DOI issue:
Punch's essence of parliament
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16615#0212
204
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
What happened to Smith after sending his wet Umbrella
TO BE AIRED IN THE KlTCHEN.
BISHOP BERKELEY v. DRUMMOND.
Mr. Punch presents his compliments to Lord Panmure, and begs
to suggest that he should restore to Bishop Berkeley, author of The
Minute Philosopher, his rightful property, unceremoniously handed over
by his Lordship to Mr. Drummond. We mean the property in the
figure of square men in the round holes, and round men in square.
Nothing, it was alleged, could go well with us until we had the right
men in the right places—
“ Or, my Lords, to use the quaint expression of my friend, Ms. Drosimond, until the
i square men shall be put into the square holes, and the round men into the round holes.”
[ [Laughter.)
Mr. Drummond, of course, never reads the Times; otherwise he
would, doubtless, have immediately written, disavowing all property in
j the “quaint expression,” too liberally given to him. “ The world seems
to me,” says the original author, “ to be like a board pierced with
square holes and round holes ; with the round pegs in the square, and
the square in the round.” Now let not a Cabinet Minister despoil of
I his own, even a Bishop. Mr. Drummond may be a great wit, but he
is not yet up to Bishop Berkeley ; hardly up to the Bishop’s beadle.
DOWN WITH THE LADIES.
We never heard anything so ungallant as the remarks made by
Lord Redesdale on the presence of Ladies at the debate on the
motion of Lord Ellenborough. The former Nobleman declared that
the presence of the fair sex depressed the eloquence of the best speakers
among the Peers, who were prevented from reaching the sublime by the
counteracting effects of the beautiful. It is strange that a sex so
remarkable for garrulity m itself should be the cause of the taciturnity of
others. We presume, of course, that all the Ladies present on the oc-
casion alluded to were beautiful, and it would have been more polite of
Lord Redesdale to have complimented them on this head at least, by
saying that “the power of speech of the Peerage was taken away, by
I seeing so many regular stunners m the way of female loveliness.”
Not a Magic Minstrel.
Herr Wagner, Professor of the “Music of the Euture,” appears,
m conducting at the Philharmonic, to have made strange work with
the music of ail time. He alters Mozart, it appears, if not exactly
as a parish clerk once said that lie had altered Haydn for the singing
gallery, yeQ m a manner nearly as audacious, altering “allegro ” to
“moderalo;” “andante" to “adagio“allegretto” to “andante;”
and “allegro” again to “prestissimo ” Wagner would seem strongly
to resemble his namesake in Faust, in the particular wherein that
Wagner differs from his master—that is, in the circumstance of being
ri" conjuror.
THE QUESTION AS TOUCHING INDIA!
(advertisement.)
The Indian Question is twofold, ordinary and extraordinary, at least
the latter is stated by that talented journal, the Press, to be practised,
as a means of judicial investigation, in a portion of our Indian posses-
sions, by the officials of ihe East India Company. One bianch of the
ordinary Indian Question is the inquiry respectfully addressed to the
HONOURABLE BOARD OE DIRECTORS
BY MESSRS. WRENCH AND GYVES,
SHEFFIELD, CUTLERS,
Manufacturers of Engines and Instruments in Hardware, Sfc.
Whether that statement of the Press can be relied on as authentic ?
Because, if so, Messrs. W. and G. confidently invite the attention of
the Honourable Board to their new and extensive Stock of
Instruments of Torture,
warranted to defy Competition, and exhibiting a great superiority to
the Apparatus in use during the
GOOD OLD TIMES.
In particular, they would recommend an early inspection of their
PATENT EXTRA-EXCRUCIATING THUMBSCREWS!
on a new and improved principle; warranted to extract the truth, or
its equivalent, in five minutes, with a degree of pain infinitely exceeding
that produced by the complicated proceeding of binding the fingers and
toes with twine, and driving pegs between them, at present resorted to
by the Company’s servants. W. and G. beg to submit to the notice of
the Directors a large assortment of
SELF ACTING SYNCLASCELES FERRO CALEFACIENT BOOTS!
I
in which the Leg is crushed by Machinery, and at the same time sub-
jected to the action of a high degree of Heat: thus possessing important
advantages over the old Iron Boot unsuccessfully employed for the
subjugation of the Scottish Covenanters. May be had of all sizes.
