DOI Heft:
Punch's essence of parliament
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16615#0242
234
RUi\(JH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
REFORMATORY FOR YOUNG GENTLEMEN.
NOT very long ago we called
attention to the advertise-
ment of a strong minded
” who was anxious
little girl who
mamma,
to place a
“gave her trouble” under
the charge of some Ogre
in the shape of a School-
mistress ; a “ Bogie, ” to
terrify the infant into a state
of subordination ending pos-
sibly in a result that would
prevent her from giving any
further “ trouble ” to any
one. Perhaps it was this
advertisement that sugges-
ted the idea of a School for
“Young Troublesomes” of
the superior class, whose
Parents or Guardians it is
supposed will “ gladly avail
themselves ” of an Institu-
tion where it is proposed to
collect those boys who, from
some defect in their mental
or moral constitution, have
fallen into habits which, if
not corrected, will inevitably
lead to their “destruction.”
We presume it is intended
to suggest to Parents and
Guardians a species of gen-
teel imprisonment for these
unfortunate young gentle-
men “ whose friends are
ofienat a loss how to dis-
pose of them.” The “ stipu-
lations ” printed in the pro-
spectus rather further this
idea, for it is suggested that “a boy should be kept at the School tor a considerable time, as
it is obviously impossible to effect a moral reformation within a limited period.” Considering
the tendency we have in the present day to make pets of our criminal population, we
wot der there is not a proposal to send our young thieves to genteel boarding schools. We
shall scarcely be surprised to find our criminal code so far altered in conformity with the spirit
of the age, that in a short time judges will be
found sentencing pickpockets to four years’ edu-
cation at a Public School, while delinquents of i
a more advanced age, may be committed for three
years to one of our Universities.
THE GOVERNMENT HAUL OF PLACES.
It has been estimated by somebody that “ in
the army, navy, church, and colonies, the Go-
vernment has 60,000 places to give away.”
According to the old dictum, then, that for every
favour accorded you may reckon upon making
out of every hundred persons ninety-nine your
enemies, and the other one ungrateful, it is
pretty clear that Government in the period of
one year must, in exchange for the 60,000 places,
be harassed by a host of not less than 60,000
ungrateful persons, besides being exposed to the
assaults of some 5,940,000 enemies, making alto-
gether a grand total of 6,000,000 persons, wno
are constantly arrayed in hostility against it.
The wonder, therefore, is, not that the Whig
Governments last for so short a time, but that
they last even so long as they do. We are
surprised that they are not turned out regularly
once a year, and even oftener. The only remedy
would be for the Whigs to keep the 60,000
places themselves, only we doubt if their party
could muster (throwing them in all the Greys
and Elliotts) half such a numerous force
throughout the United Kingdom. Perhaps the
best plan would be for Lord John, besides being
a Minister, and an Ambassador, and a Member,
and half a dozen things else, to fill the 60,000
places himself, and thus ensure the greatest,
amount of unanimity and unity amongst the
Whigs. But then there is another danger,—
who could guarantee that Lord John would
screen himself from the acts of his own ingrati-
tude, or that he would not turn out an enemy to
himself? The safest expedient would be to
abolish at least one half the places, keeping only
those that were absolutely necessary, for Govern-
ment may depend upon this truth in political war-
fare—the fewer the places, the fewer the enemies.
THE FINALIST AND THE FATAL L8T.
1 J^mic at SFtcnna.
“ I had several conversations with the very intelligent and able ambassador of the
Porte, and he protested against any article being entertained in the treaty by which
the Porte should be called upon to renounce in any way her independence, and be
made to depend upon the Christian Cowers with regard to her own internal affairs.”—
Lord John Russell, House of Commons, June 5.
CHARACTERS.
LORD JOHN RUSSELL. AALI PASHA.
THE PASHA’S INTERPRETER.
Apartment of the Pasha.
Lord John (entering). Sail’em alike’em. (Aside) I know that *s right.
Aali (smiling). Alaikoom salaam. (Conducts Lord John to his seat.)
Hosh Geldin. (Pipes and coffee are introduced. After some minutes,
Interpreter. Is my Lord willing to commence the conversation ?
Lord John. Yes, if it would be the polite thing, for I have smoked
quite as much as is good for me, to say the least.
interpreter. What shall I say for my Lord.
Lord John. Well, begin with some general remarks on the satisfac-
tory character of our conferences, and express a hope that the nego-
ciations may effect the desired result.
Interpreter (translating). The little English messenger compliments
your Excellency on the excellence of your tobacco.
Aali. Why, if he likes it, does he grimace over it like a ghoul over
an empty grave ? Chabuk—get on.
