Punch: Punch (22.1852)

14

PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

PUNCH AND HIS CORRESPONDENTS.

aving hoped to have begun
the new year in peace, we
are sorry to say that we
have been disappointed,
and that

"Our rest has been broken by
riddle and pun."

We have serious thoughts
of indicting the postman as
a nuisance, for bringing us
the mass of correspondence
with which he invades the
sanctity of our hearth; for
we are obliged to throw the
great mass of it behind
the fire.

In an unguarded mo-
ment, we gave admission,
a week or two ago, to a
conundrum from Liver-
pool, by a "young gal,"
whose friends write to in-
form us that she has never
been the same creature
since, and that having once
tasted the intoxicating
sweets of our page, she
thirsts for another sip of
the maddening luxury. They entreat us to make room for one more
question from the infatuated juvenile, whose senses are evidently
whirling away in a melancholy reel, and who asks, " Why are persons
born deaf the most virtuous of beings ?" The reply, written in a
hand betraying delirium trevwns in an intense degree, alleges, that
" those born deaf are the most virtuous, because they never err'd." We
entreat the relatives of this "young gal" to call in Dr. Winslow
while there is yet time.

Some well-intentioned, but extremely irritating person, who writes
from Bath (if he were not there already, we should have told him to go
there), has more than " a little dashed our spirits" with the following:
"If Louis Napoleon take liberty from the press, what will be the
product ?—Dead letters !"

We are not generally of a speculative turn, but we would bet a
ha'porth of hardbake to an Archimedian screw of tobacco, that no
one will be able to see the wit of the above monstrosity.

We are always unwilling to discourage industry, even when its re-
sults are rather deficient in value, and it is therefore with some
reluctance that we crush any insane hopes that may have arisen in the
deluded breast of the manufacturer of the following. It will be seen
that there is a vast mass of material employed, and a quantity of
labour bestowed, on a matter which, when completed, excites rage
rather than satisfaction.

The irritating affair is provokingly called " A Con for Christmas."

" Why is a young lady who walks under the mistletoe like an old lady
standing on the edge of the pavement at Charing Cross with three
parcels, a basket, and an umbrella ?—Because she is looking out for a
buss."

It_ would be idle to ask what the author of the above atrocity is
looking out for, and it would perhaps be harsh to tell him what he
ought to expect.

It is a remarkable and melancholy fact, that age is no guarantee
against delinquency; for a gray-beard, writing from Chelsea—we hope
he is not in the Hospital, contaminating the veterans of that glorious
institution—asks, " What savoury dish his son in prison resembles ?"
and the reply of the wretched malefactor is, "Jugg'd hare (heir)."
There is an evident familiarity with the slang of the criminal population
in this assault upon our better feelings ; for "jugged" is only synony-
mous with " incarcerated" in the very vulgarest portions of the vulgar
tongue.

It was not to be expected that the correspondence, or rather the dif-
ference between Lord John Russell and Admiral Napier should be
allowed to pass, without its being made use of as an instrument of
torture to us, at the hands of a cold unfeeling world; and we have,
accordingly, been coolly assailed with the following, amidst some million
more, from the effects of which we are slowly, but by no means surely,
recovering:—

" What kind of dose is that which a celebrated Admiral has admini-
stered to the Premier, in the Times of Dec. 19th?—A-n-apier-ient !"

We cannot close the painful subject of our correspondence, without
entreating the public to send us no more jokes about Thiers, and tears,
and Ihiers parti, and guatre, and tierce, and volun-teers, of which we

have several tons, now awaiting the leisure of our butterman. As we
get rid of our waste paper by weight, and as much of it contains extra-
ordinarily heavy jokes, there is, after all, some value in the dullest of our
correspondents. They are therefore at liberty to send as usual.

A WILTSHIRE CAROL.

by a happy peasantry.

The origin of the English local ballads is, in most instances, lost in
the mist of antiquity. Circumstances, however, do still, occasionally,
evoke these effusions of the provincial mind. In many parfs of Wilts—
where, we understand, the farmers have reduced their labourers' wages
to 5s. and 6.?. a week, and in order to force them to accept these terms,
certain squires and parsons have taken away the skim-milk which had
previously been allowed them—the rural echoes resound with a plaintive
ditty, something to the following tenor:—

Six shillings a week, and no more milk;
And that's the way poor folks they bilk,
In their purple, fine linen, and broad cloth, and silk.
And 'twill be a happy New Year for we !

Our eyes they gets holler, our cheeks sinks in,
Our legs is mere spindles, our sides is as thin;
To keep a pig so they would say 'twas a sin.
Six shillings, &c.

The 'squires and the parsons preaches content,
Whilst they puts us to this here pun-ish-ment,
With our wages screwed down to keep up tithes and rent.
Six shillings, &c.

Bomba in Raptures.

When the news of Bonaparte's coup d'etat was brought to Bomba,
it is said that, in a paroxysm of delight at the tidings, his volcanic
Majesty actually embraced the officer who bore them.

We should not like to be embraced by Bomba. The embrace of
Bomba is suggestive of the kiss of Judas. In Bomba's arms one
would almost feel as if in those of the_ Popish image, which, in clasping
you to its bosom, pierced your own with daggers.

It is a pity that Bomba had a mere officer to fraternise with. How
happy he might have been in the hug of the Russian Bear !

The Member for Bodmin the greatest of Mathematicians.

In histories old, a fast knot to unloose,

Was what, we are told, had foiled many a goose ;

Till Great Alexander excited men's wonder

By taking his sabre to cut it asunder.

To tyros in Euclid the Pons Asinorum

Is always a problem that's certain to floor 'em.

That's nothing !—but when a professor, in vain,

In squaring the circle, has puzzled his brain,—

Lo ! Wyld found the secret, and made the world stare,

Who solves it by bringing a Globe to a Square.

the heat of the day.

Several of the "insurgents," whose rising seems to have been
confined to their getting up at the usual hour on the morning of the
Second of December, are to be sent to Cayenne. Many of them think
themselves fortunate in surviving to go to Cayenne, instead of having
been unmercifully peppered on the Boulevards.

the !new batch of omnibuses.

The bakers call the new batch of Id. and 2d. omnibuses that run
down Oxford Street and Holborn—" The Penny and Twopenny
Busters."

Best Price given for Old Bags."

Bank-notes are made, as we all know, of rags; but we never could
imagine they would fall lower in value than the materials they were
made of. And yet this is positively the case with the Austrian bank-
notes. The people will not have them at any price—not even at the
price given for Old Rags !

advice to young gentlemen.

Don't degrade yourselves by gambling on the Turf; if you do, the
veriest blacklegs will become your betters