DOI issue:
July to December, 1851
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16608#0273
262
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
ALARMING INTELLIGENCE!
OUTBREAK IN THE CITY! !
ME. PUNCH IN A STATE OF SIEGE! ! !
Punch Office, Wednesday, 5 a. m.
N out break of a serious nature
has just occurred, which
threatens to affect the tran-
{From our Prolix Reporter)
At an unpleasantly early
hour this morning, Mr.
Punch was disturbed from
his slumbers by the advent
ot his faithful Toby, with
intelligence that startled him {Mr. P.) out of the wrong side of his bed, in
a fraction of time considerably less than the twinkling of any one of its
posts. From the hurried bow-wows of his ambulating informant, all that
Mr. Punch could gather was, that an emeute of an alarming nature had
broken out, which seemed to threaten the mental peace, not only of
himself in particular, but of the World at large. Having instituted a brief
but ineffectual search for his dressing-gown (which was unfortunately
"at the wash"), Mr. Punch, with his usual readiness of invention,
happily improvised a substitute by means of an old railway-wrapper;
and after performing a rapid act of toilette-ship, he dashed at once with
dauntless energy to inspect the scene of action,—choosing the remotest
ot his garret-windows for the purpose.
With his usual sagacious penetration, Mr. Punch rapidly discerned
how matters stood. A single glance from his eagle eye served fully to
reveal the true state of the case : to assure him that the centre of this
great Charybdis of humanity was—Himself! Conscious that its con
tinuance would, of course, materially impede his circulation, Mr. P.'s
next object was to effect a speedy Dissolution of the Assembly. This
he hoped to achieve by a simple Appeal to the People from his first-
floor window; but upon opening it for that purpose, such was the roar
of the ophicleide-tongued crowd beneath, that he found it would re-
quire a speaking-trumpet of ten-million-Stentor power, at least, to
render his natural squeak at all audible.
In this desperate emergency, Mr. Punch was forced to hold rather a
protracted Council of State; and having remained,
closely close'ed witli himself for some considerable
time, he at length resolved on the perpetration of
a violent and decisive coup d'etat. Despatching his
canine aide-de-camp with instant orders to summon
the whole of his Household
troops (consisting of Cook,
Housemaid, Nurse, and Scul-
lery ditto, and the Knife-and-
errand Boy), Mr. Punch openly
declared himself in a State of
Siege; and, assuming his Marshal's baton, proceeded
forthwith to lay his
entire establishment
under the full rigour of strict martial
law. A Proclamation was accordingly
issued to that effect (signed Punch, coun-
tersigned Toby), and publicly affiche to
a conspicuous part of the front shop
shutters.
{From our Rapid Reporter.)
Ten o'clock. — The Proclamation [has
been favourably received. A few faint cries of "A has Punch!" were
heard, but promptly suppressed. A better feeling seems to prevail.
£ Five Minutes past.—No it doesn't. Another tremendous volley of
"chaff" has just been discharged, completely shattering Mr. Punch's
auriculars and—I regret to add—temper. Mr. P. is in a state of im-
mense agitation.
Half-past—Mr. P., in the disguise of a policeman, attempts a move-
ment in the back-ground (behind his premises) to
create a diversion. Mr. P. receives an unexpected
"bonneter," which effectually achieves his object,
the merriment of the bystanders is excessive.
Nearly Noon.—Barricades are forming in all the
neighbouring streets. They are composed, chiefly,
of Bank-bound 'busses. Fleet Street is still in the
undisturbed possession of the Garde Mob-ile. Our
circulation is completely stopped.
33 Seconds past.—Intelligence has just reached us,
with our usual paulo-post-meridian chop, that a
perfect panic has ensued in the Joke Market, in
qmlhty, not merely of this consequence of our last announcement. The
Metropolis but of the whole , depression is tremendous—Puns have fallen 99* per cent.
Civilised World We have One o'clock.—More rows ! There has been a fight between two rival
made most extensive ar-) newspaper-boys, and both have got sanguinary
rangements to secure the 1 noses.
fullest possible intelligence, | 20 'Minutes past.—^ strong detachment of the
and shall continue to receive National (Guard Blue) has just arrived. They are
hourly hall-hourly, and, if saluted with ironical cheering, and cries of "Vive
' le Bobby ! "
27 Minutes past.—A rapid succession of struggles,
shindies, and scrimmages, has ensued ; and there has been a tre-
mendous sally in an adjacent alley, resulting iu the arrest of the leading
Members of the Assembly.
A Quarter to.—The Guards (Black) have rallied. (I strongly suspect
they've been getting some beer.) They are evidently meditating a
coup de main. The crisis is fast approaching.
