Punch: Punch (21.1851)

228

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

A VOTE-IVE OFFERING.

Mb. Edwards, of St. Albans notoriety, is said to sport " a massive
silver snuff-box, the result of a penny subscription among one thousand
of the electors, and presented to him as a mark of esteem, as
well as in token of their disapprobation of the persecution to which he
has been subjected." We should like to know the sort of snuff the
electors were up to, when they presented Mk. Edwards with this box,
and whether it was filled with " blackguard," by way of reminding him
of themselves. Undoubtedly, a very capacious snuff-box must be
required by a man who has constantly so much corruption under his very
nose.

THE BELLS OF ST. STEPHENS.

Great " Tom of Lincoln," and the Little Bell of St. Albans.

HOW ENGLISH IS SPOKEN IN FRANCE;
Q dTratrh iBrama, tn Eton

Act the Fikst.

Scene.—A Milliner's Shop. In one of the windows is written, in large
letters, "English Spoken Here."

Enter an Englishman.

Englishman. Can you tell me, if you please, Madame, the price of that
bonnet ?

French Milliner. Plait-il, Monsieur?

Englishman (pointing to the object in question). The price of that
bonnet, Madame ?

French Milliner (shrugging her shoulders). Bien fachee, Monsieur—je
ne vous comprends uas.

Englishman (pointing to the inscription in the window). Don't you
speak Eng'ish here ?

French Milliner. Ah, ci, Monsieur. Donnez-vous la peine de vous
asseoir, Monsieur, et d'attendre un petit instant. {Exit, running.

A lapse of ten minutes between the First and Second Acts.

Act the Second.
French Milliner (out of breath). Bien desolee, Monsieur, de vous faire
attendre, mais le fait est que le jeune Boulanger a No. 73, qui parle
Anglais generalement pour nous, vient de sortir pour la journee. Si
Monsieur voudrait avoir la bonte de repasser par ici demain, sans doute
que le jeune homme serait chez lui.

{Exit Englishman, muttering to himself—" What a stupid lingo
this French is ! "

Unwarrantable Assumption.

The following insidious announcement appeared the other day in a
newspaper:—

yENTRILOQUISM.—Unrivalled Newman will give one of his popular
» .Lmtebtainments To-morrow, 12th, at Waltham Abbey.

We are afraid this Mr. Newman wants to "come the old soldier"
over the public, by giving his popular entertainments at an Abbey. He
has no nu'ht to call himself unrivalled Newman : clever as may be his
ventriloquism, its marvels are surpassed by saints that shine in the
dark, and cross the sea on their cloaks.

ELECTRICAL CLOCKS.

In Berlin they have Electrical Clocks—and in Stockholm, all the public
clocks are put in motion by electricity. Why could not the same plan
be adopted in London? By this means the various contradictions
that exist amongst our public clocks might be rtmedied, and there
would not be the difference of five hours, as there frequently is, between
two clocks, in two neighbouring streets. We would not simply
have our public clocks regulated in this manner, but also our private
clocks. We do not see why the clocks on every floor, in every man's
house, could not be brought under the controul of electricity. Surely,
it must be just as easy to lay on electricity as water or gas, and there
is one comfort, that it would not cost one hundredth part as much.

Our plan is this. Let there be one grand central Electrical Clock
in the Metropolis. Say the Horse-Guards, if you like—though that
public clock has, in a great measure, lost its military reputation for
punctuality, ever since it fancied, because it belonged to the Guards,
that it could go on as it pleased, and keep whatever hours it liked.
However, say, for old association's sake, the Horse-Guards Clock.
This would be the Grand Electrical Depot, and would regulate all the
Electrical Clocks in the Metropolis—nay, throughout all the Kingdom,
if it were necessary. The electric fluid would be turned on every
morning with no more difficulty than the equivocal fluid which is given
us as pure water by our water companies. The clocks would never
want winding up, and there would be one uniform time all over
London. Differences as to Greenwich time, and Railway time, and
London time, would all cease, and our church clocks would no longer
be able to play off those absurd vagaries which, for a long time, put at
sixes and sevens all those watches that put faith in their professions ; for
every servant should have an electrical clock in her bedroom, and would
no longer be able to make the usual mistake of an hour in getting up
of a morning; and cooks, when they were late with the dinner, would
no longer be able to place the fault on the kitchen-clock. Greater
method by these means would be preserved in every household, whilst
out of doers the advantages would be equally numerous. So many
persons would not be late for the train, from finding that there
was a difference of twenty minutes between railway time and the time-
piece they had left at home on their mantel-piece. A greater degree
of regularity would be observed in our daily engagements, and a man
who broke an appointment through unpunctuality, or kept a dinner-
party waiting, or wasn't in time for a picnic, or a wedding, would be
looked upon as an unsocial monster, who ought to have lived in the
days of the slow coaches, and not in a period like the present, when,
thanks to electricity, everything goes, or promises to go, exactly "like
clockwork."

THE TYRANNY OF CUSTOMS.
(To Louis Kossuth.)

evered Sir, — Don't run
away with the idea that
•^§1 this is a free country. A
Itip' tyranny is exercised by the
British Board of Customs
as monstrous as any in-
lm justice perpetrated on Hun-
II garian or Polish victims,
Is either by the young Nero
-A of Austria, or the Russian
|1 old Nick. The London
3a Dock Company has just
A compromised sc lawsuit
3ra| which it had commenced
M against this Board for ille-

Wiik l^^s^^^^SillSj^-. gal seizures °f the .Com-

Jj'-ag iH^j^^^^^l "- 'au> paDy's ?0ods, consenting to

pay £100 fine, under pro-
test. The Company stoutly maintains the unlawfulness of the seizures,
and is confident that, had it proceeded to trial, it would have gained its
cause. Why, then, you will ask, did it compromise the matter ? Why,
Sir, because even if it had obtained a verdict, it would have been
let in, as our vulgar say, for ruinous law expenses. The reason—
would you believe it, Sir?—is that "the Crown pays no costs."
Government may, under a false pretence, clap its claws on the British
merchant's property; subject him to enormous loss and trouble;
make him pay more than it is worth to get it back again, and refuse
to indemnify him for his expenses one farthing. This is our land of
liberty, illustrious Kossuth! Take with you this little piece of
information, from

The Last Candidate for Canonization.—Mr. Edwards of St.
Albans, by the style and title of St. Edwards the Confessor.