DOI issue:
April 2, 1887
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17657#0171
April 2, 1887.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
161
MB. GOSCHEN'S NURSERY RHYME.
I love little pussy her coat is so warm,
And if I don't tax her she'll do me no harm.
I'll sit by her side and on milk she shall sup,
And then I shall not put poor Pussy's back up.
EOBEET WITH THE LORINERS.
„I had the hoimer of assisting the other night at the Grand Bankwet
or the Washupi'ool Company of Loriners, and tho I haven't the least
jQear what a Loriner means, or what he's supposed to do to git his
^vWg, it's a Company as I has a great respee' for, becoz they allers
Ttrers and *3 werry fairly libberal, tho Conservatifs to a man.
■ ""e had a splendid company! Not only Sir Robert Fowler, M.P.,
"i the Chair, with the Lord Mare and his Dimond Star on his rite,
out 2 Aldermen and a Sberryf, and his 2 hunder Sherryfs, and about a
|?en Common Counselmen, and some littery an drammattiek gents.
»ir Robert—how he must nitely thank his Godfathers and God-
Pothers for giving him siteh a name—started 'em well with the
ijoyal Toastes, and the rest kept the ball rolling capitally. Lord
General Paget told us as he come of a fighting race, and was the only
placer left as rode at Her Majesty's Coronation. Mr. Pilstone, M.P.,
th ^isfied with complementing me by repeating my remark that
j, ?,V°PP.erashun's ennemys had discovered a Mare's nest with not
ho v ^ nDisnell UP by saying that the elustrious name of the
rJaot ^e Chairman (Robert) was held in ekal honour both within
AtUtside of Foment!
Mr wse tney drank Mr. Labbyshare and Bradlor's health and
j,,sMH's two with three times three.
rich v^irnian said he had bin Master of three Cumpanies, sum
like th Q8um P00r> but whether they was rich like the Satters or poor
alwa °Peetaclemakers, poor fellers! they always had, and they
Citv^f keep up the grand old horsepitality of the renowned
thes •jfOndon. So that's a great consolation to us poor Waiters in
|se raddicle and grumbling times,
and J?n U^ 8^00d a reelly fine specimen of a nobel minded Hem. Pea,
the Co proposea> with all his art and all his mind, the good helth of
if ^ PPerashun. Ah, his was summut like a speech his was. Ah,
c°mfort ^as a *ew more members like Mr. Isaacs, what a much more
chinoU ^e and a much more enjoyabler world it would be for Mun-
Xi 78 and Waiters.
look ing fUu, a* *ne West End last week, I wentured jist to have a
inquirv v, Committee-room in the House of Commons, where the
oarae w u* *ne Copperashun is a going on, and the first thort as
this rath°SS me after I had bin a standing there a little time was
a time ty|r remarkabul one. I have herd sumwhere that, once upon
looking t 6 Was a wundurful Frenchman, who coud tell, by only
whether fh anybo<ly's face, what their real eharackter was, and
in the L \ was relieable or not. I think his name was sumthink
ing. Anr|V t • ^ne> 80 sPose as fle relied a good deal on wash-
CommH+ wished as he was alive now, and was in that there
Whate" rown-
woudn'fh dea^ °^ truble, too, it would save at trials—no Jewries
Judge woe^«nted' 80 we snoo(i git rid of a11 tnat bother ; but the
being' tbA i his eye upon the prisoner while the charge was
____f^ea. and then say Gilty, or Not Gilty, and then an end.
THE TWO CHANCELLORS.
(Fide Mr. Goschen's Speech at the Mansion Souse.)
I.—As He is Supposed to Be.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer discovered seated at desk, in
jdjji Official Residence in Downing Street. Secretary at another
table, reading extracts f rom morning correspondence aloud.
[Secretary {doubtfully). Here's a suggestion which doesn't seem
so bad.
