Punch (41.1861)

202

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[November 16. 1861.

AN ORDER WE HOPE TO SEE ISSUED FROM SCOTLAND YARD.

“ The Police ha»e strict orders to Bonnet, put in a Sack, and Lock dp
all Urchins who disturb the Peace of the Metropolis by screaming out
‘Dixies’ Land.’ ”

MINIMISED MUSIC.

Not in any way connected with Lord Bacon’s Novum
Organon, a new organ has been patented bearing the new
title of the “ Minima Organ.” Among other good qualities,
it is said to have “ great compass,” notwithstanding its
small size, and such ‘power of expression” and “sweet-
ness of tone,” as must subdue ana mollify the sourest of
the critics. Moreover, it is very “ delicately voiced,” and
although intended chiefly, of course, to please the ear, it
is not devoid of ocular attractions; for like a gent in a
police-court, it has an “elegant exterior,” and nobody
who makes its acquaintance can deny that there certainly
is something of the Swell about it. Its chief excellence,
however, is its marked economy of space as well as cost
and the saving it effects will doubtless highly recommend
it to people with small parlours and purses made to
match.

This much we have learnt from a description of the organ
which the Times and Morning Post, and several other organs
of opinion, have supplied. All that we would add is, that
if what is said be true, we trust that the street organists
wdl soon be furnished with these organs, instead of the
old cracked-voiced squeaking instruments of torture where-
with they have been hitherto permitted to torment us.
To victims like ourselves, who unhappily are gifted with a
good ear for good music (and therefore suffer aural martyr-
dom, of course, when hearing bad), it would be a great relief
were street organs invested with a “ sweetness of tone,” in
lieu of the shrill harshness wherewith they now afflict us •
and if they were made more “delicately voiced,” we should
be less apt to consider them a nuisance. We wish then
that some affluent and charitable people would get up a
society to furnish these new organs to the grinders in the
streets, and give them some instruction so to play upon
the “ Minima,” that they may extract a minimum of noise
from it. Of street organs we may say that the less they ’re
heard the better: and for such purpose the “Minima”
seems evidently fit, as of all organs its name implies that
it must be the least. We are ever willing to encourage
good inventions; and as these small organs must be suited
for small parties, we grant hereby our gracious permission
to their maker to forward us a dozen as a present to our
little ones, who, not being like the Minimas. at all “ deli-
cately voiced,” would doubtless shriek and shout their
shrillest at the sight of such nice playthings, i.e., things
whereon to play.

OUR FEMALE IRONSIDES.

Crinoline is now assuming proportions which can only be correctly
described as Cyclopean. It has taken a position as an article of hard-
ware on a gigantic scale. What it has come to will be terrifically
obvious from the subjoined advertisement, cut out of the Sheffield In-
dependent :—

sion from any force under that of an Armstrong gun. They are already
coming it a good deal too strong in their steel casings, and carrying
more metal than what a reasonable man would willingly take in tow.
The rolls of cold Crinoline with which they encircle themselves are an
eyesore and an inconvenience against which it is much to be wished
that an application to the Master of the Rolls could procure an
injunction.

WANTED, a Cold CRINOLINE ROLLER, to work six pairs of Rolls.

* ' None but first-rate Workmen and steady men will be engaged. Apply to W.
H. Brown a Co., Albion Iron and Steel Works.

Sheffield is the only place where the manufacture of Crinoline is
possible, now that the forges of Etna have ceased working. When
Vulcan forged the bolts of Jove, he little dreamt of being called upon
to forge the petticoats of Venus. As the husband of that goddess, he
would have objected to her wearing steel petticoats, and in his capacity
of blacksmith would at least have declined to make them. Wanted, at
an Iron and Steel Works, “ a Cold Crinoline Roller.” What monstrous
engine is that which the Cold Crinoline Roller has to manage; of
how many horse-power to work six pairs of Rolls ? One, evidently,
whose tremendous powers can only be trusted in the hands of a
first-rate workman and a steady man. Fancy the iron clang attend-
ant on the obstinate resistance offered by the cold hard Crinoline to the
forcible operation of rolling. In its previous hot stage, glowing red on
the stithy, Crinoline must present a sight of appalling splendour. Ho !
ho! how the sparks must flash and fly from the ruddy ribs of steel
under the thumps of the contemporary Tubal-Cain, or more probably,
the strokes of the Nasmyth steam-hammer!

We have now both steel clad men of war and steel-clad women, and
she same powerful machinery as that required for plating a vessel seems
necessary to case the female sex in mail. Our steam rams walk the
waters, or ought to do so by this time- and perhaps we shall soon
have steam ewes, so to speak, walking the thoroughfares in armour,
and running the unfortunate passengers down. The maidens of England
will be so strongly fortified that they will be susceptible of no impres-

WILL YOU BUY ME THEN AS NOW ?

(The Indian Cotton Question.)

You have told me that you want me, and of course the truth you

gpeak

For your looms half time are working, and your cotton you’ve to
seek, ,

No “ American” obtaining, under that severe blockade

By the Northern States established, which suspends the Southern

But if North and South should happen ever to conclude their row
Ere the ruin of their commerce, wul you buy me then as now ?

Somewhat lower price that other article may then combine
With a quality superior in a small degree to mine.

Money having been invested in the labour and the land
Needful for my cultivation, with a view to your demand,

Can I trust that you’ll continue faithful to your present vow ?
Better market once more open, will you buy me then as now F

Logical and Theological.

The Mormons, through Mr. Brigham Young, have sent in their
adhesion to the North. Of course. The leading doctrine of Mormomsm
is Union without Affection.