Punch (51.1866)

December 22, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

255

A LITTLE TALK WITH A YOUNG MAN.

Mr. Punch. Lyulph Stanley, my boy, come here. I want to speak
to you.

Lyulph. Awfully honoured, I am sure. Sir.

Mr. P. You are, Sir. For you have written a silly letter about me,
and instead of treating it as I treat ninety-nine out of a hundred imper-
tinences, I condescend to talk it over with you. Do you know why ?

Lyulph. Well, no, I really can’t say. My father’s a Peer, and all that.

Mr. P. Don’t be absurd. Do you think that I should take notice of
a young man of seven-and-twenty for no better reason than that ?

Lyulph. It is not much of a reason, certainly. Upon my honour, I
can’t give any other, though, unless you happen to be so good as to
think rather well of my intentions.

Mr. P. That’s nearer the mark, young man. Five hundred young
aristocrats might have scolded at a picture of mine, and I should have
heeded them just as much as if they were five hundred scavengers,
unless they had something better than the accident of birth to recom-
mend them to my notice.

Lyulph. I am glad you see something better in me.

Mr. P. Sir, I had consigned your ridiculous letter to the waste-
basket when I read a speech which you made, aud in which there are
some things that give me a notion that you may have something in you,
and may mature into a statesman.

Lyulph. You make me very happy.

Mr. P. No doubt, Sir. But I tell you as frankly that if you wish
for my favour and the regard of the country, you must at once abandon
your youthful habit of writing about things which you have not taken
the trouble to understand.

Lyulph. Have I made that mistake, Sir ?

Mr. P. Have you, Sir ? Take this picture in your hand. Look at
it. This is the picture which you, the Honourable Edward Lyulph
Stanley, son of Lord Stanley of Alderley, have not been ashamed to
describe as follows. Listen to your own words. Sir :—

“ How is it that by the side of all this virtuous indignation expended against
Mr. Bright, there is no word of condemnation for a most truculent proposal in last
week's Punch ? The large picture suggests dealing with the Irisb, as we dealt with
the Indian mutineers, and lest the reference should be misunderstood, there is
another paragraph pointing out that guns loaded with powder alone are a most
effective means of repression—that is, advocating the blowing of Irish peasants
from guns.”

Lyulph. I had not even that poor excuse. I have no excuse—I
siucerely beg your pardon, and I can say no more.

Mr. P. A gentleman desires no more. Take more care for the
future, and at present take a cigar. How’s your father ?

A NEW PLEASURE FOR PUNCH.

Mr. Punch, the other day, had the pleasure of experiencing a new
and delightful sensation. He read, in a newspaper, as follows :—

“General Peel and the Armv.—Hitherto a married soldier, whether a non-
commissioned officer or a private, has when on detached duty had the burthen
thrown upon him of maintaining his wife and family in the garrison which he has
temporarily left. By a recent order of the War Office this is no longer to be the
case. The wife and family are to be allowed rations out of the Government stores,
or, if preferred, the wife is to receive 3d., and each of the children 1 \d. a-day inssead.

The pleasure experienced by Mr. Punch, for the first time for many a
day, was that of being pleased with the British Government for an
act on its part towards the British Army. That this act, an act of
the barest consideration remained lo be done, is a fact that reflects
great disgrace on all preceding administrations. We have been accus-
tomed from time immemorial to hear Ministers in Royal Speeches tell
the House of Commons that “ the estimates have been framed with a
due regard to economy”—which was altogether false. They were
always framed without any regard to economy, which means exact dis-
tribution, but with an undue regard to parsimony and petty saving.
So, whilst the supplies were s quandered on the one hand, the soldiers
were pinched on the other. Now, when the men are sent from a
garrison on detached duty, their wives aud families will no longer be
left behind to starve. This is not to be regarded as an improvement
in a merely sentimental sense. The occasional liability of a soldier’s
wife and children to starvation was one of the objections to a soldier’s
life which tended to keep decent men out of the Army, and at any rate
prevented them from re-enlisting. These objections must be removed,
if the Queen’s service is to compete successfully with more easy
and remunerative employment. The alternative will be conscription,
and a lot which, for those who have no passion for a military fife, is
penal servitude with the chance of violent death or mutilation. Mr.
Punch begs to congratulate a Conservative Government on the adop-
tion of a liberal policy, which he hopes it will maintain, in its treatment
of the Army.