Chancellor {interrupting). What for? For remitting old tax, or
imposing new one ?
Secretary. Well, it's for remission.
Chancellor {sternly). How often am I to say that I won't remit
anything ? Do you suppose that I occupy this high position in order
to make myself pleasant to the public ? My duty, and I may add
my pleasure also, is to find out exactly the most generally unpopular
and unfair tax that I possibly can, and then to impose it.
Secretary {soothingly). Quite so, I quite understand that. That's
an elementary part of the business of a Chancellor of the Exchequer,
always.
Chancellor. I should rather think it was.
Secretary. But this seems 'really not a bad proposal. It's a
correspondent who signs herself "Distressed Widow."
Chancellor {with savage scorn). Distressed widow!
Secretary {goes on hastily). And she suggests taking off theseven-
and-sixpenny tax on dogs, and transferring it to cats and poultry
instead. She says she doesn't keep cats or poultry herself, but she
does keep a dog, and as her sleep is a good deal disturbed at night by
cats screaming, and cocks crowing-
Chancellor {fiercely). Stop! The old idiot has really given me a
suggestion. Why not raise the tax on dogs to ten shillings, and put
one on cats and poultry as well ? Is there any way in which I could
make myself more financially disagreeable than that ?
Secretary. I don't know of any.
Chancellor. Then that's settled. (Laughing.) That'll make the
public squirm, if anything will. Now to take the taste of the
" Distressed Widow's " ridiculous letter out of my mouth, let me have
the returns from the Income-Tax collectors—especially complaints of
injustice, unfair and oppressive exactions, and all that sort of thing.
Thanks. That'll give me a really delightful morning. I don't
think I need keep you any longer.
[Exit Secretary. Curtain falls on the Chancellor of the Ex-
chequer thoroughly enjoying himself.
II.—As He Really Is.
The Chancellor (soliloquising). What, more letters, suggesting
remission of taxation! (Opens one or two, and takes out pocket-
handkerchief.) What a pity I'm so—(sobbing)—so susceptible. I
know I oughtn't to be—but I can't help it. Here (breaking down) is
another dear old lady, who—(is temporarily overcome with emotion)
—whose dog—(more sobs)—whose little wee dog-
[Bursts into torrent of tears, which Attendants have some diffi-
culty in stopping with aid of sal volatile, smelling-salts, and
sharp blows in the small of the back. After a quarter of
an hour's interval, reading of morning correspondence is
resumed. .
The Chancellor (firmly). But no! I will not give way. These
tears are womanish. What is the old lady's complaint, after all f
(Takes up letter again.) She objects to the Dog lax. And why ?
Because, it appears, her Fido —{Controls himself with some diffi-
culty, and proceeds)—her Fido is old, and lame, and—oh dear me !—
half blind, and she has brought him up from a.—(takes out handker-
chief again)—from a puppy■! [Rings bell violently. Enter Attendant.
Attendant. Yessir ? Salts, Sir, or more handkerchiefs Sir ?
Chancellor. Neither, my good fellow. Here, take this letter to
my Secretary. Tell him— (feelingly)—to inquire into the case—to
make all inquiries; and, if he finds there really is a dog called Fido,
and it isn't a nasty savage cur that bites everybody, and that ought
to have been shot long ago, then, I say— (with intense emotion),—let
him assure her, with my compliments,—the Chancellor of the
Exchequer's compliments,—that Fido shall never, never, never be
taxed any more! „ , .
[Flings himself into chair in paroxysm of sympathetic grief.
Exit Attendant. Curtain.
News of Sarah Bernhardt
She is coming in mid-summer,
Is our own dear Sarah B.
Than any other mummer,
Welcomer is she.
But surely in the Spring-time,
She here should be a-playing,
For brought here by a Mayer,
She ought to come a Maying.
Mrs. Ram is very particular as to getting names correctly. She
says that, directly after Easter, she shall go and see Gulliver and
Silvan's new Opera with that very extraordinary title.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
161
MB. GOSCHEN'S NURSERY RHYME.
