DOI issue:
December 21, 1861
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16868#0258
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 21, 1861.
GREAT WESTERN. 3 A M.
‘ ‘ Why the deuce do yon. always Ya wn when you look at me, Sir, Hay ?■ ”
“ Why the deface do you always Look at me, Sir, when I'm Yaw—haw—hawking l”
PATIENCE AND PREPARATION.
“ Let us be calm,” say you, Join* Bright ?
Oh yes, we will be calm;
But that we may not have to fight,
We’ll show that we can arm.
By meek submission to a blow
You make a bully brave;
But if a ready fist you show,
Your pardon he will crave.
Yes, life is precious, useful gold,
Nor idly to be lost;
But if we would our honour hold,
We must not count the cost.
We seek no quarrel: but, if war
Be foully on us thrust,
Unnerved it shall not find us, nor
With sword made blunt by rust.
We wait their answer calmly, but
With hand upon the hilt:
If they the gate of peace would shut.
Be theirs alone the guilt.
The Fellow for Finsbury.
The Electors of Einsbury have not as yet
found a Liberal candidate to their mind. The
sort of Liberal that the free and independent
electors of that incorruptible borough would
like to get hold of, is one that would be will-
ing to stand a contested election, and spend
£6,000.
A Caution to Sinners.—According to a
popular saying, the Evil One looks over Lin-
coln. Yes, and he seems also to have his eye
on Seward
ENLARGING THE AREA OF A POLICEMAN’S
DUTIES.
A Deputation of Berkshire Magistrates waited on Sib. George
Grey last Thursday for the purpose of obtaining information respect-
ing the views of Government on the question of agricultural statistics.
The general feeling of the meeting was opposed to the Police being
employed to collect the latter. Mr. Walter, M.P., said:—
“If the Police were only to be employed to deliver the notices and to collect them
when filled up, some persons asked why should not that be done through the Post-
office or the overseers. People suspected some mystery when the agency of the
Police was used. ”
We can easily imagine what the “ mystery ” in the minds of most
persons would be. It would take the form (if nothing worse) of an
inquisitorial inquiry into the provisional government of the establish-
ment. No Englishman’s castle would ever be safe. It would be
liable at all times to an invasion from the Police—the part of the
Castle that would command his best attention being, of course, “ the
keep.”
In fact, if a gentleman were to find a Policeman in his kitchen, and
the latter were to excuse himself by saying, “ Please, Sir, I’ve called to
collect agricultural statistics,” we do not see what the master of the
house could say against it even though the debris of the enjoyed love-
feast were still lying on tne table to protest against the truth of his
story. The above _ handy excuse will be as good as a latch-key to a
Policeman to let himself in to a countiy gentleman’s house as often
as he pleases. The reports he will make afterwards will be most
amusing of their kind. They will be as pleasant as the reports of
squibs that boys scatter amongst each other for their amusement. We
can imagine a party of these large blue-coat boys bounding with
pleasure over the explosion of one. How they would laugh, and jump,
and go through a “ perfect cure ” of delight!
We can conceivethe report taking some such form as the following :
“This ’ere is to testify that I have been to Squire Broadacre’s farm and
these are the agricultural statistics that I have been able to collect
there. He keeps three servants, of which one is a Cook. She is about
twenty-five, and has two chins, besides a strawberry mark on her right
harm. The beer is uncommon good. There are hot joints twice a
week. The housemaid has the making of the toast. The best day for
calling is Sunday, as they mostly always has company up-stairs. The j
lady’s made wears false hare. Cheese only good for Welsh rabids.
