Punch (92.1887)

286

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 11, 1887.

TO BE QUITE ACCURATE."

Counsel "Married?" Witness. "No." Counsel. "Single?" Witness. "No!'
Counsel " Ah—Widow ?" Wintess. "No!"

Counsel. "But, my dear Madam, surely you must be one or-"

Witness {simpering). '' No—Engaged ! "

Flowers of Plain Speech. [An apology by an Optimist).—Why take a pessimist view
of House of Commons language ? You can't call it un-English. Isn't even the worst of it, at
any rate, somewhat of the Vulgar Tongue ? Grant the fastidious Tory and finical Aristocrat
that vituperation, invective, aspersion, and the application of forcible expressions to
obnoxious opponents may perhaps have resulted from the popular election of Men of the
People—Manhood Suffrage. A man's a man for a' that. Eough diamonds arestill diamonds,
and diamonds that shouldn't be cut. Opprobrious epithets may be allowed, as the natural
utterances of reasoners in a rage. Everybody when in a rage is in earnest. Earnestness
means sincerity. Indignant, passionate, and infuriated assailants bespeak themselves
sincere. Of course they sometimes vent their animosity in terms such as oold-blooded
scribes can only indicate by blanks, dashes and stars. Well, but the latter do but serve to
suggest luminous points. Let us evermore look at the bright, not the dark side of things,
and of words also, which, from a one-sided view, may seem just a little shady. " No abuse
that, no abuse."

"THEY'RE ALL VERY POOR AND SMALL."

A Comic Song for all Companies.
Ant—" They 're all very fine and large."

To be magnanimous in these times

Is not a thing that pays,
Largeness of soul is the worst of crimes

In our self-seeking days.
The great to belittle is to be great,

And Bpite_ alone is strong ;
It is the mainspring of the State,

The soul of Art and Song.

Chorus.

"We 're all very poor and small,

"We revel in reptile slime !
We aim to rise by another's fall,

We sneer at a hope Bublime.
We 're the crawlers of creation,

And proud of our power to crawl.
Save a limited few, say a dozen or two,

We 're all very poor and small.

If our lives to love we dedicate,

Or pipe of its power in verse,
Our souls we cannot emancipate

From the old Tannhailser curse.
We sing the sensual sweets of shame.

From a selfless love we shrink ; [" wj< d f"
What is love but greed, as for wire or

Is a damsel dearer than drink ?

Chorus.

We are all very poor and small,

Cynical, sordid, coarse,.
To Courts of Love man once was thrall,

Our Court is—that of Divorce.
Cheap freedom, hot sensation,

It furnishes to us all,
Which no modern Muse will dare refuse,

They are all very poor and small.

That man must be a maudlin dunce,

What wise men term a " mug,"
Who hears of " chivalry "—actual once —

Without a cynic shrug.
Magnanimous muffs perchance exist,

Rare dodos, here and there;
But love is moonshine, loyalty mist.

To the most who breathe earth's air.

Chorus.

They 're all \try poor and "small,

They 're faithless, sordid, mean ;
For honour's honey they've envy's gall,

For sentiment, cynical spleen.
If \ou want to whip creation,

To soar you first must crawl;
Think less of wings than fangs and stings;

Men are all very poor and small.

A new " Mystic Story,'/ entitled The Day
Ghost, is announced for "immediate publica-
tion." Should it be successful, no doubt it
will be followed, as companion volumes, by
The Afternoon Phantom, The Five o' Clock
Tea Shade, and The Supper Spectre, which
again would suggest a further " Tale of
Terror," The Luncheon Bogey.

RHYMES ON A HOME-RULER.

A man there is of noted name,
Which all men don't pronounce the same,
But if you would the question sift,
You only need to read your Swift.
Thus, after Horace, in a parley
With Oxford, to the Dean says Haelet—
" Or, have you nothing new to-day
From Pope, from Pahnell, or from Gay ?"

So wrote the Dean, as also spoke he,
Not an iambus, but a trochee.
Henceforth you '11 place the accent right,
And thank us for this Paenell light.