PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

123

"At the sign of the Winking Doll in St. Mary Axe."
"The Winking what ? " asked the Bench.

"The Winking Doll," said the Doctor, meekly. "It is a known
fact that the blessed image winked at a cabstand, and converted the
whole stand, with the exception of the unbelieving waterman. And
though sceptics have asserted that there were no cabs on the stand at
the time, and that the waterman who saw the sign, was intoxicated;
yet a waterman might be drunk, and there might be no cabs on the
stand: and a statue might wink—the latter proposition is quite
distinct from the former. Statues have been known to wink: statues
have been known to fly: statues have been known to swim: and to
talk like other blockheads. Our island is full of wonders, which come
down embalmed to us in tradition. On a peculiar emergency Saint
Guy, the arithmetician, made two and two into five; Saint Walking-
ham was in three places at once; Saint Finnan was in the habit of
preaching to the fish and the mermaids at the bottom of the sea;
Saint Hoktus and Saint Pokius took refuge in a quart bottle when
persecuted by the Druids, and being uncorked in presence of Swollo,
King of Little Britain, converted him and his whole court. Why is
it more difficult to credit a marvel which happened yesterday, than to
believe a wonder which occurred thirteen hundred years ago ?"

The magistrate said this had nothing to do with the complaint made
against Newboy, and begged Mks. Church to state at once what was
her grievance.

The old lady complained that her late foreman was publishing libels
against her character and against her shop: that he said her goods
were not genuine: that he was constantly talking against her, and
making fun of her ; to the detriment of her trade and her respectability.
Indeed, whilst she was speaking, the complainant, Newboy, was
observed to laugh repeatedly and put his tongue in his mouth, and
handed round to his friends (a set of smug-looking people in black, with
heads which looked as if they were afflicted with the ring-worm) a
caricature of old Mks. Church, at which they all laughed. The old
lady's nose was trebled in this design, her corpulence was enormously
exaggerated, and her look (which has of late been a good deal puzzled
and bewildered) caricatured in the most ludicrous manner.

Alderman Moses checked this unseemly jocularity, and said, " Mr.
Newboy, it may suit you to make fun of old Mrs. Church ; but you
will please to remember that there are other people besides her whom
some folks consider ridiculous ; and I should say that this tone of
levity does not become you towards an old lady who acted towards
you as a mother. As for you, Mrs. Church, I don't see how I can
help you : and you must remember that you have been calling Mrs.
Hills names all your life, and very ugly names too. I've nothing to
do with the dispute between your shops; and can neither prevent
Mrs. Hills from selling her garments, or you from vending yours."

A voice here, in the crowd, crying out, " Clo! Clo ! " in a jocular
tone, the worthy Alderman said, "Yes, if it is a question about clothes,
you know that our people liave the real old clothes—that we are unjustly
treated, and yet that we don't complain : thatVwe are persecuted, and
yet that we don't threaten to rebel, or call foul names, or utter false-
hoods, or incite to hatred and fury against those who do us wrong."
And, another case being called, both parties left the court, perfectly
dissatisfied.

PIUS'S MOTIONS.

From a correspondence that has recently appeared in the papers, it
seems that a certain person, named Gawthokn, has been writing letters
to the Archbishop of Canterbury and others, sometimes in the
character of a dissenter, sometimes in that of a high-churchman, and
sometimes in his own—that of a papist—signing himself at one time,
Francis, at another, Pees, and at another, William Rees Fbancis
Gawthokn, _ in full. The excuse of Francis, alias Rees, alias
Gawthorn, is thus stated by himself:

" i assure you i had no object in writing the letter (besides complying with the re-
quest of my friend, to whom i am under great obligations) hut to hasten the conversion
of ihose who profess High Church principles to the Catholic Church. i merely wrote
the letter at the particular request of the friend to whom i refer, and in the hope that it
might tend towards the conversion of those concerned, which we believe to be the
greatest blessing they can receive."

