Punch: Punch (82.1882)

LONDON CHARIVARI.

[February 11, 1882.

DIPLOMATIC ANSWER.

Lcuhj Godiva. “ But surely, Doctor, you don’t approve of
'THOSEJ HORRID iEsTHETIO FaSHIONS IN 'WOMEN’S DrESS ? ”

The Doctor. “Mv deah Madam, so dong as a Woman is Beatj-

TIFUL, SHE MAY WEAB WHATEYER SHE LIKES, FOR Me ; AND IF SHE
isn’t, what does it MATTER wiiat she wears?”

[.Lady G. thinlcs the Doctor a most delightful person, ancl quite
agrees with him !

KED FIRE FOK BLUEMANTLE.

Referring to the composition of the Special Deputation re-
cently appointecl by the German Emperor to convey to the Sultan
the insignia of the “ Most distinguished and lofty Order of the
Blaclc Eagle ”—the Garter of Prussia—a Contemporary points out
that not only is it remarlcable in the matter of rank, since it includes
a Prinee or two, and apparently a Monarch, and some ancient
dvnasty alluded to in the official list as “ Captain Henry XYIIL,”
but that considered in its highest light as a bit of diplomatic
theatrical display, it is perhaps quite unsurpassable.

“ As regards soldierly physique, and variety and impressiveness of uniform,
no better selection of special Envoys could have been made, and the Oriental
mind, they say, is singularly susceptible to outward magnificence and show.”

It is to be hoped that after this European coup de theatre in the
veryheart of Stamboul, the reviving foreign Bondholders will get
their promised half per cent. regularly. Meantime, might not the
Authorities at Heralds’ College take a hint ? It is admitted on all
hands that the ceremonial connected with the investiture of our own
time-honoured Garter, when condueted by commission in a Con-
tinental capital, never fails, by reason of its wildly grotesque
characteristics, to produce peals of laughter, spite every effort of
local etiquette to take the honour seriously. Garter King-at-Arms,
in full dress, is apparently irresistible ; and the other day at Madrid
it is well known that evervbody concerned was in uncontrollable fits.
As the ceremony is about to be, if not already, repeated in the case
of His unoffending Majesty the King of Saxonv, could not some-
thing be done on the Prussian lines in the way both of “ physique ”
and of “ variety and impressiveness,” too ? Why not, in addition to
the usual official announcement tkat the

“ Earl of Fife and Sir Albert Woods will be accompanied. by Mr.
George Cockayne, Lancaster Herald, and Mr. Edward BELLAsis, Blue-
mantle Pursuivant of Arms,”

can it not be intimated that “ H.R.H. the Duke of Cambridgke, a
couple of^ Beefeaters, the Hall-Porter at the Criterion, and the Lord
Mayor, firmly secured on the back of one of Mr. Sanger’s largest
and freshest elephants, also joined the distinguished party at the
last moment.” Such a following, together with a little judicious
red fire let off at intervals during the progress of the proceedings,
could not fail to impress everybody. German “ ideas ” are always
worthy of respectful attention ; and if it is not too late, and Etis
Saxon Majesty has not already been holding his sides, while the Earl
of FiEE has been shaking in convulsions over his Royal knee, some-
thing might yet be done to rescue the most honoured and ancient
distinction in Europe from that region of broad farce into which it
seems slowly but surely to be settling.

LAYS OF A LAZY MINSTREL.

THE GAY EOGOGRAPIIER.

Believe me, I ’d shatter the indolent fetters
That long have enchained me and held me too fast;

I ’d earnestly try to reply to my letters,

That shouid have been answered the week before last;

I ’d get up betimes, and I ne’er would be surly,

Nor slumber till Twelve like an underbred hog;

I wouldn’t play pool, and I ’d go to bed early—

But can't on account of the Fog !

I ’d square up at once with that man in the City,

And even I ’d ask Uncle Foozle to lunch ;

Oh, I would be wise, as I always am witty,’

And finish at once those smart papers for PunchF
No more at the weather would I be a railer ;

No longer our climate I ’d eeaselessly slog.

I ’d settle at once with my hatter and tailor—

JBut ccm’t on account of the Fog !

I ’d go and take part in the dreariest of' dinners,

The prosiest praters I’d ne’er try to snub ;

And Borewell would find me the best of all grinners
At all the old stories he tells at the Club.

At slow Kettledrums I would often be present,

And talk like a fool or a prim pedagogue ;

To rudest relations I ’d sometimes be pleasant—

JBut can't on account of the Fog !

I ’d pay all those calls I so long have neglected,

And highest opinions deservedly earn;

And do proper things such as none e’er expected—

That borrowed umbrella at once I ’d return.l
I ’d browse in a pasture of virtuous clover,

I cannot detail all the long catalogue
Of countless new leaves I would gladly turn over—

But can't on account of the Fog !

* The evidence of his wisdom and wit is in this line.—Ed.
f 'Wliat does he mean by a “ smart paper ” ? Does he want to start as a
fumishin°- Poet in opposition to Mr. Morris ? Let him continue to furnish
us with verses; that’s all we want from a miustrel: none of his “smart
papers.”—En.

+ “ That borrowed umbrella”—no—those umbrellas, but not borrowed—
only, of course, “ taken by accident.” Return, and allshall be forgiven.—Ed.

UPS AND DOWNS.

Tliree Extracts from the Diary of a TurJcish Bondliolder.

1862.—Well, if this isn’t the luckiest day in my life. By Jove,
I’ve managed to collar what I wanted in Turks. Every halfpenny
I ’ve got safe in ’em ! Income trebled. Happy thought, celebrate
the event hy a Richmond dinner, bracelet all round for the girls,
and a new brougham for Maria. Tom shall go to Oxford. Mem:
ask price of Pilling’s yacht. Things are brightening and no
mistake.

1872.—The worst day I ’ve had at. the crossing yet, fancy. Pil-
ling passed to-day, and gave me a bad halfpenny. He must have
reeognised me. I wish Tom made more in the cat’s-meat liue.
However, Maria seems happy over the washing. Saw a real Turk
to-day get off an omnibus. Hit him hard over the legs with the
broom. Felt happier.

1882.—No—don’t tell me such good news all at once. It’s too
much for one. What ?—are thev really going to pay one per cent. if
we let ’em off arrears ! A fact ? Is it ? Then here go three cheers
for the Sultan ! I always said your Turk was a real gentleman at
bottom. Heaven bless him ! I shall be able after all to live in a
back street at Brixton, and give Maria, when she wants it, a three-
pound-ten funeral! Joy !