This invention will procure, in a few hours, results, which by the Indian
Stocks, with sharp-edged holes and ankle-pegs, are sometimes with
difficulty obtained in as many weeks. An ancient invention for the
infliction of suffering has been modified by W. and G., and is submitted
by them for approval to the Leadenhall Street authorities under the
appellation of
THE SCAVENGER’S YOUNGER DAUGHTER!!!
Through the judicious application of the lever, and other mechanical
principles, this instrument is capable of being worked by a child ; conse-
quently saving the executioner an amount of muscular exertion unduly
fatiguing in a warm climate. Whilst bending the body into an orbicular
. form it also, by means of a spring affixed to its lower end, applies the
bastinado to the soles of the fee* 1'. The trouble of hauling a prisoner
up to a tree by the arms lied behind liim, and beating him at the same
time with sticks on the shins, may thus be dispensed with, by an
operation which is as easy to the official as it is int oierable to the native.
Polished Metal Reelectors, for intensifying the effect of Exposure
in a state of nudity to the Rays of the Sun ; also Cayenne-Pepper
Inhalers, for causing suspected individuals to breathe the fumes of
Cayenne-pepper, volatilised by burning charcoal, which wall be found
much more convenient than the nosebag now employed, have also been
manufactured by W. and G. in great numbers ; but perhaps their most
perfect agonific apparatus will be pronounced to be their
STEAM RACK!!!!
which, by the exquisite suffering which it is adapted to inflict, extorting
any confession that can possibly be required, will altogether supersede
all the other modes of torture described by the Press, as well as those
which that journal refrains from mentioning. Wheels, with Iron
Bar, &c-., complete. Pincers, Branding Irons, &c. &c.
siggp N.B. Wrench and Gyves, Sheffield, Makers to His Majesty
the King of Naples.
A Poet's Prayer Granted.
Recollecting, as Mr. Punch sat with his toes on the fender, last
Friday week, that this was the merry month of roses, he felt inspired, amd
began au ode. He had, however, only got as far as “ Hail, May ! ”
■when didn't it ?
“a quiver full of daughters.”
Happy’ is he who—according to Lord Granville’s new version—
has a quiver full of daughters ; and happier still, if ail that are m the
quiver meet with the proper bow.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
What happened to Smith after sending his wet Umbrella
TO BE AIRED IN THE KlTCHEN.
BISHOP BERKELEY v. DRUMMOND.
Mr. Punch presents his compliments to Lord Panmure, and begs
to suggest that he should restore to Bishop Berkeley, author of The
Minute Philosopher, his rightful property, unceremoniously handed over
by his Lordship to Mr. Drummond. We mean the property in the
figure of square men in the round holes, and round men in square.
Nothing, it was alleged, could go well with us until we had the right
men in the right places—
“ Or, my Lords, to use the quaint expression of my friend, Ms. Drosimond, until the
i square men shall be put into the square holes, and the round men into the round holes.”
[ [Laughter.)
Mr. Drummond, of course, never reads the Times; otherwise he
would, doubtless, have immediately written, disavowing all property in
j the “quaint expression,” too liberally given to him. “ The world seems
to me,” says the original author, “ to be like a board pierced with
square holes and round holes ; with the round pegs in the square, and
the square in the round.” Now let not a Cabinet Minister despoil of
I his own, even a Bishop. Mr. Drummond may be a great wit, but he
is not yet up to Bishop Berkeley ; hardly up to the Bishop’s beadle.
DOWN WITH THE LADIES.
We never heard anything so ungallant as the remarks made by
Lord Redesdale on the presence of Ladies at the debate on the
motion of Lord Ellenborough. The former Nobleman declared that
the presence of the fair sex depressed the eloquence of the best speakers
among the Peers, who were prevented from reaching the sublime by the
counteracting effects of the beautiful. It is strange that a sex so
remarkable for garrulity m itself should be the cause of the taciturnity of
others. We presume, of course, that all the Ladies present on the oc-
casion alluded to were beautiful, and it would have been more polite of
Lord Redesdale to have complimented them on this head at least, by
saying that “the power of speech of the Peerage was taken away, by
I seeing so many regular stunners m the way of female loveliness.”
Not a Magic Minstrel.