Missus locks up tea and sugar, pickles and spirits. Family goes to bed
at eleven. Beware of the big dog in the yard let lose always at the
same time. Cooks wages is ten lbs. a-year, and a bottle of gin on
Christmas day with missusses’ hold close. Examined the larder, and
this is what I found inn side. Breast of wheel, very low. Dish of cold
potaties, 10 and a bit. Likewise of melted butter with parsley. Small
nuckel of am, in very bad cut. Side of baking. 2 Ropes of unniongs,
4 loaf of bread, 1 plate of salt butter, 3 red earrings, and box of onn-
Chovy paste. The family also keeps a gig, a cat, a 8 day clock, a pony,
a boy in the stable, a parrot, a pig, and a peramblehater. They dines
at four o’clock—broken scraps only on the Saturday. They washes at
home, takes the plate basket up to bed with them, ill-treats the servants,
never pays until their maid to pay, and goes to church twice on the
Sunday.”
We have slightly altered the above report, so as to make it commonly
intelligible, for the Police are not always distinguished men of letters.
However, it says quite enough, we contend, to prove the expediency
of keeping Commissioner Mayne’s busy corps of blue-bottles out of
our larders and households. A Policeman is a woll that every English-
man should struggle to keep from his door.
The Police were instituted to apprehend persons and not facts. Only
let this prowling agricultural commission be established in their favour,
and we shall soon be requiring a companion to M. Michelet’s ful-
minating book of “Priests, Women, and Families,” to be written in
order to denounce the paul-prying evil; and a not inappropriate
title for such a counterblast against the encroachments of Scotland
Yard would be “ Policemen, Servants, and Families.” We doUt
want the Peeler to perform in England the character the Pretre is
supposed to fill in France.
High Church and Low Language.
Lately has been published the fourth edition of a work entitled
Crispin Ken, by the author of Marian May, with a New Chapter, A
Word to Churclunen. It is to be feared that Crispin Ken is more likely
to suggest a new phrase to costermongers. “ Ken,” in the language of
the lower orders, is an abode, and “Crispin” everybody knows to be a
name for a shoemaker. Crispin Ken is a title which will most likely be
borrowed by vulgar persons from a genteel Church novel, and appro-
priated to a cobbler’s stall.
A Contrast.—English character personified is John Bult . That
of America is embodied in Jonathan Bully.
GREAT WESTERN. 3 A M.
‘ ‘ Why the deuce do yon. always Ya wn when you look at me, Sir, Hay ?■ ”
“ Why the deface do you always Look at me, Sir, when I'm Yaw—haw—hawking l”
PATIENCE AND PREPARATION.
“ Let us be calm,” say you, Join* Bright ?
Oh yes, we will be calm;
But that we may not have to fight,
We’ll show that we can arm.
By meek submission to a blow
You make a bully brave;
But if a ready fist you show,
Your pardon he will crave.
Yes, life is precious, useful gold,
Nor idly to be lost;
But if we would our honour hold,
We must not count the cost.
We seek no quarrel: but, if war
Be foully on us thrust,
Unnerved it shall not find us, nor
With sword made blunt by rust.
We wait their answer calmly, but
With hand upon the hilt:
If they the gate of peace would shut.
Be theirs alone the guilt.
The Fellow for Finsbury.
The Electors of Einsbury have not as yet
found a Liberal candidate to their mind. The
sort of Liberal that the free and independent
electors of that incorruptible borough would
like to get hold of, is one that would be will-
ing to stand a contested election, and spend
£6,000.
A Caution to Sinners.—According to a
popular saying, the Evil One looks over Lin-
coln. Yes, and he seems also to have his eye
on Seward
ENLARGING THE AREA OF A POLICEMAN’S
DUTIES.
A Deputation of Berkshire Magistrates waited on Sib. George
Grey last Thursday for the purpose of obtaining information respect-
ing the views of Government on the question of agricultural statistics.
The general feeling of the meeting was opposed to the Police being
employed to collect the latter. Mr. Walter, M.P., said:—
“If the Police were only to be employed to deliver the notices and to collect them
when filled up, some persons asked why should not that be done through the Post-
office or the overseers. People suspected some mystery when the agency of the
Police was used. ”
We can easily imagine what the “ mystery ” in the minds of most
persons would be. It would take the form (if nothing worse) of an
inquisitorial inquiry into the provisional government of the establish-
ment. No Englishman’s castle would ever be safe. It would be
liable at all times to an invasion from the Police—the part of the
Castle that would command his best attention being, of course, “ the
keep.”
