Punch: Punch (87.1884)

December 20, 1884.]

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

289

PRACTICAL !

“Os yes—Capital Supper ! But I wasn’t very Hungry, so I just told
the Waiter to bring me the Mrangs, you know.”

“ Oh, Tommy ! That’s not the way to pronounce M-e-r-i-n-g-u-e-s ! ”
“No; but ir’s the way to get ’em !”

A BALLAD OE BILLIARDS.

[The billiard season has commenced, and Cook and Roberts
and other professionals have made some long scores.]

. The billiard season .has begun,

And we shall see full many a run,

That’s made by hook or crook ;

The ordinary game is hard,

But when you come to “ spot shot barred,”

Then take a leaf from Cook.

Though some folks sneer about the spot,

The amateur will catch it hot,

Who tries the stroke to make;

It's easy when a Roberts plays,

But duffers find to their amaze,

They ne’er achieve a “ break.”

Don’t listen to the books which say
That mathematics make your play,

They only lead to shame;

Dor since ail billiards began,

’Tis practice only makes a man
An expert at the game.

One Roberts, in the days of old,

As many sporting prints have told,

Was champion of all;

But now young Roberts, Peall, and Cook
Have brought the veteran to book,

And win with cue and ball.

But leave professionals their play,

We ’ll show yon a more charming way
To circle tables green,

A fair antagonist oppose,

A lady who too surely knows

What “ winning hazards ” mean.

She’li “pot” yon with supremest grace,

A smile upon her pretty face,

And delicately score ;

And though at billiards you wield
A doughty cue, upon that field,

Yon ’re lost for evermore.

A Cabinet Question. — “ Has the Government a
Policy '( ” Of course. A Policy of Marine Insurance.

TILE LORD MARE AMONG THIEVES !

I don’t seem quite to see wot things is a eumming to with all this
i wheelagig of change a turning round ns. It seems to me as if
i dignerty, the one golden key that binds the hupper classes together
1 from the familyarity of the mere wulger mob, was a letting of itself
down jest a peg or two too lo. I well remembnr, sum year or so ago,
egspressing them same sentimens to the Lord Mare’s State Coaeh-
!man, jest after he’d bin a driving his Lordship to the .Jewnear
j Garrick Club, and he quite agreed with me, and if anyboddy ort to
know sumthing about dignerty, I shood s’pose as he ort. “Them
play-actor3 and hartists, Robert,” says he, “is all werry well in
their way, and all werry emusing in their way, and in their rite
place, but snmtimes familyarity does breed a sumthink that isn’t
quite the same as respec, and Lord Mares without no respec is sum-
think like Royalty without no money.”

Them was reel words of wisdom, them was, and I laid ’em to art.

I My wnn consolashnn was that at enny rate we had got to the werry
lowest depth of improperiety, little thinking that, as the Poet says,
within the werry lowest depths there’s a werry much lower ’un, and
that a coming Lord Mare wood plunge hedlong into it. But so it is,
and ony about a fortnit ago a site was seen in Little Wild Street,
Drewry Lane, as praps Drewry Lane itself in its werry Wildest days
never even emadgmed ! Let any sane Gent, or thortfool Lady, try
to emadgine the Rite Hounerabul the Lord Mare of Lundon taking
supper, in a most frendly way, with sum hnndereds of theeves and
other bad carakters ! and wot a supper for his poor Lordship! Cold
Beef and Pickels, and cold plumb pudden! It gives me quite a cold
shudder to think of it. And not a drop of ginerons wine to help to
dergest it. I wnnder what Mr. Alderman Savoury, who akumpaned
his Lordship, thort of the unsavoury maynew ?

As if to pile up the staggerers ’till one amost busts with estonish-
ment, I’m told as a Judge took the Chair! and then, as a clymacks
to the hole wundurful proceedins, the Theeves acshally gave the
Secretary a gold watch! I was not told weather it were a new ’un.

However, there’s one consolation for us all, even in such a hinci-
d^nt as this. It doesn’t seem much to matter to a reel Lord Mare,
sitch as we has now, where he goes, or who he meets, he can allers
hold his own, and. be respected alike by all, from the Prince on his
throne down to the poor penitent thief in Wild Street, Drewry Lane.
And so it was on this most remarkable ocashun. He fust gives ’em
sum of that good adwiee, witch is so werry much easier to give than
to toiler ; he then gives ’em sum real manly pitty, and acshally tells
’em as, arter all, it’s ony a matter of luck as one of them wasn’t a
Lord Mare, and be summat wery different! Talk of umblin verself
before your betting men, think of a Lord Mare humbling hisself
afore thieves ! But his Lordship doesn’t even stop there, but, hear-
ing as how as their kind friends wants jest about a thousand pound
or so, jest to keep ’em strait through the summer, he promises to
speak to one or two of the much abused City Companies, and get ’em
the money; and as this was wot one of the helderly theeves called
“ eumming to the pint,” didn’t they all jest cheer.

So now, having got ’ em all into the werry best of good humers,
and in jest the werrv best mood for reseiving a good himpression
from this good type of a Lord Mare, he acshally hofiers to resite ’em
a littel poem, and acordingly, with that bootiful woice of his that he
nose so well how to use, he repeats to ’em all the true story of “ Ring
Bruce and the Spider,” of witch I spose the moral is “ Try again.

Weather that was the best maxim to instil into a Penny tent Thief-.
I must leave others to judge, but this I must and will say, that,
admitting, for the sake of argyment, as it’s rite under any circum-
stances for the werry hiest to mingle with the werry lowest, his
Lordship went through the trying hordeal not only without losing a
single ounce of his ofishal dignerty, but in a way that, if posserbeJ,
hadded to it, __ Robert.

Literary Intelligence.—The Readers of the First Edition of
Mr. Browning’s works are, like the Edition itself, thoroughly ex-
hausted. They are now taking a rest, and hope it will he some time
before the Second Edition is ready.