DOI issue:
November 30, 1861
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16868#0233
November 30, 1861.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
221
THE BALLAD OF MARY NEWELL.
See Police Bevorts.
ow, list ye, fair ladies, a tale
I will tell,
’Tisabouta maidservant, one
Mary New-ell,
Who contri-ved her Master to
rob and to sell:
Was not this a ’cute cunning
minx Mary New-ell ?
Her master he lived near the
Vauxhall Bridge Road,
In the Gardens ’clept Bess-
borough lay his abode.
His name it was Barker, the
truth I do tell.
And the name of his servant
was Mary New-ell.
Now one morning her Missus
unto her did say,
“ Mary Newell, we ’re
going this night to the
Flay, , . ,
So be sure yon keep m-doors,
and see that all’s well,”—•
“ Oh, yes, I ’ll be sure, Mum,”
says Mary New-ell.
The evening it came, and the evenhig it passed,
For alas! pleasant evenings for ever won’t last:
Home to supper they went, and they rang the door-bell.
And they knocked at the knocker for Mary New-ell.
They rang and they knocked, and they knocked and they rang,
Till the streets they re-echoed with thump and with clang,
At length Mr. Barker, exhausted, said, “Well,
Something surely has happened to Mary New-ell.”
Now you servants be warned, and at home mind you stay
Whenever your missuses go to the play :
Or you haply may share the sad fate that befell
That “ eccentric ” young person, Miss Mary New-ell.
AMERICAN NOTIONS ON ENGLISH NEWSPAPERS.
From the New York Herald and Liar,
The Times. The organ of the fashionable world, edited by a committee
of aristocrats in Relgrave Square, and pledged to the demolition of
the Union.
The Daily News. The avowed organ of Toryism, but under the
control of Lord Shaftesbury and the canting pietists of Exeter Hall.
The Post. A public-house paper, advocating rowdyism of all kinds,
but with some gleams of right views as to the beauty of American
democracy, which, however, it advocates only from the vilest motives.
The Herald. Frantically radical in words, but secretly sold to
Spurgeon and Co.
The Chronicle. A high-priced paper, which exists by fawning upon
the antiquated dowagers of Mayfair.
The Advertiser. A cheap organ, supported solely by the aristocracy
and the Clubs, for the dissemination of Toryism. Edited by Sir Hope
Grant, son of Lord Glenelg, a fierce and truculent aristo.
The Star. Mr. Disraeli’s private property, and used by him to
attack freedom generally and Americans in particular.
The Telegraph. The canting malignant organ of aristocratic Dissent
and Puritanism.
Bell's Life. As its name imports, a paper that would call everybody
to Church as the only duty or pleasure in the world.
The Press. Read only by the lower classes, and a violent but hypo-
critical advocate of the ballot.
The Dispatch. Another aristocratic organ, which publishes lying maps,
in which every attempt is made to show the United States as an insig-
nificant territory.
Punch. A publication so foul and degraded that it is never admitted
into the few respectable households that still exist in the rotten old
island.
MILITARY MURDER AND SUICIDE.
Mr. Allen his neighbour, disturbed by the din, _
Cried, “ A oack window’s open, I’ll try and get in: ”
So he entered, alack! and what language can tell
The sight that he saw there, 0 Mary New-ell!
In the passage a pail full of liquid there stood,
The liquid was red, and it look-ed like Blood !
And a poker lay broken, with hair on’t, to tell
How some one had murdered poor Mary New-ell !
The house had been ransacked—rooms turned inside out—
Drawers open—plate packed up—clothes scattered about:
But ’twas strange that no trace could be found of the el-
-egant form of the murdered one, Mary New-ell.
The police being called, an inspector there came.
His division was B, and eke Humphreys his name :
He just sniffed up and down stairs, then said he, “ I smell
A rat in this business. Miss Mary New-ell.”
Information receiving, to Yarmouth lie goes,
A place famed for bloaters, with hard and soft roes,
There in boots, coat, and breeches he sees a young Swell—
Now who would have dreamed ’twas Miss Mary New-ell ?
This young Swell, whom he managed so neatly to nab,
Lots of luggage to Shoreditch had brought in a cab ;
There had smoked a cigar hoping so to dispel
All idea of her being fair Mary New-ell.
She had cut her hair short, she had cropped every curl,
She had dressed in man’s clothes, had this artful young girl:
She had dined, smoked, and chatted like any young Swell—
Was not this a bold brazen minx, Mary New-ell ?
