
one capable of seeing a joke will be likely to part with eight shillings
for the promised information.

ingenious difficulty in drawing an indictment for joke-stealing, where
the thief and the owner are both diners-out, and where the latter having
a joke on the tip of his tongue, the other takes it out of his mouth*, in
which case, one may be said to take the bread out of the mouth of the
other. The difficulty then arises as to whether the property should be
laid in the indictment as a joke, or as bread; and Mr. Dunup advises,
therefore, that there should be two counts, one charging the piisoner
with stealing " two hundred jokes, and one hundred puns, fifty conun-
drums, one hundred repartees ;" and another count, charging the
prisoner with having stolen some bread; " to wit: two hundred French
rolls, fifty half-quarterns, one hundred cottage loaves," &c, &c, in the
usual form of an indictment. Our private letters give us the following,
as about the average of this week's issues :—" Why does a coat get
papers. ) larger when taken out of a carpet-bag ? "—" Because when taken out,

you find it in-creases."

FUNNY MARKET AND WITTY INTELLIGENCE.

As our daily contemporaries are in the habit of giving an article on
the Money Market and City Intelligence, we think that for our readers
the latest accounts of the Funny Market and Witty Intelligence will
possess some interest. The English funds of humour have been very
buoyant to-day, and Stock jokes were quoted at an advance. Long
Ambiguities were not much in demand, and active or practical jokes left
flff with a downward tendency.

There is some talk in facetious circles of establishing a Pun Exchange ;
and the suggestion is said to have the support of some of the old
jobbers.

An uneasy feeling has been excited by the failure of an extensive
operator in chaff; but as he was known to have derived all his supplies
lately from one Miller, the failure was, in some degree, looked for.

The Conundrum fever has broken out again with great violence ;
and we think it right to warn the public against being deceived by
specimens which are being daily thrown upon the market, as the
precious ore of wit, when upon examination it will be found to contain
none of the true metal. We have ourselves received a few samples
which have been left at our office by reckless adventurers, and which
are placed here as a warning to others. The following is so palpable
that it speaks for itself, and convicts its author at once of getting
funny under false pretences:—

"If the Doge of Venice went to a masquerade, after telling his wife
he was going to spend the evening with a sick friend, what sort of a
Dodge would you call it ? "—" A Venetian Blind! "

The Joker's Protection Society have just issued their half-hourly
circular, in which they caution the public against receiving stolen jokes,
and print the opinion of Mr. Dunup on the important question
whether a person may be prosecuted for receiving a joke, knowing it to
be stolen? The learned gentleman intimates that as the act mentions
any kind of property, and as there are many persons whose sole pro-
perty consists in their wits, which they are obliged to live upon, a
stolen joke would be within the statute. What would amount to a
receiving, is, in Mr. Dunup's opinion, a very nice point; and he thinks
there must be, at least, one laugh, including an overt act by the opening
of the mouth, to render the receiver liable. He is inclined, also, to
believe that a person turning pale at hearing a stolen joke, has not even
a colourable possession. The learned gentleman suggests a very

MAGIC OF HORSE-HAIR.

The Judges of the County Courts do not care forattornies ; whereas
—(we give this upon the authority of Mr. Clarke, solicitor, who
announced the gratifying truth at a late attornies' meeting)—whereas
the Judges of the Superior Courts had " trembled"—trembled was the
word—"before the independence of the bar." And the cause of
this salutary fear and trembling was in the wigs of the advocates.
Mr. Clarke

"Thought that the Judges of the County Courts, if addressed by a gentleman in
horse-hair, of as much learning, and perhaps greater experience than themselves ,
would pay much more respect to their opinion than to a mere attorney."

There cannot, upon a fair amount of contemplation, be a doubt of the
mysterious fact. What a small, perked thing is a wigless attorney to
a-wigged barrister!

" And justice draws us with a single hair,"
says amended Pope. Man's respect is caught, springed by horse-hair,
like woodcocks. " When the law lays down its fall-bottomed periwig,"
says the prophetic Cumberland, " you will find less wisdom in bald
pates than you are aware of." Here be truths! The origin of
barristers' wigs is popularly attributed to the device of the monks, who
with such covering hid the tonsure, when they turned advocates and
pleaded in Court. For ourselves, we have no doubt that the beginning
of lawyers' wigs is to be discovered in a very remote antiquity. The
genealogy of wigs is yet to be given with the like precision as the
pedigree of Arab horses, traced to the mare of Mahomet. When this
is done, we doubt not that the first horse-hair used for the first
Chancery wig was hair grown in the manes and tails of the horses of
Diomede ; and they—it is allowed—lived by devouring men.

FREE TRADE IN MARRIAGE.

We understand that a parish in Bethnal Green is placarded with an
intimation that there has been a reduction in Marriage Fees, and
that the fatal noose will, in fact, be tied at a frightfully low scale of
charges. It seems that, for the purpose, probably, of carrying out the
maxim, that " a good wife is a crown to her husband," the price of
obtaining one has been brought down to exactly five shillings. The
following is the new tariff:—

£ s. d.

Publication of Banns . . . .010

Minister's Fee . . . . ..026

Clerk's Fee . . . . ' . .009

Sexton's Fee . . . . ..009

£0 5 0

We have already got the " cheap loaf," but the idea of giving the
public a cheap wife is rather a novel one. The laudable example set ia
Bethnal Green will, most probably, lead to much competition; and we
shall see hand-bills headed, "Look here! Wives positively given
away !" distributed all over the Metropolis. It will be rather ominous
to allude to a marriage as an " Alarming Sacrifice," but when the tide
of rivalry once sets in among the parsons, there is no knowing where it
may carry them. We shall not be surprised to find widowers tempted
by offers of a marriage at half-price, and, perhaps, it may be held out as
an inducement to whole families to marry off at once, that there will be
" a great reduction on taking a quantity." We are friends to cheapness,
even in taking a wife, though she may often turn out dear in more senses
than one; and we therefore submit to the clerical profession, whether
a still further reduction may not be effected by cutting off the sexton,
for whose services at a wedding we can see no necessity.

love and punch.

There is but one Love, says Rochefoucauld, though there are a
thousand vile copies of it; and, in the same way, there is but one
Punch though there have been a thousand stupid imitations of it.