In fact, if a gentleman were to find a Policeman in his kitchen, and
the latter were to excuse himself by saying, “ Please, Sir, I’ve called to
collect agricultural statistics,” we do not see what the master of the
house could say against it even though the debris of the enjoyed love-
feast were still lying on tne table to protest against the truth of his
story. The above _ handy excuse will be as good as a latch-key to a
Policeman to let himself in to a countiy gentleman’s house as often
as he pleases. The reports he will make afterwards will be most
amusing of their kind. They will be as pleasant as the reports of
squibs that boys scatter amongst each other for their amusement. We
can imagine a party of these large blue-coat boys bounding with
pleasure over the explosion of one. How they would laugh, and jump,
and go through a “ perfect cure ” of delight!
We can conceivethe report taking some such form as the following :
“This ’ere is to testify that I have been to Squire Broadacre’s farm and
these are the agricultural statistics that I have been able to collect
there. He keeps three servants, of which one is a Cook. She is about
twenty-five, and has two chins, besides a strawberry mark on her right
harm. The beer is uncommon good. There are hot joints twice a
week. The housemaid has the making of the toast. The best day for
calling is Sunday, as they mostly always has company up-stairs. The j
lady’s made wears false hare. Cheese only good for Welsh rabids.
Missus locks up tea and sugar, pickles and spirits. Family goes to bed
at eleven. Beware of the big dog in the yard let lose always at the
same time. Cooks wages is ten lbs. a-year, and a bottle of gin on
Christmas day with missusses’ hold close. Examined the larder, and
this is what I found inn side. Breast of wheel, very low. Dish of cold
potaties, 10 and a bit. Likewise of melted butter with parsley. Small
nuckel of am, in very bad cut. Side of baking. 2 Ropes of unniongs,
4 loaf of bread, 1 plate of salt butter, 3 red earrings, and box of onn-
Chovy paste. The family also keeps a gig, a cat, a 8 day clock, a pony,
a boy in the stable, a parrot, a pig, and a peramblehater. They dines
at four o’clock—broken scraps only on the Saturday. They washes at
home, takes the plate basket up to bed with them, ill-treats the servants,
never pays until their maid to pay, and goes to church twice on the
Sunday.”
We have slightly altered the above report, so as to make it commonly
intelligible, for the Police are not always distinguished men of letters.
However, it says quite enough, we contend, to prove the expediency
of keeping Commissioner Mayne’s busy corps of blue-bottles out of
our larders and households. A Policeman is a woll that every English-
man should struggle to keep from his door.
The Police were instituted to apprehend persons and not facts. Only
let this prowling agricultural commission be established in their favour,
and we shall soon be requiring a companion to M. Michelet’s ful-
minating book of “Priests, Women, and Families,” to be written in
order to denounce the paul-prying evil; and a not inappropriate
title for such a counterblast against the encroachments of Scotland
Yard would be “ Policemen, Servants, and Families.” We doUt
want the Peeler to perform in England the character the Pretre is
supposed to fill in France.
High Church and Low Language.
Lately has been published the fourth edition of a work entitled
Crispin Ken, by the author of Marian May, with a New Chapter, A
Word to Churclunen. It is to be feared that Crispin Ken is more likely
to suggest a new phrase to costermongers. “ Ken,” in the language of
the lower orders, is an abode, and “Crispin” everybody knows to be a
name for a shoemaker. Crispin Ken is a title which will most likely be
borrowed by vulgar persons from a genteel Church novel, and appro-
priated to a cobbler’s stall.
A Contrast.—English character personified is John Bult . That
of America is embodied in Jonathan Bully.