Punch (92.1887)

April 30, 1887.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

213

Mrs. Harcourt Gamp (loq.). "Parnellijm and Crimes ! It's all Rubbidge!"

ORACLES IN COUNCIL.

a Report of the first Meeting of the PhilosopJiico-Poetico-Professorial " Committee
of Public Safely," appointed to preserve the British Empire from dissolution.

Professor T-nd-ll (confidently). "Well, Gentlemen, thank Heaven and the
Nineteenth Century-

Professor H-xl-y (emphatically). And the Fortnightly Review-

Mr. R. L. St-v-ns-n (mysteriously). Not forgetting the Contemporary-

Professor T-nd-ll (impatiently). "Well, thank Heaven and our Monthly
Mentors, that confounded Talking Shop at St. Stephen's-

Mr. R. L. St-v-ns-n. Of which we are all so ashamed-

. Mr. M-tth-io Arn-ld. Which is so dismally lacking in lucidity, so wanting
m sweetness and light, and-

Professor T-nd-ll. Oh bother! Don't let us be the slaves of catchwords, the
tools of phrases. _ I was saying, thank Heaven, and—well us—that Talking Shop
at St. Stephen's is at last superseded, or at least suspended ; and we, appointed
as a Committee of Public Safety with dictatorial powers pro tern., have now set
before us the business of Saving the State.' How shall we begin ?

Professor H-xl-y. With the Endowments Science and the establishment of
a Proper System of State-directed Technical Education. I have a plan here
vowing from his pocket the MS. of a lengthy Magazine Article) which I flatter

Mr. M-tth-w Arn-ld. Ahem! Stop a moment. Highly important, of course,
my dear Professor. But hadn't we better settle the Irish Question first ?
wines (angrily). Hang the Irish Question!

Mr. M-tth-w Arn-ld (sweetly). With all my heart. Only, we can't hang it
up, unfortunately. It stops the way.

c .-\T°fessor T-nd-ll (irritably). But that's exactly what the sophistical old

M% of Midlothian says ! (General howls.)
bp tliQ'0^' * entirely aSree with your—ululations. Still, the question must
oe settled, though, of course, not in the Hawarden Incubus's scatter-brained
style. ( 1 Hear.' hear!") I have here an article—(murmurs)—which I intended
«>r iEAuic Haeeis—(producing a manuscript roll),—but which may find fitter
use Here. It is a complete plan for the settlement of the Irish Question. It may
save tune if I read—-

fP f-L°fessor T-nd-ll (nervously). Pardon me, my dear Sir, but as Chairman I
reel bound to suggest that we should introduce some measure of law and order
into our debates?

Anonymous Oracle (from the T-m-s). By the way, talking of Law and

Order, there lies the root of the matter—of all matters,
indeed. I've been hammering away at it, in my
" leaders," for months, but nobody pays any attention to
me. The primary duty of a Government is-

Mr. It. L. St-vens-n (acidly). Oh, yes, yes, my dear
Sir, we know all about that. (Aside—" We ought to.")
But what is Law? What is Order? If Mr. Hyndman
and his horn-blowing supporters have their way, Law
will lap and swaddle Liberty into the infantile impotence
of senility. Our legislation already grows authoritative,
grows philanthropical, bristles with new duties and new
penalties, and casts a spawn of inspectors who now begin,
note-book in hand, to darken the face of England. As
to Order—order is not everything. Danger, enterprise,
hope, the novel, the aleatory, are dearer to man than-

Mr. Rd-r H-gg-rd (impatiently). Pardon me, but it
seems to me I have read something very much like this
before—somewhere.

Mr. R. L. St-v-ns-n (drily). Very likely. You seem
indeed to have read a good deal—somewhere.

Mr. R-d-r H-gg-rd (hotly). What we want is a good,
sound, manly, Palmerstonian, Civis Romanics sum Im-
perial policy, that shall teach the brutal Boers to tremble
at the name of-■

Mr. M-tth-w Arn-ld (dulcetly). Oh, come, come, Mr.
H-GGr-ed Ex Africa semper aliquid novi is all very well
—in fiction. But this is not novel, nor are we here en-
gaged in novel-writing.

Mr. Fr-de (innocently). By the way, what are we en-
gaged in ?

Professor T-nd-ll. Why—a—a—Saving the State, to
be sure.

Mr. Fr-de. Have you read Oceana f

Professor T-nd-ll (warmly). Everybody has read it,
my dear Sir—of course. But-

Mr. M-ll-ck. Seems to me to advocate Tory men,
and Uadical measures. I don't object to the combina-
tion, if you '11 show us how to work it. But I think I' ve
a better plan, which I was going to send to the National
Review, but which, if you '11 allow me, I '11-

Lord T-nn-s-n (abstractedly, and apropos de rien).

I hold it true with him who sang

" The Fieet," that England's going to pot ;
That allthis talk is utter rot,

And all you babblers may go hang.

Omnes (appealingly). Oh come, I say, my dear Lord
Lord T-nn-s-n (gathering his cloak around him).
Come ? Nay, I 170 .' [Does so.

Professor H-xl-y (sardonically). Just like these Poets !
Mr. Alfr-d A-st-n. "Well, there are differences and
degrees, Professor. We 're not all alike.

Mr. M-tth-w Arn-ld (sotto voce). No, thank Apollo!
(Hereupon the Council breaks up into groups of two or
three each, and argue angrily their various points,
each man flourishing fiercely a bulky roll of manu-
script. The Poets take the lead in this hot polemic,
the Professors making a good second, the Politicians
out of work being " well up." The terms " sciolist,"
"dreamer" "pedant," "dogmatist," "Philistine,"
8>-c, Src, fly about freely. Earl Ge-t, not being able
to make his voice heard above the_ din, sits down in a
comer to write one more denunciatory letter to " The
Times"; and Mr. G-ldw-n Sm-ih, who has come
over for the occasion, drafts a brand-new Coercion
Act, empowering himself to exercise summary juris
diction over all his polemical opponents, and pop at
amateur legislators into strait jackets " on suspicion'
of insanity without the formality of a trial.
Professor T-nd-ll (making himself heard at last).
Gentlemen! Gentlemen! This is not Law and Order,
neither is it Sweetness and Light. I adjourn this Com-
mittee for a month, to give yourselves time to cool down.
Up to now we're "no forrarder" I fear, but our next
sitting will no doubt be a settler. Your respective manu-
scripts, which I am sorry not to have utilised on this
occasion, will no doubt come in handy for the Symposia

of next month's Magazines. When we reassemble-

[But here he finds himself alone, all the members
having rushed off with their MSS. to the
offices of their respective publishers.

Seasonable Con.—What is the difference between
Spring rains and Boyal Academicians ? The former are
April showers, the latter May Show-ers, to be sure.