DOI issue:
July to December, 1851
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16608#0229
218
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE ALDERMAN'S ADVICE TO HIS SON.
Mr. Gobble. " You see, Sam, you are a wekry Young Man ; and when I am
took away, (which, in the common course of ewents, can't be werry long
fust), you will have a great deal of Property. Now, I've only one Piece
of Adwice to give you. It's this—and by all means act upon it:—Lay down
Plenty of Port in your Youth, that you may have a good Bottle of Wine
in your Old Age."
CHURCH BELLS AND THEIR USES.
Beautiful are church bells, with their melodious invita-
tions—their solemn farewells ! And, doubtless, the bells of
St., Mary's, Cheltenham, are of most melodious metal; at
times most melodiously employed. Here is, at least, one
proof of their beautiful use:—
" Earl Fitzhabdingb arrived at his Cheltenham residence, German
Cottage, on Friday afternoon. On his Lordship's arrival being made
known, the bells of St. Mary's rang their customary peal of welcome."
There can be no doubt that the noble Earl, so significantly
welcomed, brings with his customary visit, a huge accession
of all the household virtues to lucre-loathing Cheltenham.
Yes, the bells of St. Mary's do not cry, "Welcome, oh
Earl! mighty of purse, to the shopkeepers and traders in
Mammon ; but thrice welcome, oh chrysolite peer—and for
ever welcome the virtues in your train ! Welcome, meek-
ness of heart—welcome, humility—welcome, bright example
— for ali these are with Earl Bitzhabdinge !"
When church bells can ring such a welcome, they bless
and are blessed!
Popish Remedies for Irish Evils.
The Irish " exodus " is still going on, and, concurrently
with it, two Irish subscriptions are going on also. The
Boman Catholic Prelates of Ireland are calling on their
flocks to subscribe, first, to a Catholic Defence Associa-
tion, and next, to a Catholic University. The Association,
we presume, is to defend, and the University to educate,
the Roman Catholics whom the said " exodus" is taking to
the other side of the Atlantic; as it seems likely that, in a
very short time, there will be none remaining; and the
depopulation of Ireland will probably be rather expedited
by the two subscriptions.
THE EX-UNPROTECTED E EM ALE TAKES PART IN A BLOOMER LECTURE.
Scene.—The Green Room of the Soho Theatre, into which the Ex-
Unpbotected has just been supported by Miss Runt. Her
presence of mind has not been restored by the remarks of the crowd
round the door. The Band of Martyrs in attendance, comprising the
well-known Elderly Bloomer, the strong-minded American Lady,
a heroic British Female, half-a-dozen Painters' Models, hired at half-
a-crown per head to exhibit themselves in the Costume, and an equal
number of unhappy "illustrations" of bygone fashions, who receive
five shillings apiece in consideration of making themselves frights.
Miss Runt {introducing the Ex-Unprotected to tlie Martyrs). Mbs.
Dowbiggin, Mbs. Jones—Mrs. Jones, Miss Crusher—Miss Vir-
ginia M. Pasamaquoddy, Mas. Jones—a lady whose convictions are
with us, but who has not yet adopted the costume.
The Ex-Unprotected. And never, never will, ma'am. Oh !—you've no
idea what we've gone through—with the boys, and the horrid women,
and the low people ; but she would ride on the box—
Miss Virginia M. Pasamaquoddy {with a voice pitched so high that it
scorns the ordinary way through the lips, and comes out a story higher,
through the nose). Ah!—now, Miss Runt, ma'am, you will realise the
holy satisfaction of the early Christian Martyrs, ma'am. Don't you feel
it a great and holy privilege to suffer for the good cause—for the
elevation of woman—moral, physical, and intellectual ?
\_N~.B.—Miss Virginia M. Pasamaquoddy insists on looking at
everything in a moral, physical, and intellectual point of view—
from human nature to a hearth-broom.
Miss Runt {meekly). I am prepared to suffer for the principle, Miss
Pasamaquoddy.
Miss Virginia M. Pasamaquoddy. And then, ma'am, you'll feel the
senume enthusiasm, which only comes from persecution, ma'am.
I never knew what it was to feel real earnest for the great Abolitionist
principle till I was nearly tarred and feathered in Lynchville, Old
Carolina.
The Ex- Unprotected. There! you said America was such an enlightened
country, Miss Runt, and that a woman might travel from one end of it
to the other—and you see one might be tarred and feathered!
Miss Virginia M. Pasamaquoddy. Do not misunderstand me, ma'am.
I am proud of my country. The United States is certainly the greatest
and most enlightened nation of the Old or New World. But opinion
is free with us, ma'am; and when the people arises in the majesty of
its might, I calculate there ain't any law that dare resist 'em. And
they were all on the Anti-Abolition ticket in Lynchville. I escaped,
thanks to that remarkable woman and true herome, Mrs. Asa E.