Back to London at once by the rail she was brought.
And appeared ’fore the Beak at the Westminster Court,
To him Mr. Barker his story did tell;
Ah ! she hung her head down then, did Mary New-ell.
The charge being heard, says 1 he Beak, “ I shall send
This here case to a jury, my tricksy young friend: ”
So off in the Van to a snug little cell
In the House of Detention went Mary New-ell.
In order to put a stop to the shooting of officers by private soldiers
it has been recommended, in every case of such murder, to hold a
drum-head court-martial, and hang the murderer on the spot. An
excellent plan if it would answer; but perhaps it would be found only
to increase the crime which it was intended to put a stop to. The life
of common soldiers appears very generally to be rendered so miserable
as to make them tired of it; and the prospect of being hanged at once
for shooting their officers would perhaps be only an additional tempta-
tion to them to shoot their officers.
There may be some reason in the policy of making soldiers tired of
life with a view to encourage them to risk it on occasion with alacrity;
but this policy is pushed too far when it urges men not only to expose
themselves to being shot, but also to incur the certainty of being
hanged. Officers fight bravely enough without the inducement of
misery to impel them to court death and commit virtual suicide ; but
then, to be sure, officers are generally actuated by a faith and inspired
with a hope of which a private can have no idea, and regard death as
merely the entrance to a higher life.
However before the drum-head court-martial, and the summary
gallows are resorted to, it may be advisable to try the better treatment
of the men in the ranks, whom it will be difficult to render, by the
greatest kindness, too comfortable to be willing to fight and fall. If
the more humane expedient should fail, then perhaps it may be advisable
to try the less. _
A ROYAL ENGRAVING BY DOO.
The Ex-King of Naples in answer to a deputation wno went
through the solemn mockery of presenting him with, a sword, which
is about as useful to him as a razor-strop would be to a baby, said
with most facetious gravity:—
“ The Queen and I shall preserve eternally engraved on our hearts the names o!
you aU. ’’
How they are to be engraved, we cannot tell, unless it is by the pro •
cess of lithography._
Nidification extraordinary.—AVery curious fact, illustrative as
it is of the partial severity of the season, is the discovery which has
recently been made, of a Martinet’s nest at Woolwich.
The Last Insult to America. — Edwin James becomes an
American Citizen.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
221
THE BALLAD OF MARY NEWELL.
See Police Bevorts.
ow, list ye, fair ladies, a tale
I will tell,
’Tisabouta maidservant, one
Mary New-ell,
Who contri-ved her Master to
rob and to sell:
Was not this a ’cute cunning
minx Mary New-ell ?
Her master he lived near the
Vauxhall Bridge Road,
In the Gardens ’clept Bess-
borough lay his abode.
His name it was Barker, the
truth I do tell.
And the name of his servant
was Mary New-ell.
Now one morning her Missus
unto her did say,
“ Mary Newell, we ’re
going this night to the
Flay, , . ,
So be sure yon keep m-doors,
and see that all’s well,”—•
“ Oh, yes, I ’ll be sure, Mum,”
says Mary New-ell.
The evening it came, and the evenhig it passed,
For alas! pleasant evenings for ever won’t last:
Home to supper they went, and they rang the door-bell.
And they knocked at the knocker for Mary New-ell.
They rang and they knocked, and they knocked and they rang,
Till the streets they re-echoed with thump and with clang,
At length Mr. Barker, exhausted, said, “Well,
Something surely has happened to Mary New-ell.”
Now you servants be warned, and at home mind you stay
Whenever your missuses go to the play :
Or you haply may share the sad fate that befell
That “ eccentric ” young person, Miss Mary New-ell.
AMERICAN NOTIONS ON ENGLISH NEWSPAPERS.
From the New York Herald and Liar,
The Times. The organ of the fashionable world, edited by a committee
of aristocrats in Relgrave Square, and pledged to the demolition of
the Union.
The Daily News. The avowed organ of Toryism, but under the
control of Lord Shaftesbury and the canting pietists of Exeter Hall.
The Post. A public-house paper, advocating rowdyism of all kinds,
but with some gleams of right views as to the beauty of American
democracy, which, however, it advocates only from the vilest motives.
The Herald. Frantically radical in words, but secretly sold to
Spurgeon and Co.
The Chronicle. A high-priced paper, which exists by fawning upon
the antiquated dowagers of Mayfair.
