Punch (91.1886)

Deoembek 18, 1886.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

289

ROBERT ON CHEAP COALS.

I "was a setting at home the other day a smokin of my pipe and a
reedin of a hapenny paper, witch I allers buys ewery day, fust
beeoz its cheapest, and second becoz I reeds things there as I never

finds in no other papers, wen
there cum a lowd knock at
the door, and I calls out cum
in, and he cums in, and seeing
him with a lot of papers an
a hinkstand at his button- ole,
I natrally takes him for a
Tacks-gatherer, and as nat-
rally calls out, " Hollo, wot
\ anotherone!" "Wen he smiles
m gently, and sez, sez he, "No,
J' Mr. Robert, I have called
A Head Weighter making Head-weigh, this time to be of sum service

<to..„ _ , , . . ht>„;,„,./»\ to you." Of coarse this most
(WmD.O.UJpolopestC'Sobert. ) on4teral gpee(j]l put me Qn

my gard, so I pulls myself together and I lissens.

'Well, he goes on to arsk me, if I should like to have my Coles jest
a bit cheaper ? To witch I natrally ansers, ' Why, suttenly " He
then sez, Then jest sine this petition to Parlymmt, and the thing s
dun." So he dips a pen into his privet hinkstand and holds it out to
me backards. So I sez, sez I, ' It ain't werry often as I m anted to
sine my name, and afore I does it, I likes to know what it sail about

II Quite rite, Mr. Robert," sez he; "so I'll tell yer. The hold
Copperashun," sez he—-

" I nose it werry well, sez 1.

" Has been putting a tacks on our Coles for ever so long, and wants
to keep on doing it, so we are a going to arsk Parlyment to stop it."
" How much is it?" sez I.
" Thirteen-pence a tun," sez he.

" I'm not much of a skollard," sez I, " at figgers, and alius buys
my Coles by the Sak. How much will it save me in a Sak ? "
"Nearly three-hapence," sez he.

"Well, that's summat," sez I, "in these ard times, but not weTry
much. But jest tell me what the old Copperashun does with the
money; for if they spends it in splendid Bankwets, and Balls, and
setterer you've jest come to the rong shop to get any hobjeetions to
that rite nobel way of spending lots of money."

" Oh, no, Mr. Robert," sez he, _ nothink of the sort. Why, they
acshally spends ewery penny of it m buying up lots of feelds, and
forrests, and parks, and places, for growed-up peeple to wark in,
andfor poor boys and gals toplaym; did you ewer hear sich rubbish?"

" Well, I'm not so sure about that, sez I.

" Well, you surprize me," sez he ; but have you read the Chanse-
seller of the Xchekker's speech on the subjik ? "

" No," sez I, "I have not; for the fact is the httel time I has to
dewote to Noosepapers, I have dewoted f or the last week or two, to
studdyiBg the manners and customs of the werry hiest of our hold
Nobillertv, as displayed for our respecfool amazement and amuse-
ment in Her Majesty's Courts of Justice.

" Ah," sez he, "that's a pitty, or you wood have seen that by
having a commoner kind of Coles sent up from the pits, they wood
be ever so much cheaper." . , „

" Well," sez I, " it does so appen, that for seyenal years I was in
the Cole Trade, in a small way myself, and I remembers we used
sumtimes to have a few of the cheap Coles up just to try em. But
they woodent do, not at no price. We used to call em Slack, coz they
was so preshus slow at burning, and Smudge, coz they made so much
mess, and so much smoke, and our poor customers soon found out, as
I have long found out, as the best Coles is the cheepest."