\h. 49/«. 13s., p. m.—Our position grows momentarily more terrific !
lh. 49/«. 14?., p. m.—They have forced the out-(door)-posts. All is
lost now !
lh. 49m. 17*., p. m.—No it isn't, though; for I rejoice to hear that
Mr. Punch remains perfectly tranquil!! !
10 Minutes to Two.—A mighty shout is heard in the distance, and a
considerable buzzing pervades beneath. The "Insurgents" seem
agitated.
A Minute and three quarters later.—I breathe again. A strong body
of the Street Orderly Brigade is ap-
proaching at a rapid trot, headed—un-
less my nasology deceives me greatly
—by F. M. the Duke op Wellington
himself.
need be, half-minutely re
ports, which we shall hasten
to lay before an interested
Universe. Our first account
is—
572 Seconds later.—I am not de-
ceived. It is his Ferruginous Grace!
And the troops seem gallantly inspired
by his presence to either do or die.
They advance unflinchingly—brooms au
bras ! The soul-thrilling word of command is given—" Swe-e-e-e-ep !"
Just upon the Strike—The struggle is terrific! The rabble-rout
evidently object to be routed.
Just after ditto—Huzza! We are saved! The Broomers have won
the Brush! The streets are swept completely—not a vestige of be-
sieging creation remains.
i + I + tV past Two.—F. M. Punch advances with his Staff to salute
his brave victorious allies. The two greatest Generals of the Age are
fondly locked in each other's embrace-
affecting incident for history! The
Troops are ordered either to stand or
sit at ease, while beer is served out.
|+T6—I of a Second later.—The two
F. M.s repair to a neighbouring " Public,"
and pledge each other in a quiet pot of
humble half-and-half.
Sentiment—All's well that ends well. _
'Three o'clock.—All fears of further dis-
turbance are now at an end, and Mr. Punch's usual world-wide
circulation is completely re-established.
SECOND EDITION.
BY EXTRAORDINARY EXPRESS !
We have nothing fresh to communicate at present. We are, however,
in less than half-momently expectation of highly-important intelligence
from the provinces, which we shall lose no time in publishing.
THIRD EDITION.
BY X X XTRAORDINARY XPRESS ! !
RISING IN THE PROVINCES! !
{Per Horse-Marine Electric Telegraph)
Punch OJice, Half-past Three. —The emeute has extended to the
provinces. Violent agitation prevails throughout.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
ALARMING INTELLIGENCE!
OUTBREAK IN THE CITY! !
ME. PUNCH IN A STATE OF SIEGE! ! !
Punch Office, Wednesday, 5 a. m.
N out break of a serious nature
has just occurred, which
threatens to affect the tran-
{From our Prolix Reporter)
At an unpleasantly early
hour this morning, Mr.
Punch was disturbed from
his slumbers by the advent
ot his faithful Toby, with
intelligence that startled him {Mr. P.) out of the wrong side of his bed, in
a fraction of time considerably less than the twinkling of any one of its
posts. From the hurried bow-wows of his ambulating informant, all that
Mr. Punch could gather was, that an emeute of an alarming nature had
broken out, which seemed to threaten the mental peace, not only of
himself in particular, but of the World at large. Having instituted a brief
but ineffectual search for his dressing-gown (which was unfortunately
"at the wash"), Mr. Punch, with his usual readiness of invention,
happily improvised a substitute by means of an old railway-wrapper;
and after performing a rapid act of toilette-ship, he dashed at once with
dauntless energy to inspect the scene of action,—choosing the remotest
ot his garret-windows for the purpose.
With his usual sagacious penetration, Mr. Punch rapidly discerned
how matters stood. A single glance from his eagle eye served fully to
reveal the true state of the case : to assure him that the centre of this
great Charybdis of humanity was—Himself! Conscious that its con
tinuance would, of course, materially impede his circulation, Mr. P.'s
next object was to effect a speedy Dissolution of the Assembly. This
he hoped to achieve by a simple Appeal to the People from his first-
floor window; but upon opening it for that purpose, such was the roar
of the ophicleide-tongued crowd beneath, that he found it would re-
quire a speaking-trumpet of ten-million-Stentor power, at least, to
render his natural squeak at all audible.
In this desperate emergency, Mr. Punch was forced to hold rather a
protracted Council of State; and having remained,
closely close'ed witli himself for some considerable
time, he at length resolved on the perpetration of
a violent and decisive coup d'etat. Despatching his
canine aide-de-camp with instant orders to summon
the whole of his Household
troops (consisting of Cook,
Housemaid, Nurse, and Scul-
lery ditto, and the Knife-and-
errand Boy), Mr. Punch openly
declared himself in a State of
Siege; and, assuming his Marshal's baton, proceeded
forthwith to lay his
entire establishment
under the full rigour of strict martial
law. A Proclamation was accordingly
issued to that effect (signed Punch, coun-
tersigned Toby), and publicly affiche to
a conspicuous part of the front shop
shutters.