I love little pussy her coat is so warm,
And if I don't tax her she'll do me no harm.
I'll sit by her side and on milk she shall sup,
And then I shall not put poor Pussy's back up.
EOBEET WITH THE LORINERS.
„I had the hoimer of assisting the other night at the Grand Bankwet
or the Washupi'ool Company of Loriners, and tho I haven't the least
jQear what a Loriner means, or what he's supposed to do to git his
^vWg, it's a Company as I has a great respee' for, becoz they allers
Ttrers and *3 werry fairly libberal, tho Conservatifs to a man.
■ ""e had a splendid company! Not only Sir Robert Fowler, M.P.,
"i the Chair, with the Lord Mare and his Dimond Star on his rite,
out 2 Aldermen and a Sberryf, and his 2 hunder Sherryfs, and about a
|?en Common Counselmen, and some littery an drammattiek gents.
»ir Robert—how he must nitely thank his Godfathers and God-
Pothers for giving him siteh a name—started 'em well with the
ijoyal Toastes, and the rest kept the ball rolling capitally. Lord
General Paget told us as he come of a fighting race, and was the only
placer left as rode at Her Majesty's Coronation. Mr. Pilstone, M.P.,
th ^isfied with complementing me by repeating my remark that
j, ?,V°PP.erashun's ennemys had discovered a Mare's nest with not
ho v ^ nDisnell UP by saying that the elustrious name of the
rJaot ^e Chairman (Robert) was held in ekal honour both within
AtUtside of Foment!
Mr wse tney drank Mr. Labbyshare and Bradlor's health and
j,,sMH's two with three times three.
rich v^irnian said he had bin Master of three Cumpanies, sum
like th Q8um P00r> but whether they was rich like the Satters or poor
alwa °Peetaclemakers, poor fellers! they always had, and they
Citv^f keep up the grand old horsepitality of the renowned
thes •jfOndon. So that's a great consolation to us poor Waiters in
|se raddicle and grumbling times,
and J?n U^ 8^00d a reelly fine specimen of a nobel minded Hem. Pea,
the Co proposea> with all his art and all his mind, the good helth of
if ^ PPerashun. Ah, his was summut like a speech his was. Ah,
c°mfort ^as a *ew more members like Mr. Isaacs, what a much more
chinoU ^e and a much more enjoyabler world it would be for Mun-
Xi 78 and Waiters.
look ing fUu, a* *ne West End last week, I wentured jist to have a
inquirv v, Committee-room in the House of Commons, where the
oarae w u* *ne Copperashun is a going on, and the first thort as
this rath°SS me after I had bin a standing there a little time was
a time ty|r remarkabul one. I have herd sumwhere that, once upon
looking t 6 Was a wundurful Frenchman, who coud tell, by only
whether fh anybo<ly's face, what their real eharackter was, and
in the L \ was relieable or not. I think his name was sumthink
ing. Anr|V t • ^ne> 80 sPose as fle relied a good deal on wash-
CommH+ wished as he was alive now, and was in that there
Whate" rown-
woudn'fh dea^ °^ truble, too, it would save at trials—no Jewries
Judge woe^«nted' 80 we snoo(i git rid of a11 tnat bother ; but the
being' tbA i his eye upon the prisoner while the charge was
____f^ea. and then say Gilty, or Not Gilty, and then an end.
THE TWO CHANCELLORS.
(Fide Mr. Goschen's Speech at the Mansion Souse.)
I.—As He is Supposed to Be.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer discovered seated at desk, in
jdjji Official Residence in Downing Street. Secretary at another
table, reading extracts f rom morning correspondence aloud.
[Secretary {doubtfully). Here's a suggestion which doesn't seem
so bad.
Chancellor {interrupting). What for? For remitting old tax, or
imposing new one ?
