Punch (22.1852)

2

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

{Manufactured expressly for our Rustic Readers.)

Plum-pudding was first discovered by Captain Cook,
a.d. 603.

St. Geor&e is the Patron Saint of Snap-dragons.

A fragment of the Mistletoe Bough that has achieved
so extensive a musical reputation, is still preserved at
the British Museum.

Blind-man's-buff was introduced by Joan of Abo, at
that eventful epoch recorded in Methuselah's well-
known Conundrum : " Where was Noah when the
candle went out?"

The Beef-Eaters of the Tower are almost exclusively
Vegetarians.

Night's-bridgeowes its name to the Lucus-a-non-icsl fact
that—thanks to the Barracks—it is only passable by
day-light.

The distinguishing characteristic of our St. Alban's
Constituency is the extreme purity of its principals.

Black Pudding is still a favourite dish with the Canni-
bals of Ethiopia.

A wing is being added to the National Gallery for the
reception of those valuable Works of Art—the Duke
of Wellington's Statue and Aldgate Pump.

The popular melody of Poor Old Ned is generally attri-
buted to Handel.

Lunar Caustic is a preparation of distilled moonbeams
chemically extracted from early cucumbers.

Me. Barnum is in active treaty for the purchase ot
the celebrated House that Jack Built.

The Bloomers have all been transplanted to the Flowery
Land, and are there "coming out" most extensively.

A Submarine Telegraph is in course of formation from
Botany Bay to Birmingham.

The Houses of Parliament and the Library Catalogue
of the British Museum are alike rapidly approaching
completion.

Colt's Revolvers are manufactured exclusively for the

Horse Marines.
Guy Fox was a lineal ancestor of the present M.P. for

Finsbury.

The Geologic formation of the Sandwich Islands are
alternate strata of ham and bread-and-butter.

A second Cheltenham is rising on the banks of the
Thames : its waters being considered highly " medi-
cinal" by all who have enjoyed (?) the privilege to
taste them.

A bill for the re-establishment of Protection will be
introduced, next Session, by Mr. Cobden, simulta-
neously with Sir Charles Wood's motion for the
removal of the Income-tax.

m. Jullien's new "Injun Quadrille" was composed
expressly for the Vegetarian Society.

The chief advantage of our Cape colonies is their imme-
diate proximity to the Caffres.

And last, and, in our own private opinion, decidedly the
greatest " Cracker" of all, which we defy even the
blanket-bolting Boa-Constrictor to swallow with im-
punity :—fcir~ The Universe may shortly expect the
Total Annihilation of Punch

THE REPRESENTATION OE WEST-
MINSTER.

We congratulate Westminster on the state of
its Representation. What we say is no compli-
ment to the constituents of Evans or Lush-
ington. It is a just tribute to Messieurs
Parmeno, Ph^oria, Gnatho, Ch^eea, Thraso,
Dorias,—to MELLES- Thais and Pythias, and to
the rest of the young amateurs, who have been
earning all the laurels that Christmas can muster,
by performing the Eunuchus of Terence. We
allude, in fact, to the Westminster Play—not
to the Westminster electors. We witnessed that
performance with a vast deal of pleasure, con-
siderably heightened by the profound conviction
that the actors would hereafter acquit themselves
quite as creditably in the parts of physicians,
barristers, judges, bishops, captains, colonels,
field-marshals, members of parliament, mer-
chants, and other leading characters, on the more
serious boards of real life.

If some ancient Roman could have arisen
from the Shades, and exchanged the pleasures
of the Elysian Fields for the gratification of
witnessing Terence, as interpreted by the West-
minster scholars, he would, no doubt, have been
considerably more amused than he ever was by
the same play in his own time and country. Eor
the levities of the Latin Momus are somewhat
ponderous; and we suspect that much more
fun was got out of our author, in the dormitory
of Westminster school, than ever was elicited
from him on the Roman stage. Indeed, the
Westminster boys turn a dormitory into a the-
atre, and we suspect that the ancient Romans
did precisely the reverse.

We fervently hope that some of our humbler
British dramatists may have witnessed the
Eunuchus of Terence, as the performance might
have suggested to them a flattering idea of the
immortality which may be reserved for a fifth-
rate comedy, "adapted from the French." It
is strange that a play should have so long
survived wherein there is little that is remark-
able except the plot—that being remarkable only
from the circumstance that the young actors,
with all their scholarship, could not possibly
translate it to their sisters, insomuch that the
virtuous Lord Chamberlain would, probably,
refuse to allow such a piece to be performed in
plain English.

But what would be too gross for the Coburg,
is delicate enough for youths and maidens, when
"veiled in the decent obscurity of a dead
language;" so the doctors have decided, and it
is not for Punch to say nay; though our young
Thespians enunciate the language of Terence
too nicely to permit us to question that they
know perfectly well what they are saying.

POSERS EOR THE ADMIRALTY.

The Lords of the Admiralty are entreated to
give their serious attention to the following ques-
tions :—

In wearing a ship, is the ship always put on ?
Whereabouts is the binnacle ?
How do you get to the top-gallant forecastle ?
What part of a vessel are the beam-ends ?

It is earnestly hoped that their Lordships will
endeavour to acquire, in regard to the points
above specified, those clear and accurate views
which are so necessary in the direction of nautical
affairs, and especially in the regulation of naval
architecture; as it is very desirable that no more
mistakes should occur in the enlargement and
repair of our wooden walls which the dangerous
state of affairs on the Continent may render
necessary.

LEICESTER SQUARE CONSPIRATORS.

The continental despots have been, it is said, remonstrating with our Government for
narbourag revolutionary refugees. This is a very short-sighted complaint; for there is no
place in the world where the anarchists are so likely to learn the principles of order as they
are Here; no atmosphere in which Red men so soon change their colour, and acquire a reve-
rence tor the policeman. Members of the "Mountain," after a very brief enjoyment of English
quiet, look with the same respect at our constables' staves, as their countrymen at home at the
not mucn more brilliant, and much less efficient, staff which surrounds the French President.
as to any plots that exotic democrats may hatch, we believe they are as harmless as the incu-
oation wnicn is carried on in the neighbourhood of the exiles by Mr. Cantelo in Leicester
square. Jjor the satisfaction of the ambassadors of arbitrary powers, Mr. Cantelo might add
co ms present establishment an exhibition of Socialist and Communist conspirators hatching
K^H \ sfnol5;e- °<ica sitting never comes to anything; no chickens are produced in England
from what may be termed Gallic cocks'eggs.