We hope our readers will not suppose that Mr. Gawthorn is no
other than the trustworthy correspondent that occasionally favours us
under the signature of "Verax"—who scorns deceit and imposture,
and does not pretend that his epistles to Punch are signed with his
proper name. Really, scarcely a week passes without some monstrous
figment, fabricated in behalf of "the Church," being brought home
to some Romish ecclesiastic, agitator, or zealot. Does the "Holy
Father" of Rome know of this ?—if he does, Mr. Punch will be obliged
to establish a story-tellers' corner, in which to put the children of that
naughty Papa, who are continually qualifying themselves for the
position.

A Precarious Living—No Professional man lives so much from
baud to mouth as a Dentist!—Our Rejected Contributor.

ADVANTAGES OF THE AUSTRALIAN GOLD

FEVER.

god friends, let us all shake
hands; but that is not enough.
Let us all embrace as our
foreign friends do, and make
a Great Exhibition of our-
selves, by rushing into each
other's arms. Ring your bells,
good people; send up your
rockets, let off your crackers
and your cannon, blow your
trumpets, beat your drums,
hurl your hats aloft, and hooray
with all your hearts and with
all your lungs!

We have got a California of
our own. There is a colonial
El Dorado near Bathurst, in
New South Wales. The Times
says that the Sydney Morning
Herald says, that the Bathurst Free Press says, that a Mr. Har-
graves has discovered the fact that "the country, from the
Mountain Ranges to an indefinite extent in the interior, is one
immense gold field." Literally, no end of gold in a British dependency !
The most precious of minerals—Britannia-metal! Happy mother
country! Happy, happiest of colonies! Australia Felix—Felicis-
sima! Hooray ! hooray ! hip ! hip ! hip ! hooray ! One cheer more-
hooray !

And what are you making all this noise about, Mr. Punch ?—you, a
philosopher—at least, I always thought so—to fly into these ecstacies
about a discovery of yellow metal—of which—not to call the substance
itself dross—the very abundance will soon destroy the value !—I am
surprised at you. You, who sell me—give me, I should rather say—
your weekly miscellany of wit, poetry, and wisdom, for 3d.—&d. stamped
—for mere copper—whence all this enthusiasm on your part at the
prospect of gold ?

My dear Subscriber! only think of the rush to the diggings. In
Australia, crowds of persons, of every description on horse, or foot—
with pickaxes, crow-bars, cradles, shovels, spades, rakes, grubbing-
hoes, hung at their saddle-bows, or at their backs, or around their
waists—hasten to the mines. The blacksmiths can't make picks fast
enough for them—and fathers of families take their wives' fenders and
fire-irons for mining tools, and run off with the pokers and tongs, and
domestic cullenders, and pots a»i kettles, like travelling tinkers.
Away they go—" people of all trades, callings, and pursuits." It will
soon be the same in this country.

I don't see why we should congratulate ourselves on the expectation
of the gold fever—which you yourself seem to have caught, Mr. Punch.

No, my dear Sir! Consider. Think of the emigration that must
ensue. People of all trades, callings, and pursuits. What people? Of
course those to whom gold is the prime object. All the lawyers
and doctors who practise chiefly with a view to fees. All the divines who
look, in the first place, to the loaves and fishes. All and sundry who
labour in their vocation principally to get money. The respectable
solicitors, honourable barristers, exemplary parsons and bishops, fair
dealers, reasonable tradesmen, disinterested authors, and well-paid
workpeople, will all be left behind—and will be, if not very numerous,
how very select! What a blessing it will be to have all the sordid and
selfish members of every profession at the Antipodes; self-transported!
What a clearance of the system by the Gold Fever: what an extremely
good riddance of bad rubbish !

We all have our Hobbies.

The philosophical world, being rather addicted to the dreamy, has
only just woke up to a knowledge of the agitation that has prevailed on
the great Lock question. We understand, however, that the subject
will be thoroughly investigated, and that the next number of the
" Philosophical Transactions " will contain a very profound treatise or
the relative merits of the philosophy of Lock and Hobbs.

The Rule of Thri e.—" Liberie—Egalite—Fraternite."

The Long Vacation.—The Long Vacation will shortly commence
at Cowes, for it has been observed that most of the English yachts are
already breaking up.

Extreme Delicacy or Taste.—An earthquake has refused to
swallow the King of Naple3 !