Secretary. Well, it's for remission.
Chancellor {sternly). How often am I to say that I won't remit
anything ? Do you suppose that I occupy this high position in order
to make myself pleasant to the public ? My duty, and I may add
my pleasure also, is to find out exactly the most generally unpopular
and unfair tax that I possibly can, and then to impose it.
Secretary {soothingly). Quite so, I quite understand that. That's
an elementary part of the business of a Chancellor of the Exchequer,
always.
Chancellor. I should rather think it was.
Secretary. But this seems 'really not a bad proposal. It's a
correspondent who signs herself "Distressed Widow."
Chancellor {with savage scorn). Distressed widow!
Secretary {goes on hastily). And she suggests taking off theseven-
and-sixpenny tax on dogs, and transferring it to cats and poultry
instead. She says she doesn't keep cats or poultry herself, but she
does keep a dog, and as her sleep is a good deal disturbed at night by
cats screaming, and cocks crowing-
Chancellor {fiercely). Stop! The old idiot has really given me a
suggestion. Why not raise the tax on dogs to ten shillings, and put
one on cats and poultry as well ? Is there any way in which I could
make myself more financially disagreeable than that ?
Secretary. I don't know of any.
Chancellor. Then that's settled. (Laughing.) That'll make the
public squirm, if anything will. Now to take the taste of the
" Distressed Widow's " ridiculous letter out of my mouth, let me have
the returns from the Income-Tax collectors—especially complaints of
injustice, unfair and oppressive exactions, and all that sort of thing.
Thanks. That'll give me a really delightful morning. I don't
think I need keep you any longer.
[Exit Secretary. Curtain falls on the Chancellor of the Ex-
chequer thoroughly enjoying himself.
II.—As He Really Is.
The Chancellor (soliloquising). What, more letters, suggesting
remission of taxation! (Opens one or two, and takes out pocket-
handkerchief.) What a pity I'm so—(sobbing)—so susceptible. I
know I oughtn't to be—but I can't help it. Here (breaking down) is
another dear old lady, who—(is temporarily overcome with emotion)
—whose dog—(more sobs)—whose little wee dog-
[Bursts into torrent of tears, which Attendants have some diffi-
culty in stopping with aid of sal volatile, smelling-salts, and
sharp blows in the small of the back. After a quarter of
an hour's interval, reading of morning correspondence is
resumed. .
The Chancellor (firmly). But no! I will not give way. These
tears are womanish. What is the old lady's complaint, after all f
(Takes up letter again.) She objects to the Dog lax. And why ?
Because, it appears, her Fido —{Controls himself with some diffi-
culty, and proceeds)—her Fido is old, and lame, and—oh dear me !—
half blind, and she has brought him up from a.—(takes out handker-
chief again)—from a puppy■! [Rings bell violently. Enter Attendant.
Attendant. Yessir ? Salts, Sir, or more handkerchiefs Sir ?
Chancellor. Neither, my good fellow. Here, take this letter to
my Secretary. Tell him— (feelingly)—to inquire into the case—to
make all inquiries; and, if he finds there really is a dog called Fido,
and it isn't a nasty savage cur that bites everybody, and that ought
to have been shot long ago, then, I say— (with intense emotion),—let
him assure her, with my compliments,—the Chancellor of the
Exchequer's compliments,—that Fido shall never, never, never be
taxed any more! „ , .
[Flings himself into chair in paroxysm of sympathetic grief.
Exit Attendant. Curtain.
News of Sarah Bernhardt
She is coming in mid-summer,
Is our own dear Sarah B.
Than any other mummer,
Welcomer is she.
But surely in the Spring-time,
She here should be a-playing,
For brought here by a Mayer,
She ought to come a Maying.
Mrs. Ram is very particular as to getting names correctly. She
says that, directly after Easter, she shall go and see Gulliver and
Silvan's new Opera with that very extraordinary title.