The Advertiser. A cheap organ, supported solely by the aristocracy
and the Clubs, for the dissemination of Toryism. Edited by Sir Hope
Grant, son of Lord Glenelg, a fierce and truculent aristo.
The Star. Mr. Disraeli’s private property, and used by him to
attack freedom generally and Americans in particular.
The Telegraph. The canting malignant organ of aristocratic Dissent
and Puritanism.
Bell's Life. As its name imports, a paper that would call everybody
to Church as the only duty or pleasure in the world.
The Press. Read only by the lower classes, and a violent but hypo-
critical advocate of the ballot.
The Dispatch. Another aristocratic organ, which publishes lying maps,
in which every attempt is made to show the United States as an insig-
nificant territory.
Punch. A publication so foul and degraded that it is never admitted
into the few respectable households that still exist in the rotten old
island.
MILITARY MURDER AND SUICIDE.
Mr. Allen his neighbour, disturbed by the din, _
Cried, “ A oack window’s open, I’ll try and get in: ”
So he entered, alack! and what language can tell
The sight that he saw there, 0 Mary New-ell!
In the passage a pail full of liquid there stood,
The liquid was red, and it look-ed like Blood !
And a poker lay broken, with hair on’t, to tell
How some one had murdered poor Mary New-ell !
The house had been ransacked—rooms turned inside out—
Drawers open—plate packed up—clothes scattered about:
But ’twas strange that no trace could be found of the el-
-egant form of the murdered one, Mary New-ell.
The police being called, an inspector there came.
His division was B, and eke Humphreys his name :
He just sniffed up and down stairs, then said he, “ I smell
A rat in this business. Miss Mary New-ell.”
Information receiving, to Yarmouth lie goes,
A place famed for bloaters, with hard and soft roes,
There in boots, coat, and breeches he sees a young Swell—
Now who would have dreamed ’twas Miss Mary New-ell ?
This young Swell, whom he managed so neatly to nab,
Lots of luggage to Shoreditch had brought in a cab ;
There had smoked a cigar hoping so to dispel
All idea of her being fair Mary New-ell.
She had cut her hair short, she had cropped every curl,
She had dressed in man’s clothes, had this artful young girl:
She had dined, smoked, and chatted like any young Swell—
Was not this a bold brazen minx, Mary New-ell ?
Back to London at once by the rail she was brought.
And appeared ’fore the Beak at the Westminster Court,
To him Mr. Barker his story did tell;
Ah ! she hung her head down then, did Mary New-ell.
The charge being heard, says 1 he Beak, “ I shall send
This here case to a jury, my tricksy young friend: ”
So off in the Van to a snug little cell
In the House of Detention went Mary New-ell.
In order to put a stop to the shooting of officers by private soldiers
it has been recommended, in every case of such murder, to hold a
drum-head court-martial, and hang the murderer on the spot. An
excellent plan if it would answer; but perhaps it would be found only
to increase the crime which it was intended to put a stop to. The life
of common soldiers appears very generally to be rendered so miserable
as to make them tired of it; and the prospect of being hanged at once
for shooting their officers would perhaps be only an additional tempta-
tion to them to shoot their officers.
There may be some reason in the policy of making soldiers tired of
life with a view to encourage them to risk it on occasion with alacrity;
but this policy is pushed too far when it urges men not only to expose
themselves to being shot, but also to incur the certainty of being
hanged. Officers fight bravely enough without the inducement of
misery to impel them to court death and commit virtual suicide ; but
then, to be sure, officers are generally actuated by a faith and inspired
with a hope of which a private can have no idea, and regard death as
merely the entrance to a higher life.
However before the drum-head court-martial, and the summary
gallows are resorted to, it may be advisable to try the better treatment
of the men in the ranks, whom it will be difficult to render, by the
greatest kindness, too comfortable to be willing to fight and fall. If
the more humane expedient should fail, then perhaps it may be advisable
to try the less. _
A ROYAL ENGRAVING BY DOO.
The Ex-King of Naples in answer to a deputation wno went
through the solemn mockery of presenting him with, a sword, which
is about as useful to him as a razor-strop would be to a baby, said
with most facetious gravity:—
“ The Queen and I shall preserve eternally engraved on our hearts the names o!
you aU. ’’
How they are to be engraved, we cannot tell, unless it is by the pro •
cess of lithography._
Nidification extraordinary.—AVery curious fact, illustrative as
it is of the partial severity of the season, is the discovery which has
recently been made, of a Martinet’s nest at Woolwich.
The Last Insult to America. — Edwin James becomes an
American Citizen.