" Well," sez he, rather taken aback, but how about the three-
hapence per sak, you wood like to save that, wouldn't you ? "

" Well, I don't know," sez I. " My son William has turned out
to be quite a grate Crickitter, and he tells me that the jolly old
Copperashun has been and bort West Ham Park, down East, and
that every Satterday in the summer, he and his club plays Criekits
there, and sum 4 dozen other Clubs, without having nothink to pay
for it, and all under the charge of a fust rate Committee, whose
Cheerman was wunce a fust-rate Crickitter, so he nose all about it,
and of Mr. Superintendent Lorrence, who kindly takes care of 'em
all; and twice a week a millingterry Band plays all the summer,
and thousands of peeple go to ear them, and the Copperashun pays
for that, and I sumtimes myself goes down to Epping Forrist to assist
wen a hole army of Charity Childern is taken down there for a day's
houting, and from what I hears of one place, and from what I sees
in another, wen the hole of the Childern is turned loose among the
beautiful trees and shrubbses, and seems harf wild with hexsitement
and appyness, I for one says the kindly old Copperashun is quite
welcome to my three-apence a sak, even if I didn't most werribly
beleeve that the Cole Owners will get one penny of it, and the Cole
Cellars get the other apenny. And so I wishes you good morning ! "

robert.

A DAY'S SHOOTING.

" As a display of fancy shooting, it was extremely varied and curious; as
an exhibition of firing with any precise object, it was, upon the whole, per-
haps a failure."—Pickwick Papers.

All the 'merry men of Mundesley, they

invited me to " shoots,"
So I took my Norfolk jacket and a pair of

porpoise boots;
And I looked out my breech-loader and I

totted up each cartridge,
And prepared for execution on the pheasant
and the partridge.

Prepared for ExecuTion.' "We were quite a cheer-
ful party,

Captain Pasion", Edgar, Hugh,
And were "fit" as any "fiddles" for the work

we had to do;
While be sure two noble sportsmen, as slang has

it, "took the cake,"
The engaging Billy Mountain- and that deadly A cheer-ful Partv

shot George Lake.
London fogs were soon forgotten, and in sooth 'twas passing strange,
To behold the seas of silver and the sunsets at the Grange ;
And from all those joyous sportsmen fast the quip and jest would
As we quaffed the dry Ayala or the pleasant G. H. Mumm. [come,

Then I asked Hugh what their "form"

was, and he answered it was good,
While he said his own was " stunning,"

as I always knew he would ;
But he added, "George is awful," and

his eyes began to twinkle,
" For displays of fancy shooting he can
rival Mr. Winkle."

Stunning Form. I was nervous I will own it, for I vow I

will not yield.

Unto any man in shirking being " potted "
in a field;

It's unpleasant to be peppered, and the poet 1 '^SPU'*

humbly begs,
He may never find the shot-corns stick like

currants in his legs.

George began soon, he was always such a

rash, impulsive boy,
And he'd brought a new gun with him, a bo unpleasant to be

most captivating toy : eppere .

While the way he tried to show us how it came up to his shoulder,
Brought the gas-lamps and the ceiling on the head of each beholder.

When we started in the morning I gave

George a wider berth
Than the others, for I didn't want to bite
1_ my mother earth ;

"And Hugh whispered, "If our Geordie
should behind you chance to lag.
Then be ready to fall prostrate, or he '11 add
Giving him a Wide Berth, you to the bag."

When we reached the scene of action, though the birds were rather
That was hardly a good reason for the slaughter of a. child ; [wild,
At the rising of a covey, when George blazed into ' the brown,"
Lo! instead of what he aimed at he brought two retrievers down.
So this strange battue proceeded, when a woodcock rose we heard
Cries of anguish from a beater who was slain, and not the bird ;
Though I own mvself a sportsman, I could hardly think it pleasant
To wing Mason, the old Keeper, when you 're firing at a pheasant!
When a snipe got up we saw him, mid a silence most profound,
Take good aim, when on a sudden, how he peppered us all round;
And I sided with the Captain, who, when shots begun to rattle,
Said that shooting with our Geordie was more fearsome than a battle.
When we counted up the game-bag, George had surely shot his share,
With the child, and with the Keeper, and the man and dogs—a pair ;
While, to finish like a sportsman, as we wan-
dered home at night,
He blew both the Rector's legs off with a
cheerful left and right.

I returned, to Town, a feeling of relief upon
my mind,

That I reached home sound in body, leaving

ne'er a limb behind ; Soundin' Body.

I always liked my arms and legs, and shouldn't care to part 'em,
Though spread out upon the turnips by a gun secundum artem.'

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