Tittles ; but the sainted Increase E. Peabody was caught in a corn-
bunker, and the way they tarred and feathered him was a caution.
The Elderly Bloomer {meekly). I think, ladies, it is time to begin the
lecture. Miss Virginia M. Pasamaquoddy will address the audience
first; and if Miss Runt will then oblige with a few words-
Miss Runt {with some asperity). I understood I was to say a few
words, certainly; but I couldn't think of rising after Miss Pasama-
quoddy-
The Audience {outside). Now then—toon up ! —now, Bloomers !—Hoy
—Er—Moo—oo—sic!
Elderly Bloomer {marshalling the Martyr Band). Now—if you please—
ladies.
Miss Runt {to the Ex- Unprotected, who is chilled to the marrow of her
bones by the wild cries of the Audience). Now, Mbs. Jones, be firm.
The Ex-Unprotected {aside to Miss Runt). Oh ! I wish to go home.
The Elderly Bloomer {under the impression that The Ex-Unprotected
is one of the strong-minded). This way, madam.
[The Ladies file off in procession. The Ex-Unpbotected follows
Miss Bunt, in the vague belief that she is going to take her out
of the Theatre.
[_Scene changes to the stage. The drop represents an apartment in a
Gothic Palace, with a range of kitchen chairs, a table, with a
decanter and tumblers, and a Bust of Heb Majesty.
Enter the Bloomers in single file.
Audience {greeting the Elderly Bloomer). Oh, there's an old 'un !
[Elderly Bloomeb seats herself with calm dignity.
Audience {welcoming Miss Vibginia M. Pasamaquoddy). Oh, 'ere's
five foot nine!
Enter Miss Bunt, followed by the Ex-Unpbotected, who blunders on,
dazzled by the lights, and bewildered by the sudden revelation of
the upturned faces of the Audience in the pit. All beyond is a swim-
ming chaos.
Audience. Hollo, old lady! you've forgot your trousers. Oh, come,
cut it short, old 'un !—hooray!
Ex- Unprotected {sinking into a chair). Oh dear, it's the stage! I thought
it was the way out. Oh, I didn't mean to !—Oh, Miss Bunt, I feel so ill!
Mr. Jones {rising in the pit). Martha, come down this instant!
Audience {tumultuously). Sit down! Turn him out! Throw him
o—ver—Moosic!
Mr. Jones {appealingly). It's my wife, ladies and gentlemen. She's
been inveigled here by these humbugs.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE ALDERMAN'S ADVICE TO HIS SON.
Mr. Gobble. " You see, Sam, you are a wekry Young Man ; and when I am
took away, (which, in the common course of ewents, can't be werry long
fust), you will have a great deal of Property. Now, I've only one Piece
of Adwice to give you. It's this—and by all means act upon it:—Lay down
Plenty of Port in your Youth, that you may have a good Bottle of Wine
in your Old Age."
CHURCH BELLS AND THEIR USES.
Beautiful are church bells, with their melodious invita-
tions—their solemn farewells ! And, doubtless, the bells of
St., Mary's, Cheltenham, are of most melodious metal; at
times most melodiously employed. Here is, at least, one
proof of their beautiful use:—
" Earl Fitzhabdingb arrived at his Cheltenham residence, German
Cottage, on Friday afternoon. On his Lordship's arrival being made
known, the bells of St. Mary's rang their customary peal of welcome."
There can be no doubt that the noble Earl, so significantly
welcomed, brings with his customary visit, a huge accession
of all the household virtues to lucre-loathing Cheltenham.
Yes, the bells of St. Mary's do not cry, "Welcome, oh
Earl! mighty of purse, to the shopkeepers and traders in
Mammon ; but thrice welcome, oh chrysolite peer—and for
ever welcome the virtues in your train ! Welcome, meek-
ness of heart—welcome, humility—welcome, bright example
— for ali these are with Earl Bitzhabdinge !"
When church bells can ring such a welcome, they bless
and are blessed!
Popish Remedies for Irish Evils.
The Irish " exodus " is still going on, and, concurrently
with it, two Irish subscriptions are going on also. The
Boman Catholic Prelates of Ireland are calling on their
flocks to subscribe, first, to a Catholic Defence Associa-
tion, and next, to a Catholic University. The Association,
we presume, is to defend, and the University to educate,
the Roman Catholics whom the said " exodus" is taking to
the other side of the Atlantic; as it seems likely that, in a
very short time, there will be none remaining; and the
depopulation of Ireland will probably be rather expedited
by the two subscriptions.
THE EX-UNPROTECTED E EM ALE TAKES PART IN A BLOOMER LECTURE.