{From our Rapid Reporter.)
Ten o'clock. — The Proclamation [has
been favourably received. A few faint cries of "A has Punch!" were
heard, but promptly suppressed. A better feeling seems to prevail.
£ Five Minutes past.—No it doesn't. Another tremendous volley of
"chaff" has just been discharged, completely shattering Mr. Punch's
auriculars and—I regret to add—temper. Mr. P. is in a state of im-
mense agitation.
Half-past—Mr. P., in the disguise of a policeman, attempts a move-
ment in the back-ground (behind his premises) to
create a diversion. Mr. P. receives an unexpected
"bonneter," which effectually achieves his object,
the merriment of the bystanders is excessive.
Nearly Noon.—Barricades are forming in all the
neighbouring streets. They are composed, chiefly,
of Bank-bound 'busses. Fleet Street is still in the
undisturbed possession of the Garde Mob-ile. Our
circulation is completely stopped.
33 Seconds past.—Intelligence has just reached us,
with our usual paulo-post-meridian chop, that a
perfect panic has ensued in the Joke Market, in
qmlhty, not merely of this consequence of our last announcement. The
Metropolis but of the whole , depression is tremendous—Puns have fallen 99* per cent.
Civilised World We have One o'clock.—More rows ! There has been a fight between two rival
made most extensive ar-) newspaper-boys, and both have got sanguinary
rangements to secure the 1 noses.
fullest possible intelligence, | 20 'Minutes past.—^ strong detachment of the
and shall continue to receive National (Guard Blue) has just arrived. They are
hourly hall-hourly, and, if saluted with ironical cheering, and cries of "Vive
' le Bobby ! "
27 Minutes past.—A rapid succession of struggles,
shindies, and scrimmages, has ensued ; and there has been a tre-
mendous sally in an adjacent alley, resulting iu the arrest of the leading
Members of the Assembly.
A Quarter to.—The Guards (Black) have rallied. (I strongly suspect
they've been getting some beer.) They are evidently meditating a
coup de main. The crisis is fast approaching.
\h. 49/«. 13s., p. m.—Our position grows momentarily more terrific !
lh. 49/«. 14?., p. m.—They have forced the out-(door)-posts. All is
lost now !
lh. 49m. 17*., p. m.—No it isn't, though; for I rejoice to hear that
Mr. Punch remains perfectly tranquil!! !
10 Minutes to Two.—A mighty shout is heard in the distance, and a
considerable buzzing pervades beneath. The "Insurgents" seem
agitated.
A Minute and three quarters later.—I breathe again. A strong body
of the Street Orderly Brigade is ap-
proaching at a rapid trot, headed—un-
less my nasology deceives me greatly
—by F. M. the Duke op Wellington
himself.
need be, half-minutely re
ports, which we shall hasten
to lay before an interested
Universe. Our first account
is—
572 Seconds later.—I am not de-
ceived. It is his Ferruginous Grace!
And the troops seem gallantly inspired
by his presence to either do or die.
They advance unflinchingly—brooms au
bras ! The soul-thrilling word of command is given—" Swe-e-e-e-ep !"
Just upon the Strike—The struggle is terrific! The rabble-rout
evidently object to be routed.
Just after ditto—Huzza! We are saved! The Broomers have won
the Brush! The streets are swept completely—not a vestige of be-
sieging creation remains.
i + I + tV past Two.—F. M. Punch advances with his Staff to salute
his brave victorious allies. The two greatest Generals of the Age are
fondly locked in each other's embrace-
affecting incident for history! The
Troops are ordered either to stand or
sit at ease, while beer is served out.
|+T6—I of a Second later.—The two
F. M.s repair to a neighbouring " Public,"
and pledge each other in a quiet pot of
humble half-and-half.
Sentiment—All's well that ends well. _
'Three o'clock.—All fears of further dis-
turbance are now at an end, and Mr. Punch's usual world-wide
circulation is completely re-established.
SECOND EDITION.
BY EXTRAORDINARY EXPRESS !
We have nothing fresh to communicate at present. We are, however,
in less than half-momently expectation of highly-important intelligence
from the provinces, which we shall lose no time in publishing.
THIRD EDITION.
BY X X XTRAORDINARY XPRESS ! !
RISING IN THE PROVINCES! !
{Per Horse-Marine Electric Telegraph)
Punch OJice, Half-past Three. —The emeute has extended to the
provinces. Violent agitation prevails throughout.