Punch (91.1886)

i

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 3, 1886.

The Parties have spoiled many j Farewell to the Season! How
parties, I dingy

Dished many a dinner and [ A pall seems this close pre-
dance; mature.
Oh, out on Joe's anger and! The shirkers, the stumped, and
Hasty's, the stingy

That drove them to war d May welcome the change to he
outrance ! sure;

And if the Midlothian tall-talker ! But votaries of Commerce and

Solicits the Shopkeepers' vote, i Cupid,
The answer will he one loud' Young seekers of fortune or
"Walker!" fame,
From Shopdom's unanimous All hold it confoundedly stupid,
throat. And vote it a thundering shame!

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM

THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday Night, June 21.—Quite a crowd in
the Lords. Markiss early in his place, his Mack beard hristling
with threats of war. The gentle Geanville absent, still confined
to his room hy his ancient enemy. In such circumstances the
Markiss more than ever truculent. Only Granville, with his
benignant smile, his drawling voice, his lisped r's, and his courteous
manner, can stand hefore the Markiss. Sheebrooke might do it.
At one time thought he would. But Sherbrooke blinks from a
hack heneh, and takes no part in any fray. Evidently finally taken
off his armour, and put away his lance.

Presently cause of battle-array explained. In other House Sage
of Queen Anne's Gate, getting up early in the morning, succeeded
in adding to Returning Officers' Charges' Bill Clause throwing
Returning Officers' costs on Rates, so making possession of wealth
less necessary on part of Parliamentary Candidate. Evidently this
would never do. Spencer, with pretty air of doing nothing par-
ticular, moved Second Reading of Bill. Kimberley pleaded in vain
for compromise. Markiss scornfully hrushed suppliants aside, gave
an incidental left-hander to Gladstone, and declared he would have
none of the Commons' Amendments. Ministers capitulated, and the
Markiss, stepping over their prostrate bodies, returned to his Castle.

In the Commons Stafford Howard read long paper on Indian
Finances. House moderately full at question-time; over two
hundred present. But before Howard rose, great majority had
disappeared, and, ere he sat down, had read all but thirty-two out.
Randolph, in sole possession of Front Opposition Bench, listened
with interest. Made frequent notes. Evidently about to make
a speech. Which he did. A faint wave of interest when he
rose, hut didn't last. Randolph temporarily blown himself out in
his hlast against the Good Old Man. Dull and prosy to last degree.
Business done.—Indian Budget introduced.

Tuesday, l'lO a.m.— House still sitting. Expected when we came
down last night proceedings would last only an hour or two. Safe to
he home to dinner. But they dragged on over midnight, and here
we are in a languid House beginning to blaze up in anticipation of
row. Ireland, of course. Parnellites wanted to go into Committee
on Municipal Franchise (Ireland) Bill. C. Lewis opposed, and took
division. For going into Committee, 66; against, 17. Brodrick
moved to report progress. " How many are you P " asked Courtney
in the Chair. Only fourteen rose in response to challenge. That
not enough to justify division. Parnellites wildly cheered. Lewis
raised cry of despair. Useless, he says, for any Member of Oppo-
sition to take part iu discussion. "Let us leave them to it," said
Brodrick; and the fourteen, rising, shook the dust of the House
from off their feet, and haughtily quitted the Chamber amid up-
roarious mirth of Irish Members. As soon as they were gone, Bill
passed through Committee, and Irish Members went home j ubilant.
Business done.—St. John Brodrice: shocked.
Thursday.—A melancholy gathering to-night. The end of all
things at hand. Few Members present talk in subdued voices, as if
the corpse of the Parliament of 1886 were actually laid-out on the
table where the Mace reposes. Irish Members try to get up row
upon Belfast Main Drainage Bill. But it falls very flat. The
Sage of Queen Anne's Gate denounces the action of the'Lords in the
matter of Returning Officers' Expenses Bill. " Monstrous ! " he cries
aloud. "The House of Commons in the position of slaves to the
House of Lords!" But he would not press his objection to the
point of division, " leaving," he said, "my country as judge between
the Lords and the people."

Randolph, faithful to the last, tried his hand at stirring the
stagnant waters. Sir George Campbell on Monday had said some-
thing virtuous about retirement of an Indian Official upon a pension,
and his subsequent appointment to a salaried office. Campbell
himself, Randolph pointed out, had retired upon a pension at the
age of fifty, which was certainly the prime of life; "if not," he

added, casting a critical glance at Sir George sitting opposite,
nursing his knee, "to judge from the Hon. Gentleman's present
appearance, a period of absolute youth." Sir George attempted to
explain the difference. He (Sir George) was^ in receipt not of a
pension, but of an annuity; at which fine distinction the House
groaned, and getting itself Counted Out, went off to dinner.
Business done.—All!

Friday.—Prorogation. Old story over again, with its prevailing
tone of depression and its fringe of absurdity. The five respectable
Peers disguised in red gowns and cocked hats, seated on the Woolsack;
one or two noble Lords in mufti, on the otherwise desolate benches.
To them enter the Speaker, in wig and gown, accompanied by
Sergeant-at-Arms, carrying mace and followed by indispensable
Chaplain. Six months ago, when new House met, a turbulent mob
fought and scrambled behind, the Speaker, anxious for precedence.
To-day comes a straggling throng of dejected senators, not quite
certain that they will visit the scene any more. Peter used to keep
his spirits up, even in these depressing circumstances. But Peter is
away, fighting with the beasts at Burnley. Members miss his friendly
slap on the shoulders, his humorous digitals seeking their ribs, and
the sound of his hearty laughter. Will he come back again as a
Leader among the Conservatives ? Who shall say that, or much else
about which men wonder.

Business done.—Parliament prorogued.

AN EPITHALAMIUM.

To the Emperor of China.
[Kwanc-su, the young Emperor of China, is shortly going to be married.]

Oh, won't there be noise,

And a hullaballoo,
Mid the bold Pe-king boys,

When their ruler Kwang-su ;
That is when the Emperor of
China

Must marry—of course, a Man-
chu.

For each fair Man-elm maid,
With her poor little feet,

Will he gaily arrayed,
With her fan all complete ;

And they do the thing bravely in
China,

For lamps will illumine each
street.

And the bride will be hid,

In a mantle of gold.
She will do as folks hid

In the wise days of old ;
For they love ancient customs in
China,

And all antique lore can unfold.

She '11 be swathed to the chin,
With a hat on her head,

As the college Han-lin,
Has exhaustively said;

And be borne, 'tis the custom in
China,

In a big sedan-chair, painted
red.

And rich presents she '11 spy,
Ancient porcelain made.

Like " Yu thang khia khi, '
In the Hall of the Jade;

They were great at such vases in
China,

Most nobly adorned and inlaid.
Here's your health then, Kwang-
stt,

Let barbaiians say,
That they wish luck to you,

On your near wedding-day ;
May you long live to rule over
China,

And hold a beneficent sway.

Me. Alfred Capper's Thought-Reading Seance at the Steinway
Hall is well worth attending. He is no Mystic. The Seance is
exactly what he styles it in his programme—an "Entertainment."
Mr. Capper caps all the other Thought-Readers, and his Entertain-
ment is Cappertal. _

A Little Late.—It is fine weather just now, or there would have
been something peculiarly appropriate in the debut on the stage of a
Mrs. Mackintosh, at the end of a Rainy Season. The overture, at
her premiere, should be variations on The Lost Chording.