Scene.—The Green Room of the Soho Theatre, into which the Ex-
Unpbotected has just been supported by Miss Runt. Her
presence of mind has not been restored by the remarks of the crowd
round the door. The Band of Martyrs in attendance, comprising the
well-known Elderly Bloomer, the strong-minded American Lady,
a heroic British Female, half-a-dozen Painters' Models, hired at half-
a-crown per head to exhibit themselves in the Costume, and an equal
number of unhappy "illustrations" of bygone fashions, who receive
five shillings apiece in consideration of making themselves frights.
Miss Runt {introducing the Ex-Unprotected to tlie Martyrs). Mbs.
Dowbiggin, Mbs. Jones—Mrs. Jones, Miss Crusher—Miss Vir-
ginia M. Pasamaquoddy, Mas. Jones—a lady whose convictions are
with us, but who has not yet adopted the costume.
The Ex-Unprotected. And never, never will, ma'am. Oh !—you've no
idea what we've gone through—with the boys, and the horrid women,
and the low people ; but she would ride on the box—
Miss Virginia M. Pasamaquoddy {with a voice pitched so high that it
scorns the ordinary way through the lips, and comes out a story higher,
through the nose). Ah!—now, Miss Runt, ma'am, you will realise the
holy satisfaction of the early Christian Martyrs, ma'am. Don't you feel
it a great and holy privilege to suffer for the good cause—for the
elevation of woman—moral, physical, and intellectual ?
\_N~.B.—Miss Virginia M. Pasamaquoddy insists on looking at
everything in a moral, physical, and intellectual point of view—
from human nature to a hearth-broom.
Miss Runt {meekly). I am prepared to suffer for the principle, Miss
Pasamaquoddy.
Miss Virginia M. Pasamaquoddy. And then, ma'am, you'll feel the
senume enthusiasm, which only comes from persecution, ma'am.
I never knew what it was to feel real earnest for the great Abolitionist
principle till I was nearly tarred and feathered in Lynchville, Old
Carolina.
The Ex- Unprotected. There! you said America was such an enlightened
country, Miss Runt, and that a woman might travel from one end of it
to the other—and you see one might be tarred and feathered!
Miss Virginia M. Pasamaquoddy. Do not misunderstand me, ma'am.
I am proud of my country. The United States is certainly the greatest
and most enlightened nation of the Old or New World. But opinion
is free with us, ma'am; and when the people arises in the majesty of
its might, I calculate there ain't any law that dare resist 'em. And
they were all on the Anti-Abolition ticket in Lynchville. I escaped,
thanks to that remarkable woman and true herome, Mrs. Asa E.
Tittles ; but the sainted Increase E. Peabody was caught in a corn-
bunker, and the way they tarred and feathered him was a caution.
The Elderly Bloomer {meekly). I think, ladies, it is time to begin the
lecture. Miss Virginia M. Pasamaquoddy will address the audience
first; and if Miss Runt will then oblige with a few words-
Miss Runt {with some asperity). I understood I was to say a few
words, certainly; but I couldn't think of rising after Miss Pasama-
quoddy-
The Audience {outside). Now then—toon up ! —now, Bloomers !—Hoy
—Er—Moo—oo—sic!
Elderly Bloomer {marshalling the Martyr Band). Now—if you please—
ladies.
Miss Runt {to the Ex- Unprotected, who is chilled to the marrow of her
bones by the wild cries of the Audience). Now, Mbs. Jones, be firm.
The Ex-Unprotected {aside to Miss Runt). Oh ! I wish to go home.
The Elderly Bloomer {under the impression that The Ex-Unprotected
is one of the strong-minded). This way, madam.
[The Ladies file off in procession. The Ex-Unpbotected follows
Miss Bunt, in the vague belief that she is going to take her out
of the Theatre.
[_Scene changes to the stage. The drop represents an apartment in a
Gothic Palace, with a range of kitchen chairs, a table, with a
decanter and tumblers, and a Bust of Heb Majesty.
Enter the Bloomers in single file.
Audience {greeting the Elderly Bloomer). Oh, there's an old 'un !
[Elderly Bloomeb seats herself with calm dignity.
Audience {welcoming Miss Vibginia M. Pasamaquoddy). Oh, 'ere's
five foot nine!
Enter Miss Bunt, followed by the Ex-Unpbotected, who blunders on,
dazzled by the lights, and bewildered by the sudden revelation of
the upturned faces of the Audience in the pit. All beyond is a swim-
ming chaos.
Audience. Hollo, old lady! you've forgot your trousers. Oh, come,
cut it short, old 'un !—hooray!
Ex- Unprotected {sinking into a chair). Oh dear, it's the stage! I thought
it was the way out. Oh, I didn't mean to !—Oh, Miss Bunt, I feel so ill!
Mr. Jones {rising in the pit). Martha, come down this instant!
Audience {tumultuously). Sit down! Turn him out! Throw him
o—ver—Moosic!
Mr. Jones {appealingly). It's my wife, ladies and gentlemen. She's
been inveigled here by these humbugs.