Interpreter. My Lord, his Excellency reciprocates your sentiments,
and fervently implores Allah that the objects the plenipotentiaries
have in view maybe accomplished, which he thinks they will be, mainly
on account of your Lordship’s wisdom.
Lord John. He is very kind, and I duly appreciate the compliment
he is so good as to pay me, little as I may deserve it.
Interpreter. Some day, your Excellency, the small messenger hopes
he shall see your Excellency at his poor house in London.
Aali. What does he think I should want to descend into that pit of
Sheitau for? May his grandmother’s wig be defiled.
Interpreter. His Excellency feels that though unworthy to be your
Lordship’s guest, he has now something to live for.
Lord John. Well, civilities apart, now to business. I want you to
explain to his Excellency that, in consideration of the great trouble,
expense, and loss which the Allies have incurred on behalf of Turkey,
we expect that the Sultan will enable us to say that Turkey shall be
managed in a better fashion for the future, and that her law-courts,
finances, and so on, will undergo administrative reform.
Aali. Will that fountain of muddy water bubble away for ever?
Wliat does the Bosh-koku say ? Speak—is your face blackened, dog ?
Interpreter. Mashallah—Heaven forbid, your Excellency. I am but
a spout before you, to convey the waters of that fountain, yet I fear ts
offend.
Aali. Beast of blackness, and ass of absurdity, speak. Do you pre-
sume to think that you are anything in our sight?
Interpreter. Mashallah, again, Excellency. The little man, from the
nation of shopkeepers, would drive a bargain with our Sovereign Lord,
the Lather of all the Sovereigns of the Earth, the Refuge of the World,
the Successor of the Prophet, the Shadow of—
Aali. Your feet thirst for the stick, nor shall they thirst in vain.
What is his accursed offer?
Interpreter. May your slave quiet him with a word, and I will explain ?
(To Lord John). His Excellency says, my Lord, that your She-king
is a wise She-king, and that his Master is also wise, and that all shall
be well; also that there is but one Allah, and Mahommed is his
prophet.
Lord John. He is under a mistake in that last point, and I must lend
him some of the works of my friend Dr. Cumming. But I am not
bigotted, and I do not mind admitting that Mahommed was a leader of
remarkable energy and genius, and that there are many passages of
unexceptionable merit in the Koran.
Aali. We wait, dog. What was his demand?
Interpreter. Excellency, the small messenger intimates—on his head
be the blame, not on mine—that the Infidels have done much for
Turkey, and, in return, they wish that the management of the country.
RUi\(JH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
REFORMATORY FOR YOUNG GENTLEMEN.
NOT very long ago we called
attention to the advertise-
ment of a strong minded
” who was anxious
little girl who
mamma,
to place a
“gave her trouble” under
the charge of some Ogre
in the shape of a School-
mistress ; a “ Bogie, ” to
terrify the infant into a state
of subordination ending pos-
sibly in a result that would
prevent her from giving any
further “ trouble ” to any
one. Perhaps it was this
advertisement that sugges-
ted the idea of a School for
“Young Troublesomes” of
the superior class, whose
Parents or Guardians it is
supposed will “ gladly avail
themselves ” of an Institu-
tion where it is proposed to
collect those boys who, from
some defect in their mental
or moral constitution, have
fallen into habits which, if
not corrected, will inevitably
lead to their “destruction.”
We presume it is intended
to suggest to Parents and
Guardians a species of gen-
teel imprisonment for these
unfortunate young gentle-
men “ whose friends are
ofienat a loss how to dis-
pose of them.” The “ stipu-
lations ” printed in the pro-
spectus rather further this
idea, for it is suggested that “a boy should be kept at the School tor a considerable time, as
it is obviously impossible to effect a moral reformation within a limited period.” Considering
the tendency we have in the present day to make pets of our criminal population, we
wot der there is not a proposal to send our young thieves to genteel boarding schools. We
shall scarcely be surprised to find our criminal code so far altered in conformity with the spirit
of the age, that in a short time judges will be
found sentencing pickpockets to four years’ edu-
cation at a Public School, while delinquents of i
a more advanced age, may be committed for three
years to one of our Universities.
THE GOVERNMENT HAUL OF PLACES.
It has been estimated by somebody that “ in
the army, navy, church, and colonies, the Go-
vernment has 60,000 places to give away.”
According to the old dictum, then, that for every
favour accorded you may reckon upon making
out of every hundred persons ninety-nine your
enemies, and the other one ungrateful, it is
pretty clear that Government in the period of
one year must, in exchange for the 60,000 places,
be harassed by a host of not less than 60,000
ungrateful persons, besides being exposed to the
assaults of some 5,940,000 enemies, making alto-
gether a grand total of 6,000,000 persons, wno
are constantly arrayed in hostility against it.