Herr Wagner, Professor of the “Music of the Euture,” appears,
m conducting at the Philharmonic, to have made strange work with
the music of ail time. He alters Mozart, it appears, if not exactly
as a parish clerk once said that lie had altered Haydn for the singing
gallery, yeQ m a manner nearly as audacious, altering “allegro ” to
“moderalo;” “andante" to “adagio“allegretto” to “andante;”
and “allegro” again to “prestissimo ” Wagner would seem strongly
to resemble his namesake in Faust, in the particular wherein that
Wagner differs from his master—that is, in the circumstance of being
ri" conjuror.
THE QUESTION AS TOUCHING INDIA!
(advertisement.)
The Indian Question is twofold, ordinary and extraordinary, at least
the latter is stated by that talented journal, the Press, to be practised,
as a means of judicial investigation, in a portion of our Indian posses-
sions, by the officials of ihe East India Company. One bianch of the
ordinary Indian Question is the inquiry respectfully addressed to the
HONOURABLE BOARD OE DIRECTORS
BY MESSRS. WRENCH AND GYVES,
SHEFFIELD, CUTLERS,
Manufacturers of Engines and Instruments in Hardware, Sfc.
Whether that statement of the Press can be relied on as authentic ?
Because, if so, Messrs. W. and G. confidently invite the attention of
the Honourable Board to their new and extensive Stock of
Instruments of Torture,
warranted to defy Competition, and exhibiting a great superiority to
the Apparatus in use during the
GOOD OLD TIMES.
In particular, they would recommend an early inspection of their
PATENT EXTRA-EXCRUCIATING THUMBSCREWS!
on a new and improved principle; warranted to extract the truth, or
its equivalent, in five minutes, with a degree of pain infinitely exceeding
that produced by the complicated proceeding of binding the fingers and
toes with twine, and driving pegs between them, at present resorted to
by the Company’s servants. W. and G. beg to submit to the notice of
the Directors a large assortment of
SELF ACTING SYNCLASCELES FERRO CALEFACIENT BOOTS!
I
in which the Leg is crushed by Machinery, and at the same time sub-
jected to the action of a high degree of Heat: thus possessing important
advantages over the old Iron Boot unsuccessfully employed for the
subjugation of the Scottish Covenanters. May be had of all sizes.
This invention will procure, in a few hours, results, which by the Indian
Stocks, with sharp-edged holes and ankle-pegs, are sometimes with
difficulty obtained in as many weeks. An ancient invention for the
infliction of suffering has been modified by W. and G., and is submitted
by them for approval to the Leadenhall Street authorities under the
appellation of
THE SCAVENGER’S YOUNGER DAUGHTER!!!
Through the judicious application of the lever, and other mechanical
principles, this instrument is capable of being worked by a child ; conse-
quently saving the executioner an amount of muscular exertion unduly
fatiguing in a warm climate. Whilst bending the body into an orbicular
. form it also, by means of a spring affixed to its lower end, applies the
bastinado to the soles of the fee* 1'. The trouble of hauling a prisoner
up to a tree by the arms lied behind liim, and beating him at the same
time with sticks on the shins, may thus be dispensed with, by an
operation which is as easy to the official as it is int oierable to the native.
Polished Metal Reelectors, for intensifying the effect of Exposure
in a state of nudity to the Rays of the Sun ; also Cayenne-Pepper
Inhalers, for causing suspected individuals to breathe the fumes of
Cayenne-pepper, volatilised by burning charcoal, which wall be found
much more convenient than the nosebag now employed, have also been
manufactured by W. and G. in great numbers ; but perhaps their most
perfect agonific apparatus will be pronounced to be their
STEAM RACK!!!!
which, by the exquisite suffering which it is adapted to inflict, extorting
any confession that can possibly be required, will altogether supersede
all the other modes of torture described by the Press, as well as those
which that journal refrains from mentioning. Wheels, with Iron
Bar, &c-., complete. Pincers, Branding Irons, &c. &c.
siggp N.B. Wrench and Gyves, Sheffield, Makers to His Majesty
the King of Naples.
A Poet's Prayer Granted.
Recollecting, as Mr. Punch sat with his toes on the fender, last
Friday week, that this was the merry month of roses, he felt inspired, amd
began au ode. He had, however, only got as far as “ Hail, May ! ”
■when didn't it ?
“a quiver full of daughters.”
Happy’ is he who—according to Lord Granville’s new version—
has a quiver full of daughters ; and happier still, if ail that are m the
quiver meet with the proper bow.