Punch (78.1880)

January 17, 1880.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

13

NEW LEAVES.

The annual ceremony of Turning’ Over a New Leaf on the commencement of a
new year took place on Twelfth Night, with the customary solemnities.

The scene was simple, hut impressive. The Great Book of 1880, sumptuously
bound and emblazoned, was borne in on the shoulders of the oldest inhabitants,
and its pages, vast, white, and immaculate, opened on the outstretched wings
of a resplendent golden eagle, supported on either side by Britannia and a
Yeoman of the Guard.

A flourish of trumpets sounded as each member of the noble company rose
from his seat, advanced to the Eagles, and, with grave deliberation, turned over
a leaf, and inscribed thereon, one, two, or three promises and engagements for
the current year. The number is thus limited that the burden of responsibility
may not be insupportable. We can only select a few examples of the new leaves
turned over in the.Book of 1880.

The Sultan.—“I will reform, and he a better Sovereign. I will do all Sir
Henry Layard tells me. I will never again put the British Fleet to the incon-
venience of steaming up the Dardanelles.”

Emperor of Russia.—“ I will not he embarrassed and impoverished by more
wars, conquests, or armed expeditions. I will try the experiment of a Repre-
presentative Government. I will shut up Siberia.”

The Three Emperors.—“We will keep up very small armies, just sufficient
for garrison duties. We will form a Holy Alliance of Peace with one another,
and of good-will towards all Sovereigns and peoples.”

France.—“ We will be a moderate, patient, and, in fact, model Republic.”
Egypt.—“We will pay our debts. If our new Khedive is not strong
enough, we will put Gordon Pasha in his place.”

United States.—“We will go for Free Trade. W"e will send Mr. Parnell
about his business. We will he better friends with John Bull than ever.”

South African Colonists.—-“ We will pay the Zulu bill.”

Earl of Beaconsfield.—“I will not devise so much employment for Her
Imperial Majesty’s land forces. As an agreeable variation, I will attend to
domestic legislation—though, as one seriously meditating speedy dissolution, I
can’t be expected to attend much to such a trifling matter.”

_ Chancellor of the Exchequer.—“ I will bring forward an early Budget. I
will not leave heavy hills for my successor to pay. I will do my best not to
increase the Income-tax.”

Mr. Gladstone.—“I will contract my correspondence. I will shorten my
speeches. I will take office with Lord Granville and Lord Hartington, if
needful.”

Mr. Mackonochie and other Ritualists.—“We will remember that we are
Ministers of the Reformed Church of England. We will obey the law. We will
not tout for Popery.”

Home-Rule M.P.'s.—“ We will do all we can to stop agitation, and prevent
lawlessness in Ireland. We will be good boys next Session.”

The City Companies.—”’ We will not have more than four great dinners a
year. We will spend a million of money on Technical Education. We will unite
with the Corporation of London in soliciting a Royal Commission of Inquiry.”
Proctors for Convocation.—“ We will talk less. We will do more. Better,
perhaps, than either—we will not meet at all.”

“ George Eliot.”—“ I will write another novel like The Mill on the Floss.”

• Punch (doubtful whether it is not all a dream).—“ Rcan’t be better, but
l 11 try to be as good as ever.”

ODE TO A SKYLARK.

[From a Modern Point of View.)

“ As for larks, they are evidently a doomed race. There are,
it appears, some thousands of people in this Metropolis, who,
when other birds fail, or simply as a change, think nothing of
putting a dozen larks in a dish. It is almost as bad as the five
thousand nightingales’ tongues served up on the table of the
Roman Emperor.”—Times.

Hail to thee, plump beauty !

Meant thou never wert
Just to sing; thy duty
Is to glad the heart

Of gourmand and gourmet, and well thou play ’st thy part.

Higher still, and higher
Taste thy value raiseth;

Bon vivant high-flyer
Nought thy price amazeth ;

Praising he pays for thee, and paying for thee praiseth.

What thou art who knows not ?

What is like to thee ?

From ruff and ree there flows not
Gout more sweet to me.

Snipe, ortolan? Pooh-pooh! Woodcock? Oh! fiddle-
dedee!

Like ambrosial viand,

For immortals fit!

Thee ’tis sweet to buy and
O’er thee gloating sit,

With keenest yearning faint for thee, thou sweet tit-bit!

Sound of knife and fork,

Or the chinking glass,

Molars hard at work,

All that ever was

Melodious to mine ears, thy singing doth surpass.

Not for that it tells
Of the standing corn,

Or the hyacinth bells ;

But on it are borne

Delights of toothsomeness bards only hold in scorn.

Bards are most absurd,

Though esteemed divine;

I have never heard
Praise of love or wine

So rapturous one-half as this my song on thine !

Chorus hymeneal
Or erotic chaunt
Matched with mine would he all
Humbug, empty vaunt—

Mere words in which the gourmet feels an aching want.

What objects are the theme
Of the delicious strain ?

What dishes seen in dream
Of thee, or spiced or plain !

What savoury succulence ! what yearning faint and fain!

Done o’er charcoal fire,

What more sweet can be ?

Art, Song, Love may tire,

But my taste for thee,

Roast, or in crisp croustade, knows no satiety.

As to discontent
At thy being slain,—

’Tis sick sentiment
In fool’s feeble brain.

Dying to he well dressed, who says thou diest in vain?

Bards know not what they ’re after;

They sing a deal of rot,

Theme for a gourmand's laughter,—

Hang the wrangling lot!

The sweetest songs are those that speak of plat or pot!
Better than all measures
Of mere tinkling sound,

Are the toothsome treasures
In thy substance found,

Thou bird of fumet fine, of body plump and round!

Sang I half the gladness
Tbat thou mak’st me know,

Such gastronomic madness
From my lips should flow,

All mouths would water then as mine is watering now!