The wonder, therefore, is, not that the Whig
Governments last for so short a time, but that
they last even so long as they do. We are
surprised that they are not turned out regularly
once a year, and even oftener. The only remedy
would be for the Whigs to keep the 60,000
places themselves, only we doubt if their party
could muster (throwing them in all the Greys
and Elliotts) half such a numerous force
throughout the United Kingdom. Perhaps the
best plan would be for Lord John, besides being
a Minister, and an Ambassador, and a Member,
and half a dozen things else, to fill the 60,000
places himself, and thus ensure the greatest,
amount of unanimity and unity amongst the
Whigs. But then there is another danger,—
who could guarantee that Lord John would
screen himself from the acts of his own ingrati-
tude, or that he would not turn out an enemy to
himself? The safest expedient would be to
abolish at least one half the places, keeping only
those that were absolutely necessary, for Govern-
ment may depend upon this truth in political war-
fare—the fewer the places, the fewer the enemies.
THE FINALIST AND THE FATAL L8T.
1 J^mic at SFtcnna.
“ I had several conversations with the very intelligent and able ambassador of the
Porte, and he protested against any article being entertained in the treaty by which
the Porte should be called upon to renounce in any way her independence, and be
made to depend upon the Christian Cowers with regard to her own internal affairs.”—
Lord John Russell, House of Commons, June 5.
CHARACTERS.
LORD JOHN RUSSELL. AALI PASHA.
THE PASHA’S INTERPRETER.
Apartment of the Pasha.
Lord John (entering). Sail’em alike’em. (Aside) I know that *s right.
Aali (smiling). Alaikoom salaam. (Conducts Lord John to his seat.)
Hosh Geldin. (Pipes and coffee are introduced. After some minutes,
Interpreter. Is my Lord willing to commence the conversation ?
Lord John. Yes, if it would be the polite thing, for I have smoked
quite as much as is good for me, to say the least.
interpreter. What shall I say for my Lord.
Lord John. Well, begin with some general remarks on the satisfac-
tory character of our conferences, and express a hope that the nego-
ciations may effect the desired result.
Interpreter (translating). The little English messenger compliments
your Excellency on the excellence of your tobacco.
Aali. Why, if he likes it, does he grimace over it like a ghoul over
an empty grave ? Chabuk—get on.
Interpreter. My Lord, his Excellency reciprocates your sentiments,
and fervently implores Allah that the objects the plenipotentiaries
have in view maybe accomplished, which he thinks they will be, mainly
on account of your Lordship’s wisdom.
Lord John. He is very kind, and I duly appreciate the compliment
he is so good as to pay me, little as I may deserve it.
Interpreter. Some day, your Excellency, the small messenger hopes
he shall see your Excellency at his poor house in London.
Aali. What does he think I should want to descend into that pit of
Sheitau for? May his grandmother’s wig be defiled.
Interpreter. His Excellency feels that though unworthy to be your
Lordship’s guest, he has now something to live for.
Lord John. Well, civilities apart, now to business. I want you to
explain to his Excellency that, in consideration of the great trouble,
expense, and loss which the Allies have incurred on behalf of Turkey,
we expect that the Sultan will enable us to say that Turkey shall be
managed in a better fashion for the future, and that her law-courts,
finances, and so on, will undergo administrative reform.
Aali. Will that fountain of muddy water bubble away for ever?
Wliat does the Bosh-koku say ? Speak—is your face blackened, dog ?
Interpreter. Mashallah—Heaven forbid, your Excellency. I am but
a spout before you, to convey the waters of that fountain, yet I fear ts
offend.
Aali. Beast of blackness, and ass of absurdity, speak. Do you pre-
sume to think that you are anything in our sight?
Interpreter. Mashallah, again, Excellency. The little man, from the
nation of shopkeepers, would drive a bargain with our Sovereign Lord,
the Lather of all the Sovereigns of the Earth, the Refuge of the World,
the Successor of the Prophet, the Shadow of—
Aali. Your feet thirst for the stick, nor shall they thirst in vain.
What is his accursed offer?
Interpreter. May your slave quiet him with a word, and I will explain ?
(To Lord John). His Excellency says, my Lord, that your She-king
is a wise She-king, and that his Master is also wise, and that all shall
be well; also that there is but one Allah, and Mahommed is his
prophet.
Lord John. He is under a mistake in that last point, and I must lend
him some of the works of my friend Dr. Cumming. But I am not
bigotted, and I do not mind admitting that Mahommed was a leader of
remarkable energy and genius, and that there are many passages of
unexceptionable merit in the Koran.
Aali. We wait, dog. What was his demand?
Interpreter. Excellency, the small messenger intimates—on his head
be the blame, not on mine—that the Infidels have done much for
Turkey, and, in return, they wish that the management of the country.