You wrote that, I believe. Sir ?

Lyulph. Yes, I did. Bat now that I look again at the picture, I see
that I nave entirely mis-described it.

Mr. P. O, you see that, do you? Well, Sir, as my friend Dr.
Pusey says that confession is good for young fellows, be good enough
to confess what blunders you have made. I say “ blunders,” for a
gentleman supposes that when another gentleman tells untruths, it is
by inadvertence.

Lyulph. I thank you. Sir. I have, however, been guilty of worse
than inadvertence. I ought to have examined the picture carefully,
and even then, if I had disapproved of it, I ought to have been modest
enough to suppose that Mr. Punch, who was fighting the battle of pro-
gress before I could spell, might be a better judge than myself of what
was fitting for the time.

Mr. P. You justify the hope I entertain of you. Still, yon may as
well prove to me that you see your errors.

Lyulph. I entirely mis-stated your meaning, though it was clear
before my eyes. Your picture is not truculent.

Mr. P. What is truculent ? It is not so long since you were at
school.

Lyulph. From the Latin truculentia, and means fierce, savage, bar-
barous.

Mr. P. Go on.

Lyulph. I implied that your admirable likeness of a brutal Fenian
clown was a type of Ireland, though there sits close to him the real
type of Ireland, that beautiful and saddened woman.

Mr. P. Ho ! you see that.

Lyulph. I do. And I see that yon meant that it was on that trucu-
lent Fenian, the savage who was designing to bring the hideous horrors
of civil war into a peaceful country, that vengeance ought to fall.

Mr. P. And you see that ?

Lyulph. I am really ashamed more than I can tell yon.

Mr. P. Never mind telling me that. Yon are a gentleman, and
therefore I take the shame tor granted. But there is more. I have
read to you what you say about “another paragraph.” Now, that is
a more flagrant case than the first, because you have actually reversed
what I said.

Lyulph. Pray pardon me. I must have been in an awful muddle.

Mr. P. Not to put too fine a point on it, I think you must. What
I wrote was in answer to a bellowing Yankee Fenian, and what I
expressly said, was that I hoped we should be able to do without
blowing away even the ruffian Stephens into Dublin Bay. And this
yon have been good enough to call the advocacy of blowing Irish
peasants from guns. My young friend, had you dined ?

NEW SAILING ORDERS.

(To be in force on or after the next Ultimo instant.)

The Darkest Night.—Any man not knowing when the darkest night
is will be discharged.

Inquiries can be made any day at the Admiralty from 10 till 1,
excepting from 1 till 2, when all hands are piped to luncheon.

The Rule of the Rowed at sea is similar to the rule of the sailed.

No ship must come into collision with another.

If two steamers are on the starboard tack, they must return to the
harbour and begin again.

Any steamship likely to meet another steamship must reverse and
go somewhere else.

Any Admiral out after 12 o’clock will be locked up wherever he is.

Nobody, however high in command, can be permitted to sit on a
buoy out at sea for the purpose of frightening vessels.

All complaints to be made to the Adimralty, or to one of the
Mounted Sentries at the Horse Guards.

An Admiral is on duty all night to receive complaints.

Every Mounted Marine on joining must bring his own fork, spoon
' and towel horse.

If two vessels are meeting end on, take one end off. The other loses
and forfeits sixpence.

Any infringement or infraction of the above rules and regulations
will be reported by the Head Winds to the Deputy Toastmaster for
the current year at Colwell-Hatchney.

N.B. On hand a second-hand pair of gloves for Boxing the Compass.
Remember the 26th of December is near, when they may be wanted.
The equivalent of a Chaplain-General to the forces has been appointed.
He is to be called Chaplain-Admiral to the Fleet. The cockpits are
being turned into pulpits. If not ready by next Sunday he will deliver
his first sermon from the maintop gallant jibboom mizen. The Colney-
Hatches will be crowded.

The Same Thing under Another Name,

People are unreasonable enough to complain of their horses being
■ lamed over the sharp granite now being widely laid down on the west-
j end thoroughfares, ana to insist upon it that as Lord John Manners
promised a steam-roller to macadamise the rough stone, a steam-roller
should be employed. Lord John may at least plead that he has set
several hundred horse-power to the work.