Punch (92.1887)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [February 26, 1887.

98

TURNING A PHRASE."

Dramatic Author. "What the deuce do you mean by pitching
into my Piece in this brutal manner ? It's shameful !"

Dramatic Critic. "Pitching into it ? No, no, no, dear old
Man—you'll see how pleased I was, if you'll only read

betwben the lines! "

THE DETECTIVE'S TRIUMPH.

Act I.—A Local 'Police Office. Enterprising Detective discovered
concluding an Address of Instructions to Members of the Force.
Enterprising Detective. Now mind what I've said. We haven't
got to watch the Boulong boats, nor Liverpool, nor such-like places,
nor bother with the Provinces in this here case. The man we want
ain't got no money to get off with, and, from a cue we've received,
we know him to be a hiding himself in the district at this very hour;
so he's in your very midst. Now, you've all had a good look at his
photograph, and, seeing that all the coffee-shops and restaurongs are
put up to him, he ought to be starved out, and you ought to have
him in your hands within a couple of months. . Now, go on your
beats, and keep your eyes open. [They open their eyes, and exeunt.
Scene changes to a Spot in the immediate Neighbourhood. Enter
two Intelligent Constables, and the Wanted One.
The Wanted One. This is the ninth day that 1 have repeatedly
shown myself to them, and yet they will not arrest me. Ha! these
two Intelligent Constables! Perhaps they will recognise me. I will
try them. [Approaches.
Enter a Casual Informer.
Casual Informer {addressing Intelligent Constables). I say, mates,
j. know who you're after, and that's 'im. [Points to Wanted One.

Intelligent Constables. 'Im ? (Leisurely surveying the Wanted
One.) Tell that to your grandmother.

[Exit Casual Informer to tell it to his Grandmother. Exeunt
Constables severally.
The Wanted One (looking after them reproachfully). Useless! They
decline to seize me. Oh, this is indeed irksome. Ha! I have it, I
will walk down to Scotland Yard and give myself up to the Inspector.
[Does so, but on arriving at his destination, is informed by a bevy of
Policemen on duty, that the Inspector is out. He sadly surveys
a photograph of himself displayed at the door of the Office, writes
a communication on a fly-leaf, and posts it as act-drop falls.

Act II.—An appointed Spot. Enter an Enterprising Detective and
a Skilled Subordinate.

Enterprising Detective (surveying a communication he has received
with jubilant satisfaction). This is a nice bit of information, this
is. Going to give himself up. Well, it shows how well we've
worked the job. (Anxiously looking at his watch.) Rather after his
time, though. (Brightens up.) No. Here's somebody with a
Constable. I wonder if-

Enter the Wanted One in charge of a Cautious Constable.
Cautious Constable. I found him walking round the corner. He
said he was a coming here, and so I've brought him.

The Wanted One. Yes, so you have, and many thanks. {To
Detective.) I/m the Wanted One.
Enterprising Detective (suspiciously). Are you quite sure?
The Wanted One. I '11 bet you ten to one I am.
Enterprising Detective (convinced). Then I take you. [Takes him.
Cautious Constable (aside). Pity there wasn't a reward hoffered.
[Assists in the capture, and the three walk off arm-in-arm to
the Station House.

Act III.—The Station House. Inspector on duty. Enter Detective,
Constable, and Prisoner.

Inspector. Who is this ?

Detective. Well, he says-

Constable. He told me fust, when I met him-

Prisoner. Further disguise is useless,—I am/the Wanted One!
All (with conviction). He is the Wanted One!
Detective (to the Audience). And if our friends in front are onlv
satisfied, we shall have no cause to regret "The Detective's Triumph."

[ Curtain.

KEATS IMPEOVED.

" In his opinion, a railway was in itself a beautiful object."

Mr. Laboncliere in the Debate on the Ambleside Railway Bill.

A Locomotive is a joy for ever :

It's loveliness enchants us ; it shall never

Be blamed for noitiness, but still will keep

The country quiet for us, and our sleep

Pull of sweet dreams, and health, and easy breathing.

Therefore in every Kail way Bill we 're wreathing,

An iron band to bind us to the earth,

Spite of the sentimental, who to mirth,

More manly natures, spite of foggy days,

Of all the unhealthy and smoke-darkened, ways,

Made for our travelling : yes, in spite of all,

Some shape of beauty makes the whistle's squall,

Sweet to our spirits. Such the bellman's tune,

Eoofs, old and rotten, leaking, a shady boon

For passengers; and such Excursion bills,

With the waste walls they cling to; and loud shrills,

With which the drivers nightly shindy make,

Sharp shunting shocks, the grinding of the brake,

The rich soot-sprinkling that befouls our homes;

And such too is the grandeur of the domes,

Art hath imagined for the Engine shed.

All lovely tales that ever we have read,

Of Attic temples on the river's brink,

Before that roof at Cannon Street must shrink!

THE HARSH-DEACON OF WESTMINSTER.

At a meeting in support of the Church House, Archdeacon
Fabrar said, in his archest-diaconal manner, that "he couldn't
understand the animosity which this scheme had provoked." Yet
he is not generally wanting in intelligence. But, perhaps, if the
arch Archdeacon were one of the poor Clergy with a big parish, a
large family, and a small salary, some slight glimmering of the
reason why this Church-House scheme has provoked such animosity
might possibly enlighten his present benighted state of existence.
A.s it is, he seems to think that an English Vatican is to be a Pan-
Anglican panacea, and that when the poor parsons ask for bread to
give them a stone is Farrar-naceous food. Would he earn the title
of Harsh-Deacon Farbab ? Let the arch Archdeacon consider under
what conditions the work of the builders is but lost labour, and he '11
propose justice to the poor Clergy first, and generosity to the Church
House afterwards.

Rhyme by a Railway Porter.

Stout Speaker Peel with solemn face,

On Dillon put a damper,
Because he strove with his packing-case

The Government to hamper.